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I Wants Me a Black Chick (plus a camwhore, for the hell of it)

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-11-29 02:29:16 EST
Rating: 1.42 on 47 ratings (47 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Why would I want to get with a black woman? Well, the answer, plain and simple is this...

Spite.

Thats right, spite. I’ve noticed through my experiences that blacks don’t care if a black dude dates a white woman, but they raise hell if one of their ‘nubian queens’ are snatched up by some cracker. How awesome would it be, to roll up to a Baptist B-B-Q, with my black hoe, and watch everyone drop their chicken in astonishment? I’ll tell you. VERY awesome.

Tonight I was dragged to a club. I usually don’t hang out at these places because everyone is obnoxious, stuck up, and the sight of a popped collar makes me want to punch a small child.

I had stepped outside to have a smoke (New fucking law in Washington). After I light up, this negress comes up to me and axes me for a smoke. She was amazing. 5-foot-4, probably around 240lbs, had nails that could rival Wolverine’s claws, and had a fat ass. Note, I didn’t say PHAT ass... just a regular fat ass.

She strikes up a conversation with me. After about 3 minutes she axes,

“So, why ain’t-choo in there dancin’?”

“Well, its not really my thing. I’m not feeling up to it tonight.”

“Sheeyit. Why don’t you juss’ admit yo’ white ass cayn’t dance?”

Oh no she di-in’t! I throw down my cigarette and say, “Let’s go. I’m gonna take you in there and break you off a piece of my white ass.”

And boy, did I break her off something fierce. After a while, she started chanting “Go Honky Go Honky, get down wit’cho bad self.”

After 10 minutes of this bullshit, I was done. Plus, she kinda smelled funny. No, seriously, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I wasn’t diggin’ the funk. I found my buddies and told them that I was catching a cab home.

But what if I was able to put up with the funk, and decided to take a ride on Miss. Jackson’s wild ride?

What if...

We’d get back to my house. “Dayaamn white boy, dis crib be bumpin’” she would state as she helped herself to a tour of EVERYTHING. My fridge, my closets, my medicine cabinet.

“Hey, you got any weed?”

“Well, I’m kinda in the Air Force and not supposed to smoke it. But here, inhale this can of whipped cream. No, no, no Larique. You don’t eat it, just suck on the fumes. Atta’ girl”

“Fuckin’ white boys. Yo’ probably wants me ta’ drank a bottle of Robitussin next, right?”

“Well, just pretend its cherry Kool-Aid and you’ll be money”

Then we work our way up to the bedroom. She lays on the bed as I start searching my night stand drawers for a condom.

“Here, I got one for ya” she says while digging in her purse. She pulls it out and tosses it to me.

Its a Trojan Magnum

“Whoa there princess. I’m sure your regular guys use these, but there’s no need for that here.”

“God, figures. Damn white boys and they needle dicks.”

“Hey now, shut your watermelon hole. It’s go time.”

So there I am, pounding her from behind and slapping an ass that appears to have been trampled by golf cleats.

“Whose forty acres and a mule is it, bitch?!? Whose forty acres and a mule?!?

“It’s yo’s, daddy! All yo’s!”

“Your daaaamn right it is. The white shadow’s ‘bout to lay it down on you”

She screams out something that’s very similar to the shout at the beginning of the ‘Lion King’

I go for a little hair pulling, and the next thing I know, I’ve got a fistful of weave.

“Shit nigga! I just had my hair did today! Fuckin’ cracka! Get offa me! GET. DA. FUCK. OFFA. ME!”

As she storms out of my house, I stand in the door way, butt naked and yell

“But Larique! What about our future? We was gonna move in wit’cho moms and pops. We was gonna collect welfare and food stamps! What about our future chil’len? You was supposed to give me da AIDS!!!”

As she waddles down the moonlit street, I can hear her voice, fading off in the distance...

‘I don’t know what I was thinkin’. Going home with some white boy. Momma always said I was too good for them. He’ll be lucky if I don’t come back and shoot his white ass.”

