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"Suck my fat one, you cheap dime store hood"…and other things I’ve told my gynecologist.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-22 15:12:30 EST
Rating: 1.77 on 78 ratings (78 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

You know how awkward it is to be up on a table with your legs akimbo—your day riding on what a balding Asian man will have to say when he pops up, turns off his coal mining hat, and gives you the low down on your low down. It’s like waiting for someone to hand you a Christmas present, and imaging how many different ways it will try to bite your tit off when you pull off the bow.

Most women have normal worries when they get checked up, like cancer and vagina froth, but I worry about impossible things—like being told my cervix is shrinking, or that my hymen grew back. Remember that Twilight Zone episode with the pig faces? I have nightmares about it—about pig nurses surrounding my bed and making “tut, tut” noises. When I ask what’s the problem, they pull up their dresses and squeal, “it’s supposed to look like this,” revealing cauliflower vaginas shaped like inverted horseshoes. It’s then when I wake up screaming. Each time I expect to see the devil sitting at the foot of my bed, chiding, “Where is your god now?”

The root of my paranoia would have to be my grandmother. When I was 16, my mother decided to take me to me for my first appointment for with a OB-GYN. It wasn’t that I was sexually active; it was that all my friends were. She figured that sooner or later I’d say, “What the hell,” and join in a massive orgy. My grandmother, on the other hand, was totally against it. She thought that gynecology was nothing but an excuse for perverts to get their fill of female genitalia. Along with vivid descriptions of stretching and friction, she made all sorts of wild gestures and facial contortions. I’ve been fucked up ever since.

During winter break for college (I think it was 2002), I went to my doctor for a refill on my birth control. I’d rather do without the exam, but it’s my deal with the devil: one year of pills for 15 minutes of anxiety. Of course, there’s some soreness afterwards, but I always tell people I spent the day at a dude ranch and chuckle when they invariably bring up Ted and Melody. What a tragic couple…

Anyway, the day of my appointment I was more nervous than usual. After my checkup, I had a meeting with my current boss—the man who was recruiting me for my first job out of college. At the time, it felt like my whole future. Considering I still work there, it is. I kept flashing from images of speculums, to handshakes, to slips of paper with dollar signs, to bigger speculums. By the time they called my name I was totally wound up. I could have sprinted and performed a back flip onto the exam table. Instead, I started getting chatty.

“Hi doc, how’s it going, great weather, do you think it will rain tomorrow, you can’t trust the weathermen you know…”

I’m sure he was used to people being nervous, but I was off the wall. The doc kept nodding and checking my file; I kept talking and looking around the room like a caged animal. Before I knew it, I was on the table with my legs in the stirrups. I didn’t even know how I got there. It was somewhere between the weather and the escaped monkey molester that was making his way up the coast. I tried to get it together. I started focusing on the wall

“So Ally, how is school?”

I blinked. What is the fuck is school? Who is Ally?

“Er…fine.”

He coughed. “Getting lots of Aces?”

He must have meant A’s. I don’t know; what I do know is that it triggered a memory for “Stand by Me,” one of my all time favorite movies. I started giggling.

“Shoot everyone...? No Ace, just you.”

I felt the doc pause.“What?”

“It’s a quote from ‘Stand by Me.’”

“Oh.”

He got quiet, but I found something to grab on to and my brain would let go. With the doc in the position, he was in and my weird mental state, I couldn’t help myself.

I deepened my voice. “Sick balls, Chopper!”

It seemed like the funniest thing in the world because I had no balls.

The doc tried to laugh. “I never saw that movie.”

“You’re kidding. It’s a classic. It has Keifer Sutherland, Corey Feldman, Wil Wheaton…”

“Oh, maybe I did see that…which one was Whiton?

“Wheaton! Oh my God. He was badass. He was the kid who performed the greatest train dodge ever!”

He laughed. “Sorry, not ringing any bells.”

"He played Gordie Lachance, he wanted to be a writer…remember?”

“No, it just isn’t…”

“Come on! He had tons of memorable lines.”

“Like?”

“‘SUCK MY FAT ONE, YOU CHEAP DIME STORE HOOD!’”

He popped up looking startled. I quickly realized I had yelled it and the people in the waiting room might have heard me. My mind was still a little screwy so I shouted at the wall.

“It’s OK, we’re talking about Wil Wheaton!”

The doc quickly took his gloves off. “I think we’re done Ally. Everything looks fine. Here your script.” He wrote it quickly and dropped it on my chest. I was still lying on the table.

