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Life from the Male Perspective

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-01 08:26:30 EST
Rating: 1.69 on 177 ratings (177 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Ok, I was a dude yesterday. I let my pit hair grow, I watched “Pumping Iron,” and I said “fuckin’ shit” about 447 times. Uh oh. My cock iches.

*scratchedy scratch*

“Oh man, that’s the shit right there…the FUCKIN’ shit.”

When I got the idea to write this post I thought I wouldn’t have any trouble with it. I have lots of male friends, I play basketball with them and occasionally hunt large packs for sport. In fact, I have large jars full of collected masculinity, severed and stored in formaldehyde, with each specimen facing due north to placate my needs for a feng shui environment. Still, with all that going for me, I had no clue what to write. Then I had a flash of inspiration. I had to become a man. I had to experience the world as men do. So, I left my razor in its pink wall mounting, didn’t wash my hair, and began cursing. Here’s a record of my day.

6:30A.M.

I crawled out of bed and started drinking a beer. It was brewed cold in Colorado and shipped cold to ensure maximum freshness. Unfortunately, because of my massive penis, I had drunk half of it the night before and left the rest on my dresser. By then it was flat and tasted like a fart given substance. Who cares though? All real men need a little of the hair of the dog that bit them—even if it tastes like warm goat sweat.

7:00AM

I threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that said, “Tacos taste better on the rag.” I completed my look with a ripe banana down my pants and a hat to cover up my hair. I couldn’t really think of the perfect male-defining head gear, since trucker hats are all over the place and pimp hats our out of fashion, so I got the next best thing and pulled on an old, beat up “Ball U” hat. The brim was razored to perfection.

7:30 AM I waked into a local Starbucks and stood wobbling back and forth. I turned to the guy behind me—a middle-aged man in a polo shirt

“Fuck man, what a night.”

“Excuse me.”

“Dude, I drank my ass off. I was pissin’ for 10 minutes this morning.”

“…”

I slapped his shoulder.

“God, it’s a miracle I didn’t piss myself.”

“Miss, your next”

It was the guy at the counter.

“Miss.” I grabbed my crotch.” I ain’t no miss. This is a penis!”

He scrunched his nose. “Sorry. Can I take your order?”

I shook my head and spit on the floor. “Yeah. I’ll have a large black coffee and a Sausage Mcmuffin.”

“We don’t have those.”

“WELL, Aren’t you totally worthless?”

“We do have bagels…maybe you would like a biscotti?”

“Listen Chuck, I have a wicked hangover and I don’t want no biscotti. I want a large coffee and a fucking sausage Mcmuffin.”

“We don’t have Mcmuffins; they sell those at McDonalds.”

“Fuck this. “ I turned around and grabbed Mr. polo shirt. “Come on dude. Fuck them.”

He pulled free. “What are you doing? I don’t know you.”

“Whatever…. Fuckin’ shit.”


7:50 AM

I walked into work. The first person to see me was Hitchcock. His real name is Alfred, but I torture him by using a nickname he must have heard since he was seven.

“Ally, you’re early today?”

“Yeah, Hitchcock. Starbucks was out of fucking Mcmuffins.”

He scrunched his nose the same way the clerk had and looked me over.

“What’s that?” He pointed down at my thigh.

“Jealous, Hitchcock?”

“Not really.”

“Sure you are. I bet you want to touch it.”

“I don’t even know what ‘it’ is.”

“Whatever.” I changed gears. “Did you see the game last night? The B’s need some help on defense.”

He was still glancing at my meat. “Uh, no, I called it an early night and turned in at eight.”

“What kind of a man are you?”

“The tired kind, I guess.”

I walked over and slapped his shoulder. “I know. You were exhausted from drinking and nailing a ton of broads—way to go.”

”Broads?”

“Sorry—WOMEN? Geesh.”

“Are you OK, Ally?”

“I’m fine, Hitchock.”

“Well, I got to go and…ah…later.”

I did a Sammy Sosa chest thump and finished it with the peace sign. He shook his head and left.

9:40 AM.

Boring day as usual. Thanks to the uptight boss, I couldn’t hit the net and find porn. How is a guy supposed to make it through the day without seeing some titties and busting his nut under the Formica? I have a newfound respect for my male co-workers. I mean, I couldn’t stop feeling the banana through my jeans. I felt so massive and powerful. If I really had a penis, I’d walk around all day long with my hand down my pants grunting periodically.

11:15 AM

I looked up from a report to see Sue staring at me. “Ally?”

“Hey loveliness.”

“Alfred told me you had a new look and a…” She looked south. “…what the fuck is that?”

I massaged the banana through the fabric. “Just a buddy looking for a friend. Do you want to be his friend, Sue?”