I go inside and take a shower. Throw on a clean pair of boxers, and go to bed.

I’m laying there, a bit satisfied, yet disapointed. Good night Larique, wherever you are.

*sniff-sniff- sniff*

Ahhhh shit. “Larique! Bring that black ass back here and take your Funk with you!”







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Submitted by RoadSong at 2014-07-21 00:12:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I’ve noticed through my experiences that blacks don’t care if a black dude dates a white woman"



Black WOMEN care. They hate that shit.

This tale made me smile.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-02 15:11:59 EST (#)
Rating: 0

well you musta been lucky. i was there for three years and i only saw them if they were attached to their military families. all the "natives" are cracker i think.

Submitted by Jimmo at 2005-12-02 13:37:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Fraid to say you are wrong here, I was in Washington for three hours before I encountered a large pack of Ghetto Hoes a chattin to the police.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-02 13:27:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

man i'm just surprised you found a black anything in washington. then again you're probably at mcchord and i think tacoma is the only place that has them.

Submitted by Jimmo at 2005-12-02 13:24:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2005-12-02 13:16:08 (#)
Ranking: 2

If this was written by someone else it'd be 1.93 and have 10 people shouting B@W.




True.

Submitted by DavyJones at 2005-12-02 13:16:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If this was written by someone else it'd be 1.93 and have 10 people shouting B@W.

Submitted by Jimmo at 2005-12-02 12:55:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Funny post, here is my reality: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80287

Submitted by Method at 2005-11-29 12:26:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I fuckin like your style, this shit was hysterical.






Submitted by Maddog at 2005-11-29 12:23:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"you'll be money".
_________________________________________________________________________________________

+2 for the line from "Swingers".

Submitted by leilani at 2005-11-29 12:09:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2005-11-29 11:47:40 (#)
Ranking: 1

It's not "chil'len", it's "chit'len."

+1 for some great one-liners
_____________

actually i believe it can also be written "chillun"

as in, "All God's Chillun Got Rhythm"

Submitted by MandaPanda at 2005-11-29 11:56:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh lordy.

Submitted by FartSmeller at 2005-11-29 11:50:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2005-11-29 11:47:40 EST (#)
Rating: 1

It's not "chil'len", it's "chit'len."

+1 for some great one-liners

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-11-29 11:39:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good read.

Submitted by rayrayshanaynay at 2005-11-29 11:16:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

She screams out something that's very similar to the shout at the beginning of the 'Lion King'
--------------
HAAAHAHA! This was awesome. However, I believe the proper spelling is 'probly': Yo' probly wants me ta' drank

Submitted by interchange at 2005-11-29 11:09:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

How could anyone not rate this a +2.

Submitted by Pelvis_Man at 2005-11-29 10:40:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Hey, you got any weed?"

"Well, I'm kinda in the Air Force and not supposed to smoke it. But here, inhale this can of whipped cream. No, no, no Larique. You don't eat it, just suck on the fumes. Atta' girl"

+1 for this one.

"But Larique! What about our future? We was gonna move in wit'cho moms and pops. We was gonna collect welfare and food stamps! What about our future chil'len? You was supposed to give me da AIDS!!!"

+2 For this baby

-1 For racism, though I know you're kidding. And it's KAtana not kitana.

Submitted by PokeyPecker at 2005-11-29 10:31:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Whose forty acres and a mule is it, bitch?!? Whose forty acres and a mule?!?

"It's yo's, daddy! All yo's!"
===========================================

I dropped my chicken in astonishment.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-11-29 09:54:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Gin N Juice.

Submitted by YELLOW-MAN at 2005-11-29 09:53:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Well, just pretend its cherry Kool-Aid and you'll be money"
------------------------------------------------------------
Awesome, as Ali G would say "Respect"

Submitted by RyuFu at 2005-11-29 09:22:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Probably would have been better than my experience. You know: http://www.ubersite.com/m/79657.

