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My Marvelous Day at Yankee Candle (NSFW?)

Submitted by nitty34 at 2006-01-25 12:03:51 EST
Rating: 1.91 on 71 ratings (71 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I'd never been to Yankee Candle in January before yesterday.

Nor have I been in February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, or November. My trips to that store generally occur around the 24th of December, when I'm scrambling to find a gift for Aunt Clara since she sent me that wonderful set of pink bunny pajamas when I was nine.

I looked like a pink nightmare. A deranged Easter Bunny, but that's beside the point.

But yesterday I went.

I was going to the mall anyway, and apparently the ad wizards that nestle in the bowels of the Yankee Candle corporate offices felt that I was a good candidate as their target demographic. A few days ago, I'd received a Buy-1-Get-1-Free coupon in the mail. Hooray! Honors and benefits, reap yourselves upon me. Surely I had been hand picked from an enormous group of dozens of qualified candleers.

Plus, it wouldn't hurt lately if my house smelled nice.

I'm in the final stages of weaning the pup off of paper training, yet the funk of newsprint urine lingers every now and again.

Guess how long it takes the water to evaporate in a pot of boiling eggs? About the same amount of time it takes me to forget about the eggs, and to shower, shave, and dress. Walking out of my bedroom I was bitchslapped by the smell that hard boiled eggs make sans water. You can't fry hard boiled eggs whilst they're still in the shell. Write that down.

You ever start on a marathon of laundry, only to get to the last load, fold it, be happy and proud, and then three days later realize there was a load of car washing towels in the wash that you forgot to transfer to the dryer? Whoops.

A candle or two wouldn't hurt while the house had time to air itself out.

I arrived at the mall, and even though I was forced to park roughly 4 miles from the entrance, I thought I caught a vague whiff of White Lilac as I locked my car.

Walking through the entrance, I was sure I smelled the succulent scent of Sweet Pea.

Up the escalators past the food court, there was a definite hint of Sbarro mixed with Sunwashed Linen.

And then I saw the store. The Utopia. The Mecca. The Alpha and the Omega of candles and all things that are scented. I braced my olfactory glands and stepped inside.

Immediately I was attacked by one of the carbon copy June Cleavers in her queer little apron.

"Are you looking for anything special today, sir?"

"Pardon me?"

"Can I help you find anything?"

"What's that?"

"DO YOU NEED ANY HELP?"

"I'm sorry. I think the tsunami of smell in here has clogged my ears. Do you happen to have a Q-tip?"

"Why don't you just come find me if you have any questions!" She snarled as she stomped away. I truly didn't mean to piss her off.

Browsing through the racks and racks of candles, I noticed that the powers that are Yankee Marketing had attemted to broaden their reach over the consumer. Now they have vases. Car air fresheners. Wax burners.

I know another name for a wax burner. It's called a 'candle.'

I had been labeled a 'Problem Customer.' June Cleaver #1 had sent June Cleaver #2 to assist me. This one must have spent a fair amount of time with Eddie Haskill. She was quite polite, but I'm certain that every time I turned my back she was giving me the finger. She was also not a day under 412 years old. Damn me for not being able to be sarcastic to geriatrics.

"What are you looking for, sweetie?"
"Uh, just something that smells good."
"Is it for your house?"

Ummmm. Nice question. How many customers come in, on a daily basis, buying a candle NOT for their house. Do people buy garage candles? Candles for boats? For riding mowers? Gym lockers? Are you kidding?

"No, it's for my sock drawer."
"Well, you might want to think about getting one of our automobile air fresheners instead, since an open flame in a closed drawer might be considered a fire haza-"
"I was only kidding. It's for my house."

"Well then. Follow me." She was beginning to snarl, too. Shit.

"We have these lovely Christmas Scents half off. How about Mistletoe? Christmas Wreath? Jack Frost?"
"I don't think so. First of all, Jack Frost was a completely shit movie. How can Micheal Keaton degrade himself with such a terrible film? Don't you think? My Christmas wreath at the house created a helluva mess when I failed to take it down until mid-January, and the Mistletoe just sounds gay. Do you have anything else?"

