login / register
Not even kidding: rap can fuck entirely off. It is less than of no value. Disagree, you're stupid.
Welcome to Ubersite!

I Learned How to Reproduce! Sorry World.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-09 03:10:19 EST
Rating: 1.67 on 49 ratings (49 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Well, it’s official folks. I’m gonna be a father.

Fuck me...

My girlfriend had shown positive on a home pregnancy test, and we decided to go to the doctor yesterday to confirm it. And confirmed it was. I can easily say that it was the best/most fucked up day of my life.

Last night was spent worrying about vaccination, schools and all that other crap I’ve heard other’s bitch about after they got the “good news”. I called my parents to tell them they are gonna be grandparents at the ripe old age of 45.

Mom: “Oh Hijo (son in Spanish), that’s terrific news. I’m so excited for you and Denise.”

Dad: “You DO realize that your life is over, right? I hope you’ve accomplished everything you want in life. You gave me such a headache when you were a baby. You mother constantly had to stop me from tying you up in a pillowcase and dropping you off at the Goodwill.”

Mom: “Give me that phone! Don’t listen to your father, Christopher. You were a little angel. I couldn’t ask for a sweeter...”

Dad:(in the background) YOU WERE A MONSTER!

This went on for another 5 minutes before I hung up.

My friends weren’t of much help either. Every piece of advice they gave me involved either steel toed boots to the gut, or a rusty coat hanger.

After getting a full 3 hours of sleep, it dawned on me that my little sports compact isn’t a fitting family car. So this morning I went out and bought the new Charger. (Hey, who said that a family car had to be a minivan?)

So, after lunch, Denise and myself decided to sit down and have a serious conversation about the kid. She should know better than to think I can actually have a serious conversation, but I tried my best.

The first thing we talked about was the child’s confusion about its race. We are both interracial. I am half White and half Hispanic. She is half Korean and half Native American. But I was able to solve this problem VERY quickly...

“Our child is going to be White!”

“Wait, Chris, you can’t just say...”

“Woman, didn’t you hear me? My child is going to be white. Next issue.”

“Yeah, but...”

“NEXT ISSUE!”

Our next subject was the baby’s name. No problem, I think. If it’s a girl, I like either Taylor Lindsay. If we have a boy, I like Brodie or Bryce. Short and sweet. Or so I thought.

“Well, if it’s a girl, I want to name it either Joo-eun or Dae. Both are of Korean herita...”

“Your joking, right, Denise?”

“No. And if its a boy, I want to name it Yuma, after my grandfather. What do you think?”

“What do I think? Well, I think you weren’t listening to me when I said our child is going to be white. Yeah, that’s what I think.”

“Well, how do you know our child will turn out white?”

Come on, now. Look how white I am. And your only half- Korean. The closest thing our kid is going to come to looking Asian is a slight squint in the eyes. And people will probably mistake it for a mild case of Downs Syndrome the majority of the time. And as for ‘Yuma’... well, I’m sure your grandpa was a great guy and all, but this isn’t the 1930's, and we don’t live on an Indian Reservation. How would you like it if I wanted to name it Gustavo, or Ernesto?”

“I wouldn’t mind at all.”

“You lying whore.” (note: calling your new baby-momma a lying whore is not a good move)

We talked for another hour or so, and found a happy median between the rest of the subjects. Then we came to our final topic, discipline. She believes in talking with the child about cause and effect of actions, time out in the corner, blah blah blah.

“How do YOU think we should discipline our kid, Chris?”

“Well, I’ll just beat the shit out of it until he or she learns not to fuck up.”

“What? You’ve got to be joking!?”

“Nope, I’m serious as a heart attack.”

“Why? Did your dad beat you when you were young?”

“Oh, no way. My dad never laid a finger on me. But I’ll tell you right now, I wouldn’t have done half the stupid shit I did if he had instilled a little fear in me. Plus, I think it builds character.”

That was it for her. She was done trying to make deals with me. She went into the kitchen to make dinner. I went out for a drive in my new toy. That’s when it hit me. The one thing that can possibly screw up my child’s whole life...

What if I have a son, and he receives the Asian gene in his dick? That could quite possibly ruin him. I can see it now...

“Dad, why is my dick so small?”