“Jesus …”

“Oh Sue, I prefer to call him Mohammad. He can bring life to the desert. Want me to fill that well?”

She laughed. “Whatever you are on, I’d like some.”

I reached in my pocket and pulled out some Tag body spray. I hit my pits and my crotch. Then I winked.

She laughed again. “Well, I got to get back to work. Don’t forget to tell me what this is about when you get your head fixed.”

“Oh Sue, I hate to see you go. Tut, tut, tut.” I looked her over. “All those curves and no brakes.”

She snorted and coughed all the way to the other side of the office.

1:00 P.M.

Hunger hit my like a Mack Truck. Normally my appetite is enormous, but with my newfound masculinity, it seemed more so (my hacky sack scrotum apparently sucked the energy out of body). I went to the break room and took out my lunch. It was two pieces of Wonder bread wrapped around three different kinds of meat…and a pickle the size of my forearm. I ate the pickle first, taking largely manly bites without chewing. I almost choked twice, but my testosterone enriched neck muscles merely laughed at the inconvenience, putting a shoulder to the load and heaving it on its way.

While I downed some Mountain dew to finish the job, Hitchcock walked in.

“Oh, no.”

“Hold it there, Hitchcock. What do you think of my sandwich?”

He was stammering. “It’s fine.”

“How about my beverage? The Dew. is a natural spermicide. I can bang all the ladies I want with no repercussions.”

“…you…what?”

“You saying I’ll make babies?”

“No…yes…”

I took another swig. “The hell I will. Fuckin’ shit.”

He got a grip on himself. “The Mountain Dew thing is a myth—besides, it supposedly only works on…”

“Spit it out Hitchcock.

“You can’t…”

“Nevermind …what’s with those bitches and their yeast infections?”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

I dropped my sandwich. “You’ve never run into one? Jesus, man, count yourself lucky. The last time I made it with a yeasty, food didn’t taste right for a week. It was like bobbing for apples in a tub of vinegar oatmeal.

“I got to go.”

“Yeah…get back to work. You’re putting me off my sandwich.”

He wanted to say something, but decided better of it.

4:00 P.M.

I punched out. Nothing beats the feeling of being free from the daily grind. When you’re a guy all you want to do is get home so you can drink a beer, take a shower, and masturbate for an hour.

4:35 P.M.

I was really up for my hour long masturbation session, but my banana squished after five minutes of “pimpmypoon.com.” No big loss. I wanted to save my energy for the nighttime fun.

6:00 P.M.

I ruined another banana. This time I was smacking it against the desk pretending it was some broad’s forehead. When the fire is lit, you don’t know where it will take you. Guys can’t be constrained by barriers.

7:00 P.M.

Time for some clubbin.’ I needed better clothes if I was going to seduce a honey, so I wrapped myself in an ace bandage, put on a wifebeater, and slid into a nice silk shirt. Then I grabbed some carpenter pants I borrowed from a friend, added the banana, and pulled on a slick looking skullcap. For a cherry on top, I threw on half a bottle of Old Spice. Perfection. I was so bangable, I could make a nun wet.


7:20 P.M.

I drove to the bar. For inspiration, I listed to some Tom Jones. He has a big penis too, and he certainly knows what to do with it. After three or four “ooga chackas” I was so ready to penetrate—even if it wasn’t physically possible.

7:25 P.M.

I sat next to a nice brunette with a short, pink skirt and a glittery blouse. I leaned over to her ear. “Hey beautiful.”

She turns and backs away. “Hi.”

I lick my tongue around my mouth. “Mmm, you look tasty.”

“Uh, sorry, but I’m not that way.”

I ignored her. “I got an apartment not far from here. Ever seen a three-foot sculpture of a fish? I got one.”

“Listen, I like guys.”

“Ohh, you’re into more than one. Well, well. I got a friend named ‘T’…”

“I’m straight.”

“T is a guy, don’t worry. It stands for Tino. He learned this shit in Mexico that isn’t legal in 36 states.

She got up and left. I looked over at the guy next to her who had been eavesdropping.

“Her loss, huh?”

He nodded.

“What’s with that look?”

“What look?”

“Hey, just because I invite Tino doesn’t mean I’m gay. We pick ends at the beginning and never come close to touching.

He got up and left.

Unfortunately, the rest of my evening was like that. Picking up a chick is tough work. Sure, a couple of broads gave me a glance, but they looked more manly than me. I got standards. Without standards, you end up like any Joe blow with a diseased banana and an alimony check. Fuck that.

9:30 P.M. I went home with my tail between my legs. I wonder how often men go through this. Especially men as built as me. A woman’s vagina ain’t no palace of diamonds. It’s about time they start letting the gates open for tourists.

I grabbed a beer and put my feet up on the coffee table.