“Ok, doc…so I can go?” Normally we talk in his office following the exam.

“Yes.” He started rubbing his head. “I’ll go and let you get dressed.”

He nervously grabbed the file and walked into his office.

After getting myself together, I walked out the opposite door and into the waiting room. I got some looks as people glanced up from their questionnaires and magazines. I smiled and plucked the collar of my shirt up. They quickly looked away, but it made me laugh. On the way out, I wanted to shout some more quotes, but I realized I did enough damage. I saved them for my meeting with my boss, who happened to be a huge fan of “Stand By Me.”

Shit yeah.
















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Reviews


Submitted by TigerLilly at 2016-04-05 21:48:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Loren at 2015-01-22 14:48:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I am going to read all of your submissions. Girl, you are cracking me up. I think I might love you.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-02-01 19:01:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:07:09 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by alliecat (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:57:07 (#)
Ranking: 0

I don't know what kind of fucked up dr you see, but I always have a nurse present during exams!

==========================================================

Hmmm, now that you mention it, it is strange. And why does he always want to take my temperature rectally? I need to ask some serious questions next time.
-----
never mind that, watch for the guy who wants to take your temp orally.......with his penos.

Submitted by MavisMing at 2006-02-01 08:11:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Auto stand by me plus 2

Submitted by thecaes at 2006-02-01 07:34:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Vagina froth? What the hell is that, when your vagina gets rabies or something?

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2006-01-29 12:25:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Why did he write you a script? Do you have teh herp, or does he think you're crazy when people touch you down there?

Submitted by KatHunter at 2006-01-29 11:28:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 because it ruled.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-12-26 18:44:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That picture kicks all amounts of ass...

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-12-26 10:51:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That is one funny pic...

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2005-12-26 10:44:00 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by shandythedog at 2005-12-25 03:25:04 EST (#)
Rating: 0

this made me laugh out loud, which would earn a plus 2, but being the Uber Bad Boy my rating powers have been neutered by evil bart.

Submitted by Vulva at 2005-12-25 03:10:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Lay back and put your feet in the stirrups. This may be a little cold, and you are going to feel a pinch. I am going to touch you now, let me know if you feel uncomfortable....














I am a freelance gynocologitst!

Submitted by William_Q_Percy at 2005-12-25 02:19:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Stand By Me is my favourite movie of all time.

Submitted by Deconstruction at 2005-12-24 14:03:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Kickass

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-23 17:49:25 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2005-12-23 06:28:55 (#)
Ranking: 2

Hey Dude was an awful fucking show. I was a 'Salute Your Shorts' kid.

And I have to +2 anyone who can merge Stand By Me with a gyno-exam.

===========================================================

Blasphemer! SYS was garbage compared to "Hey Dude." Donkeylips was annoying and Budnick deserved to be castrated for his obnoxious attitude (though it appears that he was a prominent voice actor for my favorite late 80s/early 90s cartoons [http://imdb.com/name/nm0177528/]).





And LadyPlural, I find that a kick to the face helps remind the Doc to Miagi his hands.

Submitted by kissmyarse at 2005-12-23 11:42:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Most women have normal worries when they get checked up, like cancer and vagina froth...


---

Muahhh hahaha. As for the having a nurse in the room, I agree it's more comfortable. However when I was pregnant I saw literally...5 doctors through the process and the one that didn't have a nurse in the room totally wigged me out.

Submitted by firefly at 2005-12-23 11:28:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2005-12-23 09:54:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+ fucking 2

Submitted by Nator at 2005-12-23 09:00:03 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Is that that gaylord Wesley from Star Trek?

Submitted by Kent_Weirdo at 2005-12-23 06:41:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm suddenly reminded of something: When I was in the fourth grade, I played soccer (badly) sometimes, and this shithead named MATT FOCKHAERT (google) kept picking up the ball and running to the opposing goal. I let it slide when he grabbed the ball out from under me before I could kick it, resulting in a Charlie Brown-style mud-dive (auugghhh!), but when he mocked my (lack of) sweet goalie skills, I ran over to him. I tackled that son of a bitch, choked him, and called him a "cheap dime-store hood".

Eh. I was in the fourth grade. The concept of WIT didn't exist in those days.

He was also a fan of Stand by Me. I wonder if he ever watched it after that...

Submitted by Kent_Weirdo at 2005-12-23 06:28:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hey Dude was an awful fucking show. I was a 'Salute Your Shorts' kid.

