I’m sorry Nath, I’m afraid I can’t do that.Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-01-16 05:53:19 EST
Rating: 1.79 on 77 ratings (77 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Being someone who spends his entire working life on a computer, I’ve learnt to hate the fucking things. And it’s not just the machines themselves. I hate everything about computers. Everything.
The worst thing by far working on computers is when you’re not actually working. People assume that just because you work with them your social skills end with them.
When talking to someone, and they find out I work in IT, they instantly start asking shit about their computer. Here’s a hint:
I FUCKING HATE MY JOB ON COMPUTERS
The only reason I do it is because it’s the only thing I can do that pays well. Computers are piss easy to work and not fuck up, yet your average person still manages to know off the top of their head after seven pints at least fifteen faults with their own personal computer.
And it’s strange. They’ve had the problem for about six months, but the second they meet you its urgent.
“What do you do for a living?”
“Work in IT.”
“No shit. My computer’s been doing this shit ever since I brought it in 1994. Do you think you could come around tomorrow at seven am to look at it for me? I need to go on eBay.”
“No. Fuck off. What do you do for a living?”
“No shit. You see I don’t actually live where I always need to be. Do you think you could come around mine tomorrow morning at eight, take me to work, pick me up again at half five, take me home, pick me up after dinner, bring me down here, then take me to the kebab van and then home? Thought not. Fucker.”
That conversation actually happened. I won’t go into the consequences of it but needless to say it involved Superman, a giant fruit bat and Moses.
What makes people think I give a flying fuck about their connection speed and how the fuck am I suppose to know which broadband provider they should go with?
Did I ask if you’ve made any killer buys on eBay yet? Did I show any sort of interest in your digital camera?
The answer to all these questions is a fat fucking NO. I don’t care. I couldn’t give a shit.
So your pictures are printing with lines across them? Boohoo, mother fucker, some kids in Africa only have dot matrix, show some consideration. Been innovative. Put the lined picture in a frame and stick in the Tate Modern. Make a fucking fortune. But be sure not to thank me, you bastards.
Whenever I’ve been on my courses up in London, which have obviously been IT ones, they have free drinks after the course on Wednesday. So you go up, get drunk and, if you’re unfortunate enough to be on a boring course (C++…) you better get ready to have your tits well and truly bored off.
Someone tried to rope me into a conversation about our printer server once. I capped his ass before it went too fair. It got a bit messy when it came to witnesses, but that’s all past.
I don’t give a fuck. I really can’t stress that point enough.
And one of the worst points about the worst point is that people hear IT and they assume it relates to every electrical appliance.
What the fuck do I know about satellite navigation systems? More to the point, what do I care? Want some advice, buy a fucking road map.
What mobile phone do I have? I have one where you talk and the asshole on the other end hears you. That’s why it’s called a fucking phone, moron. I don’t care if you can store 6,000 addresses and have a camera. You don’t 6,000 friends and everyone one you know is probably ugly, so who gives a shit?
Wow. You have a high definition TV. That’ll be useful when someone gives a shit and starts broadcasting decent channels on HD. Until then, you can just shove that big old waste of money up your brown eye (and if anyone wants to point out that high definition will revolutionise telly, then answer me this: What the fuck do I care?).
I don’t care about your kettle, dish washer, fridge, car, hi-fi, DVD player or robot dog. Talk to me about a fucking typewriter. That might grab my interest for a while. Is it interesting? Is it fuck. But it’s different.
People assume that because I work with computers I must be obsessed with them and so want to stay up all night playing fucking Diablo or some shit like that. I’ve never touched it. I wouldn’t bother. I don’t even have broadband at home. I don’t even own a computer. I use my works laptop at home, and I have no intention of buying my own one.
You want to talk to me about computers, or you want some help, advice or a problem fixed, fucking pay me for it, you cheap ass bastards, or talk to someone else.
If you meet an accountant, you don’t start asking them to just have a quick look and see if they can balance your books.
If you meet a boxer you don’t ask them to beat seven shades of shit of you.
If you meet a doctor you don’t drop your trousers and ask them to check out the boil on your ass.
Why me then? WHY?
Things computers are good for:
1. Ranting about how much you hate people who go on about computers
2. Going on about computers
3. Safely telling faceless people on the other side of the planet to fuck off
4. Credit card fraud (if you’re into that sort of thing)
5. Looking busy, while going on about computers, telling faceless people to fuck off and committing credit card fraud.
7. Storing all my music on so I don’t have to lug my fucking collection around
8. Downloading funny as fuck pictures and videos
Anything else that people say is great about them is a fucking lie. There is nothing useful that a computer can do that a pencil, calculator, typewriter, FAX machine and an IQ over 50 can’t achieve.
The second worst thing about computers: They always think they know best.
Word is the biggest culprit, always putting fucking lines under my words. I know I spell like a retard with dyslexia, but I'm at peace with that. I know I can turn the lines off, but why the fuck should I?
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