"Well, over here we have the Macintosh Apple Scent. It's one of our more popular fragrances."
"I don't think that would work. I had a hard enough time getting a grasp on my PC. I don't want to start over. Plus, the thought of a portion of the proceeds going to line Bill Gates' pocket made me just throw up in my mouth a little. Pardon me." Luckily I was standing right beside the Voluptuous Vurp candle section. I opened a jar, emptied my mouth into it, and we proceeded.

"Here we have a new scent. Milk and Cookies. What do you think?" She asked as she popped the top and held the jar under my nose.
"I smell the cookies. Where is the milk? Does that smell come later? Do you have to buy that seperately?"
"Well, actually it just smells like cookies."
"Then why didn't you just name it 'cookies?'"
"I really couldn't answer that."
"I don't think that's the candle for me. I'm trying to lose weight and I fear it might be too tempting. You understand."

"Here is this month's featured scent. Midsummer's Night."
"I didn't know you sold literary candles! I tell you what, I'm a big fan of Grisham. Do you have The Pelican Brief candle? The Firm candle? How about The Rainmaker?"
"We have Splash of Rain."
"Let's move on."

"Here's a popular Spring scent. It's called Wedding Day."
"Hmmm. Smells like cherries."
"You know, if you burn this one and a White Zinfandel candle at the same time, it smells like busted cherries. That's an employee secret."
"You're shitting me, right?"
"Yes, sweetie."

Old people who make sexual innuendos kick major ass.

But she was getting annoyed.
I was getting annoyed.
This was getting annoying.

"How about this one. It provides a strong, sweet smell. It's called Cinnamon Stick. Smell."
"Snnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiiiiiffffffffffffff"
"What do you think?"
"I'm pretty certain my septum just deviated. Can I get a tissue? And for the love of God recap that bastard. You're fogging up the store windows."

And then I saw it.

The perfect candle for me.

It reminds me of awkward youth and refined adulthood.
It reminds me of drunken nights and 5-star meals.
It reminds me of elegant hotels and one specific college bar bathroom.
It reminds me of of pain, pleasure, blood, sweat, and tears.

It's perfect.

Only problem is, for about 5 days a month I can't get it to heat up. It won't light. I try to warm it up, I use different flames, I try it in different rooms, and it just sits there staring at me like I'm an asshole.

But I still love it.




-nitty




Pink.jpg
Pink.jpg


Review This Item

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Reviews


Submitted by YourNameHere at 2010-05-13 17:59:32 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

needs less nitty

Submitted by scourge at 2008-12-03 13:30:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i've read this probably four times now and never rated it. weird.

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2008-06-26 05:40:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

YES

Submitted by shadow at 2008-05-16 15:53:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

the pic looks like a man tucking it in.

Still, quite a good read.

Submitted by sideshow at 2007-03-23 13:50:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Astropath (user info) at 2006-01-30 10:01:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

"Here's a popular Spring scent. It's called Wedding Day."
"Hmmm. Smells like cherries."
"You know, if you burn this one and a White Zinfandel candle at the same time, it smells like busted cherries. That's an employee secret."
"You're shitting me, right?"
"Yes, sweetie."
=======================================

That's hilarious

---------------

I don't know why Astropath didn't give you a 2.....meh.

Great post, as usual. "Pink Stink", I love it.

Submitted by rejected at 2007-01-11 14:53:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Does Pink Stink smell like chicken?

Submitted by DonovanMD at 2006-03-15 23:06:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Possibly one of the best Uber posts of all time.

Submitted by ih8u2man at 2006-02-23 21:15:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by stryke at 2006-02-23 21:05:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Here's a popular Spring scent. It's called Wedding Day."
"Hmmm. Smells like cherries."

amazing. nice work

Submitted by NerfHerder at 2006-02-23 01:41:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This post was delicious.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2006-02-09 13:32:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was a kicker of all asses.

