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"This is Why You Can't Get a Date"

Submitted by Ducky at 2006-04-06 17:25:36 EDT
Rating: 1.54 on 56 ratings (56 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

My best friend tries to help me with this- she really does- but her lack of tact, mixed with my lack of almost everything, doesn’t mix well. The next examples are for the one guy out there who read the title and clicked on this post thinking that maybe I’d be parting the red sea with some great explanation for him. Sorry dude……looks like we’re both screwed.

The bar.

I fucking hate the bar. I would rather be sitting in some smoky crap karaoke bar listening to some bad japanese rendition of ‘Peeeelings...nothing more than peeelings...' She takes me to the bar.

Her: Stop fucking crossing your arms. It makes you look unavailable. Loosen up.
Me: I’m afraid to, I might contract something.
Her: Good grief Lauren.
Me trying to loosen up by adopting ‘guy watching NFL playoffs stance’: Better?
Her: Well now you just look like a whore. Stop scowling and cross your legs. This is why you can’t get a date.

Real life.

The other day we’re at the tire store, a good idea because my front tires are so bald that the metal stripping is beginning to show, and in the soundtrack of my mine, I was getting tired of trying to ignore the rising crescendo of string instruments every time I went around a corner.

Drive to best friends house: time: 9am
KNOCK KNOCK
Boyfriend of best friend who only tolerates me because he loves her: Morning Lauren.
Me: Hey! Where’s your girlfriend?
Him: Er……in bed.
Me: Great.

Now I just have to say that I’m lucky that this girl puts up with as much as she does. I peer into the bedroom and stare at the lump under the pile of blankets. She doesn’t wake up well, but I’ve discovered something……you know that morning citrus burst facial cleanser that is guaranteed to get you happening for the day so you don’t go through your morning groggy? Well, a pillow over the face for about 20 seconds will do EXACTLY the same thing, less the clean face. Man will you be awake. If I could bottle that sensation, I’d make millions, guaranteed. So I leap on top of her and after 15 seconds of muffled screaming, everything goes quiet and as sure as the oven bell rings when the cake is ready to come out, a middle finger emerges from underneath the blankets. SUCCESS! And into the car we go.

The tire guy (I refuse to call him a mechanic) is removing my tires with one of those air compressed ‘‘wheep wheep’’ machines. I love those things. ‘‘Wheep, wheep, wheep, wheep!!’’ and the tire is off. Kick ass. It’s so much better than me struggling with a tire-iron with my father standing over me and shrieking.

Dad: Jesus Christ Lauren!!! A retarded monkey could do this!!!
Me: GOOD. YOU’’LL FIT IN NICELY.
*drops tire-iron and walks away*

Right, so where was I? Okay, so the tire guy is taking off the tires, and I’m standing there, fascinated (it doesn’t take much……cool noises and shiny objects are enough for me). Every time he loosens a bolt, I make a wheeping sound. Why do I do it?

Because I think I might be borderline retarded.

Machine: Wheep.
Me: Wheep!
Machine: Wheep.
Me: WHEEP!
Tire guy: blinks.
Best friend, staring at me, completely un-amused: This is why you can’t get a date.

I spit. She groans. I smile at her.

Her: You’ve got that disgusting grape leaf food crap stuck in your teeth
Me: Probably, and you know, they’re called dolmades btw...they’re actually quite good.
Her: They look and taste like shit. Do me a favour and stop offering them to homeless people when we pass them on the street. It scares them and embarrasses me.

I start looking on my clothing for a piece of loose thread, find one, wrench the side-mirror of my car over so I can see what I’m doing, and dislodge the food. She looks mortified.

Her: You are SOOOOOOO classy
Me, picking said residual grape leaf from my teeth: Thanks babe, I like to think so.



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Submitted by rob_berg at 2009-04-11 05:23:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I dig you.


Submitted by johnny.b.dumb at 2009-04-11 04:22:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

do you still draw?

Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-11 04:07:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

im starting to think you are a bit odd

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2008-03-31 15:08:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hooray!

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2007-01-11 12:34:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

haha, I love the air wrenches too.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-04-10 06:40:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm on holiday today. I may load up every NSFW link just because I can without IT getting all flustered about it.

Submitted by Berty at 2006-04-10 06:18:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-10 05:59:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

He's actually a 50 year old man Jason. I've camped outside his house pretending to be an owl and watching him touch his jub jub.
----------
You filthy cocker spanial! I should have known those hoots were too regular to be a real owl.

So anyway, I'm gonna mark your answer down in Berty's Big Book O' Knowledge as the second option. It's pretty much the same thing and this way I don't have to break open a second ink blotter pack.

Caligraphy is teh r00xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxor.

Women are like arseholes. You can put your cock in them if you like but it's probably a bad idea to insert a pool cue into one.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-04-10 06:03:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Um, actually, it's more of a "she's active and likes sports to a point, enjoys dirt from time to time, and can relax, knowing she looks good, even without Gucci and Prada" kind of thing.




I just hate women who think that they need to be dolled up 24/7.

Quickish story.

I know one gal from Benny's who I took out on ONE date.
One of the few times I broke my rule of "hot" women.

I called at 3PM on Saturday, looking to push back the pickup time from 7P to 7:30P because I wasn't going to finish helping my Dad lay sod on time, and wanted to clean up.


She was ALREADY getting ready, 4 hours before the fact. Had to get the hair right, the outfit right, had a friend coming over to do makeup, needed to buy new shoes for it yadda yadda.

I asked her what the hell all that was for, since it was her suggestion to go downtown and hit Lucky Strike lanes (nightclub and bowling alley. Pretty nifty)

She said she had to look her tip-top best in case any girls she knew saw her...

On a date with a guy, worried about how her friends see her...

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too shallow.

Current gal I see occasionally just enjoys going to a movie, then a walk to whatever bar downtown we find an interest in. Doesn't get dolled up. Wears jeans, and a t-shirt or a non-dressy regular shirt. Looks AMAZING in anything she wears.


And yes, she looks outSTANDing in a baseball cap.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-04-10 05:59:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

He's actually a 50 year old man Jason. I've camped outside his house pretending to be an owl and watching him touch his jub jub.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-04-10 05:58:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Berty is in a funny mood today.

Submitted by Berty at 2006-04-10 05:53:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Is the ponytail/baseball cap thing some kind of weird Terminator 2 thing? Or is it more of a "She's a girly but understands what it means to be a man! Go SOX WOOOOOO!"?

Submitted by Berty at 2006-04-10 05:51:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'm 17. Me and my girlfriend are in True Love and we are going to get married and have children and buy a house. She's going to go to university and be a doctor and I'm going to drop out of school and learn to be a stay at home dad. It will be awesome.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-04-10 05:46:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And on a beside, my likes and dislikes are based more on breeding, it seems.

Skinny chicks with thin hips and no chest or a fake one don't seem the child-bearing type, you know?


I wont a gal who'd rather buy an interesting piece of art or furniture than one who needed the hot new clothing style every 3 months.


Oh, and she has to look good in a ponytail in a baseball hat. That is as close to a MUST as I can find...










But it's not a ghey thing, I swear.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-04-10 05:44:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

How the hell old are you, berty?

I thought you were in my range, mid-20's...

Submitted by Berty at 2006-04-10 05:26:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I like my answer better. You are older than me though Jay, so that may have relevance.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-04-10 05:11:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My comment on the "guy wants hot chick but is afraid" thing.


I'm 6'3" currently 310.
Personality out the wazzoo with people I know.
Scared to death of interaction with people I don't.