“Go ask your mom, son. It’s all HER fault.”

The one single moment that will cause him years of therapy later in life.


But in all reality, I am very excited about everything. I keep telling myself that I’m gonna be the most kick-ass dad ever...

If I have a son, I’m going to enjoy beating his ass at basketball until he’s about 16.

And if I have a girl, I’m going to enjoy sitting in the livingroom, cleaning my guns when boys come over to take her on dates.

A human. I am now responsible for taking care a freaking human being. To raise it, teach it, mold it...

Christ, I think I’m gonna puke...


Review This Item

Rating:

Comment:




Reviews


Submitted by ridiculous at 2010-07-13 05:43:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Tomorokoshi at 2010-07-13 03:40:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2006-01-09 08:43:43 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Yeah, we've learned that it really isn't as uncommon as we thought. It's been 4 days now, and we are doing MUCH better. She's even began joking around about it a little, which I take as a good sign that she's not leting it eat her away(hopefully).

Submitted by bob at 2006-01-07 13:42:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

dont worry about it Cali, over 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriages.

stabkill is also right, a lot of times the baby will self-abort if there is a development issue.

Submitted by Stabkill at 2006-01-07 13:22:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Miscarriages is natures way of avoiding problems...outside of a few medical conditions that can auto-abort a fetus, there was something wrong and it is probably good that it happened. Of course, women never feel this way...

Hell, my ex had some odd bleeding and thought she miscarried and was all pathetic and shit. Fuckin' head-case nut women.... Should have clued me in to run like hell. Anyway, the kid was born healthy. Women are insane.

It still sucks that it happened, but hopefully she won't go literally insane like a mormon woman I knew (wife of a friend)...so much so he had to leave the military to take care of her. Pathetic.

If the name controversy comes up, you need to ditch the Korean names straight up front. Compromise with a kick ass indian name (not that lame one she had) like Blackcloud or Bloodfoot or some other combination. Crazyhorse has been taken.

Submitted by Deconstruction at 2006-01-07 13:20:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Please make sure they dont turn out like me, and here's a two to fill the void that the sleepless nights and end of your life is going to create.

Submitted by MavisMing at 2006-01-07 12:44:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Bless you both.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2006-01-07 12:36:46 EST (#)
Rating: 0

An update/bad news.

We had a miscarriage earlier this week. Still not 100% sure why it happened, but my girlfriend is doing fine(physically)and though we were very heartbroken when it happened, we are getting better.

Thanks to those of you who wished us luck. And for the rest of you... yeah, well...

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-12-09 19:59:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ha ha your life is over

Submitted by EAZEDZT at 2005-12-09 19:09:14 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-09 08:25:42 (#)
Ranking: 2

"She is half Korean and half Native American. "

So, you're saying that her dad would take her fishing, and her mom would eat the bait?

_____

I have spittle on my monitor from this comment

Congrats Cali, I guess.

Submitted by scourge at 2005-12-09 15:05:28 EST (#)
Rating: -1

Changed my mind. This doesn't even deserve the fucking 1 I gave it. Kick that bitch in the stomach so the schools don't have to deal with the halfwit that is certain to spring from this Hell inspired union. You are a drag on the intellectual and cultural progress that mankind has managed to make thus far.

Go stick a shotgun in your mouth, pull the trigger and eat what comes out the end

Shlongy, he's in the military. Thats like welfare light. You're already paying his fucking salary.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-12-09 13:34:56 EST (#)
Rating: 0

So when shall I expect to see you and this dumb broad enlisted on our Welfare rolls?

Submitted by Zoidberg at 2005-12-09 13:28:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

well if it helps, the offspring of mixed race couplings are usually gorgeous so you got that to help him/her out

good luck

(and don't feel you have to marry the bitch just because you knocked her up. The last thing you need to do is to bring a child into a loveless marriage.)

Submitted by toni_tori at 2005-12-09 13:21:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2005-12-09 11:56:44 (#)
Ranking: 1

Submitted by toni_tori (user info) at 2005-12-09 09:45:06 (#)
Ranking: 2

Yep, your life is pretty much over. I wake up every morning and cry because I have to live through another day. But it also has its downside.

