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CAPTAIN THORNS IS A FAT PIECE OF SHIT
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Baking Cookies with a Porn Star

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-14 01:24:08 EST
Rating: 1.88 on 34 ratings (34 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

So I’m chatting with my old friend Vince on AIM today. After a couple minutes of bullshitting, the following conversation takes place:

Dirty_Mexican: Hey, I got some great pics to show you.
Cracked_out_Cali: Okay, lets see them.

He proceeds to send me 3 porno pictures. It’s the same Mexican chick in all of them.

DM: Pretty strange, huh?

He goes ahead and sends a couple more.

DM: Isn’t that crazy?
COC: What’s so strange about them?
DM: Take a close look and tell me you can’t figure it out.

I go over all the pictures. Well, she didn’t seem to have a sixth finger or toe. Two boobs, check. Doesn’t have a dick. The only thing I was able to notice is the guy’s dick was kind of small by porn standards.

COC: Sorry dude, I’m just not catching it. What’s up?
DM: Man, it’s Mary Sanchez. We went to school with her. She goes by Jasmine Byrne now. Anyways, just thought I’d share. I’m out of here.

Mary Sanchez? I just couldn’t put a face to the name. I go into the garage and dig up my senior yearbook and take a look. Sure enough, there she was, an innocent little sophomore. We had Home Ec together that year. We had paired up for a few projects, mainly because she was one of those over-achievers, and I just didn’t give a shit. We were a great team. She started trying to get closer to me as the class went on, but I kindly declined because I was with someone at the time. Well, that, and the fact that I was 18 and she 15. At the time I thought it was the right thing to do... now I kick myself in the ass for it.

I did a little Google search for Jasmine Byrne and ended up at
(nsfw) http://www.searchextreme.com/actordetails/Jasmine_Byrne/23063406841/ (nsfw)

Wow, she’s been a busy little beaver. (Pun intended) The site also made me realize how ridiculous porno titles are. These are my Top Ten favorites by her:

- 10 Man Cum Slam
-Anal Expedition
-Ass Attack
-Assault that Ass
-Cum Fart Cocktails
-I’m a Big Girl Now
-Max Blacc 2 : Disturbing the Spanish Pussy
-O Ring Blowout
-No Cum Dodging Allowed
And my personal favorite

-Taco Shop 2


So I go ahead and download one of her movies. “My Sister’s Hot Friend”, to be exact. I open it up and start watching. You know, I figured it would be a little awkward watching this. I mean, the last time I saw her, she was a quite little highschool girl. She wasn’t very social, but was a real sweetheart.

But what do ya know? Before I knew it, my pants where around my ankles, and I was beating my dick like it owed me money. Wow Mary, you sure know what your doing. You’ve made me proud.

I have to be honest with you though. Afterwards, I felt a little...disappointed. I mean, I could have been hitting that 5 years ago, waaay before it had been tainted.

Live and learn, I suppose.



















They sure do grow up quick, don't they?


mary_jasmine.jpg
mary_jasmine.jpg


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Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2006-09-08 06:05:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jasmine_Byrne

WTF? Someone actually linked this post on a Wikipedia article?

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-12-14 19:42:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-12-14 16:39:59 (#)
Ranking: 2

Kinda makes for an interesting class reunion, dont ya think...

Submitted by precision at 2005-12-14 16:39:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Kinda makes for an interesting class reunion, dont ya think...

Submitted by DrSeussman at 2005-12-14 14:49:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Plus 2 because you did the right thing, -2 cause you missed the fuck out man! WOW!

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2005-12-14 12:39:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If you met her now you could always just have her act like she used to in high school and fulfill a number of fantasies at once.




Or you could use her, kill her, and stuff her in the trunk of your enemy's car.

Submitted by mtgn37 at 2005-12-14 12:13:25 EST (#)
Rating: 1

would you rather have the 15 year old virgin or the 20 something whore?

Submitted by HillBoyJr at 2005-12-14 11:12:01 EST (#)
Rating: 1

+1 cause i think you read Mulgrew "beating my dick like it owed me money"

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Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2005-12-14 05:17:28 (#)
Ranking: 2

Just goes to show... bang 'em while you've got a chance! *wink*

this confused me though, my name is Walker and i saw it and thought weird, i didn't post yet....

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-14 10:02:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ya know i checked that with the id archives... and he's right. what a hoot eh?

Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-14 09:51:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Now I know what I'm getting my husband for Xmas!!! Thanks CrackedoutCali! Really, thanks. He loves teh Latin wimmins, and I hate the pornos he has, the chicks look pretty skanky. She actually looks like something I could floss my cat to. Thanks again.

