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Just accept it. You're not a virgin after having gay buttsex

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-15 09:23:58 EST
Rating: 1.66 on 50 ratings (50 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Last night, my baby momma’s friend Janet had invited us over for dinner. It was to celebrate the whole ‘her getting knocked up’ thing.

Janet is a really nice girl. She has a great personality, wonderful people skills, and is an all around joy to be with. As for her looks... well, just take another glance at the previous statement. You should get the idea.

Still not getting it? Okay, fine.

She’s a bit of a wildebeest. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the poster child of Svelteness. My fat ass is 240 lbs (109 kg for the nice, non-American Ubers). However, I stand 6-foot-5 (195.5 cm...again for those who use that wacky metric system) and can run 2 miles (...) in about 13 minutes. Janet weighs about twice as much as she should. She’s a bit of a hunchback. And her eyes...don’t get me started on the eyes. They bulge out a bit. Not unsimilar to a pug’s, and the right one tends to be a bit lazy.

But I digress.

After dinner, we congregate to the living room for some drinks. Well, Janet has some drinks. In my ongoing moral support of my girl’s pregnancy, I have quit smoking and drinking. My nicotine withdrawals is my excuse for the following spell of ‘assholeness’.

Within 30 minutes, Janet had nearly finished off a full bottle of red wine. She looks at us from across the coffee table and says,

“You guys look so perfect together. I am so happy for you guys.” This was shortly followed by sudden and inexplicably hysterical crying.

Denise rushes over and joins her on the other couch.

“Oh, honey. What’s the matter?”

“It’s just that I see you guys together. Always happy and smiling. And I have never experienced that. And I don’t think I ever will.”

This is my cue to get the fuck up out of there. I remember a half pack of smokes in my trunk, and they were beckoning to me. Their conversation continues as I get up.

“Come on Janet, you’re overreacting. You are such a wonderful person and there are plenty of guys out there who would love to be with you.”

“Really Denise? Then how come I’m 22 years old and still a virgin?”

<This surprises me a bit. I would assume there has been one person desperate/drunk enough to hit that>

“I thought you told me you’ve had sex before. Last year with some guy you met at the mall?”

“Well, that wasn’t entirely true. You see, it was with Scotty, and it was in the butt.”

WHOA! Hold up... It was time for me to intervene.

Me: “You had butt sex with Scotty?”

Denise: “Chris...”

Janet: “Yeah, we did it a couple times last year”

Me: “Yeah, but I thought your friend Scotty was... you know... a fag.”

D: “CHRIS...”

J: “Yeah he’s gay. But what does that have to do with it? He’s a nice guy.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, he’s definitely a cool guy. But I’m saying you had anal with a gay guy... don’t you find that a little weird?”

D: “No, Chris... Why would there be something wrong with THAT?” (She’s getting pretty riled up... I love it)

Me: “So, Janet. You were able to sexually arouse a guy that is only attracted to other men?”

J: “Are you saying I look like a man?” More hysterical crying.

Me: “That’s not what I said. (Implied? Yes.) I guess he was just doing a friend a favor.”

*Hysterical crying is reaching a near-psychotic level*

Me: “Well, look on the bright side. You’re not a virgin.”

J: “What do you mean? Of course I am.”

Me: “Look. Deny it if you want, but you have had sex. Albeit in the ass, it was sex nonetheless. Granted, the presence of your hymen proves you’re a virgin. But that proof, in YOUR case, has just been thrown out the window. Breaking your hymen doesn’t make you a non-virgin, getting porked does. And in your case, it was in the ass by a gay man.”

Well, I guess that pushed her over the edge. She got up and ran to her bedroom. Denise follows her, but not before slapping me in the chest and calling me an asshole.

The rest of the night was spent with me outside, smoking the rest of my cigarettes. It was a silent ride home, and a very uncomfortable night’s sleep on the couch...

I didn’t know guys had to sleep on the couch in real life, I thought that only happens on T.V.

And no, I’m not pussy whipped. Normally, I would be like “Bitch! YOU sleep on the couch!”

But you know...the baby and all...yeah, that’s it...





















Moments before she tried to devour my girlfriend.




bleh.jpg
bleh.jpg


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Submitted by Mike-Mc at 2007-02-16 10:35:18 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Id bone your girlfreind muhahaha

Submitted by nahnoneofit at 2005-12-18 07:02:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

this was funny and all but posting a picture of the behemoth was prolly taking it too far.

yknow?

Submitted by supadupapupa at 2005-12-16 02:16:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hehehe,

Wow, I would love to say that to some of the fatties...

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-12-15 21:00:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I don't think anyone could get drunk enough to hit that.

As far as sleeping on the couch goes, if she moved in with you, you can tell HER where to sleep. Don't let women take advantage of what happens to their body (i.e., hormones, pregnancy), because you just know they will.