12:00 A.M. I woke up with my face on the keyboard, a nude woman on my screen, and my banana crusting in my hand. The experiment is over. I had become a man.















I-like-my-steak-raw-and-bloody-like-my-women.jpg
I-like-my-steak-raw-and-bloody-like-my-women.jpg


Review This Item

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Reviews


Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-05-24 14:26:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I liked it, granted it was WAY over the top but it was fun.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2010-01-26 14:56:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I wish Ally would write more, she's good.

Submitted by Socialist_Joe at 2010-01-26 14:17:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name at 2010-01-26 01:26:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by bob at 2008-10-25 16:47:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That was fucking hilarious.

Submitted by pen_name at 2008-10-25 16:26:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

50,000 hits!

I'm using my outside voice!

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-08-18 09:02:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

6:00 P.M.

I ruined another banana. This time I was smacking it against the desk pretending it was some broad's forehead. When the fire is lit, you don't know where it will take you. Guys can't be constrained by barriers.

ROFL

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2007-09-05 13:10:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

very funny stuff

I wrote a story about a woman becoming a man for a day: http://www.ubersite.com/m/92396

Submitted by sideshow at 2006-12-18 15:50:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed my ass off at this...so funny. Good job at impersonating a man.....

Submitted by compEngineer0 at 2006-08-09 09:34:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

well done, sort of

Submitted by pen_name at 2006-07-14 19:31:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

FILENAME

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-07-13 06:37:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-01 09:43:30 (#)
Ranking: 2

I can't wait to see who does the parody of this 'Life from a Woman's Perspective'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll fall on that grenade.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-07-13 05:45:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

1. Men only drink beer when there's nothing stronger at hand.
2. Men use a whole bottle of old spice.
3. Men piss when and where we feel like it.
4. Masturbate for an hour, what are you frigid, 4 hours mimimum.
5. Only 3 meats? What kind of man only has 3 meats in a sandwitch.
6. What kind of man only eats 1 sandwitch? A gay one.
7. Men don't eat whole pickles. They look like penises.

The list goes on almost endlessly.

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2006-07-13 04:54:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Jesus Christ this was fucking good!


I'll be honest with you, being a guy is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

No matter how crass we appear to the opposite sex, you know you love it.

Submitted by pen_name at 2006-05-31 08:58:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wish i could write unoriginal mind of mencia sketches that get 30,000 hits.

Submitted by pen_name at 2006-05-31 08:55:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Lunt (user info) at 2006-05-31 01:42:28 (#)
Ranking: -2

Ho hum. Nothing that's funny or original here. The only thing that I laughed at was the reminder of how socially acceptable this type of stereotyping still is.
Why the fuck is this scoring so high? This seriously reads like a Mind of Mencia sketch... just the same three stupid stereotypes repeated over and over. If you are going to male-bash, at least come up with a creative way to do it, you misandrist cunt.

_______________________

hahahahahaha

Submitted by Istaros at 2006-05-31 02:04:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Lunt at 2006-05-31 01:42:28 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Ho hum. Nothing that's funny or original here. The only thing that I laughed at was the reminder of how socially acceptable this type of stereotyping still is.
Why the fuck is this scoring so high? This seriously reads like a Mind of Mencia sketch... just the same three stupid stereotypes repeated over and over. If you are going to male-bash, at least come up with a creative way to do it, you misandrist cunt.

Submitted by Pelvis_Man at 2006-03-05 08:19:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck yeah, fuck this.

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2006-01-07 20:43:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Another +2

Submitted by silverstone148 at 2005-12-26 17:21:52 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by TonyMontana at 2005-12-26 08:18:55 EST (#)
Rating: -1

boring ass dog shit. this could have warranted a ZERO if it were about 3/4 shorter. But instead it went in the same predictable tired ass path....."guys are neanderthals who think with their penises..."

and learn to spell, you stupid cunt.

to all you fags who +2ed this...you are the reason infomercials for get rich quick schemes are profitable.

Submitted by Magic_Monkey at 2005-12-23 21:19:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That was awesome ...er .. i mean .. Fuckin shit !

Submitted by Dante_Alighieri at 2005-12-23 21:03:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Bitch.

Submitted by the_grendel at 2005-12-15 13:20:22 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Method at 2005-12-13 14:46:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

loved it

Submitted by Neener at 2005-12-12 03:17:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-12-11 20:44:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

11,000 hits? pretty good for a broad.

Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2005-12-07 18:32:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh Good God, I'm crying. That is FUNNY!!

Submitted by Magic_Monkey at 2005-12-07 07:14:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That was so fucking cool on so many levels

Submitted by zakalwe at 2005-12-07 06:56:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

this was hilarious, I was just laughing non-stop from about a quarter of the way in. actually going to feel better all day now.

w00t

Submitted by erinly at 2005-12-07 00:14:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Oleannder at 2005-12-06 17:46:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

a real charmer

Submitted by hcp28 at 2005-12-06 17:36:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think I peed a little.

