I Wants Me a Black Chick (plus a camwhore, for the hell of it)Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-11-29 02:29:16 EST
Rating: 1.42 on 47 ratings (47 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Why would I want to get with a black woman? Well, the answer, plain and simple is this...
Thats right, spite. I’ve noticed through my experiences that blacks don’t care if a black dude dates a white woman, but they raise hell if one of their ‘nubian queens’ are snatched up by some cracker. How awesome would it be, to roll up to a Baptist B-B-Q, with my black hoe, and watch everyone drop their chicken in astonishment? I’ll tell you. VERY awesome.
Tonight I was dragged to a club. I usually don’t hang out at these places because everyone is obnoxious, stuck up, and the sight of a popped collar makes me want to punch a small child.
I had stepped outside to have a smoke (New fucking law in Washington). After I light up, this negress comes up to me and axes me for a smoke. She was amazing. 5-foot-4, probably around 240lbs, had nails that could rival Wolverine’s claws, and had a fat ass. Note, I didn’t say PHAT ass... just a regular fat ass.
She strikes up a conversation with me. After about 3 minutes she axes,
“So, why ain’t-choo in there dancin’?”
“Well, its not really my thing. I’m not feeling up to it tonight.”
“Sheeyit. Why don’t you juss’ admit yo’ white ass cayn’t dance?”
Oh no she di-in’t! I throw down my cigarette and say, “Let’s go. I’m gonna take you in there and break you off a piece of my white ass.”
And boy, did I break her off something fierce. After a while, she started chanting “Go Honky Go Honky, get down wit’cho bad self.”
After 10 minutes of this bullshit, I was done. Plus, she kinda smelled funny. No, seriously, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I wasn’t diggin’ the funk. I found my buddies and told them that I was catching a cab home.
But what if I was able to put up with the funk, and decided to take a ride on Miss. Jackson’s wild ride?
We’d get back to my house. “Dayaamn white boy, dis crib be bumpin’” she would state as she helped herself to a tour of EVERYTHING. My fridge, my closets, my medicine cabinet.
“Hey, you got any weed?”
“Well, I’m kinda in the Air Force and not supposed to smoke it. But here, inhale this can of whipped cream. No, no, no Larique. You don’t eat it, just suck on the fumes. Atta’ girl”
“Fuckin’ white boys. Yo’ probably wants me ta’ drank a bottle of Robitussin next, right?”
“Well, just pretend its cherry Kool-Aid and you’ll be money”
Then we work our way up to the bedroom. She lays on the bed as I start searching my night stand drawers for a condom.
“Here, I got one for ya” she says while digging in her purse. She pulls it out and tosses it to me.
Its a Trojan Magnum
“Whoa there princess. I’m sure your regular guys use these, but there’s no need for that here.”
“God, figures. Damn white boys and they needle dicks.”
“Hey now, shut your watermelon hole. It’s go time.”
So there I am, pounding her from behind and slapping an ass that appears to have been trampled by golf cleats.
“Whose forty acres and a mule is it, bitch?!? Whose forty acres and a mule?!?
“It’s yo’s, daddy! All yo’s!”
“Your daaaamn right it is. The white shadow’s ‘bout to lay it down on you”
She screams out something that’s very similar to the shout at the beginning of the ‘Lion King’
I go for a little hair pulling, and the next thing I know, I’ve got a fistful of weave.
“Shit nigga! I just had my hair did today! Fuckin’ cracka! Get offa me! GET. DA. FUCK. OFFA. ME!”
As she storms out of my house, I stand in the door way, butt naked and yell
“But Larique! What about our future? We was gonna move in wit’cho moms and pops. We was gonna collect welfare and food stamps! What about our future chil’len? You was supposed to give me da AIDS!!!”
As she waddles down the moonlit street, I can hear her voice, fading off in the distance...
‘I don’t know what I was thinkin’. Going home with some white boy. Momma always said I was too good for them. He’ll be lucky if I don’t come back and shoot his white ass.”
I go inside and take a shower. Throw on a clean pair of boxers, and go to bed.
I’m laying there, a bit satisfied, yet disapointed. Good night Larique, wherever you are.
Ahhhh shit. “Larique! Bring that black ass back here and take your Funk with you!”