Hey Doc. If your gonna finger my girlfriend, hook me up with some pills.Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-12 04:44:08 EST
Rating: 1.72 on 29 ratings (29 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
So this morning my girlfriend noticed bleeding in a place that shouldn’t bleed for the next 9 months. Both of us, being unfamiliar with anything to do with pregnancy, rush to the hospital, only to be told we were going to have to wait for 2 hours.
You know you’re a sick individual when you get a kick out of a room full of people in pain. Across from us is a kid around 15 or 16, crying like a little baby with his broken arm. Obviously a skateboarding accident since he still had most of his gear on. A couple of chairs down was a middle aged woman with an ice pack over the left side of her face.
“Must have forgotten to make her husband breakfast” I think to myself.
I lean over to my girlfriend and say, “Hey, maybe both of the tests were wrong, and your just having your period REALLY late?”
“What the fuck? Are you serious?”
Hmmm... must have had a little too much excitement in my voice.
Fortunately, after only 20 minutes, we were able to see the doctor. We get in the elevator an go up to the 6th floor. There, the nurse leads us into an examining room, tells the girlfriend to put on a robe, and hop up on the table.
“Dr. Miller will be in to see you shortly.”
She changes, and I’m checking out the room. Posters of a fetus in its different stages. It’s like health class all over again. I walk over and mess around with a cut away model of a pregnant lady. I take out the fetus and start putting on a puppet show with it. I check out the table that she’s about to lay on. For some reason the stirrups make me laugh like a school girl.
The doctor starts to walk in, and I see that its a man. That’s when it hit me... I’m about to ‘allow’ another man to check out my girl’s holiest of holes. This makes me rather uneasy. But he’s a doctor, and I suppose it’s completely natural, right? He walks up and introduces himself.
“Hello, I’m Dr. Miller.”
Holy shit, he’s got the crazy eyes. You know, the kind that point off in different directions. I never know which one to look into, and it makes me feel even more uneasy.
“Hey, I’m Chris, and this is Denise.”
I automatically don’t like this guy. There was just something about him, I couldn’t place it. And it WASN’T the fact that he was about to probe my girlfriend. After a few minutes of asking totally irrelevant medical questions, he gets to work. She seems a little nervous, so I hold her hand.
“Hmmm, THATS interesting”, the doctor says.
“What? What’s interesting?” she asks.
“Well, I’ve never seen that shape shaved there before.”
We both look at each other as if saying “Is he fucking serious?”
After about a minute of him probing around in there, Denise starts squeezing my hand every few seconds, and moving around like she’s uneasy with something.
“Hey Doc”, I say, “I tweaked my knee a couple days ago playing basketball. Think you can hook it up with some Vicodin? I’ve got another game tonight, and the pain is fucking up my jumpshot.”
“What? No, I don’t prescribe that stuff.”
“Yeah. But you CAN, right? I mean, you guys can prescribe anything, am I right? Hey, maybe you can get me some oxycodone?”
Denise squeezes my hand and fidgets around again.
“NO! I am not going to prescribe you any painkillers. You’re not even my patient.”
“Maybe some cough syrup with extra codeine? Hell, just shoot some morphine into my thigh. That will get me by for a couple hours. Come on Doc, I’m fiendin’.”
He stands up, with a disgusted look on his face. He takes off his gloves and says, “I need to go get something, I’ll be right back.”
After he leaves the room, I look down at Denise and ask, “Are you okay? You seem a little uncomfortable.”
“Dude, he was fingering me.”
“Well, that’s his job. He’s just checking to make sure everything is alright.”
“No, I don’t think you understand. He was fingering me like YOU finger me. He was all over my G-Spot and everything.”
Well fuck me. Here I was, watching another guy practically molest my girlfriend. And you know the first thing that came to mind?
“He must be making a porno.”
“What? What the Hell are you talking about?”
“No, no, listen to me. I’ve seen this a few times on the internet. The doctor must have a web cam or something in here.”
I grab a chair and start searching up in the air vents, since that’s where I remember most of the cameras being in the videos I watched. I get down just as the doctor comes back in.
“So Doc, does anything seem to be wrong with her?”
“Well, everything seems to be normal, but I think I should go in for another look.”
“Um, thanks, but that won’t be necessary. I think we can take it from here. Go ahead and get dressed, Denise, we’re out of here.”
“Well, I really don’t think you guys should leave yet. There are still a few things I want to check out.”
“Oooh, I bet there is. Look, unless your gonna hook me up with some pills, we’re out of here.”
The doctor lets out a long sigh. “Fine, here.”
He takes out his pad and scribbles something down and hands it to me. I read it.
“800mg of Ibuprofen? What the hell is this?”
“That should help your knee a little. Stay off of it for a few days, and it should get better.”
“Gee, thanks for saving me a trip to Wal-Mart, Doc. And what the fuck do you know about a bad knee? Your just a ‘Pussy Poker’.”
We get out of there, but not before stopping by the pharmacy to pick up my candy. We are both relieved that everything is okay, and this is something that is somewhat common. This of course, we learned on Web MD... I figure its just as reliable as ‘Dr. Feelgood’ at the hospital.
And you all do me a favor. It you come across a video involving a tattooed white guy, and Asian with her feet up in stirrups, and a doctor that resembles Tom Selleck, please don’t watch it. Today I realized I don’t really like other guys looking at my girlfriend’s cooter
This is the result for 'Fetus Puppet' on google