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-12-06 15:24:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I nominated this, see review #4

*stands in line for handjob*

Submitted by PokeyPecker at 2005-12-06 15:08:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Fuck this. " I turned around and grabbed Mr. polo shirt. "Come on dude. Fuck them."

He pulled free. "What are you doing? I don't know you."
==========================================================

This made me laugh till my tummy hurt.

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2005-12-05 12:49:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good job at getting B@W.

Submitted by RamJetMax at 2005-12-05 11:53:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B.at.W...well deserved.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2005-12-05 09:32:03 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2005-12-05 03:39:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was great.

Submitted by forthewin at 2005-12-04 21:50:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I found this highly amusing.

Submitted by supervixen at 2005-12-04 21:21:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

That was all kinds of hilarious!!

B@W - very nice :)

Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron at 2005-12-04 21:01:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ThatOneGirl at 2005-12-04 20:24:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

blech.. i'll stick to womanhood, thank you

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-12-04 20:04:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you're so B@W you shit masterpieces...

Submitted by NerfHerder at 2005-12-04 19:31:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Nevermind ...what's with those bitches and their yeast infections?"

--

Enjoyable. Hooray.

Submitted by ama at 2005-12-04 19:11:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

made me laugh

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-12-04 18:37:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I re-read it.....have a new perspective

+2

Submitted by Rope at 2005-12-04 18:36:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"fuckin' shit"

rofl lololol etc.

Submitted by Hsibaf at 2005-12-04 18:28:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ally you're one funny guy.

Erm...girl

Eh, forget it.

Submitted by PigOnLifeSupport at 2005-12-04 12:42:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-04 12:04:25 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Ah, I don't care about that. :)

I *heart* rad!

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-04 12:02:12 EST (#)
Rating: 0

HAHA. OK, rad.

Now, do you like the twist and twirl, or are you a straightforward butter churn kind of guy?

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-04 12:00:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think that makes up for me singlehandedly fuxx0ring the best uber post ever

<dont cum on sunshine bear>

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-04 11:59:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

*stands on left*

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-04 11:58:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I nominated this 7 minutes after you posted it.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-04 11:53:59 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I'm speechless. I never thought I'd make B@W.

Thank you Had, and any others who submitted this. :)








The line for free handjobs forms on the left.

Submitted by Mothyham at 2005-12-04 11:40:11 EST (#)
Rating: -2

rubbish from a bitter bitch

Submitted by Kirbage at 2005-12-04 08:56:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed quite a bit. Funny little sayings you have, nice smooth flow, you win.

*Goes to read more by you*

Submitted by Call911 at 2005-12-04 08:56:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

congrats on B@W

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-12-04 08:30:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wooo B@W!

Submitted by boy at 2005-12-04 03:11:07 EST (#)
Rating: 0

grow a dick.

how are you a man? damn queer

Submitted by Siren at 2005-12-03 22:58:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I meant to +2 this, but I don't have time to take a descent shit anymore, let alone review posts.

Submitted by Call911 at 2005-12-03 22:02:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is the single greatest thing I have read on this site.

I swear you will never see me write this for any other post.

Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple at 2005-12-03 21:29:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Oh Sue, I prefer to call him Mohammad. He can bring life to the desert. Want me to fill that well?"

I don't laugh often, but I laughed for this. You got me.

Submitted by HadToBeDone at 2005-12-03 20:28:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Not sure who else nominated this, but I know I did. So I'll take the credit.

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-12-03 19:35:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats...and again, this was just so good.

Submitted by Viciousriffs at 2005-12-03 16:48:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Confusion in the Land of Androgyny, Vol. IV

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2005-12-03 12:59:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

FUCKING.GOLD.DUST!

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-12-03 12:47:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"This time I was smacking it against the desk pretending it was some broad's forehead"

--------------------------------------

I laughed, I cried, I dribbled.

Best post evar

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-03 07:10:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-01 08:33:31 (#)
Ranking: 2

B@W

==================================


told you

Submitted by pen_name at 2005-12-03 02:07:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W! Congrats!

This was great!

Submitted by nightshade at 2005-12-03 00:04:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Crystle at 2005-12-02 22:51:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by emxel at 2005-12-02 22:34:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I declare this the best post ever. Seriously.
On a side note, I am imagining what a movie with some decent actresses playing this out might be like. It is hiiilarious.

Submitted by Serious_Melvin at 2005-12-02 22:26:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Super, thanks for asking!!

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-12-02 22:08:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"I ruined another banana. This time I was smacking it against the desk pretending it was some broad's forehead"

__


did I mention you're my favorite uber author? I love you and want to give our baby up for adoption.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-12-02 21:44:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W yay!