Submitted by el_em_en_oh at 2005-11-29 09:04:04 EST (#)
Rating: 1

"...watch everyone drop their chicken in astonishment"... you fucking ROCK!

Submitted by leilani at 2005-11-29 08:55:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-11-29 07:35:10 (#)
Ranking: 2

it is tough to crack me up in the morning, but this did it.

Submitted by freebie at 2005-11-29 08:47:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Now dat shit be funny.

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2005-11-29 08:46:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Funny shit. Funny shit. Unless you were serious through this whole thing. In which case it's sad shit.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-11-29 08:35:45 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Short-n-Sweet (user info) at 2005-11-29 08:29:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
You people are funny with how you translate how black people speak.
--------------------------------
You people? YOU PEOPLE? What the Fu... ahh, who am I kidding. I deserve worse after this.

Submitted by Short-n-Sweet at 2005-11-29 08:29:01 EST (#)
Rating: 0

As a black woman I was offended at first but it was kinda funny. You people are funny with how you translate how black people speak. If you can find a black woman to rock with you (date you), you should try it. WARNING...Once you go black, you never go back! Please Believe It! *cheese*

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-11-29 08:27:31 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Fuck...the story is good so I'll take it up a notch.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-11-29 08:25:57 EST (#)
Rating: -2

I wish I had a -3 button for the camwhore alone.

Submitted by Required_Reading at 2005-11-29 08:24:41 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Siren at 2005-11-29 07:50:26 EST (#)
Rating: 1

You have a point.

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-11-29 07:37:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

good story, good writing, TERRIBLE FUCKING DOO-RAG.

kill youself, if that's really you. otherwise, keep up the writing.

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-11-29 07:35:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

it is tough to crack me up in the morning, but this did it.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-11-29 07:23:17 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Xcuses (user info) at 2005-11-29 07:15:45 (#)
Ranking: -1

sorry Cali, this juse didn't do it for me

----------------------------------
Then I suppose I have no choice but to commit seppuku for my failure
¿Dónde está mi kitana?

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-11-29 07:20:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Reading this made me uncomfortable

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-11-29 07:15:45 EST (#)
Rating: -1

sorry Cali, this juse didn't do it for me

Submitted by skrapmetal at 2005-11-29 06:54:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Phate (user info) at 2005-11-29 03:55:36 (#)
Ranking: 2

How awesome would it be, to roll up to a Baptist B-B-Q, with my black hoe, and watch everyone drop their chicken in astonishment?

+2 for this line alone
---------------
This is good stuff right 'chere.

Submitted by Fabit at 2005-11-29 06:24:14 EST (#)
Rating: -2

pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey pikey

Submitted by Monarch at 2005-11-29 05:58:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Well, just pretend its cherry Kool-Aid and you'll be money."

------------------------

I've been laughing about that for about fifteen minutes.

I don't know why it's so funny, but it is.

Submitted by Hookhand at 2005-11-29 05:32:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Har Har

Submitted by sinna at 2005-11-29 05:01:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

She screams out something that's very similar to the shout at the beginning of the 'Lion King'
------------------------------

This image alone gets you a +2

Submitted by Walker at 2005-11-29 04:14:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

There's only SO much I can take of this blacker-than-black attitude, you sure got guts, buddy. Really fun read! *thumbsup*

Submitted by Phate at 2005-11-29 03:55:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

How awesome would it be, to roll up to a Baptist B-B-Q, with my black hoe, and watch everyone drop their chicken in astonishment?

+2 for this line alone

Submitted by Serious_Melvin at 2005-11-29 03:02:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking hilarious.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-11-29 02:35:58 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I dunno really. +1 I think.

Submitted by Beer_bong at 2005-11-29 02:35:54 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Just kidding, I don't give a shit.

Submitted by Beer_bong at 2005-11-29 02:34:54 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Um. Okay.


Where in Washington are you?


I can't believe I ate the whole thing.

-- Homer Simpson
The Front