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I have GOT to stop hanging out with Black People.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2006-09-03 15:30:19 EDT
Rating: 1.57 on 50 ratings (50 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

*The following took place on August 30th*

Clark, my token black friend, had invited me to a party being put on by a friend of his. Before I even considered it, I asked what I figured to be a valid question…

“So, is this a Black Party?”

“What? What do you mean by that?”

“You know what the Hell I mean by that. I’m not down with being the only white dude at one of your crazy Negroid parties.”

“No, the girl throwing it is, like, Filipino or something. I don’t know. But there will be minimal black.”

“Well, since you put it that way, I’m in.”

***

Clark, his roommate Andre and I arrived at this house around 10pm. It didn’t take long for me to realize that these people were definitely NOT Filipino, but rather Samoan.

I’m not sure how many of you have had any experience in dealing with Samoans, but I grew up with a slew of them. Samoans are a lot like pit-bulls. They are big, mean, and just when you think they are cool with you, something in their head snaps and they try to bite your face off. And if you get on the bad side of just one, you will end up dealing with all of them.

I made it a point to pretty much mind my own business at the party. I played it safe and made minimal small talk and avoided eye contact with anyone the whole night. At around 2 in the morning, the three of us decide to leave.

As we walk down the street to Clark’s car, we all catch a glimpse at a girl leaning against a light pole, talking on her phone. She was dressed somewhat Hooker-ish, and Andre, being Andre, took it upon himself to ‘spit some game’.

“Hey baby. What’s good?”

She glances at us for about a second, and then turns around.

“Bitch, don’t pretend you didn’t hear me!”

And that’s when it happened. Out of nowhere, this very large, very angry Samoan comes charging up to us. He had to be about 6-foot-8, and over 400 pounds. I’m a pretty big guy, but he made me nearly piss myself. He gets right in Andre’s face, and in horribly broken English says,

“Fucking Niggers leave my cousin alone, or I kill you.”

Clark, fueled up with liquid courage, pushes the man as hard as he can. The Samoan doesn’t even budge. Then Andre opens up his jacket, revealing the pistol shoved down the front of his pants.

“What you gonna do, you pineapple eating mu-fucka?”

That was my cue to keep on walking to the car. The Samoan leaves and walks back to the party. We get in Clark’s car and take off. The whole ride back, I’m telling them how fucking retarded it is to cross a Samoan. We were stopped at a red light when a huge white truck comes to a screeching halt to the right of the car, just outside my window.

“Hey you Niggers! You die now!”

Under normal circumstances, I would have laughed at how funny his choice of words were. But once I saw him point his gun at our car, I knew this wasn’t a normal situation. Quickly, I reached down the side of my seat and lifted the lever, reclining back all the way. That is when he started firing.

The only way to describe the sound within the car is to imagine firecrackers going off in a steel drum. I edged as close to the inside of the door as I could, hoping the sheet metal of a Monte Carlo could stop a bullet at point blank.

I am huddled in the fetal position; Clark had jumped out the driver’s side before the firing had even started .Andre leans on top of me from the back seat and begins to return fire. The weight of his body is grinding the broken window glass into my face, but I ignore it since he would now take any shots that would have hit me.

After what seemed like an eternity, but only about 10 seconds, the truck speeds off down the street. My face is on fire from the cuts, but other than that, the three of us come out unscathed.

***
Since that night, quite a bit has happened. None of us were charged with anything. The police rightfully claim it was self defense, but since there is no proof of who shot first, they can’t charge the Samoan guy with attempted murder. As far as the police are concerned, I am out of the picture.

The military on the other hand, aren’t going to let me forget about this anytime soon. I have had 7 visits from the Office of Special Investigations. They are trying to twist this to make it look like I am in a gang. I was forced to turn over my permit to carry concealed weapons, “Just in case something like this happens again”, they say.

My commander has also said that it would ‘behoove’ me to no longer hang out with enlisted guys.

Well, maybe the black ones, anyways…



And because everybody likes pretty pictures...here is a brief walkthrough of what happened.







Okay so that last part didnt happen_but it wouldnt had surprised me.jpg
Okay so that last part didnt happen_but it wouldnt had surprised me.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by RoadSong at 2013-01-07 12:35:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You rock with the art in this post.

I was kidnapped by a Samoan while visiting the islands. I TALKED the bastard into letting me out of the vehicle before we got to the cane fields. Close call for sure, they ARE big and mean.


Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2006-09-24 23:10:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Amontillado at 2006-09-24 22:39:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by EchoBoxing at 2006-09-24 22:31:38 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

you should have left the drawings out.

Submitted by ASO at 2006-09-24 22:16:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

im glad youre not dead.

Submitted by forthewin at 2006-09-24 21:57:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good show.

Submitted by Sinistral at 2006-09-24 21:36:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by COMountain at 2006-09-07 12:16:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was only a +1 until those kicker of all ass state of the art graphics.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2006-09-07 11:57:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

AWESOME.

Glad you didn't get shot.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2006-09-07 11:41:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

nice.

Submitted by williamson at 2006-09-07 11:28:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Loved the pics.

Submitted by a_little_more_time at 2006-09-05 11:19:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

EXPLOSION

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2006-09-05 11:08:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-09-03 17:46:20 (#)
Ranking: 2

+2 because those pictures reminded me of police quest II
================
or Leisure Suit Larry 1-3

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2006-09-04 20:49:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Well, arent you just a little crockpot of fun facts?

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2006-09-04 17:11:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Here in Independence Missouri, suburb of Kansas City, we have a large populace of Samoans. Large! Get it?! LARGE! Hahahahaha

Anyway...

the reason they're here is because of the Reorganized Church of Later Day Saints (RLDS) a Mormon sect.

Anyway...

I didn't know that the RLDS sent out missionaries. Come to find out, they do. They sent missionaries to Samoa and converted the Samoan heathens.

AND...

since Independence Missouri is Zion, aka where Jesus will set up camp at the time of his second coming......

the Samoans moved here.

Aren't we soooooooo very lucky.

http://www.chaplaincare.navy.mil/RLDS.htm

Submitted by BadAssJulie at 2006-09-04 10:59:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-09-04 00:43:30 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-03 23:28:59 (#)
Ranking: 2

WHAT BRANCH ARE YOU!!!!!!11

=================

Well, I have a shitload of posts on how I fuck around while flying planes...

I thought you paid more attention to me than that, Mr. Face...

Who am I kidding? Been here for almost a year, and about 98% of you still have no idea who I am.

weep
------

Dude, it's ok. I've been here longer than you and I'd say 98%, if not more, still have no idea who I am.


In other news, I am pissed off because I woke up early this morning thinking I had to go to work and then I remembered it's a stupid holiday. Now I can't go back to sleep. I should've just ignored the alarm like I usually do.

Submitted by awesome_face at 2006-09-04 09:18:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali (user info) at 2006-09-04 00:43:30 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-03 23:28:59 (#)
Ranking: 2

WHAT BRANCH ARE YOU!!!!!!11

=================

Well, I have a shitload of posts on how I fuck around while flying planes...

I thought you paid more attention to me than that, Mr. Face...

Who am I kidding? Been here for almost a year, and about 98% of you still have no idea who I am.

weep
-

Sorry bro but this was the first post of yours I read. I will probably start readin them now cause getting shot at rules.

Submitted by Berty at 2006-09-04 08:42:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What a dumb story.

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-09-04 07:40:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The story was +1.

The picture was +100000000000.

especially the last one, that was fucking hilarious.

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2006-09-04 07:22:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Holy crap I had no idea this type of thing ACTUALLY happens! I thought tv made it up.