Submitted by EatMeCompletely at 2005-12-02 13:04:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Anansie at 2005-12-02 12:39:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I am not a man and therefore could not cite any inconsistencies. Regardless, I laughed my ass off. Anyway, those of you who bitch about said inconsistencies, this was written from the viewpoint of a woman trying to be a man, and therefore the cliches and inconsistencies are in perfect step with that viewpoint. How many times can I say inconsistencies in one review? The possibilities are endless but I will stop here.

Submitted by mtgn37 at 2005-12-02 11:40:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

this was perfect.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-12-02 11:19:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

very funny.


Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-12-02 07:44:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is funnier than shit.

I can't remember...does Shlongy like you?

Submitted by Bellebrown at 2005-12-02 07:42:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can't remember if I rated this or not.
Have another one just in case I missed it.

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-12-02 07:33:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2005-12-01 13:10:45 (#)
Ranking: 2

massaged the banana through the fabric. "Just a buddy looking for a friend. Do you want to be his friend, Sue?"

"Jesus ..."

"Oh Sue, I prefer to call him Mohammad. He can bring life to the desert. Want me to fill that well?"
------------------------

fuckin shit, that was funny!

---------------------
Agreed. This was some top shelf stuff Ally.

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2005-12-02 07:29:44 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Well considering I've got my work Christmas do tonight (yes, early I know) and I started getting ready last night, have spent most of my lunch break dicking around in the loos wetting, moussing and tying-in-a-bun-ing my hair so it goes wavy and will have a frantic mad rush for an HOUR AND A HALF when I get in to get ready before my lift arrives I disagree that men have it all bad. Especially since the guys are planning on going home and watching tv, spending 15 minutes getting ready then leaving.

We have all that PMS/blob thing, we have to worry about cleanliness/whether we smell pretty all the time. Eating sodding Ryvita.

Mind you, we get let off a lot of things. Guys don't get to flirt with guys at work to get stuff done, I get free junk, served first at the bar. I guess it all balances out in the end.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-02 07:19:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hey kent, you down for poker on saturday night?

Submitted by Kent_Weirdo at 2005-12-02 07:01:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You know something? I realized that I only gave this a +1. Mean't to put down a +2. Oh well.

From now on, my hog is now a banana, no matter who I'm talking to.

"So, what's the problem today?"

"Well, doc, I've got me a weird sore on my banana..."

Submitted by Walker at 2005-12-02 06:40:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

*applauds*

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-12-02 01:38:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Holy fuck that's amazing!




Except I prefer naughtyathome.com or naughtyamerica.com....



Don't ask.

Submitted by supadupapupa at 2005-12-02 01:33:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I was getting strange looks while I chortled at this, dang!

This was the funniest fuckin' shit I've read in a long fuckin' shit time!

Submitted by Bigmike at 2005-12-01 23:54:47 EST (#)
Rating: 1

This was pretty funny.

I shudder to think of how many women out there believe these stereotypes.

Worse yet, I shudder to think of all the men out there who are truly like this.

I'm sure there's millions.

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-12-01 23:36:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"The last time I made it with a yeasty, food didn't taste right for a week. It was like bobbing for apples in a tub of vinegar oatmeal."

Gadzooks.

This was pretty funny. If I thought you actually did all this stuff, I would ask you to marry me.

Then after you (of course) accepted, I would divorce you on the grounds that you were insane and take half your things.

Submitted by Kale at 2005-12-01 21:28:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by GaidinCanuck at 2005-12-01 21:22:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Too funny.

Submitted by Gunslinger at 2005-12-01 20:04:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

SO AWESOME! ^.^

Submitted by MoonStone at 2005-12-01 19:23:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

fuckin hilarious

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2005-12-01 19:00:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman." -Homer Simpson

Submitted by Short-n-Sweet at 2005-12-01 16:52:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hilarious!

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-12-01 16:44:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

dang, Ally you always kick serious ass! Too many +2s to give out here....


She laughed. "Whatever you are on, I'd like some."

I reached in my pocket and pulled out some Tag body spray.

Submitted by Over_There at 2005-12-01 15:18:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking a, that was good.

"Boring day as usual. Thanks to the uptight boss, I couldn't hit the net and find porn. How is a guy supposed to make it through the day without seeing some titties and busting his nut under the Formica?"

That's my new away message tonight when I get home from work.

Submitted by Draqus at 2005-12-01 15:11:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

All kinds of cool abounded.

Deserved a +5 for the yeast infection comment.

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2005-12-01 14:57:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good. Very good. Yeah I squash my banana frequently. You have to give it a few hours to let it fill back up.

