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Vintage Porn, and its Fucked Up Plot Twists (NSFW)

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-29 20:48:05 EST
Rating: 1.96 on 91 ratings (91 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I consider myself to be quite the connoisseur when it comes to porn. Sure, I have a girlfriend whom I find absolutely stunning, and she is never hesitant to take care of my needs. But men love porn, and to deny them that pleasure is near inhuman.

When it comes to my collection... I have it all. Asian, interracial, BBW, and yes, even that Japanimation stuff with the tentacles.

I don’t necessarily get off on all of it, but I feel if you are to be well known about a subject, you should study and observe all of its aspects.

A few days ago, I came across some vintage porn. This genre was a bit alien to me. After downloading numerous movies, I realized a few things...

1) Europe had the porn industry on lock down back in the day.

2) Vintage porn follows the same flow as modern porn

... actually, that’s about all I learned. Oh, and vintage porn has the ability to shock the fuck out of you.

I am about to share one such film with you. It is pre-WWII and French. I have no idea what the subtitles mean, and to be honest with you, I don’t really want to know.

So, without delay, here is the glory that is vintage French pornography...

fuckingfrench.jpg
fuckingfrench.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by crazynewt at 2009-11-05 23:53:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

suprise
butt
sex!

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2009-03-10 13:00:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i remember this. it's still hilarious.

Submitted by Sidivan at 2009-03-10 12:41:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ya know, I saw the ghey buttsecks coming. You can just tell by the way he's looking at him in the previous frame. I DID NOT see the rusty trombone FROM THE GUY coming. That's more twisted than the shit that I watch today!

Submitted by shadow at 2009-03-10 12:13:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Vintage.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2009-03-10 11:50:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rubbermaid at 2009-03-10 10:04:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This one was a gem.

Submitted by Cakes at 2007-02-27 00:27:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ih8u2man at 2006-10-03 14:02:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

YIKESq!

Submitted by the_lone_stranger at 2006-01-08 23:47:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ALL ABOARD THE ANAL TRAIN!! WOO WOO!

Submitted by Ditka at 2006-01-08 22:18:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

blimey

Submitted by Technoboy at 2006-01-03 09:36:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

What
The
Fuck?

Submitted by Micky_Ficky at 2006-01-03 07:28:19 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I didn't know grandma ever worked.

Submitted by Draqus at 2006-01-01 09:48:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well, that was wrong.

Submitted by missflibble at 2006-01-01 08:34:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

that rocks!!!

the vintage french porn i have starts off with a maid cleaning a room with an early vacuum, then she hitches her skirt and starts rubbing the vacuum all over her fuzzy ladybits. the master of the house comes in and theres a frame which basicaly translates as "you shouldn't use the vacuum for that purpose, here try some proper equipment" , she starts sucking him off. his wife comes in and starts playing with the maid. the boke then takes both of them, one at a time. the one not being shagged just kind of sits there playing with her nipples.

I love vintage porn.

hell, I just love porn.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-01-01 08:13:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"and the lord better keep his damn mouth shut"


funny

bitch mouth would ahve been funnier.


Submitted by williamson at 2006-01-01 07:49:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Good fucking lord...

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-31 04:47:17 EST (#)
Rating: 0

You people do realize that because of the response to this post, I'm going to have to do a series of them...

...and will fail miserably at it.

Submitted by Banga3386 at 2005-12-31 04:26:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This would be teh awesomer if I had some movie-rag time music to listen to while watching this, complete the experience. Maybe a flash version?

The bang

Submitted by rad1101 at 2005-12-31 02:22:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I see nothing wrong with this porno.

Submitted by FannyGrady at 2005-12-31 02:11:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by a_reader at 2005-12-31 00:18:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-29 21:17:47 (#)
Ranking: 2

I liked the part about the porn.

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2005-12-31 00:11:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AAAAAAAAAAAHhhhhhhhh!

This post is so creapy I think it scared me straight!

DAMN YOU TOO HELL!!!

Submitted by NerfHerder at 2005-12-30 23:33:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky at 2005-12-30 18:48:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

the award for best alter of the year goes to....

Submitted by SkinnyKenny at 2005-12-30 18:19:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Asians are the best. My hat's off to you for putting so much effort into studying your subject. It's important to be well informed on your subject matter.

Submitted by Drone_of_Industry at 2005-12-30 16:01:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i love gay buttsex as long as I don't have to actually do it

Submitted by Tormencha at 2005-12-30 16:00:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is the best fucking way to end such a shitty year!

Bravo...you porker!

Submitted by PoTtY at 2005-12-30 14:31:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This is going to be part of classic Uber lorn.

