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I'll meet you in the next life... Don't be late.

Submitted by Spam at 2006-02-03 14:02:09 EST
Rating: 1.58 on 54 ratings (54 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I wanted to do this in fine style and, to some extent, I guess I could’ve done so quite easily. But for this occasion, I thought I'd tell you all something about me.

I’ve been fucking everything up since I was around 13

I never really knew why because despite the arrogance implicit in such a statement, I’ve always felt that there wasn’t really a lot I couldn’t do.

I’ve touched briefly on my school days in a previous post and I wasn’t exaggerating then when I said that I was unanimously described as ‘gifted’ by my teachers but then, in the spirit of fairness, I guess I should tell you that the same teachers also described me as ‘the biggest disappointment in their teaching career’. It sounds narcissistic to tell you this I know, but for reasons which may become apparent to the more intuitive reader, reactions I get to this post matter not to me, so fucking deal with it.

Ever been told: “if you put as much effort into doing your work as you do avoiding it, you’d be the best student here.”?

Well I never thought of that as a cliché until I started senior school.

And you know, it’s fucking true. I really do put more effort into avoiding a job set for me then it would take to actually do the fucker and although this is the first time I’ve actually sat down and thought about the reasons behind this, I’m fairly sure it’s down to the fact that I’ve never, ever, enjoyed doing a SINGLE task that somebody else has asked me to accomplish. I’m fucking CERTAIN that I’ve always got a far greater sense of achievement from dodging stuff then I would actually fucking doing it.

Did I ever tell you that, at 14, I got a result on my Key Stage 3 maths exam that was so high, they had to MAKE UP a new grade for me? ‘s true, the test went from level 1 to level 7 and I got given a level 8, a feat that nobody else in the history of the exam had ever achieved whilst attending our school. Once, in a GCSE geography exam, there was a printing mistake in the test paper and we were asked questions about a graph that didn’t make sense. So I redrew the graph, rewrote the question and then answered it.

That year, I was the only person in the county to get that question right

It’s at this point that you should be reaching for the -2 and asking yourself why I’m regaling you guys with a tale of how brilliant I am and, in all honesty you should, for there is nothing of merit in this post – I just want you to know why I’m doing what I’m doing.

You see, I left school with mediocre results, a fact that was – wrongly - attributed to laziness by my tutors. In reality, it was merely because I just DIDN’T WANT TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO DO.

They kicked me out of my ‘A’-levels a year later because of this lethargy and I got my revenge by paying out money to take them anyway - even though I’d had no tuition.

I passed.

Again, that bell’s ringing in my head - the warning claxon that signals me when I’m being too egotistical, and I feel the need to apologise - even though I don’t feel sorry for telling you what, in essence, is the truth.

I walked from school straight into a job I excelled in (again, this is something I’ve touched on in a recent post) and from there I went from strength to strength, ending in a well paid position that I could (and DID) do whilst inebriated to point of unconsciousness. In all honesty, I didn’t do that job too well, but then, that was simply because I didn’t WANT to rather than because I couldn’t.

And that’s my story. I’ve spent my entire academic and ‘working’ life getting good results whilst simultaneously working my ass off to avoid putting effort into anything worthwhile. It’s been easy and it’s been fun.

If you’re pissed off because I’m here telling you how easy I’ve had it through my life, then I can understand, but this next section is something that you’re probably going to want to read and besides, these are things that I’ve never really discussed with anybody.

You see, even with all this ‘success’, coming so easily to me, I’ve always struggled. I’ve always felt empty.

Wanna know why?

Fuck, you probably do already right?


They’re a fucking mystery. There’s nothing - and I’m not kidding – NOTHING that I’ve set my mind on accomplishing that didn’t just fall in my lap for me, but throughout it all I’ve felt unfulfilled - like there’s been a piece missing.

I can’t talk to them you see. Or rather, I can’t talk to any woman that I find attractive. And I’m not just talking superficially attractive – those chicks are fucking easy – I’m talking the whole bag, chicks with fucking POTENTIAL – those are the ones that fuck me up.

