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You Win THIS Time, But We'll Meet Again!

Submitted by Teephphah at 2006-04-06 23:49:57 EDT
Rating: 1.57 on 80 ratings (80 reviews) (Review this item) (V)


The other day, my wife and I were going over our "lists." By "lists" I am, of course, referring to the list of celebrities that either of us are allowed to sleep with if the opportunity ever presents itself.

I'm really not quite sure how I got suckered into having such a conversation with my wife; normally I am far too clever to let myself get roped into such a festering, land-mine strewn morass of "abandon hope all ye who enter here." No man can safely have a "talk" with their spouse about what other woman they would like to sleep with. Making that information public is going to come back and bite you in the ass, no matter what countermeasures you take. You know it will.

Nevertheless (and I can only assume as the result of some powerful Jedi mind-trick) I found myself engaged in just such a conversation with my wife. Naturally, she made me go first. She had used her feminine wiles to convince me that I was in a safe place and that anything I might disclose could not and would not be used against me in future arguments.

I am an incredibly naive man sometimes.

Anyway, keeping the story to a manageable length, you should know that I had your typical model types like Elizabeth Hurley or Elle MacPherson on my list. I also had a few musicians and a couple movie stars. In hindsight, it wasn't that great a list. I'm sure I could have done better if I'd been given more time to research my options, but in a pressure situation like that, it is quick decision making that saves lives.

As I say, I was not completely satisfied with the list of potential fuck-bunnies that I had submitted for my wife's review and approval. I was certain that I could have done better had I been allowed more time, but then, as an aside to the qualitative aspect of my list, I had a moment of brief, blinding terror that this whole thing had been a set-up and that my wife would not even have a list of her own.

Things may have been better between us if that had been the case.

Because when she responded to my demand that she produce her own list of the desirable manflesh whose consumption I must allow, she answered my request with one word.

That word?


"Sting."


I came back at her with, "aaaaaaaand?"


To which she responded, "Sting."


"You want to sleep with Sting twice?" I asked, not even suspecting my own ineptitude at this point.


My wife put her arm around me and explained that it was probably better that we not explore what sort of things she wanted to do with Sting. She also explained very slowly and with small words that I was able to understand that the entire content of her list, which contained ten slots she could fill with all sorts of hunky celebrity studmuffin, bore only one name, and that name was Sting.

I wasn't quite sure how to take this information at first. If she'd had a list of ten different guys, I could live with that. It would clearly be an exercise in fantasy.

This?

This sounded like she had plans.


Based on the foregoing, I did what any rational reasonable man would do.

I got incredibly drunk.

Following that, I walked my way patiently through the steps a person is supposed to go through when they confront loss, you know, anger, denial, bargaining (I told her she could have Jennifer Anniston, but she turned me down), and finally I reached acceptance.

Hell, I can't compete with Sting. He is better than I am. Just all around better.

But just for fun, let's take a look at all the ways Sting is better than I am.


First, he's a musician. I'm not.

He was in the Police, one of the greatest bands of all time and he's also put out some pretty amazing work on his own. He plays multiple instruments.

Conversely, I've never been in a band and play no instruments.

Point: Sting


Second, in the area of endorsements –

Sting gets paid actual, real, live, cash money to ride around and say that he like Jaguars.

Conversely, I have a hard time justifying my mileage on my expense report. Couldn't I have taken a company vehicle?

Also, unlike Sting, I have to pay for my own car, and it isn't a Jag. Fucker.

Point: Sting


Third, looks –

Sting looks like Sting. Some might call him "handsome." Still others might say, "fit." My wife just calls him "Ui, Papi!" and points me in the direction of internet rumors about his ginormous peener.

I, on the other hand, do not look like Sting. Unless, that is, Sting suddenly started to develop love-handles and some inexplicable mid-life acne thing that I have going on. In that case, I too look like Sting. A consequence of which would be the conclusion that I too have a ginormous peener. Q.E.D.

Point: Sting


Fourth, tantric sex –

Sting practices some weird yoga thing where both sex and orgasms can last for days.

I practice a form of sex where both sex and orgasm can last for seconds, followed by my pasty white and sweaty ass falling asleep on her.

Point: Sting


Fifth, languages –

Sting speaks, or at least sings in several different languages. He's got French, Italian, Spanish – you know, the "romance" languages. Rowrrrrr. Sexxxxxy.

Me? I've got a middling control of English. I took two semesters of French in college. I got C's.

Point: Sting (grudgingly)


Sixth, names –

Sting was born with two or more real names. He has, however, since abandoned or outgrown them. Now he is among the elite of the world who only need one name like: Madonna, Cher, Napoleon, Shaq or Stiffler.