Submitted by firefly at 2005-12-01 14:53:27 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by G-prime at 2005-12-01 14:53:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by FartSmeller at 2005-12-01 14:49:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"I almost choked twice, but my testosterone enriched neck muscles merely laughed at the inconvenience, putting a shoulder to the load and heaving it on its way."
--------------------------------

This is truly the funniest thing I've read in at least the last 100 posts. Fucking amazing.

Submitted by Cryslynn1 at 2005-12-01 14:07:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I meant to +2 you. :)

Submitted by Cryslynn1 at 2005-12-01 14:07:14 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Hahaha~ Funny shit. For Halloween I dressed up as a plumber. I had those steel tip boots on, and damn, those things are heavy. I'm glad I'm not a man. I mean besides not being able to pee standing up and anywhere I choose to do so, getting my rag every month and PMS...I guess being a female is alright.

Submitted by Zoidberg at 2005-12-01 13:48:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

very good stuff

Submitted by Axolotl at 2005-12-01 13:41:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky at 2005-12-01 13:10:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

massaged the banana through the fabric. "Just a buddy looking for a friend. Do you want to be his friend, Sue?"

"Jesus ..."

"Oh Sue, I prefer to call him Mohammad. He can bring life to the desert. Want me to fill that well?"
------------------------

fuckin shit, that was funny!

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2005-12-01 13:04:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"oh, to speak on one's feet
to beat on one's brain
the popular mechanics are at it again
a tenement filled with side-show freaks
assembled to downgrade
an immpeccable arrangement
by the soft-rock renegades
and give me time to light
a sentimental torch tonight
i'm a big fan of the pigpen

sharper than most
cut with exacto
gone is all good
ex post facto
ba-da-ba-da...
oh, oh..."
-R. Pollard

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2005-12-01 13:02:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"my hacky sack scrotum apparently sucked the energy out of body"


ha!

Submitted by pantsarestupid at 2005-12-01 12:57:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wow. I want to play man for a day! But for now i'm just going to get a cheeseburger.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2005-12-01 12:45:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'd say B@W, but it's too close to the other post, Female erspective.

Submitted by Ejryuu at 2005-12-01 12:39:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck you.

I love you.

Submitted by Ferretnose at 2005-12-01 12:37:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

scratchedy scratch

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-01 11:55:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

shave your head and put your husband's navy uniform on, stuff with a small rolled up sock, lot more realistic... worked for me.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-01 11:44:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think it's entirely plausable that the dick can itch. Can you get a zit on your dick? I assume you can. Since zits itch, a dick can itch.

Ipso facto
---------------
It doesn't happen. I mean, do you get zits on your hoo-hoo?

QED

It does itch if you've caught material in between the forskin and head.

Submitted by GodChicken at 2005-12-01 11:39:33 EST (#)
Rating: 1

what the fuck? hahaha

Submitted by zoobie2000 at 2005-12-01 11:36:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-12-01 11:27:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by Lisa at 2005-12-01 11:25:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hilarious. It's the best thing I've read on Ubersite for a long while.

Submitted by Kent_Weirdo at 2005-12-01 11:25:39 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Are we not men?

I guess that WE ARE Devo after all...

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-12-01 11:25:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"The B's need some help on defense."
----------


yeah...about that.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2005-12-01 11:20:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"A woman's vagina ain't no palace of diamonds."
+2 for that.

Submitted by interchange at 2005-12-01 11:05:30 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I think it's entirely plausable that the dick can itch. Can you get a zit on your dick? I assume you can. Since zits itch, a dick can itch.
-------------

I had a zit on my dick once. It didn't itch, really. More like it hurt.

Wait, maybe that wasn't a zit...

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-01 11:04:29 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-01 11:00:29 (#)
Ranking: -2

this was absolute shite.

--------------------------------------------------------

HAHAHA, come on...I just looked at your last post....COME ON!

HAHAHAHAHA

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-01 11:02:36 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by interchange (user info) at 2005-12-01 10:57:48 (#)
Ranking: 1

Not quite +2 worthy.

FYI, the cock don't itch. It's the sack that itches.

If the sack didn't start itching after a while, men would never shower.

------------------------------------------------------------

I think it's entirely plausable that the dick can itch. Can you get a zit on your dick? I assume you can. Since zits itch, a dick can itch.

Ipso facto

Submitted by wardy at 2005-12-01 11:00:29 EST (#)
Rating: -2

this was absolute shite.

Submitted by interchange at 2005-12-01 10:57:48 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Not quite +2 worthy.

FYI, the cock don't itch. It's the sack that itches.

If the sack didn't start itching after a while, men would never shower.

Submitted by Foonbo at 2005-12-01 10:55:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh, shit, she's infiltrated our society, boys. Do you realize the potential reprocussions?!!!

Oh, yeah, and B@W!