Give your kid a name that is hard to make fun of. My mom named me Amber and there is no possible way to rhyme that and sound clever.
===========================================
Unless the kid is ugly and they call her "Amburger"... I've seen it done before.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Holy fucking shit! Do I know you? Only my family calls me that. My sister calls me Ambutt.

Submitted by scourge at 2005-12-09 12:29:19 EST (#)
Rating: 1

You just learned how babies are made?

People like you should not reproduce. You are a decent write, but you come across as an absolute piece of shit.

If this post is true, the world is a worse place for you being in it.

+2 because you write well. -1 because I just plain don't fucking like you.

Submitted by bob at 2005-12-09 12:10:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sinna at 2005-12-09 12:05:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by stuckfix (user info) at 2005-12-09 08:32:39 (#)
Ranking: 2

My condolences on the loss of the rest of your life.

You're a braver man than I am, though, I would've run screaming for the hills, while you bought a new car. Sounds like you're handling it pretty well. Don't let your girlfriend name that kid, dads are the only ones who think about how a name can be construed into an insult.

Might I recommend Scott for a boy? Granted, I'm a little biased, but it's a hard one to make fun of too much. Except that "Scotty" rhymes with "Potty".

-----------------------------------

That's my surname. I got snot a lot. I went to school with some real intellectuals.

Submitted by erosion_rules at 2005-12-09 11:56:44 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by toni_tori (user info) at 2005-12-09 09:45:06 (#)
Ranking: 2

Yep, your life is pretty much over. I wake up every morning and cry because I have to live through another day. But it also has its downside.

Give your kid a name that is hard to make fun of. My mom named me Amber and there is no possible way to rhyme that and sound clever.
===========================================
Unless the kid is ugly and they call her "Amburger"... I've seen it done before.

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-12-09 11:00:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

are you convinced it yours?


I mean, I'm sure it is....congrats




Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-12-09 10:49:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congratulations. I'm truly happy for you.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-09 10:33:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-09 07:15:16 (#)
Ranking: 2

I like you for some reason, and that's fucking RARE on this site.

-------------------------
name method the godfather.

Submitted by leilani at 2005-12-09 10:26:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

congratulations..... I think?

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-09 10:22:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

well dude hey whenever it comes time to send the little brat to college, he'll have a million scholarships based on that gene pool. plus don't worry bout the asian dick, if she's half native it'll probably make up for it. um but i'd never know something like that...

Submitted by Short-n-Sweet at 2005-12-09 10:10:01 EST (#)
Rating: 0

"In the case of the mut child....you are NOT the father." -Maury

Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-09 09:57:18 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Sorry it wasn't at the optimal time for you to have a baby on the way, but congrats anyhow.

Don't worry, I seem to remember from school that the penos size is determined by the father's genetics.

Submitted by precision at 2005-12-09 09:50:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-09 08:25:42 (#)
Ranking: 2

"She is half Korean and half Native American. "

So, you're saying that her dad would take her fishing, and her mom would eat the bait?
=====================================

Poor kid is gonna be sooo screwed up it isn't even funny...ok, yeah, it is funny...

congrats

Submitted by toni_tori at 2005-12-09 09:45:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yep, your life is pretty much over. I wake up every morning and cry because I have to live through another day. But it also has its downside.

Give your kid a name that is hard to make fun of. My mom named me Amber and there is no possible way to rhyme that and sound clever.

Submitted by Maddog at 2005-12-09 09:42:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Life as you know it is almost over, so enjoy the next few months. Name it Oatmeal. It's an all-purpose name, and a good source of fiber.

Submitted by CHR15 at 2005-12-09 08:53:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I had a kid for a while. I'm not allowed to see him anymore. He wasn't really mine anyway, but it felt like he was since I was with the girl from a month pregnant. I wasn't ready for that responsibility back then and I'm still not.

Submitted by ghola at 2005-12-09 08:40:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HA

Submitted by Dreg at 2005-12-09 08:36:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Do not name your kid something which they will throw a y on at the end for a nickname for him. If a female the y rule is allowed.

Submitted by stuckfix at 2005-12-09 08:32:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

My condolences on the loss of the rest of your life.

You're a braver man than I am, though, I would've run screaming for the hills, while you bought a new car. Sounds like you're handling it pretty well. Don't let your girlfriend name that kid, dads are the only ones who think about how a name can be construed into an insult.