Submitted by Xcuses at 2005-12-30 14:11:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

great work

Submitted by firefly at 2005-12-30 13:49:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DCWoody at 2005-12-30 13:14:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Thats Lucky Harry in English Jonny.


wow capital ltters.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2005-12-30 12:28:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

btw, the guy in the middle is referred to as 'Lucky Pierre', in case you're keeping score at home...

Submitted by ruthless at 2005-12-30 12:23:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ahahahhahhaa!

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2005-12-30 12:11:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fantastic

Submitted by refusenik at 2005-12-30 11:30:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Priceless

Submitted by BobLobla at 2005-12-30 11:24:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHAHAHA

Submitted by Hsibaf at 2005-12-30 10:22:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by FALLEN at 2005-12-30 10:03:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

still laughing, don't ever do that again.

Submitted by Zol at 2005-12-30 09:57:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck.ing Awesome. Wow. I thought DP, then..huh. HUH, whats that? Oh, GOD no nooo.

Submitted by MistressFist at 2005-12-30 09:51:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ha ha, ATM!!!!!! The sweetest taboo.

Submitted by FartSmeller at 2005-12-30 09:15:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Rough.

Submitted by Avals at 2005-12-30 08:58:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Submitted by ubetidid at 2005-12-30 08:49:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-12-30 07:42:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

There is about a 20% chance she is sitting in a nursing home right now.

Submitted by thorpe at 2005-12-30 07:36:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The presentation of this could not have been done better.

If this wasn't NSFW, it would be a shoe-in for B@W.

Submitted by Method at 2005-12-30 07:29:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2005-12-30 06:10:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was great!

Submitted by ozzy at 2005-12-30 05:10:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AHAHAHAHAHA!!

Submitted by Merlina at 2005-12-30 04:38:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Hairsphincter at 2005-12-30 04:36:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

As they say in French - Fuque.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2005-12-30 04:22:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Normally T&A posts are boring and repetitive, but your work on the title cards gives this a +2.

Submitted by c1ndy at 2005-12-30 04:12:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wow. thanks for watching that so we don't need to.

Submitted by The_Cyst_Master at 2005-12-30 03:31:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

When the guy starts to finger bang the chick, it seriously looks like she's a corpse, freshly fallen out of the tree they are under and laying in an awkward dead finger bang-ready position. I was undoubtedly turned on and must now download a snuff film or kill the indian laundromat lady across the street and have sex with her face in order to satisfy these urges. Oh, look at me. Rambling on about how dead bodies get my dick hard!

Submitted by Havoc at 2005-12-30 02:54:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

well i just broke up with my girlfriend and this managed to give me a chuckle!

Submitted by ASO at 2005-12-30 02:15:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

sweet!

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2005-12-30 01:54:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

fuckin french...

Submitted by Yams at 2005-12-30 01:13:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I fucking knew it.

Submitted by STIXS at 2005-12-30 00:55:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

If you want to see fucked up, rent/download the french film 'Weekend'. Now THAT is fucked up shit. The whole first half hour is about a woman being raped by an egg. This is followed by an hour of random people KILLING each other...then having sex to this. This is followed by cannibalism, the slaughter of a REAL LIVE pig...on tape, and, erm, just in case I haven't sold it yet, lots and lots of french swearing and provocative talking. Remember...it's called Weekend...it's in color...made within the last 30 or so years, I'm positive.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2005-12-30 00:46:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

omg... atm. ew.

Submitted by LadyPlural at 2005-12-30 00:32:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was beautiful.



BranDo, you're a Grade C twatwaffle. That's right, you don't even excel at being a nitwit. I suppose it was just too much work to learn to do *anything* well.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-30 00:25:25 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2005-12-30 00:15:57 (#)
Ranking: 1

Excuse moi, Cracked_out_Cali for mixing up languages here. Merde!! Please accept my apologies.
I have to adapt to English only at übersite to prevent this from happening again I guess. That's what you get from working in a multi linguistic environment.

=======================================================

Its all gravy, baby. Let's just smash this bitch and go up on 'bout our business.

translation:

"No need to apolgize, fine sir. I was mistaken in jumping to conclusions. Let us now go our seperate ways in peace."

Submitted by BranDo at 2005-12-30 00:15:57 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Excuse moi, Cracked_out_Cali for mixing up languages here. Merde!! Please accept my apologies.
I have to adapt to English only at übersite to prevent this from happening again I guess. That's what you get from working in a multi linguistic environment.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2005-12-30 00:10:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That might have just been one of the best posts I've ever seen on this website.

The pacing was perfect.

The subject matter was targeted.

The punchline was repulsive.

That was just brilliant.

Bravo.

I commend you.

You've got my vote if you ever run for president.

Good show, monsieur.


























BTW.... B@W.