Submitted by Sassmasterr at 2006-02-05 18:36:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

pink stink

Submitted by SiskelandFatboy at 2006-02-03 09:05:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats. About time one of your posts ended up on Bored at Work.

Submitted by zoobie2000 at 2006-02-02 10:54:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

okay i guess

Submitted by Astropath at 2006-01-30 10:01:19 EST (#)
Rating: 1

"Here's a popular Spring scent. It's called Wedding Day."
"Hmmm. Smells like cherries."
"You know, if you burn this one and a White Zinfandel candle at the same time, it smells like busted cherries. That's an employee secret."
"You're shitting me, right?"
"Yes, sweetie."
=======================================

That's hilarious

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-01-29 22:51:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by c1ndy at 2006-01-29 05:21:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ha

Submitted by Off_The_Wagon at 2006-01-28 15:05:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ha. You made me laugh, and more than once. Two points.

Submitted by charminglybeef at 2006-01-28 14:36:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome.

Submitted by Siren at 2006-01-28 11:33:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

How can something on B@W be NSFW? That was a close one, you bitch.

Submitted by nightshade at 2006-01-28 11:05:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Envenom at 2006-01-28 09:46:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think that shit would be the perfect compliment to my "Poon Tang," you know, give you the whole package.

http://www.ubersite.com/m/61127

Nicely done.


Hey, aren't you in SC somewhere? How far from Charleston? We need to have a beer one of these days.

Submitted by Walker at 2006-01-28 08:22:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wow! This actually got me to rate this after a whole month of not rating shit!
Congratulations for B@W, you really deserve it!

Submitted by saint_sebastian at 2006-01-28 06:56:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"I didn't know you sold literary candles! I tell you what, I'm a big fan of Grisham. Do you have The Pelican Brief candle? The Firm candle? How about The Rainmaker?"
"We have Splash of Rain."
"Let's move on."

___________________________________________

Nice. I laughed, I cried, then I divorced that bitch of a candle.

Submitted by Off_The_Wagon at 2006-01-28 05:03:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'll read this tomorrow. I only got to your Jean Shepherd reference, but that's good enough for me.

Submitted by Davros at 2006-01-28 04:32:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Missed this.

Putting that right now.

-Dave

Submitted by Dreg at 2006-01-27 13:53:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

well deserved B@W

Submitted by pen_name at 2006-01-27 12:14:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

haha, nsfw on B.at.W...that's rare. congrats!

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-01-27 09:39:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats!

Although, they *do* have a buttercream candle that's just too evil...

Don't ask how I know.

I SAID DON'T ASK!!!

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-01-27 08:34:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W

Submitted by full_frontal at 2006-01-26 11:00:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

mmmm, just right.

Submitted by Maddog at 2006-01-26 10:43:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dreg at 2006-01-26 10:37:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

buuuuuuuump

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2006-01-26 09:51:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:23:44 (#)
Ranking: 2

This was done marvelously.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2006-01-26 04:29:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:15:25 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:08:47 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 (#)
Ranking: 2

YES
Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:12:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

I really wish this could make B@W

--------------------------

definitely a B@W nomination...

Submitted by Dreg at 2006-01-26 01:31:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-26 01:08:35 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:15:25 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:08:47 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 (#)
Ranking: 2

YES

Submitted by The_Cyst_Master at 2006-01-26 01:08:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:15:25 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:08:47 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 (#)
Ranking: 2

YES

Submitted by Dreg at 2006-01-25 23:35:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I just don't know if that is too NSFW for B@W or not, but I hope it makes it.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2006-01-25 23:21:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This warrants the ever-elusive "Shamone" rating.

So:

Shamone.

Submitted by munkeypants at 2006-01-25 23:04:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by ConorJS at 2006-01-25 20:38:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"You know, if you burn this one and a White Zinfandel candle at the same time, it smells like busted cherries. That's an employee secret."
"You're shitting me, right?"
"Yes, sweetie."

