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Uber Poo

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 13:31:00 EST
Rating: 0.73 on 66 ratings (66 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Friends of Uber:

Let us cut to the chase. I wouldn't want you wasting my time, so I'm not gonna waste yours...

I want your poo.

There it is. As plain as I know how to say it. I'm not even gonna attempt to sugarcoat it...because sugarcoating poo is just crazy. No, I want pure, unadorned, unadulterated poo here. No frills. No cheap imitations. And none of that sawdust stuff that is supposed to make it easier to sweep up.

So here's the deal. It occurs to me that we really don't know much about each other's personal lives. The best we have right now is TigerLilly's TMI series, and that still doesn't allow for the kind of intimate knowledge that a little poo could provide. I want each and every one of you to squeeze out a nice log of your bestest poo into a self-addressed, stamped envelope and send it to:

ETS RE:Uberpoo Post
1450 Glenview Dr.
Evansville, IN. 47715

After receiving all the poo, I will personally analyse it using the time-tested 'smell' method, and will check its texture and other factors, which will, at length, give me some sort of indication of what you're like as a person. Do you exercise enough? What kind of diet are you on? Are you overstressed? Do you snore? All these things will be told me through the magical tarot of the poo. When all the analysis is completed, I will photograph each individual poo sample and create a post detailing my findings.

You don't have to tell me how big this post is gonna be. I already know.

This is going to be the biggest thing since Circe's UberBoobs post, only with less boobs and more poo. Speaking of which, I've already spoken to Circe via the miracle of instant message and she has heartily agreed to contribute a sample to the cause. She might deny it fervently on this post at a later time, but that's only because she is, as we all know, very shy about her poo. But that's part of what this exercise is all about...learning to be comfortable with our poo.

FilthyAssistant has also generously agreed to lend her poo to the cause just to get things started.

Too often, we just brush our poo aside, or flush it away without really ever stopping to consider what we can LEARN from it...what it can tell us about ourselves! Everytime we flush an innocent poo without truly listening to it, an angel loses its wings. You don't want to be party to that anymore. Send me your poo.





Sincerely,

electrictoothsyndrome



"An unexamined poo is not worth shitting." - Henry David Thoreau


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Reviews


Submitted by munkeypants at 2006-01-01 02:22:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sorry but I can't bear to part with my poo.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-12-29 12:53:10 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Instead of sending poo, save your money and go to Vegas with the UberCrew!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81666

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-12-29 12:48:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The best thing about this post is some of the horrified responses.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-12-29 12:25:05 EST (#)
Rating: -2

I'd like to personally deliver a big bag of dogshit to you, if that'll help.

Submitted by SilvrWolf at 2005-12-29 12:11:02 EST (#)
Rating: 1

You've lost it. I don't what caused it, but this is just plain strange, man.

Wait... you didn't actually eat that fish I sent you, did you? 'Cause that could be the problem. It was supposed to be decorative.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-29 10:16:14 EST (#)
Rating: 0

It warms my heart to see some of the people who have vowed to send their poo.

I will be checking my mail frequently, alive in the possibility that behind that thin, metal, letterbox door could be my first sample of raw uber poo.

I'm so excited.

Submitted by hairycoo at 2005-12-29 07:15:13 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I suggest that you pull all the UberPoo into a blender and then remould it into one giant 30 foot poo.

you could win the turner prize.

Submitted by Dreg at 2005-12-29 02:51:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-12-29 01:51:51 (#)
Ranking: 2

drunk +2

Submitted by Playboy at 2005-12-29 02:19:08 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Arse

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-12-29 02:00:20 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Jesus Christ.

Whose address is that? If it's someone else's, they're not going to own up to it.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 23:45:17 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-12-28 20:50:09 (#)
Ranking: 1

And today..hey wait..SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE?

------------------

Ok ok...you got me.

Better to INCLUDE a self-addressed stamped envelope so I can refund your shipping costs in a timely manner.

Submitted by Hsibaf at 2005-12-28 22:58:10 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Is that an ex-girlfriend's address? I'll send 20 pounds of my feces by Saturday if it is.

Submitted by Stin at 2005-12-28 22:23:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

POOP!!!

Dude, you've lost it. I mean, completely and utterly.

Don't eat all your "gifts" at once, ok?

