Anal LeakageSubmitted by xanderd at 2006-03-10 03:52:48 EST
Rating: 1.87 on 55 ratings (55 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I recently decided to run an experiment on my body. I decided to see what would happen if I took mega doses of vitamins. The Recommended daily allowance for Vitamin B5 in Europe is 6 milligrams per day. The side effects of high dosage are listed as follows:
“Edema, severe fatigue, joint pains, reduced protein metabolism, gastrointestinal symptoms, raised VLDL triglycerides, calcification, dehydration, and depression.”
I bought a large tub of pure vitamin B5 powder. I also took standard health food shop capsules of Zinc, Vitamin C, and milk thistle. I also made fresh fruit and vegetable juice cocktails every day, including apple and lime, carrot and orange, pear and ginger, and many other combinations, sometimes with up to 12 fresh fruits, vegetables and herbs in a glass.
Why did I do this? Why not? I read that Vitamin B5 is water-soluble so it wouldn’t cause long term overdosing. Plus maybe it would purge my body of all the alcohol and mars bars. Maybe I would even gain superhuman abilities, well maybe not, but it’s worth a shot.
I scooped 10grams of vitamin B5 powder and loaded it straight onto my tongue. That’s 10 grams, 10,000 milligrams; 1666 times the RDA. Vitamin B5 is also called Pantothenic Acid. This fact was evident as it started stinging my tongue whilst simultaneously sucking all the liquid from it, making it feel like a dried up sponge. “Fuck I’m parched!”. The taste of this stuff was truly vomit inducing, I uncontrollably shuddered as I tried in vain to tongue the globules of sour powder from around my mouth. It tasted like I had licked the lime scale from around the bathroom taps, but worse. So far so good.
I continue on my dose of 10 grams per day, plus the other supplements. Only now I have altered my swallowing strategy. I pinch my nose, put a spoonful of powder on my tongue and rinse down with orange juice. The dry, sour, acrid taste still remained, but more bearable. One spoon down, two to go. You can try the pinching your nose trick at home – it makes you lose most of your sense of taste. Tea actually has no taste whatsoever, only aroma, try drinking it with your nose pinched!
This is where the gastrointestinal problems start. My stomach starts turning over like a 1980 Morris Minor being started on the first day of winter. My gastric juices never seem content in one position, and constantly gurgle around. I occasionally get stomach cramps, but it is bearable, if uncomfortable.
I was working on my PC, and I could feel the impending need for a shit. As I often do, I held off until I finished checking my e-mails, then I delayed some more. It got to the point where the weight of the turd lurking in my bowel was growing heavy and straining for release. I retired to the toilet, sat down, and with one heave the entirety of the beast was expelled in one tremendous motion. For a short time, I felt like I may have expelled too much as my abdomen suddenly felt vacuous. Feeling ill, I folded like a soufflé in a gypsies caravan in August…surely it is not natural to lose this percentage of body weight so quickly? The sound the creature made was a deep gurgle as it plummeted straight round the U bend, leaving large bubbles of gas erupting from the water for at least 4 seconds afterwards. When I eventually straightened up and peered into the bowl I was shocked to see the rainbow shimmer of an oil slick on the waters surface from the glimmering light of the hallway. I turned on the bathroom light (I didn’t have time earlier) to see that on its journey the turd had jettisoned parts of itself, which floated around the oily surface as if self propelled. Taken aback by this unique experience, I photographed the remains, before flushing and returning to work.
The anal leakage begins. Aerosolised poo escapes from my ring at the most unexpected times. I only have to squat down to unintentionally release sopping wet farts. My food is going through me like the Eurotunnel, I am shitting about 6 times a day, and my farts become so wet I have to actually wipe my arse afterwards.
My guts are so smelly even my intestinal bacteria are trying to escape. I only have to climb a flight of stairs, and the impact of each foot landing releases a loose wind that causes a bunch of kids within a 2 mile radius to slam to the ground clutching their throats. I reduce the dose to 9 grams per day.
My toilet is like a scene from Perfect Storm. Residual waves from the toilet bowl rise up and crash down. I have to lay down a fireman’s blanket to prevent my chocolate starfish receiving a neptune’s kiss. Shit takes so much longer to come out when its pure liquid, and the sound is most uncanny. Occasionally I am lucky enough to shit solid, but even this is far from my previous days of tower turd glory, instead balls are forced out of my bum cannon by the immense pressure of the flatulence behind them.
My sphincter feels like a kite in the wind, it cannot offer any resistance against any escaping liquids, gasses, or solids. The gates of Minas Tirith have been breached. I cast forth my raging shit hourly, shitting, nay, pissing shit, pebble dashing my Kleins and shit staining my balls.
Toilet trips are now getting so long that my forearms leaning on my thighs are cutting off the blood supply. I have to bring cushions, scented candles and a back catalogue of Readers Digest with me on every trip to the shit house. Any short walk becomes a treacherous journey in which I risk the massaging motion of my hips from causing another bout of uncontrollable anal venting, my arsehole feels like an over-salivating asthmatic trombone player.
Some of my sulphuric creamy butt nuggets actually effervesce as they hit the water. It is disturbing to hear the sound of 2 Alka-Seltzer being dropped into a glass of water when shitting.
The shit storm begins to recede, although the churning in my stomach is still incessant. My body steadily adapts to the new circumstances. Leaving the house without first padding my underwear with tissue is a dream becoming more and more within my grasp.
Shit is regaining solidity. But anal looseness is still evident. Today I was walking along completely unawares that I had just followed through, until I felt the nugget I had pinched off tumble down my trouser leg and fall onto the street. At first I was shocked, maybe even a little curious. I stooped to examine the object, I briefly considered sniffing it, but then I regained my sanity and left the stool to dissolve in the rain. I hurriedly made my way home to the sanctity of the bathroom where I could have some alone time with my hideous freakishness. It seems my mind has also been affected by this vitamin cocktail.
Thank God the trial is over. I stop taking all the vitamins and just remain on the occasional fruit juice. My ring bit slowly regained its musculature. I didn’t get any benefits from this experiment. No sweating off of alcohol, no incredible vitality, shiny coat or wet nose. At least the memories of what my bum can achieve will always stay with me.
I pioneer in the name of science, and am currently considering what my next experiment will be.