===================================================

This made me giggle like a little girl

Submitted by Dreg at 2006-01-25 20:03:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by antluvdog at 2006-01-25 17:24:21 EST (#)
Rating: 2

B@W.

Submitted by MistressFist at 2006-01-25 16:28:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-01-25 15:43:33 (#)
Ranking: 2

I so want that candle
===============================
Just stick a wick in my slit and put me on top of your coffee table.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-01-25 15:43:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I so want that candle

Submitted by stuckfix at 2006-01-25 14:36:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

At X-mas, I had to find this yankee candle that the girl I was seeing had mentioned like a month earlier, and hadn't brought up since. It was nearly fucking impossible to find, and I finally had a friend look in a city 3 hours away, where he found it and brought it up to me when he came home for X-mas. The girl swooned when she opened it.

But I hate entering those stores, the stink is awful, it's like instant sneeze attack.

Good story, and that pic is killer.


Submitted by Foonbo at 2006-01-25 14:14:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Bravo.

Submitted by One4TheRoad at 2006-01-25 14:03:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"I looked like a pink nightmare. A deranged Easter Bunny..."

+2 for A Christmas Story.

Submitted by r0fl at 2006-01-25 13:46:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Vurps

Submitted by JackalFett at 2006-01-25 13:44:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesomality

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2006-01-25 13:25:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

thou art demented.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2006-01-25 13:12:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

buahauahauahahauahauaaaaa aha

Submitted by precision at 2006-01-25 12:52:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

if it smells like fish, eat all you wish...if it smells like cologne, leave it alone.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2006-01-25 12:52:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I had the good fortune to spend 45 minutes in the Yankee Candle OUTLET last Saturday. Not the store, mind you, the outlet. I didn't see the Pink Stink flavored candle.

Submitted by cuberat at 2006-01-25 12:51:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2006-01-25 12:48:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

See, I'd think men would have the same problem with this candle as I do with the sugar cookie candle. It's false advertising, and would only taunt you with the implication that if you wait just a few minutes, a little slice of heaven will be on the way.

Do they make one in ball sweat scent? It might at least make the porn viewing experience more realistic.

Submitted by MistressFist at 2006-01-25 12:41:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hey, I have that candle!

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2006-01-25 12:36:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

boys are gross

Submitted by HadToBeDone at 2006-01-25 12:36:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

In totally unrelated news, I think I forgot to put last night's leftovers away and they are still on the stove.


I'll tell Sis to bring me a candle.

Submitted by HadToBeDone at 2006-01-25 12:33:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'll go in there when they have "stale sweaty socks" as a scent. Until then, that's what sister-in-laws are for.


"This place stinks. Have a candle. It smells like clean linen. Do you know what that is?"

God love her.

Submitted by weasul at 2006-01-25 12:28:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yankee Candle scares me.

The founder of Yankee Candle started it in his basement. He then sold his giant coporation for $500 million years later. He then liked to buy $10,000 suits off of my friend's father (who also sold to Sgt. Slaughter).

Prick. Why can't I make millions doing something stupid? Oh yeah, because I'm stupid. And I ramble.

Submitted by ruthless at 2006-01-25 12:25:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Nice.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2006-01-25 12:23:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was done marvelously.

Submitted by leilani at 2006-01-25 12:21:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahahaha

i love yankee candles.

Submitted by MichelleNJ at 2006-01-25 12:15:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2006-01-25 12:15:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:08:47 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 (#)
Ranking: 2

YES

Submitted by Dreg at 2006-01-25 12:12:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I really wish this could make B@W

Submitted by EAZEDZT at 2006-01-25 12:10:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Youd've gotten a +2 on this most holy of days (B-day)anyway.

But this is for the post even. Good post

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2006-01-25 12:10:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Right on.

Submitted by Dreg at 2006-01-25 12:08:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 (#)
Ranking: 2

YES!

Submitted by The_Cyst_Master at 2006-01-25 12:04:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

YES!


Marge: This is the best gift of all, Homer.

Homer: It is?

Marge: Yes, something to share our love. And frighten prowlers.

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire