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Ooops. MY Bad, America. OR How I almost started a war with Egypt

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-01 02:36:46 EST
Rating: 1.81 on 43 ratings (43 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

For every one fun or exciting day I have at work, there are countless others that suck Big Blue Baboon Ass.

Take off, fly 14 hours, land. Unload whatever crap we were carrying. Take off, fly another 14 hours, land. Repeat.

The other crew members don’t mind it so much. Why would they though? They are old, have been doing this for many years and are happy sitting on their ass for hours on end.

Not this guy though. I go out of my fucking mind on those 30-hour missions. Here is a bit of an analogy;

Imagine a family going cross country in a 1978 station wagon. The parents are up front, talking about God knows what. Then you have the 7-year-old son in the back, climbing over seats, making faces at the other drivers through the back window and constantly saying “I’m soooo booooored!” Yeah, I’m that 7-year-old. And believe me, the other crew members treat me as such.

August 2005

We are in Africa, and for God knows why, training the Egyptian Army how to jump out of planes.

(Hmmm... hope this isn’t Classified information...)

I’m laying in the crew bunk, drawing on the wall, trying to keep my mind occupied.

“Fuck, I’m soooo booooored!”

The co-pilot says “Hey Rook, why don’t you come up here, and we’ll play...”

“Fuck you, Captain. I am NOT going to play “Name that cloud formation” again. That shit gets REAL old, REAL quick.”

“Well, you could...”

I stop paying attention as I hear a commotion downstairs. Next to the crew bunk is a tiny window that looks out into the cargo compartment. I take a peak.

“Well fuck me sideways. Never thought I would see THAT”, I say to myself.

Approximately 30 Egyptian soldiers, singing, and playing what appears to be ‘Patty Cake’. No, seriously... Patty Cake.

Look, I am VERY open minded. I understand different cultures do things differently than us... but, dude... this was 30 grown ass men playing Patty Cake. However this was only able to keep me entertained for about a minute.

“Soooo Booooored!

Then, leave it up to my fucked up head to think of something to finally cheer me up. At the expense of others, of course. I put on my headset and start talking to the loadmaster downstairs.

“Hey Load, switch to channel 3. Don’t worry why, just do it. Okay, you there? Listen, in a couple of minutes, I’m gonna come down the stairs in a panic. Hey you, don’t worry why, just play along, okay?”

I walk over to the pilots, who are talking about patios or some shit.

“Hey Captain, I need you to bring engines 1 and 4's thrust down to 0% for like 10 seconds.”

“What? Why?”

“Because...um... I asked you to?”

“Your crazy. Go back and read your comics, or doodle in your coloring book.”

(See? I TOLD you they treat me like a 7-year-old)

“Look, just do it real quick. And when we get back to Germany, we can go to the Red Light District, and it’ll be on me.”

“.... Fine.”

He brings back the throttle and the plane starts to shake quite a bit, and we start dropping.

“Okay, that’s good”, I tell him.

It’s go time.

I turn on the cargo compartment’s fire alarm, then leap downstairs, not even hitting a single step. I’m welcomed by red lights flashing and sirens going off. Oh, and some VERY worried looking Egyptians.

“FUCK! WE’RE GOING DOWN!!!”

I run to the storage closet and pull out two parachutes. I toss one to the load master, and quickly slip mine on, all along screaming;

“AAAARRRRGGHHHH! WE'RE CRASHING!!!!”

I’m pretty sure they didn’t understand what I was saying, but they sure picked up on my body language. After hooking up the ‘chute, I sprint past all of them to the back where the troop drop doors are. I look back and they are frantically scrambling about. Some shouting, some praying, and some stuck in their seats, not sure what to do.

I couldn’t keep a straight face anymore. I exploded with laughter. The loadmaster was laughing as well, but noticeably trying to hide it. A couple of the Egyptians actually found it funny too. I start walking back towards the front of the plane. I’m nearly back to the steps when I hear some VERY angry Egyptianese being shouted at me. One of the soldiers had taken it pretty damn serious. He was almost as tall as me, 6'2, maybe 6'3. He approaches and pushes me with all his might. I slam against the bathroom door.