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2005-12-28 20:50:09 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Yesterday, I would have been hard pressed to imagine an ETS Uber request I would not be more than happy to fulfill.

And today..hey wait..SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE?

Submitted by Sassmasterr at 2005-12-28 20:05:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i don't poop.

i just sweat a lot.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2005-12-28 19:57:31 EST (#)
Rating: -2

trite

Submitted by Feijuada at 2005-12-28 19:52:34 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Sorry, I already took a shit today.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-12-28 19:52:03 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Alright, keep an eye out for some Tiger Poo. I 'dropped' some in the mail today.

Submitted by Drone_of_Industry at 2005-12-28 19:46:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I wonder if Nick will be into this when he picks up the mail. hehe.

Submitted by Clark_Kent at 2005-12-28 18:53:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I totally agree. Same thing happened here http://www.ubersite.com/m/81643

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 17:45:17 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2005-12-28 16:58:04 (#)
Ranking: 2

This is either satire at its most obtuse or weirdness at its most absurd.

--------------------

Can't it just simply be that I'm a pioneer in the field of fecology?

Such a pioneer, in fact, that I am inventing the field as we speak?



I should have known no one would understand.

Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude at 2005-12-28 17:40:43 EST (#)
Rating: 1

ok I overnighted mine there yesterday, surely you've received it... I await my character analysis

Submitted by Girlwithaclue at 2005-12-28 17:15:20 EST (#)
Rating: -2

WTF.........

Submitted by psychabillyjean at 2005-12-28 17:08:33 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I need a guarantee from your people that said poo will not be used in any illegal or potentially liable activities. DNA is now extracted from fecal matter, and I do not wish to be involved in any harassment.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2005-12-28 17:05:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The hell?

Submitted by mikethescottish at 2005-12-28 16:58:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is either satire at its most obtuse or weirdness at its most absurd. But +2 for having the balls to post what appears to be your real address with it.

Submitted by ubetidid at 2005-12-28 16:12:02 EST (#)
Rating: 1

you uber people scare me sometimes. but i keep coming back for more.

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-12-28 15:55:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you're a fucking mentalist. Good luck.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 14:53:08 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Lyn, don't be shy about your poo. Rejoice in it!

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 14:51:37 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Circe: Does that mean you won't be sending your poo now? :(

Tim: That's my address. Shore 'nuf.






Submitted by Circe at 2005-12-28 14:41:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well now, I do believe my exact words were "You're a crazy person and I don't want to talk to you any more" and "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP" and "No. Go away, I'm too pretty to associate with you."

Only you could find hearty agreement in that.

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2005-12-28 14:38:50 EST (#)
Rating: 1

hm.

who's address is that?


www.fecalgram.com


if you convince me it's your own, i will shit in a tupperwear and mail it.

Submitted by Vulva at 2005-12-28 14:22:51 EST (#)
Rating: 1

"Ha haha, he called the shit...poop!

~Adam Sandler

Submitted by SkinnyKenny at 2005-12-28 14:14:23 EST (#)
Rating: 1

My grandpa used to say: "You can put frosting on a turd, but you've still just got a sugar coated piece of shit."

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 14:06:41 EST (#)
Rating: 0

And may you both have long and happy shits from this day forth.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 14:06:08 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Bless you both.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2005-12-28 14:05:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2


I just wrote a long sequence in which a big, muscular dyke babe put some violent moves on another, less willing girl.

Hottie VS hottie.

There was much rending of clothing and many jutting nipples.

Then I trashed the sequence and tried to get back into a serious story mindset when I saw this.

I laughed so hard I shit.

The chunk is in the mail.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2005-12-28 14:04:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I just dropped a zip lock bag full of liquid Chalupas and Jagermeister from yesterday into the mail.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 14:04:05 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-28 14:01:19 (#)
Ranking: 2

I poop strawberry ice cream. For real. I do. I really do.

-----------------------

Strawberry ice cream just doesnt look the same coming out the other end. It's like...all the happiness is gone.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-12-28 14:01:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I poop strawberry ice cream. For real. I do. I really do.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-28 13:59:58 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I actually did draw it. If anyone wants a copy, send me an email.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 13:56:52 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:55:15 (#)
Ranking: 1

Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:48:22 (#)
Ranking: 0

I would also just like to add here, and you really should know this by now, girls don't poop

===========================================================

Absolutely right. Real women crap sunshine and apple blossoms.

