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How I saved the day and shit myself in a matter of minutes

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-11-28 03:05:11 EST
Rating: 1.85 on 32 ratings (32 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Let’s just get one thing clear. This is in NO way an attempt to sound like some Billy-Badass war hero. It’s more of a “what am I doing with my life?” reflection.

I’m 22 years old, a college graduate and in the prime of my life. I should be buying my first suit. I should be working two jobs; one as an intern in some Fortune 500 company, and a second as the drive-thru attendant at Burger King. I should be living in a shithole studio apartment, and surviving on Top Ramen and Mountain Dew. I SHOULD be out every weekend getting fucked up. Instead, I’m dealing with THIS shit...

Wednesday. November 2nd, 2005

We’re leaving Rammstein Airbase, Germany and heading down to some remote airfield in Afghanistan.

Cargo is myself, two other senior pilots (a Major and Captain), the loadmaster and a handful of Special Ops guys. Soon after take-off, the Major say’s “Hey Lieutenant, you’ve got the plane. Me and the Captain are gonna take a nap.”

They were obviously hung over, if not still drunk from last night.

“Wake me up on final so I can bring her down, okay Rook?” The two of them head back to the crew bunks.

“Fuck you Major. I gots this shit!”...is what I wanted to say. Instead I quipped a “Yes sir!” (God, I’m such a tool)

After a few hours, I’ve finished looking at the only 2 magazines onboard, and decide to go downstairs to grab a bite to eat, and have a little ‘Meet and Greet’ with the Army guys.

One guy seemed oddly very interested in me.

“So, your a pilot? How old are you?”

“22. I’ll be 23 next month though.”

“Damn dude, they trust a kid to fly this thing? Is the guy flying right now as young as you?”

“Oh, there’s nobody flying right now. The other two pilots are sleeping.”

“So, you got some kinda autopilot going up there?”

“No, this plane didn’t come with an autopilot. But I’ve rigged up a nifty little setup with ropes and pulleys and...”

I swear I couldn’t have planned it better. The coordinates programed into the computer caused the plane to bank hard right.

“What the fuck dude? Get your ass up there and fly this thing!”
(Fun fact: I don’t know if it’s part of their training, but Army guys don’t pick up on sarcasm very well)

“Excuse me soldier? I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but you ARE speaking to an officer, and I don’t think you are showing me due respect.”

“Uh, oh... Yes sir, sorry sir.
(Another fun fact: The Army and Marines hold the utmost respect for ranking individuals.)

I stare him down for about five seconds, I can see that he is very uncomfortable.

I give a huge smile, pat him on the shoulder and say “Dude, I’m just fucking with you. Okay guys, we should be coming up on our destination soon. Make sure everything is strapped down.” I head back up to the flight-deck and take a seat.

About 20 minutes later, I’m going over the final approach checklist, and realize I need to do a combat descent. A combat descent, plain and simple is this; I reverse the engine’s thrust, basically stopping the plane in mid-air and letting it drop like a rock. You go from 30,000 feet to about 12,000 in a matter of seconds.

Knowing that would definitely wake up the other 2 pilots, I decide on a routine landing. I slowly drop and am at about 10,000 feet. Gradually I bring it down to 2,000 feet. I cant really see the runway yet, but I know we are about 7 miles out.

Cue Bitchin’ Betty

First, let me tell you a little about Bitchin’ Betty. She’s a type of automated warning system. In the most annoying voice you can think of, she likes to tell you when your doing something stupid, such as flying too low at unsafe speeds or if your heading straight towards a mountain. I usually ignore her. Usually...

“Missile Launch! Missile Launch! Missile Launch!”

Instantly my stomach drops, I feel numb, I’ve got tunnel vision, and all of a sudden I feel more alone than I’ve ever felt. I can’t hear anything. Well, except for,

“Missile Launch! Missile Launch! Missile Launch!”

I frantically look outside my window. Nothing. Shit, is it coming from my right? I don’t know because there’s nobody in the co-pilot seat to tell me.

“Missile Launch! Missile Launch! Missile Launch!”

I look down towards the panel at my side. I’ve got to arm and deploy the flares. My mind is frantically racing, and all of a sudden, all these buttons look foreign to me. Thank God that engineers made the SFDR button a fucking huge red one, or else I wouldn’t have found it.

“Missile Launch! Missile Launch! Missile Launch!”

I flip up the guard on the button to arm the flares. Pressed it. I take another look outside my window. Still, nothing.

“Fuck, I guess that’s where we’re going.”

“Missile Launch! Missile Launch! Missile Launch!”

I press the fucking huge red button. The plane jolts as 72 white-hot flares shoot out from beneath us. Then I bank that fat bitch as hard as I can to the left, and pray that the missile isn’t really coming from that direction, and I was just never able to see it.

My eyes are closed, and my body is stiff as a board. I wait, and listen.

Betty? Oh, yoo-hoo, Betty? Nothing. Then from behind me, I hear pounding. Scared the shit out of me.

