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Just Who Is George Mason And Why Is A School Named After Him?

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-03-30 04:54:34 EST
Rating: 1.13 on 63 ratings (63 reviews) (Review this item) (V)



George Mason, the inventor of the mason jar, came to America in 1777 from a remote island called ‘Cat-Piss Island’ or as some like to call it (although they are totally wrong) ‘Ireland.’ I wouldn’t know. I’ve never heard of it. I gained all my knowledge of geography from a waterlogged Risk board I found in the trash while looking for my TV remote. He left because he was really a werewolf and the only known cure for werewolves was sending them to America and letting them deal with it. He invented the mason jar when he needed something to huff cod liver oil out of. The jar was a labour of love and by love I mean terror, misery, blood, sweat and Kentucky Fried Chicken skin.

He still turned into a werewolf from time to time but being a werewolf was the least of his problems. You think it would be higher on the list but you can’t read his mind. Unless you’re a brail-reading squirrel, but we’ll get to that later.

George Mason subsequently conquered the territory today known as Georgia, naming it after himself. He wanted to name it Masonitoriaiferica but it wouldn’t fit on the stamp he designed. The stamps he did invent didn’t sell well because they were made out of frog skin. Poison frog skin. DEADLY poison frog skin. Deadly with awesomness, that is.

The stamps are what caused George Mason’s death. Which wasn't so awesome for him. Maybe for the frogs, but I'm sure the frogs loved all the attention. Little whores.

He choked on one of the stamps because he had accidentally eaten the letter he wanted to mail. Thankfully, the letter was to himself, reminding himself not to eat the stamp as it would kill him. He had no real grasp of irony. Or swallowing. Or on anything since he didn’t have any thumbs.

George Mason’s ghost, however, lived on. He single-handedly killed the last woolly mammoth when he travelled through time and punched it in the balls. Woolly mammoths were fucks anyways. You can blame the end of the ice age or the evolution of the hunting spear, but I know that George Mason is the soul reason for the extinction of the mammoth. How do I know this? I was there. And I didn't just imagine it. Not like that time I witnessed all those hookers getting murdered by a talking mongoose, told the police but couldn't remember it because a vampire stole my brain and replaced it with a brain with no real memories of the events. When they catch that vampire, we'll all know the truth.

It was a cold, cold day. It was so cold that my Popsicle had frozen to my lips. I know it was a bad idea to eat a Popsicle at that time but I really wanted one. Even though it was made of metal, it was still good. If you like metal….and a mouth filled with blood. Needless to say I was more concerned with my Popsicle than I was with George Mason. Since it was my job to protect the mammoths, I can’t say it’s my fault that they all died. But I can not not say that it wasn’t.

George Mason is a huge prick. He nicknamed himself ‘Titty, titty, bang-bang.’ I don’t think that’s funny. It makes me uncomfortable. And a little hungry. For waffles with nipples on them.

The nipples of a pig.

So, with George Mason’s time-travelling ghost terrorizing the past, we can only assume that the only natural enemy (aside from polar bears and flesh-eating wasps) that George Mason ever had was the evil, horrifying, supremely ugly and utterly terrifying Pope John Paul II’s evil twin, Carl.

Carl, who could only travel FORWARD in time because he was cursed by a gypsy’s wig, travelled so far forward in time that he travelled into the past. He ran into George Mason in the middle of the 1977 NBA playoffs. The Portland Trail Blazers, coached by Jack “Bloody Tampon” Ramsay, were playing the Philadelphia 76ers. The game was interrupted when George Mason and Carl started battling over who could throw a javelin further: a snake or a one-breasted gorilla named Erica.

Needless to say, George Mason beat Carl with his brain-power (and an axe covered in acid and flesh-eating ants dipped in hot sauce) and scored 35 points with 12 rebounds to help the Trail Blazers beat the 76ers in what was later known as the 1977 NBA Finals Massacre, as all the fans attending the game were later murdered by George Mason and his axe of terror and a pony named Sugarpie. He thought they were stealing his thoughts. What he doesn’t know is that they were. And the pony was behind it all.

That pony went on to win the Kentucky Derby and star as Lassie in the lesser-known television series ‘Lassie: When Dogs Grow Up They Become Ponies And You Want A Pony. Love the Pony. Stroke the Pony.’

‘Stroke the pony’ remains as the George Mason slogan. They stroke the pony as often as they can. And you should too.

George Mason later built an orphanage for some baby squirrels and taught them to read brail.

He went on to conquer Mars and store all of his thoughts there so no one could get to them. When the squirrels developed space travel, they reached Mars and read all of George Mason’s thoughts because THEY WERE IN BRAIL. WHAT A MORON!

It was a short list.

He thought about porn and shrimp a lot. He loved shrimp because they reminded him and squirrel foetuses.