I dunno why it is, I’ve a slew of female friends who all think I’m charming and witty and shit, but the thing is, they’re my fucking FRIENDS. Show me a woman that I actually want to sleep with and something fucking happens to me and I turn into a drooling mute.

And let’s be honest here people, if a women ever falls for me, it aint gonna be because of my looks.

Fuck man, I’m pretty fucking drunk right now, and I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but up until a couple weeks ago, I’d never slept with a single woman that didn’t annoy the living piss out of me.

That’s my curse, doomed to failure as I am by my inability to charm ladies I actually want, I’ve been forced to prey upon the undesirable in order to gain any kind of sexual gratification.

I can’t think why. I guess that maybe the idea that a woman is deluded enough to find me attractive is the biggest turn off I can think of. Fuck, reading that sentence back is depressing.

So, so far this post has been a strangely mismatched exercise in arrogance and insecurity, two traits that, oddly enough, always seem to go hand in hand. Again, I can feel the few who will have read this far will now be thinking ‘SO?? WHAT’S THE FUCKING POINNT OF ALL THIS??!!’

There is no point.

When I was a kid, I had this toy. It was picture of a penguin painted onto a 4x4 grid of interconnected tiles. The thing was, there was one tile missing you see, so you could swap the tiles around randomly to mix up the picture and then spend the next few minutes trying to logically slide the tiles around so that they made up that penguin again.

The thing that always fucked me off about that game was that no matter how hard you worked, no matter how quickly you slid the picture back into place, it would ALWAYS have the corner missing. No matter what you did, that picture was never going to get completed. But I guess, if there were never a piece missing, you couldn’t slide that shit around and then what would be the fucking POINT?

I always felt life was a bit like that, that you’re only ever given a few tiles that you have to rearrange to make the picture that most pleases you. At some points, you may manage to get an almost perfect image of happiness and at others, everything is such a jumbled mess that nothing seems to make sense. But no matter what, never - never once - do you have everything you ever wanted. Not in the real world.

But like the tile puzzle, if you ever did have all the pieces, what’d be the fucking point?

Fuck this, I’m tired of waxing lyrical to you fuckers about shit that you don’t care about.

And in a way, I guess that’s really what this whole post boils down to.

I lost my job a couple of months ago you see, and yes, I’m using the term ‘lost’ loosely. And now, with all my experience in high pressure, well-paid positions, with all my good results from exams I didn’t revise for, for the first time in my life I can’t get a decent job. Ten years of slacking catching up with me.

Am I depressed about my failure in the one field I’ve always been successful at?



Because this all happened about the same time I hooked up with The Girl.

The Lord giveth, and the lord taketh away.

So I’ve been lost this last month, happy as I was with my tag of being lucky with money but unlucky in love, I was completely unable to deal with the complete reversal of the situation.

But I’ve thought about it. The tiles slide and a new picture forms and it’s up to you to do your best to re-organise things until everything makes seems.

You haven’t worked this out yet have you?

I’ve gotta change guys. I just don’t think I can go on like this, slacking off was cool whilst everything was going well for me and anyway, I always felt I deserved a break somewhere because the one thing I wanted had always eluded me. But now I’ve GOT that one thing, and I can’t rightly expect anything free to come my way anymore. I gotta start working for my shit.

So I made this promise, one that I’ve made a thousand times before but never believed until this moment, I promise to try, to work, to graft. I promise that no matter where I end up tomorrow, no matter what it is I end up doing for money, I’m gonna do it well, give it my all. I’m gonna Work where before I merely just existed. I’m gonna change. I’m gonna drop all the stupidity I used to waste my time with

I’m gonna succeed.

Sure, if the day ever does come where I’m happy with my station in work, I can guarantee that fate’ll come along and fuck something else up for me.

But I gotta at least TRY and change things, otherwise what’s the point in playing the game?

So, ‘What does this all mean?’ you may ask again.