Submitted by Siren at 2005-12-29 23:58:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That's probably the straightest porn I've ever seen. I'm dead serious. I don't know that I've ever seen two people of the opposite sex doin the nasty together in a porno. So, I have a lot of gay male friends.

Submitted by ChicoV at 2005-12-29 23:44:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

con·nois·seur (kŏn'ə-sûr', -sʊr') pronunciation
n.

1. A person with expert knowledge or training, especially in the fine arts.
2. A person of informed and discriminating taste: a connoisseur of fine wines

(alt. sp.- connaisseur...FRENCH! NOT ENGLISH BITCH!)

Submitted by BranDo at 2005-12-29 23:33:56 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Hey man it just added that little something extra for me. Wasn't trying to get you pissed!! I'm in über the first day and I will post but I'm at work now and down here it's almost the end of my nightshift.

Submitted by BranDo at 2005-12-29 23:23:31 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by ChicoV (user info) at 2005-12-29 23:06:42 (#)
Ranking: 2

By the way, he used the word right... not that I would know anything about a language which sounds as if one is preparing to spit a lugas maximi...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


So your not a connaisseur yourself and your Latin sucks too, by the way. He used the word right but not the right word. I'd like to get my hands on the script of the movie.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-29 23:21:12 EST (#)
Rating: 0

And if you say I used it wrong... again, go post something.


Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-29 23:15:54 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2005-12-29 22:48:31 (#)
Ranking: 1

Calling yourself a connoisseur is absolutely priceless and explains why you don't understand the French porn movie as you rape the only french word in your post. Merde!

========================================

Hey, ass... thanks for pointing out that I spelled the word correctly.

Please go post something...


Submitted by Kent_Weirdo at 2005-12-29 23:10:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've never clutched my crucifix harder in my entire life.

You can take that any way you want.

Submitted by ChicoV at 2005-12-29 23:06:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

By the way, he used the word right... not that I would know anything about a language which sounds as if one is preparing to spit a lugas maximi...

Submitted by ScottPeterson at 2005-12-29 23:06:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That's Entertainment!

Submitted by antluvdog at 2005-12-29 23:03:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

THIS MUST GO ON BORED AT WORK.

Submitted by ChicoV at 2005-12-29 23:00:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I would give this post a +3 if I could. Best this week.

Submitted by BranDo at 2005-12-29 22:48:31 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Calling yourself a connoisseur is absolutely priceless and explains why you don't understand the French porn movie as you rape the only french word in your post. Merde!

Submitted by Spooner at 2005-12-29 22:42:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

How fucked up must someone's life had to have been to be into porn in black and white? You would have to have been doing drugs that weren't yet invented.

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2005-12-29 22:35:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I just +2'd GHEY BUTSEKS. Must be because I laughed my ass off.

Submitted by MANICMOTHER at 2005-12-29 22:26:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I have not laughed that hard in days.

Thank you.

Submitted by thecaes at 2005-12-29 22:16:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

No no no. Those French have the concept of the tag-team ALL WRONG!!

Submitted by Death_Metal_Dude at 2005-12-29 22:07:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahahah I've actually seen the first half of that one, before the gheyness came in

Submitted by joedaddy at 2005-12-29 21:41:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

did you cut the scene where dude #2 used the shotgun?

Submitted by Sassmasterr at 2005-12-29 21:28:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

that's teh gheyest thing evar

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2005-12-29 21:17:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I liked the part about the porn.

Submitted by PokeyPecker at 2005-12-29 21:13:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Jesus.

Submitted by precision at 2005-12-29 21:07:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHA you watched GAY porn!!!!! oh, wait...I just saw it too...nevermind

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2005-12-29 21:04:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2005-12-29 21:00:29 (#)
Ranking: 0

Well, if after THIS, you're still curious... go to http://deltaofvenus.com
You can get a 3 day pass for like $5.
------------------------------
Ha! That site does look a little familiar. I'm not curious enough to pay for it, mind you, but I'm a bit of a strange woman in regards to what I'll find myself watching sometimes. I'll have to request some on the torrent sites.

Submitted by Deconstruction at 2005-12-29 21:01:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Why god why

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2005-12-29 21:00:29 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2005-12-29 20:55:53 (#)
Ranking: 2

I'm jealous, I can't seem to find any REAL vintage porn on the BT sites I frequent. You have done us a service.

=========================================

Well, if after THIS, you're still curious... go to http://deltaofvenus.com
You can get a 3 day pass for like $5.

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2005-12-29 21:00:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Aheheheheheh.

Submitted by jagmcmanus at 2005-12-29 20:59:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Check out this vintage porn post then: http://www.ubersite.com/m/81177

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2005-12-29 20:55:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm jealous, I can't seem to find any REAL vintage porn on the BT sites I frequent. You have done us a service.


Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!

Homer: He was a zombie?

Treehouse of Horror III