I was born with three names. I still have them, and none of them are sexy or exciting.


Seventh, the Simpsons -

Sting has appeared on the Simpsons at least once.

I have not. Some have claimed that I resemble a Simpsons character due to the odd yellowish hue of my skin (I've been meaning to get that looked at) and my lack of distinguishable chin. So once again . . .

Point: Sting


Finally, movie roles –

Sting played Feyd in Dune.

I did not play Feyd in Dune. I did, however, play the red-winged black-bird in a play my third-grade class put on in the annual Spring Pageant. Unfortunately, after shopping the script around, we were unable to find a producer, so, no SAG card for me.

Point: We are actually going to call this one a tie, because while I did not play Feyd in Dune, that also means that I didn't have the creepy Baron Harkonen guy checking me out either. So, it’s a draw.


So, looking at the comparisons between what my wife has and what she wants, I can't really fault her. Rather, I'm forced to admire her good taste. This critical analysis of myself as opposed to Sting has also made me realize something else: My odds of scoring with Heidi Klum are just not good. The possibility exists that I have been deluding myself all this time.


Hold on. Wait a cotton-picking minute.

"All this time?"

That's not a fucking Sting lyric, is it?

It fucking is, isn't it? ISN'T IT?!

I should have known there was no fucking getting away from that guy.


Curse you Sting! You win this time, but we WILL meet again!


sting2.jpg
sting2.jpg


Review This Item

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Reviews


Submitted by Lianne260987 at 2006-08-25 05:31:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Good.

Submitted by alwayspeach1 at 2006-07-07 16:25:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Funny. Nice writing and flow.

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2006-06-13 17:10:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by awesome_face at 2006-05-04 12:48:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was great. I really liked this one.

Submitted by lucid at 2006-04-24 18:32:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EatMeCompletely at 2006-04-21 16:53:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've read this before. Hope you didn't plagiarize.

Submitted by MANICMOTHER at 2006-04-20 22:51:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Kidmc at 2006-04-20 07:31:11 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Your wife has very bad taste in men , Not like id lok at a guy just saying if i was to (which woul dnever happen) Ever , Sting would never be it? Im fucked up

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-04-18 21:16:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I SUBMITTED THIS TO B@W THREE TIMES TWO YEARS AGO BART YOU ARSEWIPE!


Submitted by wardy at 2006-04-17 21:47:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

teeph -- it's bill paxton. i know what you mean though, they do seem very similar. is this your first time b@w? it is always such a great feeling that first time. well, it feels pretty great the second time too. not real sure what it feels like the third time, but i'm sure it's similar to whatever it feels like to be a charm...

Submitted by BranDo at 2006-04-14 20:02:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ooopps.

Submitted by BranDo at 2006-04-14 20:02:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Late anyway, this. I've seen the man with the police and a lot of times after that and he's, well ehm Sting!

Great writing.

Keep it up.

Submitted by Mrdurden24 at 2006-04-14 15:22:23 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

your wife has bad taste in men

Submitted by captaincrunch00 at 2006-04-14 15:07:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Isnt this the third time this has been posted?

Submitted by Teephphah at 2006-04-13 11:59:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Thanks Wardy.

And Bart.

And the Acadamy.

And my stylist, and my personal trainer.

And my yogi.

And Harvey Weinstein.

And the Descendents.

And Bill Pullman for his wonderful work in "Twister." Or was that the other Bill? I can never keep those two straight.

And to my wife . . . for the impure thoughts that have allowed me to prove that other people find my inadequacies funny the second time around.

And to my tantric proctologist.

And to . . . to all of you . . . You're ambivilent about me, you REALLY don't care about me too much one way or the other!

Thanks you.

Submitted by wardy at 2006-04-13 01:51:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i am happy inside because i sent this link to bart. doesn't matter if anyone else did or if he came upon it himself, it still means i kick ass.


yay.

Submitted by thorpe at 2006-04-13 01:20:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:18:39 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-04-07 03:18:34 (#)
Ranking: 1

I have it from two gynaecologists, in Sydney, that Nicole Kidman is a hermaphrodite.
---------------
Its quite possible. Certain types of hermaphrodite(oh yes, theres more than one way to be a shemale) are unable to produce testosterone and thus become incredibly feminised and beutiful.
---------------

You haven't seen eyes wide shut?

Submitted by c1ndy at 2006-04-11 15:45:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Please tell me this is a repost?

Submitted by retrospect at 2006-04-11 14:41:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

oh. so he is itchy?

Submitted by darko at 2006-04-11 14:37:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

He admitted to reposting it.