Submitted by sinna at 2005-12-01 10:47:52 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I swear the only reason you didn't get punched out is that people knew you were a bird. +1 for having balls (I should be locked up for a pun like that!).

Submitted by boomslang at 2005-12-01 10:42:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i bet you're the kind of chick that really likes to polish the knob

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-12-01 10:39:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-01 09:57:28 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-01 09:43:30 (#)
Ranking: 2

I can't wait to see who does the parody of this 'Life from a Woman's Perspective.

------------------------------------------------------------

That's easy. A picture of girl looking up at a heavy pair of balls.

That would be GOLD as they say.

---
"I think of a man, and I take away reason, and accountability" Melvin

Submitted by HadToBeDone at 2005-12-01 10:38:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Anything that makes people from other departments come check on me because there's no way one person can laugh that loud gets a +2 from me.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-12-01 10:37:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-01 10:11:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"I'm not a meat puppett, I'm a real boy!"

Submitted by RamJetMax at 2005-12-01 10:05:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2005-12-01 09:26:34 (#)
Ranking: 2

My stomach hurts from laughing, my eyes are watering, and I'm making strange gutteral throat noises in lieu of laughing at work...highly unrealistic and stereotypical, but I can see that was your aim, so fantastic.

B@W

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Holy shit this was awesome. I have no idea why this does not have a perfect 2.0 rating. I read this:

"I ruined another banana. This time I was smacking it against the desk pretending it was some broad's forehead. When the fire is lit, you don't know where it will take you."

and spit my morning coffee all over my keyboard...damn thing is going to have sticky keys for weeks now.

Seriously, you have a great style...you should clean it up a bit and send it around...I would be there are a few web sites or magazines that would be interested in publishing something like this.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-01 09:57:28 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-01 09:43:30 (#)
Ranking: 2

I can't wait to see who does the parody of this 'Life from a Woman's Perspective.

------------------------------------------------------------

That's easy. A picture of girl looking up at a heavy pair of balls.

That would be GOLD as they say.

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-12-01 09:43:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can't wait to see who does the parody of this 'Life from a Woman's Perspective'

Submitted by leilani at 2005-12-01 09:33:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-01 08:41:59 (#)
Ranking: 2

I don't think it's possible for a woman to appreciate how hard it is to be a man.
______

hahahahaHA

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin at 2005-12-01 09:31:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-01 09:21:46 (#)
Ranking: 0

HAHA, I think the men who are giving zeros aren't being honest. The tone sounds like -1. If that's what's really in your hearts go ahead. Hell, if you can figure out a way to tamper with the code so you can drop a -10, go for it. :)
---------------------------------------------
If you're looking for honesty, I suggest you go someplace else.

Submitted by leilani at 2005-12-01 09:30:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The last time I made it with a yeasty, food didn't taste right for a week. It was like bobbing for apples in a tub of vinegar oatmeal.

holy shit, b@w

Submitted by Ducky at 2005-12-01 09:26:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

My stomach hurts from laughing, my eyes are watering, and I'm making strange gutteral throat noises in lieu of laughing at work...highly unrealistic and stereotypical, but I can see that was your aim, so fantastic.

B@W

Submitted by proofofpurchase at 2005-12-01 09:22:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Funny

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-01 09:21:46 EST (#)
Rating: 0

HAHA, I think the men who are giving zeros aren't being honest. The tone sounds like -1. If that's what's really in your hearts go ahead. Hell, if you can figure out a way to tamper with the code so you can drop a -10, go for it. :)


Submitted by m0ke34 at 2005-12-01 09:18:44 EST (#)
Rating: 1

starbucks food does suck. so does their coffee, really. I still don't understand how people just sit there all day.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2005-12-01 09:15:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wasn't enjoying it much until the hacky sack scrotum saved the day.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2005-12-01 09:13:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I thought it was pretty danm funny, the office more than anything else but still all enjoyable.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-01 09:13:32 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I remember hitting a your/you're and just blanking out. Seriously. I think it hit me on the third level of my subconscious. I was just too into the zone to care. I apologize for that.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-01 09:12:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Your better off giving everyone +2's but calling them dog shit.

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-12-01 09:10:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

GL - I give less than +2s all the time so I wasn't sure where your 'asskissing' comment came from, matter of fact I think I'm a pretty honest rater.

What do you mean you won't be watching me on uber all the time? That is totally not acceptable and I will contacting my team of lawyers to pursue further legal action as to your insubordination.

Ally - no problem, its a good post...IN MY OPINION!

Submitted by DCWoody at 2005-12-01 09:07:57 EST (#)
Rating: 1

"hats our out of fashion", also your/you're.

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin at 2005-12-01 09:06:15 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.

jonesy0987.at.hotmail.com (If I see you rate without my permission anymore, I probably won't do anything or even find out for that matter.)