Might I recommend Scott for a boy? Granted, I'm a little biased, but it's a hard one to make fun of too much. Except that "Scotty" rhymes with "Potty".

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-12-09 08:25:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"She is half Korean and half Native American. "

So, you're saying that her dad would take her fishing, and her mom would eat the bait?

Submitted by Jimmo at 2005-12-09 07:28:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Congratulations, you were probably going to get round to it eventually anyway. Life's not over till you stop kicking. Berty and Wazron's comments are good and I would suggest reading some of the fatherhood posts on Uber.

But most of all don't go bothering Egyptian soldiers anymore.

Submitted by a_reader at 2005-12-09 07:23:30 EST (#)
Rating: 1

You are overlooking a very obvious choice in the naming of a child. It works for anyone, regardless of race or sex.


Name it Wazza.

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2005-12-09 07:20:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congratulations! Whatever the sex, call it Flying_Buttmonkey

Submitted by Method at 2005-12-09 07:15:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

oh and congrats and good luck, your life is over

Submitted by Method at 2005-12-09 07:15:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I like you for some reason, and that's fucking RARE on this site.

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-12-09 07:08:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Your friends have already laid out the best solutions.

Rusty coathanger or the steel capped boot.

Throw in the arsenic/strichnine combo for good measure too.

When that's done, may I suggest the home vasectomy kit to make sure it doesn't happen again; hedge scissors and an oily rag to make sure you don't bleed too much.

Don't thank me, buy me something.

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2005-12-09 07:05:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That was really funny. But if its a boy, for the love of GOD don't name him Bryce. I have lived my entire life like that, it is like the Johhny Cash song "A Boy Named Sue" he will never forgive you. Like 6 1/2 girls will think it's cute, the rest will try spelling it with weird letters and shit while pointing out it rhymes with 'rice' and your son's first words will be "great observation dipshit".

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-12-09 06:44:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good post.

Berty's comment was salient too.

Submitted by Magic_Monkey at 2005-12-09 06:15:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats , don't forget to get the kid his own Ubersite account in a few years

Submitted by sinna at 2005-12-09 06:01:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats mate.

You're such an old romantic Berty.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-09 05:10:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think you should quit your job. Get something where foreginers don't fire surface to air missiles at you. Perhaps a job in accounting or driving a van.

Although saying that my dad wasn't about when I grew up and, after getting to know him, I can say that that is probably a good thing. The same is probably true for you as well. Once they've finished combing Afghanistan and put all your bits of brain into a bag, your family will get a big payout. I think they made a movie about it, only it was a police officer and not a soldier.

That's rather harsh really. You've either got to grow up to become a responsible and loving father or you've got to die. I'm joking of course.

On a serious note, I've known a lot of young mothers and fathers who have failed their offspring and themselves. It's horrible, the shame it caused them. Rotted them away from the inside. The beer and partying they gave up their responsibility for just became a place to hide. Then they just dissapeared. I'd never see them out anymore, their friends didn't know what happened to them. Worse, they didn't seem to care. Makes you think.

Submitted by wazron at 2005-12-09 04:30:32 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Multiculturalism is fun, I enjoy it a lot.

Funny post, too.

Best of luck. And remember that beating your kids is fine, as long as they know what they're being beaten for, and why it deserves a beating. As a corollary: make sure that when you do beat your kids, it's for somethng that deserves a beating.

Cheers,

waz

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-12-09 04:28:56 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Well, it's official folks. I'm gonna be a father. Fuck me.
_______________________

Given the current state of events, haven't you gotten enough fucking?

Congrats on your, er...achievement.

Submitted by Avals at 2005-12-09 04:00:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You're going to be a terrible father.

This was funny though.

Submitted by PokeyPecker at 2005-12-09 03:19:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

*world hungEr

Submitted by PokeyPecker at 2005-12-09 03:18:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats dude. So you've got a cracker/savage/spic/gook in the oven. That's quite a combination. That kid should do no less than find a cure for overpopulation, world hungar, war, cancer and ugly people, by the time he's 11.

Good luck with all that.


Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it.

-- Homer Simpson
El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Homer