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Hey Doc. If your gonna finger my girlfriend, hook me up with some pills.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-12 04:44:08 EST
Rating: 1.72 on 29 ratings (29 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

So this morning my girlfriend noticed bleeding in a place that shouldn’t bleed for the next 9 months. Both of us, being unfamiliar with anything to do with pregnancy, rush to the hospital, only to be told we were going to have to wait for 2 hours.

You know you’re a sick individual when you get a kick out of a room full of people in pain. Across from us is a kid around 15 or 16, crying like a little baby with his broken arm. Obviously a skateboarding accident since he still had most of his gear on. A couple of chairs down was a middle aged woman with an ice pack over the left side of her face.

“Must have forgotten to make her husband breakfast” I think to myself.

I lean over to my girlfriend and say, “Hey, maybe both of the tests were wrong, and your just having your period REALLY late?”

“What the fuck? Are you serious?”

Hmmm... must have had a little too much excitement in my voice.

Fortunately, after only 20 minutes, we were able to see the doctor. We get in the elevator an go up to the 6th floor. There, the nurse leads us into an examining room, tells the girlfriend to put on a robe, and hop up on the table.

“Dr. Miller will be in to see you shortly.”

She changes, and I’m checking out the room. Posters of a fetus in its different stages. It’s like health class all over again. I walk over and mess around with a cut away model of a pregnant lady. I take out the fetus and start putting on a puppet show with it. I check out the table that she’s about to lay on. For some reason the stirrups make me laugh like a school girl.

The doctor starts to walk in, and I see that its a man. That’s when it hit me... I’m about to ‘allow’ another man to check out my girl’s holiest of holes. This makes me rather uneasy. But he’s a doctor, and I suppose it’s completely natural, right? He walks up and introduces himself.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Miller.”

Holy shit, he’s got the crazy eyes. You know, the kind that point off in different directions. I never know which one to look into, and it makes me feel even more uneasy.

“Hey, I’m Chris, and this is Denise.”

I automatically don’t like this guy. There was just something about him, I couldn’t place it. And it WASN’T the fact that he was about to probe my girlfriend. After a few minutes of asking totally irrelevant medical questions, he gets to work. She seems a little nervous, so I hold her hand.

“Hmmm, THATS interesting”, the doctor says.

“What? What’s interesting?” she asks.

“Well, I’ve never seen that shape shaved there before.”

We both look at each other as if saying “Is he fucking serious?”

After about a minute of him probing around in there, Denise starts squeezing my hand every few seconds, and moving around like she’s uneasy with something.

“Hey Doc”, I say, “I tweaked my knee a couple days ago playing basketball. Think you can hook it up with some Vicodin? I’ve got another game tonight, and the pain is fucking up my jumpshot.”

“What? No, I don’t prescribe that stuff.”

“Yeah. But you CAN, right? I mean, you guys can prescribe anything, am I right? Hey, maybe you can get me some oxycodone?”

Denise squeezes my hand and fidgets around again.

“NO! I am not going to prescribe you any painkillers. You’re not even my patient.”

“Maybe some cough syrup with extra codeine? Hell, just shoot some morphine into my thigh. That will get me by for a couple hours. Come on Doc, I’m fiendin’.”

He stands up, with a disgusted look on his face. He takes off his gloves and says, “I need to go get something, I’ll be right back.”

After he leaves the room, I look down at Denise and ask, “Are you okay? You seem a little uncomfortable.”

“Dude, he was fingering me.”

“Well, that’s his job. He’s just checking to make sure everything is alright.”

“No, I don’t think you understand. He was fingering me like YOU finger me. He was all over my G-Spot and everything.”

Well fuck me. Here I was, watching another guy practically molest my girlfriend. And you know the first thing that came to mind?

“He must be making a porno.”

“What? What the Hell are you talking about?”

“No, no, listen to me. I’ve seen this a few times on the internet. The doctor must have a web cam or something in here.”

I grab a chair and start searching up in the air vents, since that’s where I remember most of the cameras being in the videos I watched. I get down just as the doctor comes back in.
“So Doc, does anything seem to be wrong with her?”

“Well, everything seems to be normal, but I think I should go in for another look.”

“Um, thanks, but that won’t be necessary. I think we can take it from here. Go ahead and get dressed, Denise, we’re out of here.”

“Well, I really don’t think you guys should leave yet. There are still a few things I want to check out.”

“Oooh, I bet there is. Look, unless your gonna hook me up with some pills, we’re out of here.”

The doctor lets out a long sigh. “Fine, here.”

He takes out his pad and scribbles something down and hands it to me. I read it.

“800mg of Ibuprofen? What the hell is this?”

“That should help your knee a little. Stay off of it for a few days, and it should get better.”

“Gee, thanks for saving me a trip to Wal-Mart, Doc. And what the fuck do you know about a bad knee? Your just a ‘Pussy Poker’.”

We get out of there, but not before stopping by the pharmacy to pick up my candy. We are both relieved that everything is okay, and this is something that is somewhat common. This of course, we learned on Web MD... I figure its just as reliable as ‘Dr. Feelgood’ at the hospital.

And you all do me a favor. It you come across a video involving a tattooed white guy, and Asian with her feet up in stirrups, and a doctor that resembles Tom Selleck, please don’t watch it. Today I realized I don’t really like other guys looking at my girlfriend’s cooter








This is the result for 'Fetus Puppet' on google

fingerpuppet.jpg
fingerpuppet.jpg


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Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-12 16:39:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ok, i believe your gf. if he noticed her bush, then he wasn't all about the business down there. fucking kill him or something, at least register a complaint.

