Uber PooSubmitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-28 13:31:00 EST
Rating: 0.73 on 66 ratings (66 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Friends of Uber:
Let us cut to the chase. I wouldn't want you wasting my time, so I'm not gonna waste yours...
I want your poo.
There it is. As plain as I know how to say it. I'm not even gonna attempt to sugarcoat it...because sugarcoating poo is just crazy. No, I want pure, unadorned, unadulterated poo here. No frills. No cheap imitations. And none of that sawdust stuff that is supposed to make it easier to sweep up.
So here's the deal. It occurs to me that we really don't know much about each other's personal lives. The best we have right now is TigerLilly's TMI series, and that still doesn't allow for the kind of intimate knowledge that a little poo could provide. I want each and every one of you to squeeze out a nice log of your bestest poo into a self-addressed, stamped envelope and send it to:
ETS RE:Uberpoo Post
1450 Glenview Dr.
Evansville, IN. 47715
After receiving all the poo, I will personally analyse it using the time-tested 'smell' method, and will check its texture and other factors, which will, at length, give me some sort of indication of what you're like as a person. Do you exercise enough? What kind of diet are you on? Are you overstressed? Do you snore? All these things will be told me through the magical tarot of the poo. When all the analysis is completed, I will photograph each individual poo sample and create a post detailing my findings.
You don't have to tell me how big this post is gonna be. I already know.
This is going to be the biggest thing since Circe's UberBoobs post, only with less boobs and more poo. Speaking of which, I've already spoken to Circe via the miracle of instant message and she has heartily agreed to contribute a sample to the cause. She might deny it fervently on this post at a later time, but that's only because she is, as we all know, very shy about her poo. But that's part of what this exercise is all about...learning to be comfortable with our poo.
FilthyAssistant has also generously agreed to lend her poo to the cause just to get things started.
Too often, we just brush our poo aside, or flush it away without really ever stopping to consider what we can LEARN from it...what it can tell us about ourselves! Everytime we flush an innocent poo without truly listening to it, an angel loses its wings. You don't want to be party to that anymore. Send me your poo.
"An unexamined poo is not worth shitting." - Henry David Thoreau