And I have to +2 anyone who can merge Stand By Me with a gyno-exam.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2005-12-23 06:16:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for scaring complete strangers

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-12-23 06:09:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

On reflection - better than a +1

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2005-12-23 06:05:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well written.

And that pic...

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-12-23 04:38:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good stuff. Any post with some humour and vaginal undertones is fine by me.






Did I just say "vaginal undertones".


Can I say that? Fuck, it's 9.30am and already I want this day to be finished. Holiday time for me bitches!

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2005-12-23 04:25:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Whil Wheaton is bad ass!

More Big Whilly goodness: http://www.ubersite.com/m/61720

Submitted by pandora at 2005-12-23 03:20:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome from start to finish.

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2005-12-23 01:41:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The thing I hate the most about OB-GYN visits are the cold hands. I swear to god that they must like, put their hands in ice water directly before coming in to get all up in one's girly bits. Both of the doctors who I've had were like that.



I'm feeling cold just thinking about it.

Submitted by knucklesnelson at 2005-12-22 23:06:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2005-12-22 22:56:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I pity OB-GYNs. Sure, every now and again they're bound to see some absolutely top-shelf matchbox, but for every one of those pretties there HAS to be a heap of stop-a-clock ugly meatflaps.

This was fantastic. Good show, you.

Submitted by ghola at 2005-12-22 22:17:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Comment

Submitted by Siren at 2005-12-22 22:11:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Most excellent, btw.

Submitted by Siren at 2005-12-22 22:10:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh my god, you said vagina froth.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-12-22 22:06:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by precision (user info) at 2005-12-22 18:56:38 (#)
Ranking: 2

funny story...somebody somewhere thinks that sweater was a good idea...that person drinks alot

_________________


wait a minute...isn't that a pic of Wil Wheaton?

Submitted by Yams at 2005-12-22 21:58:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yay!

Submitted by coley at 2005-12-22 20:51:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

But I would have made babies with Chris Chambers.
Too bad he died.
And wasn't real.
Or whatever.

Submitted by coley at 2005-12-22 20:51:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

STAND BY ME IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER

I used to live where it was filmed..but I didn't know that til I moved there.
My landlord lived in Teddy DuChamp's house.

I got in trouble in seventh grade because my friend and I were passing notes with quotes from that movie on it..mine got intercepted on "SUCK MY FAT ONE, YOU CHEAP DIME STORE HOOD"

Goddamn I love that movie.

Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart at 2005-12-22 19:18:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by RePet at 2005-12-22 19:11:12 EST (#)
Rating: 0

"funny story...somebody somewhere thinks that sweater was a good idea...that person drinks alot"

---------------

I'd buy it.

Submitted by precision at 2005-12-22 18:56:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

funny story...somebody somewhere thinks that sweater was a good idea...that person drinks alot

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2005-12-22 18:05:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Biggest one in four counties.

Submitted by Ferretnose at 2005-12-22 18:05:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hey, at least it wasn't "A complete and total... barf-o-rama."

Submitted by Unabonger at 2005-12-22 17:36:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

awesome.



BUTTSECKS?

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-12-22 17:14:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think it would be funny if the next time you go in for one of these exams, you pull a meg ryan and fake an orgasm while he is working on you

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-22 17:11:59 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-22 17:00:02 (#)
Ranking: 2

I wonder what will would have gotten if he had one the bet he apparently lost.

===================================================================

He explained it here:

http://wilwheaton.typepad.com/wwdnbackup/2005/12/if_you_want_to_.html

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-22 17:07:09 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by alliecat (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:57:07 (#)
Ranking: 0

I don't know what kind of fucked up dr you see, but I always have a nurse present during exams!

==========================================================

Hmmm, now that you mention it, it is strange. And why does he always want to take my temperature rectally? I need to ask some serious questions next time.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-22 17:04:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by alliecat (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:57:07 (#)
Ranking: 0

I don't know what kind of fucked up dr you see, but I always have a nurse present during exams!

=================

you probably want the right to vote next, you uppity bitch.


get back in the kitchen and make me a sammich

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-12-22 17:00:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I wonder what will would have gotten if he had one the bet he apparently lost.

Submitted by alliecat at 2005-12-22 16:57:07 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I don't know what kind of fucked up dr you see, but I always have a nurse present during exams!