Submitted by kuzi16 at 2005-12-14 09:48:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I’m still waiting for my "angel is the centerfold" experience. I’m pretty sure I know who it will be… she was nice

Submitted by littledan at 2005-12-14 09:24:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Dude, she was fuckin' hot back then too!

Submitted by Jimmo at 2005-12-14 09:20:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome post.

Submitted by NotSteve at 2005-12-14 09:20:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm sure her parents are proud.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-12-14 08:47:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I know a person that just like that. It kind of freaked me out when I was sitting in the motor pool and a guy that I went to school with hops in my truck with a Hustler, folded open, and is like "Dude, isn't that...?"

Submitted by One4TheRoad at 2005-12-14 08:46:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Aw, these hometown-girl-makes-good stories always warm my heart.

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2005-12-14 08:36:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I had a similar experience in highschool. In freshman year this girl who I had been friends with for years wanted to go out with me. She was nice and all but I declined. Then over 4 years she got rack AND back. Senior year she is the hottest fucking thing in school, and I totally could have been banging that. Oh well. You are right, live and learn.

Submitted by Tom Sorrell at 2005-12-14 08:33:29 EST (#)
Rating: 1

1. I'm actually Peter North.
2. Ok, that's a lie, but if I were in "The Industry," my name would be Arlington Longkack.
3. I call Shenanigans on this post.
4. That girl's face looks like a skunk's ass.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2005-12-14 06:17:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Taco Shop 2? Pah.

'1 in the Pink, 1 in the Stink'

Submitted by Hsibaf at 2005-12-14 05:51:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That's so awesome.

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-12-14 05:41:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is a cool story.

Seems the young lass has had some facial panel beating work done, no?

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-12-14 05:39:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

What the hell man, if they're coming at you...

Submitted by Walker at 2005-12-14 05:17:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Just goes to show... bang 'em while you've got a chance! *wink*

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-12-14 05:09:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 05:05:17 (#)
Ranking: 2

They get bruises on the insides of their thighs though from the poles. (not Polacks)
-----------
You learn something new everyday.
---
Very true. I think what's most distressing is that they get paid more than some of our staff. Same as life models, that is a really easy gig. You get like £10 to sit there naked and have fine art students draw you.

Though I know one of the life drawing teachers insists that you draw 'the todgers' first. He finds the person most uncomfortable with the naked men and sits them opposite while pointing at the aforementioned genitalia.

Though I met one of the female life models and she was really bonny.

It's the luck of the draw (excuse the pun) - sometimes you get a stunning 19 year old, other times you get Horace, the old man with hair down his back and a wrinkled dick.

Them's the breaks.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-14 05:05:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

They get bruises on the insides of their thighs though from the poles. (not Polacks)
-----------
You learn something new everyday.

Submitted by hairycoo at 2005-12-14 04:55:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-12-14 04:53:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:47:36 (#)
Ranking: 2

Yeah? Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

Are they pretty students? 'Cause if they're at a strip club and you're a teacher I think you're ok you know?
---
Some of them, yeah. The fashion students tend to rock pretty hard, and the photographers are cool.

The golden rule is 'if they're under 18 - you're not allowed to look down their top - either at work, or out of it.'

They get bruises on the insides of their thighs though from the poles. (not Polacks)

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-14 04:47:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah? Well, that doesn't sound so bad.

Are they pretty students? 'Cause if they're at a strip club and you're a teacher I think you're ok you know?

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-12-14 04:35:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-14 04:02:01 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-14 02:05:04 (#)
Ranking: 2

this very thing happened to me.
--------
Yeah but you went to Arts College. You kind of expect it there.
---
True. The strip club round the corner seems to employ our students as we enrol them.

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-14 04:02:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-14 02:05:04 (#)
Ranking: 2

this very thing happened to me.
--------
Yeah but you went to Arts College. You kind of expect it there.

Submitted by soccer at 2005-12-14 02:50:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-14 02:05:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

this very thing happened to me.

Submitted by DooZa at 2005-12-14 01:37:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Dee-zamn!

Submitted by jagmcmanus at 2005-12-14 01:34:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Man I would be kickin myself as well
you should really get in touch with her, I mean touch her, I mean touch yourself while watching her (again)

Submitted by celine at 2005-12-14 01:28:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

1 in the pink, 1 in the stink.

Golden.


I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a
spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart the Genius