+2 for that last picture. Pictures make everything funnier. I have a very short attention sp.....

Submitted by 2004Dreaming at 2006-09-04 03:21:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2006-09-04 00:46:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Samoans are used as bouncers in Australia. Because they're bigger than the doors.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2006-09-04 00:43:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-03 23:28:59 (#)
Ranking: 2

WHAT BRANCH ARE YOU!!!!!!11

=================

Well, I have a shitload of posts on how I fuck around while flying planes...

I thought you paid more attention to me than that, Mr. Face...

Who am I kidding? Been here for almost a year, and about 98% of you still have no idea who I am.

weep

Submitted by VelvetElvis at 2006-09-03 23:51:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Hellll yeah. You ain't havin fun til they call 911.

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2006-09-03 23:35:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

When they ran out they made samoans. . .

Submitted by awesome_face at 2006-09-03 23:28:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WHAT BRANCH ARE YOU!!!!!!11

Submitted by stok at 2006-09-03 22:20:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

word.

Submitted by BadAssJulie at 2006-09-03 22:08:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love Samoans but I've always stayed on their good side. I've seen people cross them though and it is not pretty.

Submitted by domenad at 2006-09-03 21:41:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"What you gonna do, you pineapple eating mu-fucka?"

That line made this +2 territory all the way.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2006-09-03 21:05:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2006-09-03 21:01:42 (#)
Ranking: 0

Jesus Christ, you're an officer? Like in charge of 30+ people's lives?

======

You have NO idea...

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2006-09-03 21:01:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Jesus Christ, you're an officer? Like in charge of 30+ people's lives?

Submitted by corn nugget at 2006-09-03 19:02:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Holy crap. Guns are real?

Submitted by BadSamaritan87 at 2006-09-03 18:02:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Bust a Move, Nigga.

Submitted by Sphagnum at 2006-09-03 17:46:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 because those pictures reminded me of police quest II

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2006-09-03 17:42:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Who's kissing ass? I genuinely thought is was funny.

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2006-09-03 17:41:06 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Who's trying to be cool?

Stop being a fucking kissass.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2006-09-03 17:40:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-09-03 17:37:42 (#)
Ranking: -2

This is for thinking that Oathfucker's post was 'funny'.

=======

Man, that's just not cool at all...

Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome at 2006-09-03 17:37:42 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

This is for thinking that Oathfucker's post was 'funny'.

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2006-09-03 17:04:30 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

I've seen better (-1)



Submitted by awesome_face at 2006-09-03 16:54:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Awesome!

You got shot at!

Wait what branch are you in?

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-09-03 16:41:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

WOO!

Submitted by DeathJester at 2006-09-03 16:30:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

fun

Submitted by Maltese at 2006-09-03 16:17:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

HAR HAR. Good post. Now go read mine and +2 it pl0x.

Submitted by LSD420 at 2006-09-03 16:17:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ESCELLENT!

Submitted by WingedFoote at 2006-09-03 16:09:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

interesting, very interesting...

Submitted by extacy_red at 2006-09-03 16:08:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DCWoody at 2006-09-03 15:54:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Ah fuck.

Submitted by Cracked_out_cali at 2006-09-03 15:43:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-09-03 15:38:15 (#)
Ranking: 0

Also ... there appears to be a ladder in that explosion. Did a firefighter die in this accident?

OH NOEESSS!! KAELIC!!!

=================

No, its actually a tower. The picture was taken from an old A-Bomb test picture, and I didnt feel like photoshopping it out.

Submitted by UnderOathMeal at 2006-09-03 15:38:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Also ... there appears to be a ladder in that explosion. Did a firefighter die in this accident?

OH NOEESSS!! KAELIC!!!

Submitted by UnderOathMeal at 2006-09-03 15:37:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Absolute, refined awesomeness in every way (barring the blatant racism).


Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this. It is not okay to
lose.

-- Homer Simpson
Dead Putting Society