It means that I’m not the same person as I was last week, for better or worse. It means that everybody I come into contact with has got to get used to this change too. The guy you knew isn’t home anymore. Sure, sometime he may come back, depending on how things go, but for now, he’s dead.

That Me is dead

Spam is dead.

…And so he bids you all adieu.

'When I was a child, I played with childish things,
as I become a man, I put those childish things away'

...Thanks for All the Fish.JPG
...Thanks for All the Fish.JPG

Review This Item




Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-17 13:50:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-07-22 09:11:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My maths teacher congratulated me on my result. I never liked the bastard and it seemed forced. I didn't like being congratulated when I'd put in no effort for something I didn't care about.

Load of shite really.

The only time I've ever enjoyed a result is when I struggled to get it. You lose a bit of respect once you understand what they want you to do.

Submitted by Spam at 2008-07-22 09:01:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2008-07-22 07:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2


I got an 8 for my maths, a 7 for my science and a 7 for my english.

the SATS were utter utter shit, as are all exams really. Pass them and move along.


yeah I know. Same as GCSE's really. I love how at the time Teachers were basically telling us that if we didn't do well at these then we would fail at life and have to work in a factory or somesuch for the rest of our days etc etc.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2008-07-22 07:57:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I got an 8 for my maths, a 7 for my science and a 7 for my english.

the SATS were utter utter shit, as are all exams really. Pass them and move along.

Interesting piece though

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-22 07:27:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


*tries to hide behind lampost*

*and fails*

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2008-07-22 07:25:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Whose stalking Spam??

Oh its Orphelia, carry on.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-07-22 06:52:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love that quote.

Submitted by experima at 2008-07-17 02:20:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Val at 2008-07-17 02:10:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-03-12 13:33:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

wtf im not reading all that?!


you should have, it was worth it.

Submitted by orph at 2008-07-17 01:39:13 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Please tell me this pic is you?

Also, the title of the post rings a bell...

Submitted by mrwolf at 2006-11-14 12:15:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Not sure I can comfortably plus2 a brother from another mothers leaving post.

Nice to have met you mate, hopefully not for the last time.

I ain't ever leaving for more than a year at a time, not because Ubersite is actually any good but just cause it's good place to store anecdotes and pictures as they come about. I tend to direct new friends here if they ever ask that stupid question "who are you really?".


Submitted by rodyarask at 2006-10-26 18:57:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Write more; you're very good.

Submitted by thecaes at 2006-03-22 07:26:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's hard to get motivated to excel when everything is so easy and dull.

The good news is, you're a talented chap, so you can pretty much do anything you want to. Congratulations and good luck.

Oh, and I know what you mean with the woman thing.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-03-22 06:48:01 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Davros at 2006-03-22 06:37:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You fucking hassle me to write then you don't fucking read it.



Submitted by Sicknote at 2006-03-12 13:46:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 because I also got an 8 in my SATs and I nearly got kicked out of sixth form.

Slacking is working for me right now.

Submitted by Deconstruction at 2006-03-12 13:35:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Got a little too personal, made the read a bit uncomfortable.

I really understand where this came from though and I guess that's why I liked it.

Oh, and neat peekcher.

Submitted by G-prime at 2006-03-12 13:33:41 EST (#)
Rating: -2

wtf im not reading all that?!

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-03-12 13:15:26 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2006-03-11 18:51:13 (#)
Ranking: -2

I'll do what I want with my reviews. ""

me too, bell-end.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-03-11 13:14:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i'll do what i want with my own writing.

Submitted by ess-arr at 2006-03-09 09:28:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Pissing Duck (alba)

Submitted by Dervel at 2006-02-20 04:25:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2005-12-15 22:08:18 (#)
Ranking: 2

(oh by the way: 2-0)


Ho ho ho.

2-0 indeed.

Have fun in league 1 next season.

Submitted by Istaros at 2006-02-15 05:28:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

favorites list

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-02-15 05:24:04 EST (#)
Rating: 0

oh good god.

Submitted by Berty at 2006-02-15 04:52:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Not too sure what to say to all this.