“Dude, what the fuck’s your problem?” I say, knowing full and well he didn’t understand.

Before I knew it, the assault rifle that was slung around his shoulder was pointed at me. I’ll admit it, I was pretty scared. But one of the most important things I learned, growing up in East Los Angeles was to never show how scared you really are. I unzip my flight suit, revealing the holstered pistol that we are issued. As I reach for it, a guy (whom I assumed to be the leader of this group) grabbed him. A short conversation was exchanged, and he reluctantly gives his weapon to his commander. I follow suit by putting away mine.

I go back upstairs, and turn off the alarm.

“What’s going on down there?”, one of the pilots ask

“Oh, nothing, sir”

I walk back over to the crew bunk, and peak out the little window once again. He’s giving me the coldest stare down I’ve ever received.

But fuck me, I just can’t leave good enough alone.

I pull out my pistol, point it at my temple, then at him, as if telling him “Your ass is mine.” He reached over and grabbed his ‘Patty Cake Partner’s’ rifle, stands up, and aims it at me.

“Oh, shit!” I mumble as I leap away from the window. I holster my pistol once more, and go take a seat behind the co-pilot.

“How much longer do we have?”

“9 hours”

“Fuuuuuck”

I sit there, staring out the window. A few seconds later, I point out to the distance,

“There’s a couple of Altocumulus’ at 3 o’clock and some Cirrus above us”






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Submitted by bob at 2007-01-10 15:30:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ahhahahhahahahha.

you should get a PSP or something so you dont have to rely on Egyptian soldiers for entertainment.

Submitted by homer42 at 2007-01-10 15:18:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DeathJester at 2007-01-09 12:57:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Pwned?

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-12-02 13:01:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Was the word "jihad" or "derka" used?

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2005-12-02 12:46:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well told. Patty cake is manly, so quit acting like a bitch.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-12-01 17:16:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-01 07:08:05 (#)
Ranking: 2

haha, if it was a training mission for the egyptians, you can be sure the gun wasn't loaded.

Submitted by precision at 2005-12-01 15:23:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Last time I was on a C-130 the loadmaster (male) went into the cockpit and put his dick on the pilots shoulder (female pilot)... she about crashed us trying to smack his pecker with her kneeboard

Submitted by Wisher at 2005-12-01 15:18:54 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Umm, kinda funny, even though I believe you embellished a great deal. The gun pointing, -

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-01 14:58:45 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-12-01 14:51:34 (#)
Ranking: 2

What are you flying? C-130's or C-141's?

--------------------------------------------
C-17. I'm a 'HUD-Baby', baby

Submitted by Maddog at 2005-12-01 14:51:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

What are you flying? C-130's or C-141's?

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-01 14:16:57 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-01 09:30:35 (#)
Ranking: 2

Dude you are the best n00b Uber has ever seen.
-----------------------------------------------
eh... don't speak to soon.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2005-12-01 14:12:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Axolotl at 2005-12-01 13:42:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by garcon_fou at 2005-12-01 11:24:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for getting this comment:

The New Zealand Para's, otherwise known as "British meat bombs".

Submitted by XFile at 2005-12-01 11:16:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

WTF!!! I'M NOT READING ALL THAT!

Wait...

I did!

Curse you!

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-12-01 11:11:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

nice

Submitted by el_em_en_oh at 2005-12-01 10:43:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Enjoyable.

Submitted by Electro at 2005-12-01 10:22:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You are seriously trying to get your ass fucked up, eh?

Submitted by ThineJericho at 2005-12-01 10:21:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was fun.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-01 10:06:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-01 09:59:27 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:39:36 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:30:05 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:20:30 (#)
Ranking: 2

Guns on planes. Always a good idea.
------------
They're soldiers. What do you expect them to have? Pointed sticks?
-=-=-=-==--==-=-=
Yeah... I mean for god's sakes this isn't the RNZAF.