Submitted by williamson at 2005-12-15 20:52:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

<insert witty homphobic/obesophobic comment here>

Submitted by Spooner at 2005-12-15 20:41:28 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-15 18:47:32 (#)
Ranking: 2

Janet looks a LOT like Rosie O'Donnell - I'll bet that has something to do with this all...


---


Actually I was thinking "fat Terri Schiavo."

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-15 20:20:14 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-15 18:47:32 (#)
Ranking: 2

Janet looks a LOT like Rosie O'Donnell - I'll bet that has something to do with this all...
==================================================================

THANK YOU!!! It's been bugging the hell out of me for the longest time. I just couldnt put my finger on it...

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-12-15 18:47:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Janet looks a LOT like Rosie O'Donnell - I'll bet that has something to do with this all...

Submitted by AlexorGM at 2005-12-15 16:40:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAHA

Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2005-12-15 14:59:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wow.

On a side note, if she was mad why did you have to sleep on the couch? I say if she's mad and doesn't want to sleep in the bed with you, hand her a pillow.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-12-15 14:37:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'd do your girlfriend. She looks like Lucy Liu.

Good story

Submitted by Required_Reading at 2005-12-15 14:19:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

very funny

your girlfriend is quite fuckable.

good luck with the coming kid

Submitted by coocoocachoo at 2005-12-15 14:05:44 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Funny +2
"I digress" makes it a +1

Submitted by Badlands at 2005-12-15 13:32:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You sure the guy didn't go gay AFTER he fucked her?

Submitted by windowsrcold at 2005-12-15 13:31:46 EST (#)
Rating: 0

If that picture is accurate then I don't see why she's a virgin? I've known some chicks that are way larger, uglier and dirtier than this girl looks and they all are either married or have some guy stuck on them that won't leave them alone. Where the hell do you live that she gets no play? Your chicks alright looking I guess if thats her in the pic.

Your post was funny though, and yes getting butt fucked is still losing your virginity but thats pretty foul to have your anal virginity taken by a hard up homo....lol Poor girl. She'll get some one day.

Submitted by FartSmeller at 2005-12-15 13:30:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Let me just pick my jaw back up off the floor here...

Submitted by MavisMing at 2005-12-15 13:28:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'd like to plus 2 the guy for whome the "Im gay" ruse lead to anal.

still a fucking nonse mind.

Submitted by NotSteve at 2005-12-15 13:22:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I never thought I would have sympathy for a gay dude, but damn, he should have known better.

On a side note; Can you imagine that you're a woman, and the first time you have intercourse, a gay dude fucks you in the ass? No first love emotions. Nothing. That has to be the most depressing memory in that poor girl's conscience. Fuck, I'd rather be raped. At least then I would have a story almost worth teling.

Good post.

Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-15 13:07:15 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:40:50 (#)
Ranking: 0


Yes, I've been meaning to have a talk with her about that...
===================
You do that, and you'll be missing your dick, my friend. Pregger ladies don't enjoy teh fat jokes.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2005-12-15 12:40:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by Berty at 2005-12-15 11:23:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:40:50 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:11:52 (#)
Ranking: 2

Your girlfriend doesn't look exactly Kate Moss sized to me. That extra thirty pounds isn't supposed to show up until a few months into the pregnancy, not a few weeks.

=================================================================

Yes, I've been meaning to have a talk with her about that...
--------------------
I'd say "For the love of God, don't do it!" but you won't listen to me.

Normally I'd be with the other detractors but you're a military man, you guys are all like this. It's not as if the people around you didn't know that and already accept you for it.

You see? The 'he joined the army, why should I be upset if a syrian shot his nuts off?' thing works based ways.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-12-15 11:10:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

amusing.

i once slept on the couch.

i had spewed in her hair though so even I thought it was reasonable.

Submitted by sinna at 2005-12-15 11:04:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by malkavian (user info) at 2005-12-15 11:01:42 (#)
Ranking: -2

If you're fat yourself, kindly shut the fuck up.

I can't stand fat guys judging women on their weight and belittling them for that.

I blame those gigantic-assed rappers getting all the supermodels in their videos. Makes men think they all deserve Kate Moss....

Get real.

(on a side note it was a funny post)

----------

Pork

Submitted by malkavian at 2005-12-15 11:01:42 EST (#)
Rating: -2

If you're fat yourself, kindly shut the fuck up.

I can't stand fat guys judging women on their weight and belittling them for that.

I blame those gigantic-assed rappers getting all the supermodels in their videos. Makes men think they all deserve Kate Moss....

Get real.

(on a side note it was a funny post)

Submitted by Dreg at 2005-12-15 10:54:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Y Halo Thar ButtSeCkS

Submitted by stuckfix at 2005-12-15 10:44:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You did the right thing. As far as the couch, who pays for your stuff? If you do, then if she has a problem, put her ass on the couch. Your house.