“Fuck, we’re hit” I think to myself. I look back, and the Major and Captain are stumbling over each other like fuckin’ Laurel and Hardy. Discombobulated as all hell. Then Betty shows up for Act 2.

“Low Altitude! Low Altitude. Low Altitude”

Well, apparently my little acrobatic stunt had brought us down to about 300 feet with a good 2 miles to go until we reached the strip. The Major finally works his way to me and say’s “You’ve got to bring Her up so I can take over.

“Fuck you Major, I gots this shit.” Oh yeah, I said it.

We come in going about 100 mph faster than we’re supposed to. We slam onto the runway and I stop that thing in record time. It surprised even the Boeing guys back in the states when they got word. I park the plane, shut it down, and got the fuck out of there. On the way out the door of the plane I make eye contact with that smart ass soldier, and point to my crotch. He knew what was up.

And on the outskirts of the field were tanks firing into an already smoldering mountainside. Damn those guys got to them fast.

I later found out that the missile WAS coming from our right, and about 1,000 feet away from us when it went after one of the flares.

22 years old people. I’ve only been driving for 5 of them.

Needless to say, my request for a desk job was denied...


Review This Item




Submitted by Tomorokoshi at 2010-07-13 03:23:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JoeyG at 2008-12-23 10:24:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by St_Jimmy at 2008-12-23 10:04:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Flack at 2007-01-15 11:21:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2



Submitted by hour_man at 2007-01-15 11:08:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Mike-Mc at 2007-01-15 10:55:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by homer42 at 2007-01-10 15:12:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Not likely but a good story nonetheless

Submitted by DeathJester at 2007-01-09 12:45:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Shit man...

My job sucks.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2007-01-09 12:40:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHA Rammstein Airbase.


Submitted by swimmingbirdblue at 2007-01-08 22:30:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Way to go LT.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2006-08-19 21:52:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fucking awesome. I drank some beer the other day...not quite as cool but that's my life.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-08-19 21:11:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

SO great.

Submitted by Blackhailfire at 2005-12-17 22:08:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

flares rock. when your on the ground in a truck and see a cobra fly by it just makes you feel better.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-11-28 16:06:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good luck with all THAT.

Submitted by joedaddy at 2005-11-28 15:55:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i treasure my SSI: 10th SF Gp @Bad Tolz (67), and jumping out of perfectly good planes

be safe and watch your 6

Submitted by Phinch at 2005-11-28 14:58:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

pants missile.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2005-11-28 14:11:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-28 12:57:39 (#)
Ranking: 2

Now see, if stories like THIS made the newspapers and media coverage, there would be a LOT more public support for the military.

There is public support for the military, just not the job they've been ordered to do. I know many don't think there's a distinction but there is and it's no small matter.

Lost a brother in law in Iraq, I support the military but not the mission, it's a waste of life and money, we've got our own problems here that we could make better use of those resources for.

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2005-11-28 13:10:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You tell a wicked story, man. Keep it up!

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2005-11-28 12:57:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Now see, if stories like THIS made the newspapers and media coverage, there would be a LOT more public support for the military.

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2005-11-28 11:11:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Shit dude if your so badass you can take a pussy ass missle. Come on!

No it's good to see that my gaming abilities will come into play in a military career.

Submitted by scourge at 2005-11-28 11:06:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2005-11-28 11:05:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by m0ke34 at 2005-11-28 10:59:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by PokeyPecker at 2005-11-28 08:27:02 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Brazil nuts are harvested almost entirely from wild trees during a five to six month period in the rainy season.

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2005-11-28 08:03:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Great title.

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-11-28 07:46:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Gripping story, well written. Take care of yourself.

Submitted by zoobie2000 at 2005-11-28 07:36:19 EST (#)
Rating: -2

oh who cares billy bad ass? you suck and all soldiers should be shot and raped repeatedly by arab camels

Submitted by Berty at 2005-11-28 06:35:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Scary shit (har har).

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-11-28 06:32:18 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by foodman (user info) at 2005-11-28 06:19:18 (#)
Ranking: 2

I'm headed to Iraq in a couple months. We're flying all the way, and I've heard a lot about the combat descents....Fuck

Good luck over there, bud

Submitted by foodman at 2005-11-28 06:19:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm headed to Iraq in a couple months. We're flying all the way, and I've heard a lot about the combat descents....Fuck


Submitted by coley at 2005-11-28 05:33:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good save.
Is that a sneaky half-camwhore?

Submitted by Magic_Monkey at 2005-11-28 05:20:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Damm ...be careful out there

Homer: There couldn't be heaven if there weren't a hell.

Bart: Who's in there?

Homer: Oh, uh ... Hitler's dog. And that dog Nixon had, whassisname, um,
Chester ...

Lisa: Checkers.

Homer: Yeah! One of the Lassies is in there, too. The mean one -- the
one that mauled Jimmy.

Dog of Death