Submitted by EatMeCompletely at 2005-12-22 16:46:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's like you were calling your hood a cheap dime store- oh nevermind.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-12-22 16:28:10 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 16:25:45 (#)
Ranking: 0

Rad I was a Wheaton maniac growing up. I was heartbroken when he died in "Toy Soldiers" and I stopped watching TNG for a month when the writers made him do that illegal star maneuver.

For one, he could do anything. They proved that when he turned into an alien in his final episode. For another, Wesley was too smart to get mixed up with assholes like those schoolmates.
---
*shakes head sadly*

I thought he was a fairly poor actor in star trek. He seemed to alternatively endanger the ship or rescue it with one of his inventions.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-22 16:25:45 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Rad I was a Wheaton maniac growing up. I was heartbroken when he died in "Toy Soldiers" and I stopped watching TNG for a month when the writers made him do that illegal star maneuver.

For one, he could do anything. They proved that when he turned into an alien in his final episode. For another, Wesley was too smart to get mixed up with assholes like those schoolmates.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-22 16:10:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You know how awkward it is to be up on a table with your legs akimbo

=======================


no. not awkward at all.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-22 16:10:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:59:15 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:51:00 (#)
Ranking: 1

Will Wheaton is a cunt.

========================================================

I'd have his little Crushers any day.


----------------


NERD



N

E

R

D


N TO THE E TO TEH R TO TEH DIZZLE

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-22 16:05:35 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:58:53 (#)
Ranking: 2

...

And, your Gran and my Gran must have went to the same Everything-Relating-To-Vagies-Is-A-Dirty-No-No University.

Mine thought that speculums "gave young ladies naughty ideas."

===============================================================

HAHAHA

*Nodding head*

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-22 15:59:15 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:51:00 (#)
Ranking: 1

Will Wheaton is a cunt.

========================================================

I'd have his little Crushers any day.

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2005-12-22 15:58:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yup, I can relate to this. Another fun activity to do whilst in the stirrups is to ask your Doc (if your Doc is a male); "So, do you ENJOY being an OB-GYN?" This is tricky for them because if they're quick to answer 'yes' then it almost makes them seem like a pervert. They know this and will squirm around the question.

And, your Gran and my Gran must have went to the same Everything-Relating-To-Vagies-Is-A-Dirty-No-No University.

Mine thought that speculums "gave young ladies naughty ideas."

Submitted by RamJetMax at 2005-12-22 15:58:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Walker at 2005-12-22 15:55:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Witty indeed!

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-22 15:54:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-22 15:36:58 (#)
Ranking: 1

"Suck my fat one"???? Wait a second...you have a penis?

I think you're seeing the wrong Doctor, toots.

====================================================

Toots? How dare you? No one has called me that since I spent that summer in 1925. As for my fat one, well, what can I say? I guess I ate too many hot dogs as a kid. :P

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2005-12-22 15:51:00 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Will Wheaton is a cunt.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-12-22 15:36:58 EST (#)
Rating: 1

"Suck my fat one"???? Wait a second...you have a penis?

I think you're seeing the wrong Doctor, toots.

Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2005-12-22 15:32:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Maybe it's the lack of sleep, but that was funny. I have respect for any woman who can crack jokes while (and about) any exam involving stir ups.

Oh, and Stand by Me is a good flick.

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-12-22 15:32:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AND BAJINERS!!!!

Submitted by indoninja at 2005-12-22 15:32:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hey Dude and wil Wheaton!!!!

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-12-22 15:32:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by the_thorne at 2005-12-22 15:31:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The OBGYN obviously had to leave in a hurry so that people would see him not sucking your fat one.

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-12-22 15:31:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Someone find me AAE. That chick needs to knit me that exact sweater. No. Fuck that. I need five of them.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-12-22 15:30:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-22 15:25:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahahaha nice. btw your hymen CAN grow back, so have sex every day to make sure it doesn't.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2005-12-22 15:25:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-12-22 15:22:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

entertaining. moderately funny, moderately vaginaish, and it had Hey Dude.

what a show

Submitted by simple_catalyst at 2005-12-22 15:20:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

posh.

Submitted by Bayley at 2005-12-22 15:18:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 for "legs akimbo"

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2005-12-22 15:18:54 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by m0ke34 at 2005-12-22 15:17:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahahhahaha.

Also love the Hey Dude reference I think I saw in there.

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-12-22 15:17:40 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I got the same sweater in my closet

Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-22 15:16:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ha ha, I'd rape that guy in the sweater.

Try a midwife, it is a better experience.


I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me! No matter
how dumb my suggestions are.

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy