Just accept it. You're not a virgin after having gay buttsexSubmitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-15 09:23:58 EST
Rating: 1.66 on 50 ratings (50 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Last night, my baby momma’s friend Janet had invited us over for dinner. It was to celebrate the whole ‘her getting knocked up’ thing.
Janet is a really nice girl. She has a great personality, wonderful people skills, and is an all around joy to be with. As for her looks... well, just take another glance at the previous statement. You should get the idea.
Still not getting it? Okay, fine.
She’s a bit of a wildebeest. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the poster child of Svelteness. My fat ass is 240 lbs (109 kg for the nice, non-American Ubers). However, I stand 6-foot-5 (195.5 cm...again for those who use that wacky metric system) and can run 2 miles (...) in about 13 minutes. Janet weighs about twice as much as she should. She’s a bit of a hunchback. And her eyes...don’t get me started on the eyes. They bulge out a bit. Not unsimilar to a pug’s, and the right one tends to be a bit lazy.
But I digress.
After dinner, we congregate to the living room for some drinks. Well, Janet has some drinks. In my ongoing moral support of my girl’s pregnancy, I have quit smoking and drinking. My nicotine withdrawals is my excuse for the following spell of ‘assholeness’.
Within 30 minutes, Janet had nearly finished off a full bottle of red wine. She looks at us from across the coffee table and says,
“You guys look so perfect together. I am so happy for you guys.” This was shortly followed by sudden and inexplicably hysterical crying.
Denise rushes over and joins her on the other couch.
“Oh, honey. What’s the matter?”
“It’s just that I see you guys together. Always happy and smiling. And I have never experienced that. And I don’t think I ever will.”
This is my cue to get the fuck up out of there. I remember a half pack of smokes in my trunk, and they were beckoning to me. Their conversation continues as I get up.
“Come on Janet, you’re overreacting. You are such a wonderful person and there are plenty of guys out there who would love to be with you.”
“Really Denise? Then how come I’m 22 years old and still a virgin?”
<This surprises me a bit. I would assume there has been one person desperate/drunk enough to hit that>
“I thought you told me you’ve had sex before. Last year with some guy you met at the mall?”
“Well, that wasn’t entirely true. You see, it was with Scotty, and it was in the butt.”
WHOA! Hold up... It was time for me to intervene.
Me: “You had butt sex with Scotty?”
Janet: “Yeah, we did it a couple times last year”
Me: “Yeah, but I thought your friend Scotty was... you know... a fag.”
J: “Yeah he’s gay. But what does that have to do with it? He’s a nice guy.”
Me: “Oh, yeah, he’s definitely a cool guy. But I’m saying you had anal with a gay guy... don’t you find that a little weird?”
D: “No, Chris... Why would there be something wrong with THAT?” (She’s getting pretty riled up... I love it)
Me: “So, Janet. You were able to sexually arouse a guy that is only attracted to other men?”
J: “Are you saying I look like a man?” More hysterical crying.
Me: “That’s not what I said. (Implied? Yes.) I guess he was just doing a friend a favor.”
*Hysterical crying is reaching a near-psychotic level*
Me: “Well, look on the bright side. You’re not a virgin.”
J: “What do you mean? Of course I am.”
Me: “Look. Deny it if you want, but you have had sex. Albeit in the ass, it was sex nonetheless. Granted, the presence of your hymen proves you’re a virgin. But that proof, in YOUR case, has just been thrown out the window. Breaking your hymen doesn’t make you a non-virgin, getting porked does. And in your case, it was in the ass by a gay man.”
Well, I guess that pushed her over the edge. She got up and ran to her bedroom. Denise follows her, but not before slapping me in the chest and calling me an asshole.
The rest of the night was spent with me outside, smoking the rest of my cigarettes. It was a silent ride home, and a very uncomfortable night’s sleep on the couch...
I didn’t know guys had to sleep on the couch in real life, I thought that only happens on T.V.
And no, I’m not pussy whipped. Normally, I would be like “Bitch! YOU sleep on the couch!”
But you know...the baby and all...yeah, that’s it...
Moments before she tried to devour my girlfriend.