But anyway, most of you won't believe this, and many will say "it's because you're a loser and know you won't get it"

I do not like the SUPER attractive women I know.
And I know quite a few from old jobs and my hangouts.
Friends, good and all yes. Lovers, girlfriends? Shit no.
My ideal gal is someone around 5'6" to 5"11"ish, a bit bigger than normal. I don't mean fat and sloppy, just I prefer a bit of meat. I'm afraid I'd break smallish, skinny women.
Also, brunette AND redhead over blonde. Natural blonde over dye-job. I fucking HATE dyejob blondes. They NEVER look better than natural colors.


So, uh... yeah.

Submitted by Berty at 2006-04-10 04:59:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've heard this before, and I still don't fucking understand it. Every guy wants a hot girl, but are intimidated by them. What gives?
-----------
Haven't you ever heard Creep? It's all in there.

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
----
Boys are all mentally ill.

Submitted by Merlina at 2006-04-10 04:35:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*smile*

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2006-04-07 20:00:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-07 16:37:11 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:55:53 (#)
Ranking: 2

my wifey makes a killer stuffed grape leaf.
--------
You ARE a stuffed grape leaf, Brian.
----------------------------------
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHA rad's name is Brian. That's funny. Nice name beekeeper, what, did your parents lose a bet??

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-04-07 16:37:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-07 15:55:53 (#)
Ranking: 2

my wifey makes a killer stuffed grape leaf.
--------
You ARE a stuffed grape leaf, Brian.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-04-07 15:55:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

my wifey makes a killer stuffed grape leaf.


Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2006-04-07 15:26:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Machine: Wheep.
Me: Wheep!
Machine: Wheep.
Me: WHEEP!

Submitted by MistressFist at 2006-04-07 15:18:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Men are overrated anyways, hon. Stick to the dildo.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2006-04-07 13:47:26 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

This is hard to do because I like this guy, but it must be done.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2006-04-07 13:33:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2006-04-07 11:17:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Well, I don't really know, MJ, but she seems kinda mean. There was this one time, at Aaron Spelling Camp, that I stood up and spelt beastiality and everyone just blinked and I said wft and the producer said cut cut cut it's wtf dipshit and even though I was reeeally embarrassed and shit I still had the grace and good manners to say well why don't you all just get fucked you bunch of blue veined junket pumpers (stay with me here mj, there's a moral) and even though it dawned on me at precisely that moment before the brackets that Aaron Spelling Camp wasn't about knowing five syllable words I still held my head high and walked straight out to the pay phone and rang my folks and said can you please pick me up this is fucking Jake and Dylan auditions.

The whole way home Mum and Dad assured me I was at least as handsome as Steve Sanders..

bless their hearts, but ultimately they just made me feel even older.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2006-04-07 10:54:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:05:11 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:36:43 (#)
Ranking: 0

Maybe you can't get a date because you're a burly diesel dyke. Just a musing.
---------------------------------------------
More tips from uber's very own Jennifer Garth. Just a musing. Hey Lisa, I thought you'd packed your turtlenecks and armani and had fucked the fuck fuck off?.... hang on, I think I was meant to do the same.... hmmmmmmmm... okay, I'll see your not fucking the fuck fuck off and raise you one me not fucking the fuck fuck off.... wait...... maybe I should fold... *frowns...* have a +2 Ducky because I'm confused. Lisa? your roots are showing. *cue shlongy hopping down back stairs trying to pull on shoes..*
-----
What a cow

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2006-04-07 09:05:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:36:43 (#)
Ranking: 0

Maybe you can't get a date because you're a burly diesel dyke. Just a musing.
---------------------------------------------
More tips from uber's very own Jennifer Garth. Just a musing. Hey Lisa, I thought you'd packed your turtlenecks and armani and had fucked the fuck fuck off?.... hang on, I think I was meant to do the same.... hmmmmmmmm... okay, I'll see your not fucking the fuck fuck off and raise you one me not fucking the fuck fuck off.... wait...... maybe I should fold... *frowns...* have a +2 Ducky because I'm confused. Lisa? your roots are showing. *cue shlongy hopping down back stairs trying to pull on shoes..*


Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2006-04-07 09:03:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Shlongy at 2006-04-07 08:55:58 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

This said nothing.

You also can't get a date because you write crap like this.

Submitted by Maddog at 2006-04-07 08:51:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It's "Feeeee-rings, ro, ro, ro, Feeeee-rings".

Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues at 2006-04-07 08:51:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-04-06 23:02:40 (#)
Ranking: 2

Ha ha ha

The other reason chicks don't get asked out on dates? Too attractive, men figure they'll get shot down or something.

Bizzare I know
--------------------------
I've heard this before, and I still don't fucking understand it. Every guy wants a hot girl, but are intimidated by them. What gives?

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2006-04-07 08:30:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Personally, I always thought it was more of a "whirrrt whirrrt" sound....

Submitted by MichelleNJ at 2006-04-07 08:02:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hahaha...
My best friend is hard to get up as well. I used to have to turn on all the lights, blast country music, and litterally drag her ass out of the bed and onto the floor to get her up.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-04-07 04:50:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hmmm. Classy.

Submitted by Berty at 2006-04-07 04:33:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You could just put your details on Uber and I can gaurentee that by tommorow you're mailbox will contain half a dozen desperate pleas for love, a pig heart, a small beaker of milky white fluid and "Drink Me!" scrawled crudly on the side and two pieces of hate mail.

Seriously though, you're a pretty and wuvvely girly girl. It is only a matter of time until you dominate the thoughts of some underconfident nerd-boy with a nice smile and enormous tounge.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2006-04-07 04:09:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Because you're special... WHEEP!

Submitted by Lisa at 2006-04-06 23:36:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Maybe you can't get a date because you're a burly diesel dyke. Just a musing.

Submitted by pragmatic at 2006-04-06 23:02:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ha ha ha

The other reason chicks don't get asked out on dates? Too attractive, men figure they'll get shot down or something.

Bizzare I know

Submitted by LadyJay at 2006-04-06 21:35:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"a middle finger emerges from underneath the blankets. SUCCESS! And into the car we go. "



Submitted by Psycosis at 2006-04-06 19:04:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

wheep wheep.. awesome.

Submitted by Shmee51 at 2006-04-06 18:58:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ahaha, freakin great, although I do agree... hell just reading this I like your style... let guys into this part of you and you'll have dates like crazy.

Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2006-04-06 18:20:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I call bullshit you not getting a date.

Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2006-04-06 18:15:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

At least you sound like fun. Goes to find a picture.

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2006-04-06 18:14:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"after 15 seconds of muffled screaming"


That's fucked up, dude.

Submitted by awesome_face at 2006-04-06 18:08:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Vagina +2.

Submitted by BadAssJulie at 2006-04-06 18:05:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by runswithscissors at 2006-04-06 17:59:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-06 17:29:04 (#)
Ranking: 2

wheeeeeeeeeeeep

wheeeeep wheeeep wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Submitted by darko at 2006-04-06 17:53:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

And while you may not be able to get a date, most guys would love to date a girl like you.

Submitted by c1ndy at 2006-04-06 17:45:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

heh

Submitted by AwesomeJohnson at 2006-04-06 17:41:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

needs more proof reading.

Submitted by EntityErased at 2006-04-06 17:35:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Eh, mildly amusing.

Submitted by darko at 2006-04-06 17:33:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Very nice.

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2006-04-06 17:29:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

wheeeeeeeeeeeep

wheeeeep wheeeep wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Submitted by EchoBoxing at 2006-04-06 17:28:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

i'm always happier when shitfuck is around.

Submitted by shitfuck at 2006-04-06 17:26:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


You can't get a date because you're a sparkling fucking faggot.


As far as anyone knows we're a nice, normal family.

-- Homer Simpson
There's No Disgrace Like Home