*takes a look at drawing*

...for the most part. :P

------------------------------

Not all kindergartens can afford real art supplies.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-28 13:55:15 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:48:22 (#)
Ranking: 0

I would also just like to add here, and you really should know this by now, girls don't poop

===========================================================

Absolutely right. Real women crap sunshine and apple blossoms.

*takes a look at drawing*

...for the most part. :P

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 13:53:22 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:48:22 (#)
Ranking: 0

I would also just like to add here, and you really should know this by now, girls don't poop.

----------------------

That must get extremely uncomfortable after a while.

And it explains a lot about women.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 13:52:17 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Konerak (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:47:20 (#)
Ranking: 1

Actually, the address should be:

Poocollecters
3023 N. Clark St. #610
Chicago, IL 60657

Go find your own website if you want peoples poo!

-----------------------

Don't listen to this man. That's not my address. If you send it there, I can't guarantee I'll get it...unless I just happen to be there, but I don't think I will be...in a while, at least.



Neither is:

1600 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington D.C. 20500

That's not my address either. Whatever you do, don't send any samples there.

Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-28 13:51:19 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:48:22 (#)
Ranking: 0

I would also just like to add here, and you really should know this by now, girls don't poop
==================
I have to respectfully disagree, Tiger. At least in my case. I shit like a champ, 2-3 times per day. I'm very regular.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-28 13:49:49 EST (#)
Rating: 0

yeah just like we don't far we "poof."

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-12-28 13:48:22 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I would also just like to add here, and you really should know this by now, girls don't poop.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-28 13:47:51 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Honestly, I wouldn't mind, but I'd hate for the package to be flagged as a terrorist bioweapon and have to deal with the Feds and poo chemists.

Submitted by Konerak at 2005-12-28 13:47:20 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Actually, the address should be:

Poocollecters
3023 N. Clark St. #610
Chicago, IL 60657

Go find your own website if you want peoples poo!

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 13:47:10 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:33:42 (#)
Ranking: -2

This is shit. Collect this post.

--------------------

Okaaaaaay... Does this mean you'll be sending your poo?

Submitted by PokeyPecker at 2005-12-28 13:47:06 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I gave at the office.

Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-28 13:46:41 EST (#)
Rating: 0

You have nothing better to do in Indiana? Maybe you should build a meth lab.

I'm cooking up one for you right now...and I ate a Larabar for bfast this AM, so it will come out edible if you get hungry.

Submitted by Teephphah at 2005-12-28 13:45:32 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Frankly, I'm surprised that Shandy hasn't thought of this already.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 13:44:32 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Oh yea, that reminds me...

You will be fully reimbursed for shipping upon receipt of the sample.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2005-12-28 13:42:12 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Take your lithium dude

Submitted by el_em_en_oh at 2005-12-28 13:41:32 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:36:04 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:33:42 (#)
Ranking: -2

This is shit. Collect this post.
---------------
that was great.
---------------
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2005-12-28 13:41:08 EST (#)
Rating: 0

"FilthyAssistant has also generously agreed to lend her poo to the cause just to get things started."

You better reimburse me on the postage dude - I couldn't fit it in anything smaller than a suitcase.

I've named it 'Behemoth'

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 13:40:32 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Ally, that won't be good enough, and it would make a mockery of this process.

Just a small sample is really all I ask. It doesn't have to be the whole log.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2005-12-28 13:39:09 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I'll draw a picture of my shit and send it to you. Is that acceptable?

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 13:36:08 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:35:06 (#)
Ranking: 0

I really hope that isn't your real address. If it is, you could be in for an unpleasant surprise.

---------------------

Why the hell would I not give my real address? That would be stoopid!

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-28 13:36:04 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-28 13:33:42 (#)
Ranking: -2

This is shit. Collect this post.
---------------
that was great.

Submitted by Hadley at 2005-12-28 13:35:06 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I really hope that isn't your real address. If it is, you could be in for an unpleasant surprise.

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-12-28 13:34:24 EST (#)
Rating: 0

As those hip youngsters on the internet say: ???

Submitted by Shlongy at 2005-12-28 13:33:42 EST (#)
Rating: -2

This is shit. Collect this post.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-12-28 13:32:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ok, I just puked in my mouth a little bit.


Boy, I don't know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.

-- Homer Simpson
Selma's Choice