Submitted by leilani at 2005-12-12 16:29:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2005-12-12 16:28:14 (#)
Ranking: 2

If my chick could drag me to the fucking hospital on a weekend because she's bleeding from her fuckhole, I sure as shit ain't going in the room to watch another dude check out her giner.
____

now that is romance!!

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-12-12 16:28:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If my chick could drag me to the fucking hospital on a weekend because she's bleeding from her fuckhole, I sure as shit ain't going in the room to watch another dude check out her giner.

Submitted by Blinkish at 2005-12-12 16:16:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

And this is why I always insist on female doctors. They can think I'm an anal retentive bitch all they want, but no creepy old male is putting anything near my crotch!

Good luck with the baby, hope she was ok. Some bleeding is normal, but it's not a generally not a good thing.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2005-12-12 12:57:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is why I make sure my wife goes to a FEMALE ob-gyn. The exams are much more fun with two of them and one of me.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-12-12 11:14:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2005-12-12 06:44:43 (#)
Ranking: 2

I think you are funny.

Submitted by zoobie2000 at 2005-12-12 11:03:36 EST (#)
Rating: -1

"Your just a 'Pussy Poker'."

This is missing an apostrophe and the letter E. Can you spot where????

Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-12 10:02:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is why I go to a midwife.

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-12-12 09:46:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"He must be making a porno."

"What? What the Hell are you talking about?"

"No, no, listen to me. I've seen this a few times on the internet. The doctor must have a web cam or something in here."
__________________________________

Awesome reaction.

Submitted by MavisMing at 2005-12-12 09:40:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-12-12 09:24:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

god dammit. I knew I should have become a Dr.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-12 08:10:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You also shouldn't rummage in there like you're trying to find your keys. (You also shouldn't put your keys up there in the first place).
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Sometimes we're just curious about whats up there. Did you ever play that game where you name the different bits you can feel?

Submitted by Bellebrown at 2005-12-12 07:42:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I missed that issue in your post, and would like to say that fingering your girl like a "cunt doctor" (I can't spell it either) is not good.

Not good at all.

You also shouldn't rummage in there like you're trying to find your keys. (You also shouldn't put your keys up there in the first place).

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-12 07:31:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah man you really need to put more emotion into it. And while you're doing it, take off the white coat and stethescope. Cause that just isn't cool.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is if you don't warm it up first.

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2005-12-12 07:24:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 05:47:49 (#)
Ranking: 2

So what you're saying is, when you finger your girlfriend you do it like a gyna - gyno - gyny - cunt doctor?

Sweet, dude.

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Yeah man you really need to put more emotion into it. And while you're doing it, take off the white coat and stethescope. Cause that just isn't cool.

Submitted by Method at 2005-12-12 07:14:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I like you. Hell, you can come over my house and fuck my sister

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-12-12 06:51:56 EST (#)
Rating: 0

wasn't really feeling it. seemed over-contrived, and the grammar was terrible. you're your...come on. step your game up.


Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 05:47:49 (#)
Ranking: 2

So what you're saying is, when you finger your girlfriend you do it like a gyna - gyno - gyny - cunt doctor?

Sweet, dude.



ha!

Submitted by zakalwe at 2005-12-12 06:44:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think you are funny.

Submitted by Bellebrown at 2005-12-12 06:28:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

urgh... but lol

Submitted by Jimmo at 2005-12-12 06:06:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think when she made the fingering comment the game was up, she has had exams before and knew that it wasn't normal.

You should have taken his hand, snapped off the offending digit, take offending digit and ram it into his offending eye. Then moved him screaming into reception and stamped his offending mind to mush with your boot of righteousness!!!





Or just joke about it, whatever.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-12 05:53:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-12-12 05:47:49 (#)
Ranking: 2

So what you're saying is, when you finger your girlfriend you do it like a gyna - gyno - gyny - cunt doctor?

Sweet, dude.
-----------------------
Food for thought.

Submitted by Circe at 2005-12-12 05:47:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

So what you're saying is, when you finger your girlfriend you do it like a gyna - gyno - gyny - cunt doctor?

Sweet, dude.

Submitted by wardy at 2005-12-12 05:20:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

unless you're pregnant with flowers. then it's beautiful AND SMELLS GOOD!!!

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-12 05:15:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh well, tommorow will tell.

Bleeding like that is probably normal for pregnant women as pregnancy is an icky, horrible, messy business. Or so I've heard anyway.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-12 05:14:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I had a horrible thought. What if she's really worried the babies dead or something and deliberatly said those things to you about being fingered so you'd take her out of the situation and away from the fear?

I dare say it's not something she'd do normally but then I doubt stressing that she's got a corpse in her uturus is normal for her either.

Submitted by Dreg at 2005-12-12 05:13:30 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-12 05:11:25 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-12 04:54:53 (#)
Ranking: 2

I can't remember whether you're married to your woman or not so I'm going to refer to her as your 'life partner'. It's ace, it makes you sound like a gay couple.

Anyway, doesn't your life partner have a gynaecologist that she regurly sees? Oh well. I suppose this is one for the horde of Uber mums

=====================================================

Nah, we're not married. And yes, she does have a regular OBGYN, but seeing as how it was Sunday morning, and we were a little freaked, we headed to the hospital. We'll make an appointment with her tomorrow.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-12 04:54:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can't remember whether you're married to your woman or not so I'm going to refer to her as your 'life partner'. It's ace, it makes you sound like a gay couple.

Anyway, doesn't your life partner have a gynaecologist that she regurly sees? Oh well. I suppose this is one for the horde of Uber mums.

Submitted by sinna at 2005-12-12 04:52:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Dude, you should have broken crazy eye's jaw and been done with it. You could have hung around for a bit and nicked the pain killers he got.


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