Submitted by retrospect at 2006-04-11 14:28:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by darko at 2006-04-11 13:53:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-04-08 03:34:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Thanks Rad.

Now I have astroglide and Peon's mams in my mind and I just wanna lube 'em up and whip out m... *ejaculate*


FUCK SAKES.

That's the fourth time!

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-04-08 03:28:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

one word for you peon.



astroglide.

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2006-04-08 01:06:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ask your wife if she REALLY wants all that tantric sex.

I think the chaffing would be to much to bare after 6 hours or so.

Submitted by Bigmike at 2006-04-08 00:35:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I thought she was talking about the wrestler.


I stopped listening to Sting after "Walking on the moon".

His music makes my head hurt.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2006-04-07 23:15:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I read this someplace before...or somethimg like it but with a different celebrity.

I dunno.

GO BEER WOO!

Submitted by ghola at 2006-04-07 20:43:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahahaHA.

you know... i never thought he was attractive. i guess i'm too young to see it.

Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl at 2006-04-07 18:52:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

this was funny....
although sorta scary that you gave it so much thought!!

Submitted by MrSparkle847 at 2006-04-07 18:38:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sting played Feyd in Dune.

I did not play Feyd in Dune. I did, however, play the red-winged black-bird in a play my third-grade class put on in the annual Spring Pageant.
_____________________

Hahahah

Submitted by Istaros at 2006-04-07 18:33:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Sting sucks.

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2006-04-07 18:25:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-07 17:11:53 (#)
Ranking: 2

My wife and I have lists too. Who's on the top of hers? The Rock.


GYP!
--------
Harsh

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-04-07 18:16:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sting played Feyd in Dune.
-------
I WILLLLLLL KILL YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2006-04-07 17:11:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My wife and I have lists too. Who's on the top of hers? The Rock.


GYP!

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2006-04-07 16:13:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was just fantastic. On a side note, I too would sleep with Sting. I heard it was only ghey if your balls touch together, is there any truth to that?

Submitted by ubetidid at 2006-04-07 16:05:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

sting doesn't do a damn thing for me. i liked the drummer from the Police wayyy more. tall guy. hot. had great lips.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-04-07 16:02:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sting is a rat bastard...

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2006-04-07 15:12:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Silly Rabbit, Sting is my nickname

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2006-04-07 14:48:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:58:32 (#)
Ranking: 2

shit, I'D sleep with him.

----

for tantric sex who wouldn't?

And by "feminine wiles" do you mean breasts?

Submitted by kaos-king at 2006-04-07 14:15:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Haha, Gordon Sumner.

You know he was a school teacher before he was in the Police?

Imagine saying Sting taught you algebra...

Submitted by jack11058 at 2006-04-07 11:58:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

shit, I'D sleep with him.

Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues at 2006-04-07 11:49:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:26:56 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:57:51 (#)
Ranking: -2

Fuck you too.

I'm done.
______________________________________________________________

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

Submitted by wardy at 2006-04-07 11:37:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i'll kill sting for you if that holds up.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2006-04-07 11:31:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

YOU MADE ETS RETIRE???

+2's for life if it holds up.

Submitted by Teephphah at 2006-04-07 11:26:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:57:51 (#)
Ranking: -2

Fuck you too.

I'm done.
______________________________________________________________

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2006-04-07 10:57:51 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Fuck you too.

I'm done.

Submitted by leilani at 2006-04-07 10:56:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-07 10:20:53 (#)
Ranking: 2


-----------
Same here, minus Adrien Brody. I'm subing Jake Gyllenfuckmesidewayshal for him.
------

mmmmm. more delicious man for ME!

Submitted by firefly at 2006-04-07 10:48:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by congo at 2006-04-07 10:32:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

In our house, the lists are only 5 long.

And two of my spots are taken up by ladies from the Game Show Network.

Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues at 2006-04-07 10:20:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:23:28 (#)
Ranking: 2

i'd do sting.

and george clooney, even though he's almost as old as shlongy

and edward norton

and definitely DEFINITELY adrien brody.

uhm.... what was this post about again!!??
-----------
Same here, minus Adrien Brody. I'm subing Jake Gyllenfuckmesidewayshal for him.

Submitted by MistressFist at 2006-04-07 09:48:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:23:28 (#)
Ranking: 2

i'd do sting.

and george clooney, even though he's almost as old as shlongy
============
i'd do them both...

in the pooper

Submitted by Shlongy at 2006-04-07 09:41:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

If I stand on my wallet, we're the same height. Only I'm better looking.

Submitted by itchy at 2006-04-07 09:29:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-07 09:23:28 (#)
Ranking: 2

i'd do sting.

and george clooney, even though he's almost as old as shlongy

and edward norton

and definitely DEFINITELY adrien brody.

uhm.... what was this post about again!!??
____________________________________________________

Theivery. That's what this post was about. Outright theft.

This bastard ripped off one of MY posts, fixed a few spelling and content errors and tried to pass it off as his/her own! Well FUCK YOU Teephphphphphah whatever the fuck your name is!


Also, Note To Self: Remember to refill prescription for anti-psychotics. MPD symptoms beginning to manifest again.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2006-04-07 09:24:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I hated Sting enough before this but now I'm convinced.

Submitted by leilani at 2006-04-07 09:23:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i'd do sting.

and george clooney, even though he's almost as old as shlongy

and edward norton

and definitely DEFINITELY adrien brody.

uhm.... what was this post about again!!??

Submitted by Teephphah at 2006-04-07 09:12:25 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-07 08:57:55 (#)
Ranking: 2

Yeah...Sting sure won this contest.

On a side note, hit the fucking gym, flabby.
__________________________________________________

Fuck you short-stack. You try growing taller and then we'll talk.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2006-04-07 08:57:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah...Sting sure won this contest.

On a side note, hit the fucking gym, flabby.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2006-04-07 08:52:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ROOXXXXXANNE

YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THE RED LIGHT

Hell, *I'd* sleep with Sting, and I'm not even gay.

Submitted by MichelleNJ at 2006-04-07 08:22:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Now he is among the elite of the world who only need one name like: Madonna, Cher, Napoleon, Shaq or Stiffler."

Hehehe- Stiffler.

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2006-04-07 08:18:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by phauna (user info) at 2006-04-07 03:18:34 (#)
Ranking: 1

I have it from two gynaecologists, in Sydney, that Nicole Kidman is a hermaphrodite.
---------------
Its quite possible. Certain types of hermaphrodite(oh yes, theres more than one way to be a shemale) are unable to produce testosterone and thus become incredibly feminised and beutiful.

Submitted by Grimm at 2006-04-07 08:02:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Very, very, very good.

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2006-04-07 07:50:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Curse you Sting!
Shop him for being an alien,oooohhh, an illegal Alien.

Submitted by angel_2k01 at 2006-04-07 06:20:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i actually read all of that.....and liked it

Submitted by hairycoo at 2006-04-07 05:48:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Zol at 2006-04-07 05:39:04 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

What a shit game. No please.


Now u have to kill the bitch and "Stink" too.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-04-07 05:38:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Geordie Pride.



He would sleep with Alan Shearer though.

THAT'S how cool Big Al is.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-04-07 05:37:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HOORAY FOR GEORDIES!!!

Submitted by Berty at 2006-04-07 04:44:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

One of my bestest friends once said "I would sleep with Sting."

I said "Really? Why?"

His eloquent reply was "Just because. You'd be able to say 'I slept with Sting. Besides, he's an immortal."

He is as well. He hasn't aged on 20 years.

Submitted by Merlina at 2006-04-07 04:05:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

god dammit Sting is so hot.

Submitted by wardy at 2006-04-07 03:43:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i bet whatever i have in my back left pants pocket that phauna doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. or she. either one, how the fuck am i supposed to know?

Submitted by phauna at 2006-04-07 03:18:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

I have it from two gynaecologists, in Sydney, that Nicole Kidman is a hermaphrodite.

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2006-04-07 02:58:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I would DEFINITELY go there

Submitted by EntityErased at 2006-04-07 02:24:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Sting kind of looks like he rolled out of bed.
A bed of dirt.
He looks dirty.
Does that arouse the ladies?

Submitted by Saxon at 2006-04-07 02:19:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I have a feeling you have dashed any hope i had of sleeping with Nicole Kidman.

Submitted by Crystle at 2006-04-07 01:33:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

rrrrrrrrrrrrowr.


Aaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiii Papi!


mmmmmmmmmm Sting.


I have nothing more to say.


mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Submitted by NerfHerder at 2006-04-07 00:20:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You'll find Sting in your sexual fantasies soon enough.

Submitted by wardy at 2006-04-07 00:13:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W.

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2006-04-06 23:55:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Can't be bothered reading it, I'll just assume that it is good.

Aren't ratings REALLY insignificant?

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2006-04-06 23:55:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dare I say....?

B@W

Submitted by Teephphah at 2006-04-06 23:52:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

What?

I heard we could repost stuff now.


You don't know what it's like -- I'm the one out there every day
putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of
order! The whole freaking system is out of order!

-- Homer Simpson
Secrets of a Successful Marriage