I just think it's funny how if you give anything less than a +2 nowadays, I get the impression you might as well rip an unborn child straight out of their beating hearts. No offense meant to anyone. I speak on behalf of all zeroers everywhere.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-01 09:01:40 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2005-12-01 08:48:46 (#)
Ranking: 1

I got bored about half way through, but what I read was good.
terrible spelling though

---------------------------------------------------------

I know that Hitchcock gave me trouble. I kept writing Hitch-ock. I had some aversion to the letter c.


Thanks for your support badass.

Honestly, I loved it myself. That's amazing, since I usually nitpick everything I write.

Submitted by Fabit at 2005-12-01 08:58:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I thought this was brilliantly done. Amazingly good for a new user. I laughed so hard. Doesn't really apply to the English Gentlemen. We're refined don't you know.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-01 08:55:08 EST (#)
Rating: 0

HAHA, Mac/Mack...I think I was dwelling on a guy named Mack who really did ram into me one time.

As for the rest, you guys are absolutely confusing me. I'm fine if everyone hates it, or everyone likes it, but when the room divides like this, smoke comes out of my ears and I get stummy pains.



P.S. I need a biscotti.

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-12-01 08:52:45 EST (#)
Rating: 1

+1 for the effort

Sorry Badass for liking different things

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-12-01 08:50:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

*my

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-12-01 08:48:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

To each his own gentlemen, I should not have called anyone out, I should have just shared me opinion.

I thought it was funny as shit, I wasn't kissing anyone's ass but from now on GLALL I'll check with you to make sure something is funny...do you have email so I can get ahold of you?

Submitted by DCWoody at 2005-12-01 08:48:46 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I got bored about half way through, but what I read was good.
terrible spelling though

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-12-01 08:47:56 EST (#)
Rating: 1

How does the guy jump from frat guy to "slick looking skullcap" wearing clubber? The two are incompatable. That would be like at night him curling up to harry potter.

Still had some funny parts though.

Submitted by chgable at 2005-12-01 08:47:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Kick Ass !

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2005-12-01 08:46:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Miss." I grabbed my crotch." I ain't no miss. This is a penis!"

(my hacky sack scrotum apparently sucked the energy out of body)

It was like bobbing for apples in a tub of vinegar oatmeal.
------
Well done.
This was hilarious.

Submitted by JMG114 at 2005-12-01 08:45:27 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-01 08:41:52 (#)
Ranking: 2

I think some of the men rating here are doing their own study on how to PMS properly.

Seriously who are we if we can't laugh at ourselves?

------------------------------


Of course we can. When it's done humorously. I dig Ally's stuff, but I just didn't find this comparable to some of her previous outings.

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin at 2005-12-01 08:44:47 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Or respect other people's opinions for that matter? Seriously who are we? Transformers?

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin at 2005-12-01 08:43:47 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2005-12-01 08:41:52 (#)
Ranking: 2

I think some of the men rating here are doing their own study on how to PMS properly.

Seriously who are we if we can't laugh at ourselves?
-----------------------------------------------------------
I think some of the men rating here are doing their own study on how to suck ass from someone new to get some fresh +2's properly.

Seriously who are we if we can't suck complete and total ass to everyone?

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-01 08:41:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I don't think it's possible for a woman to appreciate how hard it is to be a man.

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-12-01 08:41:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think some of the men rating here are doing their own study on how to PMS properly.

Seriously who are we if we can't laugh at ourselves?

Submitted by Dervel at 2005-12-01 08:40:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.

Submitted by NotSteve at 2005-12-01 08:39:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I want to fuck you. Go get me a beer. Fuckin' shit.

Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin at 2005-12-01 08:39:35 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I couldn't get into this, either. Nice try, I just couldn't even finish it. I don't think you've ever met a man in your life.

Submitted by badassmofo at 2005-12-01 08:36:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Holy shit this was funny

"T is a guy, don't worry. It stands for Tino. He learned this shit in Mexico that isn't legal in 36 states.

That was pure gold.

B@W is a definite possibility here.

oh and it's MAC not MACK

Submitted by JMG114 at 2005-12-01 08:36:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Snoresville.


"I was really up for my hour long masturbation session"

To be fully accurate, it should read, "thirty-second masturbation session." You also left out all of the psychotic women a man encounters on a day-to-day basis, making him WANT to masturbate alone.

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-12-01 08:34:58 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I really wanted to like this. Parts I did, however it just seemed the humor was being forced. Maybe it's just me, we'll see

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-01 08:33:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W


Homer: Your mother and I have been thinking about giving the puppies
away.

Bart and Lisa:
Noooooo!

Homer: Mainly your mother.

Two Dozen and One Greyhounds