Submitted by sinna at 2005-12-15 10:44:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'd poke her...




































...in the lazy eye, with a fucking great stick.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-15 10:40:50 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:11:52 (#)
Ranking: 2

Your girlfriend doesn't look exactly Kate Moss sized to me. That extra thirty pounds isn't supposed to show up until a few months into the pregnancy, not a few weeks.

=================================================================

Yes, I've been meaning to have a talk with her about that...

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-12-15 10:21:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:12:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:47:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

Porking fat girls in the butt is so much more gross then porking regular girls in the butt.


ewwww
---------------------

only cause they have a hard time wiping thies ass right. yeah, thats it. its not the 2000lbs of extra lard. its the poop stuck to her ass hair.

-----------------------------

Hahaha, I think it is a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B


I am going to go throw up now.

Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-15 10:15:58 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2005-12-15 10:12:37 (#)
Ranking: 2


only cause they have a hard time wiping thies ass right. yeah, thats it. its not the 2000lbs of extra lard. its the poop stuck to her ass hair.
===================================================
Now, that was fucking nasty, even for me.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-12-15 10:14:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"I have quit smoking and drinking. My nicotine withdrawals is my excuse for the following spell of 'assholeness'. "

One word: Skoal. It kept me from going on murderous rampages when I quit smoking.



Submitted by Ejryuu at 2005-12-15 10:12:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's way too early to be laughing that hard at buttsex.

Submitted by Spuds002 at 2005-12-15 10:12:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:47:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

Porking fat girls in the butt is so much more gross then porking regular girls in the butt.


ewwww
---------------------

only cause they have a hard time wiping thies ass right. yeah, thats it. its not the 2000lbs of extra lard. its the poop stuck to her ass hair.

Submitted by scourge at 2005-12-15 10:11:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Your girlfriend doesn't look exactly Kate Moss sized to me. That extra thirty pounds isn't supposed to show up until a few months into the pregnancy, not a few weeks.

I get pissed when I read your posts, Cracked_out_Method. Your ability to tell a story is pretty damn good, but you seem like a dickhead. I mean, I'm not the nicest guy in the world myself, but...ah fuck it.



Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-15 10:11:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:47:17 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:40:10 (#)
Ranking: 2

Does that mean that even if I've fucked 1 billion guys with my poonaner, I'm still a virgin because I've never taken it up the pooper? Excellent.

========================================================

No, it means that you've been a very bad girlfriend/wife.
=====================================================================
But, it was all before the age of 12. I wasn't married then.

Submitted by Mike00295 at 2005-12-15 10:09:29 EST (#)
Rating: 1

You had a +2 until I realized you did in fact say "but I digress."

That's a HUGE bitch.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2005-12-15 10:01:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Method at 2005-12-15 09:57:40 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Good stuff

Submitted by RamJetMax at 2005-12-15 09:47:48 EST (#)
Rating: 0

+2 for an awesome post
auto -2 for using "But I digress."

Submitted by Pentameter at 2005-12-15 09:47:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That guy must have had a long dick to stab through that ass.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-15 09:47:17 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2005-12-15 09:40:10 (#)
Ranking: 2

Does that mean that even if I've fucked 1 billion guys with my poonaner, I'm still a virgin because I've never taken it up the pooper? Excellent.

========================================================

No, it means that you've been a very bad girlfriend/wife.

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-12-15 09:47:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Porking fat girls in the butt is so much more gross then porking regular girls in the butt.


ewwww

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-12-15 09:45:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"getting porked"

Excellent

Submitted by Hsibaf at 2005-12-15 09:44:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Safety whale.

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2005-12-15 09:42:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Anytime a mans penis, even when deeply inbedded in someones colon, enters their body, they are not a virgin. But this was priceless. We have all had fat/ugly/stupid people who have sexual experiences like that we HAVE to point out.

Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-15 09:40:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Does that mean that even if I've fucked 1 billion guys with my poonaner, I'm still a virgin because I've never taken it up the pooper? Excellent.

Buttsecks with a gay guy is pretty bad. Methinks he was bi.

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-12-15 09:36:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Your girl has killer eyes. I could release a wad of spunk just by staring at 'em for long enough.

The wilderbeest on the other hand? Not so much.

Oh, and nicotine withdrawl? Bah!

I periodically have take a medication with steroids in it. You should see the fireworks after I've been taking that for a few days!

Submitted by Fabit at 2005-12-15 09:31:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good times.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-12-15 09:29:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

My heart goes out to Janet. She's got a tough row to hoe.

Funny story.

Submitted by leilani at 2005-12-15 09:28:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

your gf is teh hott.

the story was pretty damned funny!


Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the
right -- no, the duty -- to make a complete ass of myself.

-- Homer Simpson
Dancin' Homer