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I Don’t Want to Relocate Him. I Want to Kill the Motherfucker

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-26 22:36:13 EDT
Rating: 1.66 on 131 ratings (131 reviews) (Review this item) (V)




*RingRing*

"Good afternoon, Acme Pest Elimination. This is Nancy. How may I help you today?"

Me: Yes I need you to kill something that’s bothering me. It's a total pest. It’s Matt. I need you to kill Matt. He's the one that's pestering me.

Nancy: Okay, how many rats do you think are in the infestation? Seven? Twelve? Thirteen? More than thirteen?

Me: I didn’t say rats. I said Matt.

Nancy:…Please tell me Matt is a nickname you’ve given one of the rats.

Me: He could be a rat. If he were a rat, he’d be the biggest, ugliest, tick-ridden rat that ever ratted. He’d be king of the rats. Time for the king to die. So? Can you kill him or can’t you? And how much is this going to cost because as much as I want to kill him, I don’t want to spend that much money on his death. Maybe on the disposal of his corpse, but definitely not on his death. Anyone can shoot some one and dump his body in the woods, but it takes some real skill to chop off the limbs and dump it in an acid bath...

Nancy: Click.

Me: Nancy? Did you just say click? I could’ve sworn we were going some where with this…galactic cunt….


*RingRing*

"Edmonton Exterminators. This is Tim."

Me: Hello Tim. Do you know Nancy at Acme Pest? She’s a huge bitch. Galactic cunt. What crawled up her ass and died? The last time I dealt with a bitch that nasty was when that crazy lady started beating me with an umbrella for stealing her thoughts. I wasn’t stealing her thoughts. I was just borrowing them until mine came back.

Tim: Is there a point to this call?

Me: Well, Tim, I need something done for me. What do you charge for killing Matts? Does it depend on the size or on how hard it is to kill it? Does the price go up if he runs into the woods and escapes on a hovercraft? Do you have hovercraft insurance?

Tim: Rats? We don’t have rats here in Alberta. Bats maybe, but no rats.

Me: Nancy said there were rats.

Time: Who the hell is Nancy?

Me: Forget about Nancy. Nancy’s dead. Nancy’s gone. She’s dead and gone. This is about Matt now. Can you get rid of Matt for me?

Tim: Matt who? What the hell are you talking about? We exterminate termites and other insects. Are you talking about a person?

Me: I wouldn’t call him a person. He’s a giant walking boob. He’s just a blob of fat, covered in skin and hair. His nose is the nipple and it keeps leaking. I want to break his nose like a frozen nipple. He’s just a big cancerous tit and I want him chopped off.

Tim: Don’t call here ever again ranting about tits.

Me: Or what? You’ll tell Nancy what I said about her? Good. I hate Nancy and her shitty hair cut. Does she cut it herself or something? That’s like a five-dollar haircut. I could get a better haircut from a thumbless, blind drunk down on the corner.

Tim: Whacko.

Me: Nancy-lover.


*RingRing*

"Maritime Pest Control. How may I direct your call?"

Me: Shit. Did I just call the Maritimes? I have a shitty long-distance plan and this could cost me. At least tell me this is the good part of the Maritimes. Do you have clams there? I ate some bad clams once. I woke up three days later on a bus to Las Vegas with some chick named Ramona. What a nightmare THAT was. It could have been the clams. Or it could have been the huge joint I smoked before I ate them. Either way, is this the Maritimes or not?

Mystery Person: No, sir. We’re just called Maritime Pest Control.

Me: So you kill manatees and shit? Like if a manatee had moved in next door and was playing his Jay Z CDs all night, you’d kill him and dump his body in the lake? I’m assuming manatees float. Do you tie rocks to them like you would a bag of dead puppies?

Mystery Person: I don’t think manatees live on land, sir.

Me: Who do you keep calling sir? Do I sound like a knight to you? Like I’m on some crusade? Well I am on a crusade. If you want to help my crusade, I need to talk to some one about exterminating a large mammal that’s been lurking around my place of business.

Mystery Person of Mystery: I’m not sure what we can do about large mammals, but I’ll see who I can get to answer you question.

Me: Sure thing. Take all the time in the world. I'm only a man on a crusade here.

On Hold Music: …Wasted away again in Margaritaville, Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt. Some people claim that there's a woman to blame, But I know it's nobody's fault…

"Hello this is Ross."

Me: Ross do you ever confuse Jimmy Buffet with Warren Buffet? Sometimes I do. It’s my secret shame. Even more shameful than eating that handful of cat litter when I was nine.

Ross: One’s rich. One’s a scumbag. Not hard to tell the difference.

Me: Would you rather live on the beach and right terrible songs or live in a mansion and have people wash your ass for you?

Ross: What does this have to do with exterminating a large mammal?

Me: Right. Okay. I need to have a large ape-like creature killed before it kills me or I kill it with my bare hands and an array of plastic spoons. Have you ever scooped out another man’s eye with a plastic spoon, Ross?

Ross: Can’t say I have. I don’t think we…wait…Ape? Are you talking about Bigfoot?

Me: His feet are pretty big. Does Bigfoot have a really bad fat-guy goatee? Walk around wearing sweaty t-shirts? Eat all your chips? Have really dumb ears and talks to cats? Strange cats?

Ross: I’ve never seen Bigfoot.

Me: What about the Sasquatch?

Ross: No. They're the same.

Me: No they're not. One's Bigfoot, the other is Sasquatch. One eats berries and twigs and the other rips your face off and replaces it with a paste of honey, leaves and your own lungs.

Ross: I'm not here to debate about Bigfoot. I'm here to answer real questions about real pest problems. I'm hanging up if this conversation doesn't get to a point and fast.

Me: Hmm. Is Bill or Joe there?

Ross: Bill’s here. Joe doesn’t work here anymore. How do you know Bill?

Me: That’s between Bill, me and the Vietnamese prostitute. And maybe the goat. I really don't know how much the goat remembers since he was drugged the entire time. Tell Bill I hope that thing with his ass and that crazy rash works out okay. Who would have known it could spread THAT fast.

Ross: Okay? Um, if you’re having a problem with Bigfoot, you should try calling the wildlife officer. Or a mental hospital. Do you live near a park or something? Is that why you think you see Bigfoot.

Me: I don’t think I see Bigfoot. I work with Bigfoot. He sits next to me and blows his nose all night like a foghorn. Frankly, I don’t think any ships are going to crash into our office anytime soon but if they are we’re sure as fuck are safe.

Ross:…I’ll tell Bill you said hi.

Me: Fuck Bill. I hate that asshole and his anal warts. He’s named them all, you know. The little one is named Ross Junior. And the big one is named Ross Senior. What the hell did you ever do to Bill, Ross? Did you shit on his car? Put worms in his coffee? Huh? Huh? What?

Ross: Clicky-click


*RingRing*

"Alberta Fish and Game Association. This is Carl. How can I help you?"

Me: Yes, I need to get rid of a giant, naked ape that keeps impeding my progress. He drives a real shitty car. I don’t know shit about cars other than his is big, shitty and leaks oil all over the place. Does that narrow it down? Big, shitty human in a big, shitty car?

Carl: We can’t relocate humans, sir.

Me: I don’t want to relocate him. I want to kill the motherfucker.

Carl: I’m hanging up now.

Me: Fuck you, Carl. You have sex with dogs.






killsmorepeoplethancancer.jpg
killsmorepeoplethancancer.jpg


Review This Item

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Comment:




Reviews


Submitted by Mike00295 at 2008-12-18 11:35:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by kuroneko_sama at 2007-03-14 01:30:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

amused me

Submitted by proletaire at 2007-03-14 01:15:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I liked so much that text that I made a French adaptation of it :

http://www.proletaire.com/jeneveuxpaslerelocaliserjeveuxletuer.html

I couldn't find any other place than here to contact the author...

Submitted by manic_impressive at 2007-02-25 06:59:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by: Phallic_Cymbals_who_is_presently_banned @ Now

OK to me you're generally a plus 1 poster and i avoid your posts because that would drop your ratings. This, however, was a great post that i hadnt previously seen.

Submitted by herrresjonny at 2007-02-25 06:45:01 EST (#)
Rating: 0

this is fucking genius

Submitted by LongestPants at 2006-12-03 16:41:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Me: Fuck you, Carl. You have sex with dogs.

------

That's just great.

Submitted by _God at 2006-12-03 15:55:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Been meaning to +2 this for a while; I laughed my balls off. (seriously, I now need prosthetic testicles)

Submitted by Lianne260987 at 2006-08-15 07:39:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

A bit confusing at first but some lines are quite funny.

Submitted by Maltese at 2006-08-12 13:02:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by compEngineer0 at 2006-08-09 08:26:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Not bad at all :)

Submitted by Quasiplasmohedron at 2006-08-06 18:34:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You have beautiful eyes.

Submitted by darko at 2006-08-04 02:46:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

buuuuuuuuuuuuuump

Submitted by Zoidberg at 2006-08-02 15:46:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

eh doesn't rate a -1 even if I didnt think it was funny, well written at least

a 2 balances things out hooray

Submitted by Zoidberg at 2006-08-02 15:37:12 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Maybe I'm totally missing something, b/c this wasn't funny. Just annoying.

Submitted by the_grendel at 2006-08-01 19:09:29 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

terribly sorry but I grew out of prank phone calls when I was 8

Submitted by darko at 2006-08-01 15:23:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Everything you ever wanted to know about Molari
User id: 27180
Registered on or around: 2006-06-01 10:24:12
# Messages posted: 0
# Reviews written: 80
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 0
# Hits: 0
Average rating of all messages: 0.00
Alter of: darko

Submitted by Molari at 2006-08-01 13:42:55 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

boooring

Submitted by spyder882001 at 2006-08-01 00:22:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

how much is too much? 500 to kill him and disposal depends on how long u want it 2 be befor his body is found

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2006-07-31 02:53:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

STEVIE FOR GOD!!!!

Submitted by Jay Peg at 2006-07-31 02:43:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It *could*, Darko, we just have to be vigilant on F5ing the hell out fo it.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-07-31 02:38:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-31 00:02:23 (#)
Ranking: 0

I couldn't go near my computer today.

Manic-depression and all.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is that the dream where the computer screen eats your face, choked to death by the mouse-zombie, have your skull crushed by a printer, or the unstopable feeling of impending doom that you can't stop because it's a cold cruel eventuality that we'll all have to face someday? I think it's the computer screen one.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-31 00:02:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I couldn't go near my computer today.

Manic-depression and all.

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-30 19:42:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

You realize this alone won't get you on the MVA, right?

Submitted by awesome_face at 2006-07-30 19:00:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Heres another for B@W

Submitted by munkeypants at 2006-07-30 13:15:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2006-07-30 10:14:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nice work. Carry on.

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-30 03:23:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

da da da da da da da da la da da da da

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-30 00:17:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

la da da da da

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2006-07-29 20:31:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B@W.

I see I have you to thank for my ADD title as it was taken from UM titles. So..linkwhore?

http://www.ubersite.com/m/91072

Submitted by kaos-king at 2006-07-29 05:50:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Congrats on B&W!!!

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-29 04:36:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

:-D

Guess who's name is going to go on my MVA name when I get there AND I figure out how to change it???

:-D

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-29 04:20:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

100

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-07-29 02:53:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WOO!

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-29 02:38:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

another drunk bump

Submitted by ripple at 2006-07-28 23:19:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

yeah.

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-28 17:16:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hrmm

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-28 16:56:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I assure you, it's on there

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-28 16:49:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Which B@W are you looking at?

I see nothing.

I know nothing.

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-28 16:32:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

now hurry up and label this one with your SIX OTHER B@W POSTS

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-28 16:31:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

At least he lived long enough to put this on B@W.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-28 16:23:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Bart's dead.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-28 16:22:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

:-(

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-28 14:26:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

DON'T LET THIS FALL OFF MOST HEATED YET!

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-28 14:06:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ON B@W MOTHERFUCKER!

Submitted by Adamdidit2u at 2006-07-28 14:04:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

My pet Tiger says that this belongs to the house of awesome, right beside that triple titted hooker from total recall and that hardcore porn with your dead grandmother.

Submitted by hoooot at 2006-07-28 10:55:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

hmmm...i love those shows on the discovery channel about try to find bigfoot.

one lady claimed that she had been raised by bifoots and that they still come over and try to borrow garlic from her.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2006-07-28 10:10:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Woo

Submitted by BobLobla at 2006-07-28 09:56:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

w00t

GO FLAMES GO

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-07-28 04:50:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

drunken hump

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-07-28 04:43:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ghj

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-07-28 04:43:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-28 04:27:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

drunken bump

Submitted by the_lone_stranger at 2006-07-28 02:43:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HEAT MATT TO DEATH

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-07-28 02:16:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

its okay that I quote your stories then.

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2006-07-28 01:56:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I'd stalk you, but you live too far :(

Moving to Montreal anytime soon?

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-28 01:23:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I just don't want to be interwebly stalked without knowing it. I don't mind stalkering as long as I know about it.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-07-28 01:13:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

just so you know I quote your stories when I post myspace surveys.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2006-07-28 01:12:26 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

fuck your heat mr. "I'm too good to have radly put my picture on his myspace"


fucker.

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-28 01:10:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

seconded

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-28 01:08:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

GOD DAMMIT THIS NEEDS MORE HEAT!!!!!!

Submitted by Charlilot at 2006-07-27 22:04:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Me: No they're not. One's Bigfoot, the other is Sasquatch. One eats berries and twigs and the other rips your face off and replaces it with a paste of honey, leaves and your own lungs.

Submitted by CrazyHorse at 2006-07-27 20:16:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Mother

Fucking


B@W

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2006-07-27 19:33:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-27 19:06:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

read this people! (and comment)

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-27 18:37:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I'm such a fucking ninja

Submitted by KungFu at 2006-07-27 18:34:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

" Do you tie rocks to them like you would a bag of dead puppies?"

Fucking gold!

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-27 18:33:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

*makes shifty eyes*

Submitted by blueboy at 2006-07-27 18:33:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*sneaks out*

Submitted by blueboy at 2006-07-27 18:32:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WOOOO HEAT!

Submitted by blueboy at 2006-07-27 18:32:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Back at it!
HEAT!

Submitted by blueboy at 2006-07-27 18:32:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*takes stamina pills*

Submitted by blueboy at 2006-07-27 18:32:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Overheated :(

Submitted by blueboy at 2006-07-27 18:31:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

EVEN MO' HEAT

Submitted by blueboy at 2006-07-27 18:31:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

MO' HEAT

Submitted by blueboy at 2006-07-27 18:31:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HEAT

Submitted by blueboy at 2006-07-27 18:29:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

*sneaks in*

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-27 18:29:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

sadly none of my comments count towards your climb up most heated

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-27 18:23:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

That type of evil I can deal with.

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-27 18:22:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

In all honesty, I probably will use it for evil. HOWEVER, the evil will benefit you if I do.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-27 18:19:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I <3 you too.

Because you have my address and will never ever ever use it for evil.

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-27 18:18:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I <3 you steve

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-27 18:16:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Worth a shot.



PS I'll find my frog

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-27 18:11:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

I've actually read this now, and it has the official darko stamp of approval. Shall be submitted by me to B@W, and most likely get you on the MVA.

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-27 18:10:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Pffft, and here I was gonna get to do my one good dead of the year.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-27 18:10:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

YA HEARD ME.

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-27 18:08:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

right terrible songs ??

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-27 18:08:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

DARKO - I HAVE THE MAGAZINE. DON'T MAIL IT.

...however, feel free to mail me candy and or an envelope of mysterious powder anytime...

*jazzfingers*

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-07-27 17:14:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-07-27 16:50:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Sasquatch looks like Caul

Submitted by Deidra at 2006-07-27 16:23:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HA HA!


teehee.

Submitted by BadAssJulie at 2006-07-27 15:45:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Happily_Agnostic at 2006-07-27 14:48:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-27 13:31:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

don't pay too much for it, it only cost my 7 bucks.

Submitted by livEvil at 2006-07-27 09:37:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

finally. it's good to see a post that really deserves a +2 and isn't just another ass sucking contest.



well done.

Submitted by Professional_Peon at 2006-07-27 09:26:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I laughed so hard I popped a tit

you owe me $5,999.99



thanks

Submitted by Ishamael at 2006-07-27 09:00:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nancy-lover.

Submitted by loki at 2006-07-27 08:55:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

customer service just isn't what it used to be

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2006-07-27 08:47:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

B@W

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-07-27 06:10:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Still awesome.

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-27 06:08:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

waiting

Submitted by pirate_pipi at 2006-07-27 05:57:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Did you find anyone to do it? Because I have a couple of jobs for them...

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-07-27 05:09:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck.

I keep forgetting this. But I can't really imagine someone of your brilliance giving a shit.