-----------==============

would that be "KiwiAir"?
----------------------------------------
The New Zealand Para's, otherwise known as "British meat bombs".

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2005-12-01 10:00:38 EST (#)
Rating: -1

I was expecting this to be a lot better. It had good potential, but no I was disappointed.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-01 09:59:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:39:36 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:30:05 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:20:30 (#)
Ranking: 2

Guns on planes. Always a good idea.
------------
They're soldiers. What do you expect them to have? Pointed sticks?
-=-=-=-==--==-=-=
Yeah... I mean for god's sakes this isn't the RNZAF.

-----------==============

would that be "KiwiAir"?

Submitted by proofofpurchase at 2005-12-01 09:47:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I like reading your stuff

Submitted by PokeyPecker at 2005-12-01 09:30:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Dude you are the best n00b Uber has ever seen.

Submitted by JMG114 at 2005-12-01 08:40:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hahahahaha.

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-12-01 08:17:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

They use our old navy and airforce stuff, but the only guns I saw thr troops with were AK's

Submitted by Walker at 2005-12-01 08:02:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wow!

Submitted by TheSpook at 2005-12-01 07:53:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Egyptian military equipment is all of our old shit.

I used to design shit for their subs.

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-12-01 07:15:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

One of my favorite posts by you

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-12-01 07:08:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

haha, if it was a training mission for the egyptians, you can be sure the gun wasn't loaded.

Submitted by williamson at 2005-12-01 05:39:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:30:05 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:20:30 (#)
Ranking: 2

Guns on planes. Always a good idea.
------------
They're soldiers. What do you expect them to have? Pointed sticks?
-=-=-=-==--==-=-=
Yeah... I mean for god's sakes this isn't the RNZAF.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-01 05:30:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-01 05:20:30 (#)
Ranking: 2

Guns on planes. Always a good idea.
------------
They're soldiers. What do you expect them to have? Pointed sticks?

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2005-12-01 05:20:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Guns on planes. Always a good idea.

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-12-01 04:49:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was pretty enjoyable.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-01 04:30:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've lost all sympathy for you, you're doomed.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-01 03:38:55 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-12-01 03:34:44 (#)
Ranking: 2

Okay you can you die of something less horrible just this once. I'll let it slide. You don't suck. That bad
-----------------------------------------------------------
Whew, thank god. I thought this was gonna turn into one of those

"Fuck you, I'll dig up your dead grandma and fuck her"

"Noooo, FUCK YOU! I hope you get raped by a gay bowling team!"

But now I can go to bed in peace

Plus I wanna die suffocating while eating out your moms ass..

haha, just kidding...maybe

Submitted by Tom at 2005-12-01 03:34:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Okay you can you die of something less horrible just this once. I'll let it slide. You don't suck. That bad.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-01 03:30:56 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-12-01 03:25:57 (#)
Ranking: -2

Hey, guess what assholes: STOP USING "BLA BLA BLA **OR** BLA BLA BLA" TITLES BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING CLICHE AND IT'S FUCKING OLD AND I WANT YOU TO FUCKING DIE OF CANCER.
-------------------------------
Oh, yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Your forgiveness please, sir

ass

Submitted by Tom at 2005-12-01 03:25:57 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Hey, guess what assholes: STOP USING "BLA BLA BLA **OR** BLA BLA BLA" TITLES BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING CLICHE AND IT'S FUCKING OLD AND I WANT YOU TO FUCKING DIE OF CANCER.

Submitted by GaidinCanuck at 2005-12-01 03:12:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Funny stuff.

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2005-12-01 03:05:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

They should make a jackass-stylee programme centred around the escapades of the Forces. It'll be a hoot.

Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2005-12-01 03:04:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Holy fuck...nice work!

Submitted by joedaddy at 2005-12-01 02:57:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

don't be blinded by the crepuscular rays comming into the cockpit...

and for Christ sake, Don't... go into the Pyramids

the smell of 4000 year old urination, defecation and expectoration will ground you for weeks


Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags should do it!

-- Homer Simpson
Homer vs. Patty and Selma