In the end, he died when he fell down the stairs carrying a tray of knives. The accident may or may not have been a result of the great squirrel conspiracy against him and his anti-squirrel thoughts. He double-died because as we all know that when a ghost travels through time he can die again. Double-dying is a well known fact and if you didn’t know it you’ve been living in a whale’s stomach. Which is impossible because whales are fish and we all know fish digest things by dissolving them with their venomous cum-sacks. Fish are cum-guzzling whores. I hope they all die from fish AIDS. I know this because I’m a marine biologist. I took night classes at the community college taught by that Chinese guy at the Laundromat. He’s cool because he lets me take the exams in my underwear while he watches me from a darkened corner. I can’t write without getting a boner. It’s an unfortunate reaction I have to pencils laced in date-rape drugs.

We celebrate the day of George Mason’s death by getting up, going to work and killing one of our coworkers and throwing his body in the river after cutting off his face and wearing it as a hat.

If Rick’s family is reading this, he was asking for it.







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Reviews


Submitted by consuelo212 at 2006-09-15 20:15:24 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

this was annoying.

Submitted by smashxthexsigns at 2006-09-02 14:08:37 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Hey, I work at Gunston Hall, the home of Geoge Mason, and plan on passing this thing off to our PR person. It's not really funny, but the "what the fuck!?" factor if this were made into a prank press release could be priceless.

So yeah, not funny, just random. But worth using to cause office chaos in the Ann Mason Building.

Submitted by darko at 2006-06-24 02:51:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

George Mason invented the peanutbutter.

Submitted by ASO at 2006-05-12 03:07:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

xjjfgxchkgcgchkgchgcghcghjcghcchjccjcgjchcgcccccccccccc?

Submitted by BurnTheHobo at 2006-04-19 09:18:47 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Fucking what a waste of my time.

Submitted by cuberat at 2006-04-06 16:52:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"...from a remote island called 'Cat-Piss Island' or as some like to call it (although they are totally wrong) 'Ireland.'"


You get a +2 just for this comment.



Submitted by darko at 2006-04-04 12:25:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-03 17:36:09 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Dreg (user info) at 2005-09-30 04:27:46 (#)
Ranking: 2

Wow, people really don't love you anymore.

Submitted by v8lover at 2006-04-04 12:17:26 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

what is wrong with you fucking idiots? this was just a bunch of random shit strewn together. anybody can write shit like this.

"Neptune's army of ninja mongooses (mongeese?) came down and thus recorded all the events which took place on the skin of a baby seal. The seal, however, was actually a nuclear device implanted by a superior race of ostriches blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"....THIS IS FUCKING RETARDED.

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You got that right, I didn't read more than two paragraphs. Fuck this is stupid...

Submitted by Zoidberg at 2006-04-03 11:31:17 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

subpar

EnragedBabboon was much better at this. And original.

Now everyone does these random stories.

Submitted by Method at 2006-04-02 15:31:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I'm gonna have to agree with Tony on this one, I don't know how it got on B@W. But then again, if I was in charge of that site, it would be full of even more retarded shit. God knows the stuff I find amusing when I'm high.

Submitted by Flapjacksupreme at 2006-04-02 14:55:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by DonovanMD at 2006-04-02 08:54:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Needed more alien cats!

Submitted by TonyMontana at 2006-04-02 06:35:18 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Jgreening, no it makes people like YOU the idiot for wanting it up there. Now tell everyone how much you bench/run/bike and yet still are just a flabby fuck-up with a zero chance of ever getting a girlfriend.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-04-02 01:28:23 EST (#)
Rating: 0

It's not random if it's true.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-04-01 23:05:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well Tony, it's B@W.

Guess that makes you the idiot.

Congrats on ANOTHER ONE, Stevie.

Submitted by TonyMontana at 2006-04-01 21:50:45 EST (#)
Rating: -2

what is wrong with you fucking idiots? this was just a bunch of random shit strewn together. anybody can write shit like this.

"Neptune's army of ninja mongooses (mongeese?) came down and thus recorded all the events which took place on the skin of a baby seal. The seal, however, was actually a nuclear device implanted by a superior race of ostriches blah blah blah blah blah blah blah"....THIS IS FUCKING RETARDED.

Submitted by Creepy_guy at 2006-04-01 10:31:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by phels97 (user info) at 2006-03-31 14:58:05 (#)
Ranking: -2

-2 just because im a former Uconn practice player for the basketball team, and they knocked my boys out of the tourney..hats off to them though because they played an amazing game.
_____________________________________

Idiot.

Submitted by EchoBoxing at 2006-03-31 23:43:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"I gained all my knowledge of geography from a waterlogged Risk board"






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risk has actually helped me on a few geography tests in the past. probably got me an extra letter grade.

Submitted by soccer at 2006-03-31 20:06:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I heart you.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-03-31 19:45:05 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Did anyone else hear about the guy that picked George Mason to go all the way because he mistook them for George Washington?

That guy RULES.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-03-31 19:37:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by phels97 (user info) at 2006-03-31 14:58:05 (#)
Ranking: -2

-2 just because im a former Uconn practice player for the basketball team, and they knocked my boys out of the tourney..hats off to them though because they played an amazing game.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You're a dickhead

Submitted by phels97 at 2006-03-31 14:58:05 EST (#)
Rating: -2

-2 just because im a former Uconn practice player for the basketball team, and they knocked my boys out of the tourney..hats off to them though because they played an amazing game.

Submitted by darko at 2006-03-31 14:44:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by darko at 2006-03-31 14:43:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

NOW, about De Integro...

Submitted by darko at 2006-03-31 14:43:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

better

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-03-31 14:36:51 EST (#)
Rating: 0

It's fixed now, Mr. Picky.

Submitted by darko at 2006-03-31 14:31:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by darko at 2006-03-31 14:30:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Besides, whouldn't the label be "If You're Ever" or something

Submitted by darko at 2006-03-31 14:29:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

No, you have it under Planets, not Planet series like you claim.

Submitted by darko at 2006-03-31 14:28:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Surely not I, I haven't read this.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-03-31 14:28:42 EST (#)
Rating: 0

And I didn't label the MOON as a planet. I labelled it under my Planet series.

DUH

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-03-31 14:26:10 EST (#)
Rating: 0

BUT WHOM SUBMITTED IT AND WHY?

Submitted by darko at 2006-03-31 09:22:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by darko at 2006-03-31 09:21:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You need to add this to your b@w label

Submitted by darko at 2006-03-31 06:31:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-03-31 06:15:05 (#)
Ranking: 2

FUCK YOU

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-03-31 06:15:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

FUCK YOU

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-03-31 06:06:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W (again)

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-03-30 18:12:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I like to fart in Mason jars, and seal them up quickly!

Submitted by firefly at 2006-03-30 16:41:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I like pancakes.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-03-30 15:26:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Stroke the Pony



Shit yeah.

Submitted by darko at 2006-03-30 15:01:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I sent this to the George Mason University website.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-03-30 14:45:09 EST (#)
Rating: 0

GO PONIES WOOOOO

Submitted by munkeypants at 2006-03-30 12:11:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

deadly with awesomenes.

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2006-03-30 12:06:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Holy Hell this was good!

I bow to you Steve, very consitantly humorus. Not like the bone in your arm, but rather funny.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2006-03-30 10:11:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I live fairly close to GMU.
I'm going to print this sumbitch out, make Copies, Many Copies™, and scatter them all over the campus.

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2006-03-30 09:32:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Educational.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2006-03-30 08:26:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

And I thought *I* was fucked in the head.

Submitted by Maddog at 2006-03-30 08:23:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Now THIS was some funny shit, mostly because I do know who George Mason is.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-03-30 08:14:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I DIDNT FUCKING READ THIS

Submitted by darko at 2006-03-30 07:35:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Not going to rea this

Submitted by SullyThePirate at 2006-03-30 06:54:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

George Mason is the guy who crashed the plane containing a nuclear device that was set to go off no matter what. He's a fucking hero. http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/24/characters/george_mason.shtml

Submitted by DCWoody at 2006-03-30 05:52:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

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Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-30 05:41:39 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-03-30 05:38:14 (#)
Ranking: 2

Not in Eastern Europe, damn communists...
---------------
I prayed for a communist once and God gave me a widescreen TV and said "isn't this much better?"

It was a compelling argument.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God's a bastard, I prayed for the downfall of communism and he stole my widescreen TV.

Submitted by Berty at 2006-03-30 05:41:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-03-30 05:38:14 (#)
Ranking: 2

Not in Eastern Europe, damn communists...
---------------
I prayed for a communist once and God gave me a widescreen TV and said "isn't this much better?"

It was a compelling argument.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-03-30 05:40:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

YOU DONT RETURN MY CALLS NOW?




I HATE YOU.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2006-03-30 05:38:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Not in Eastern Europe, damn communists...

Submitted by Berty at 2006-03-30 05:35:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Don't try and trick me with you're lies MJ. It's to do with masturbation isn't it?

*wheelspin*

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2006-03-30 05:34:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-03-30 05:19:18 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-30 04:57:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

Fucking hell he looks just like Apollo.
------------
Also, what does stroke the pony mean?

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"Stroke the pony" is Polish for "Friday Night's Alright for Fighting"

Submitted by Berty at 2006-03-30 05:19:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-03-30 04:57:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

Fucking hell he looks just like Apollo.
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Also, what does stroke the pony mean?

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-03-30 05:11:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-03-28 05:23:57 (#)
Ranking: 2

HOW DARE YOU POST ON THE SAME NIGHT I POST.


IT CLEARLY STATES IN OUR DIVORCE THAT I GET UBERSITE DURING THE WEEK, AND YOU GET IT ON THE WEEKENDS AND TWO WEEKS IN THE SUMMER



NOT MY FAULT, THE CUSTODY HEARINGS NEVER FAVOUR THE FATHER.

=======================

NOW I HAVE PROOF, IM GOING TO THE JUSTICE IN THE MORNING

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2006-03-30 05:10:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

No, seriously it does!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-03-30 05:06:03 EST (#)
Rating: 0

YOU'RE A LIAR.

QUIT LYING....LIAR.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2006-03-30 05:04:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That's so weird! My bumper sticker says "Stroke the pony"

Submitted by c1ndy at 2006-03-30 04:57:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking hell he looks just like Apollo.


Read your town charter, boy. `If food stuffs should touch the ground,
said food stuffs shall be turned over to the village idiot.' Since I
don't see him around, start shoveling!

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Rival