But still- it IS nice to see.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-07-27 05:07:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

"No they're not. One's Bigfoot, the other is Sasquatch. One eats berries and twigs and the other rips your face off and replaces it with a paste of honey, leaves and your own lungs."



Good lord.

St. Awesome indeed. There were tears.

r.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-07-27 04:29:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-07-27 04:17:59 (#)
Ranking: 2

It's true. I really don't kill that many people at all.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm god, and it's not cancer that kills people, it's really just my latest shroud of mystery to cast over the eyes of nonbelievers so I can carry out my divine mandate.

Submitted by FunnyAsCancer at 2006-07-27 04:17:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It's true. I really don't kill that many people at all.

Submitted by FilthyAssistant at 2006-07-27 03:54:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pirate_pipi at 2006-07-27 03:26:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I needed something to make me laugh this morning. Thanks.

Submitted by Mr. Asshole at 2006-07-27 03:12:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by TonyMontana at 2006-07-27 03:11:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:39:10 (#)
Ranking: 2

http://www.ubersite.com/m/90973

Fantasy Football, wooo!!!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:24:31 (#)
Ranking: 2

Stevie, you make the baby Jesus have an anurism (fuck spelling) from laughing too hard.

So -2DIE for killing the baby Jesus.


-2 x -1, that is...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Jgreening...can you be any more of a fat pathetic cunt? You're like the dude from swingers who calls that girl's house almost 20 times as soon as he gets her number....except you have no friends.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2006-07-27 02:58:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Seven shades of awesome.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2006-07-27 01:57:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I eat lead paint.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-07-27 01:49:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-07-27 01:18:53 (#)
Ranking: 0

Holy crap do I look like that monkey.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's not a monkey, that's a canadian.

Submitted by Snare at 2006-07-27 01:43:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That was funnier than the last time I shared a needle with a crack-whore.

Funnier than gargling dog vomit.

Funnier than fuck!


Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-07-27 01:36:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-07-26 23:24:31 (#)
Ranking: 2

Stevie, you make the baby Jesus have an anurism (fuck spelling) from laughing too hard.

So -2DIE for killing the baby Jesus.


-2 x -1, that is...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is it x -1 because he's dead now, or is it -1 because jeebus also loved phone calls.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-27 01:18:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Holy crap do I look like that monkey.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-27 01:18:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Oh, I'm serious that I'm going to kill Matt.

This is his only warning.

Submitted by awesome_face at 2006-07-27 00:05:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

God damm Steve. How do you come up with this shit?

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-26 23:56:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

DAMN DIRTY APE

Submitted by Crystle at 2006-07-26 23:54:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

hahahahaha


love it

it's like a GOOD episode of Crank Yankers.


those crazy muppets

Submitted by SPECIALk at 2006-07-26 23:39:44 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You're just angry because the stamp ape stole your haircut. ahahahahaha

*runs*

Submitted by fun_with_needles at 2006-07-26 23:39:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I almost choked on my snack pack.

Submitted by Jay Peg at 2006-07-26 23:39:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

http://www.ubersite.com/m/90973

Fantasy Football, wooo!!!

Submitted by Jay Peg at 2006-07-26 23:24:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Stevie, you make the baby Jesus have an anurism (fuck spelling) from laughing too hard.

So -2DIE for killing the baby Jesus.


-2 x -1, that is...

Submitted by Amontillado at 2006-07-26 23:18:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I wish you luck.

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2006-07-26 23:17:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Beautiful.

Now I am going back to porn.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2006-07-26 23:10:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


The Maritime call sealed it.

Submitted by stevie_says at 2006-07-26 22:58:35 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Dude, I MIGHT be able to buy it here from this speciality magazine shop.

Might.

Just wait one more day and I'll go find out tomorrow.

Submitted by darko at 2006-07-26 22:50:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

tomorrow I promise to mail you your magazine.

Submitted by KindaNews at 2006-07-26 22:49:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2006-07-26 22:46:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I request a voicewhore.

They're fun. Apparently, uber says I sound like a lilliputian prostitute, which is awesome.

I bet you sound like something different, but equally awesome.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2006-07-26 22:45:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Oh Jaysis...

B@W!


Marge: We're just going to have to cut down on luxuries.

Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for
diseases she doesn't even have.

Lisa's Pony