For you to feel so inclined, with good reason to I'm sure, seems terribly unjust. You're a good man Spam; clever, witty and kind.

Still, if one is not happy then one has failed somehow in ones' life. You've got to change yourself to change your life because no-one is going to come and save you.

Life's not fair. We all know that. It's such tiring work, starting again.

Submitted by Dervel at 2006-02-15 03:55:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2



Submitted by Soley_Trinity at 2006-02-08 11:57:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2006-02-08 11:42:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Good post and a good hat.

Submitted by sinna at 2006-02-07 03:25:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by munkeypants at 2006-02-04 15:12:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's not too late to take a few classes and use that intellect
to excel.

Submitted by hairycoo at 2006-02-04 13:15:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

so beautifully self-indulgent

Submitted by Stin at 2006-02-04 12:05:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Check in from time to time, mkay?

Submitted by mikethescottish at 2006-02-03 20:53:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Interesting read. Good luck.

Submitted by queenemily at 2006-02-03 19:30:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 because I am jealous as hell. Curse you and lack-of-failure. Bitch.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-02-03 19:15:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-02-03 18:06:17 (#)
Ranking: 2

Is this some confusing way of saying you are actually gonna buy a round next time?



Submitted by Davros at 2006-02-03 18:06:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Is this some confusing way of saying you are actually gonna buy a round next time?


Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2006-02-03 17:18:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

See you around.
Or not.


Submitted by BadAssJulie at 2006-02-03 17:13:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 because you were a complete slacker but still did great in school like me.

Submitted by Lisa at 2006-02-03 17:09:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Interesting. Kind of.

Submitted by coocoocachoo at 2006-02-03 15:57:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-03 15:43:59 (#)
Ranking: -2

see you in six months, Urbane.

Submitted by coocoocachoo at 2006-02-03 15:55:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by alfakyle at 2006-02-03 15:47:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Quite good. (I wonder how long until someone bitches about this being very emo)

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-02-03 15:43:59 EST (#)
Rating: -2

see you in six months, Urbane.

Submitted by saint_sebastian at 2006-02-03 15:37:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm gonna change. I'm gonna drop all the stupidity I used to waste my time with...

I'm gonna quit Uber.

is that what you were trying to say in 50,000+ words?

Submitted by retrospect at 2006-02-03 15:24:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i enjoyed this but you look like a chubby Kevin Federline. Popozoi!!

Submitted by One4TheRoad at 2006-02-03 14:46:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ubetidid at 2006-02-03 14:45:42 EST (#)
Rating: 1

1) could you tutor me in algebra
2) just pay for hookers - they will be anything you need them to be
3) go smoke a joint and forget all this shit

Submitted by Susie_Derkins at 2006-02-03 14:44:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You're preaching to the choir. But, as you say, if the puzzle had all the pieces, what would be the point? If the puzzle had all it's pieces, it wouldn't work. Similarily, no life is ever complete. There's ALWAYS something missing. I don't know anyone who has everything they ever wanted. But if you did, you may as well blow your head off as there's no more point in existing.

"As long as I have want, I have reason for living. Satisfaction is death." - George Bernard Shaw

Submitted by leilani at 2006-02-03 14:27:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Teephphah at 2006-02-03 14:26:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Holy. Fuck.



<keeps clapping for a long time>

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2006-02-03 14:10:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

In the spirit of making a clean break, I think you should let me have your hat.

Submitted by ghola at 2006-02-03 14:08:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

'When I was a child, I played with childish things,
as I become a man, I put those childish things away'

+2 for this along with the picture.

fucking ace man

Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart at 2006-02-03 14:08:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

For this line: "the idea that a woman is deluded enough to find me attractive is the biggest turn off I can think of"

and the puzzle allegory

Submitted by jack11058 at 2006-02-03 14:08:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

good luck to ye

Homer: Dig him up!!! Dig up that corpse! If you really love
Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground
to prove my daughter wrong! Dig up his grave! Pull out his

Quimby: Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up
a corpse?

Lisa the Iconoclast