login / register
I accidentally ate steel wool muffins.
Welcome to Ubersite!

My Fucked Up Dreams And How My Own Hand Nearly Ripped My Balls Off

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2006-09-12 20:38:54 EDT
Rating: 1.7 on 31 ratings (31 reviews) (Review this item) (V)


I hate my dreams.


Even the ones that are supposed to be really cool end up being all kinds of fucked up, like the one time I dreamed that I sprouted the wings of a warrior angel from my back, and I took off into the sky only to end up in outer space and unable to get back into Earth's atmosphere, and somehow ending up inside the sun and being burned alive.

Maybe it's not so much my dreams that's completely screwed up than it is me.


Which brings me to what happened last night:



I toss and turn in my sleep a lot. I tend to prefer falling asleep on my back, because I won't have to find the perfect position for my arms or anything. Inevitably, though, I will always end up on my stomach or my side, the covers turned sideways, and my feet on my pillow. The effects of how uncomfortable I am when I sleep are compounded by the fact that I never have normal dreams.

Trust me, I'm going somewhere with this.

Last night, I had a dream I was attacked by a monster similar to the trolls from "David The Gnome". It couldn't have been anything cool, like the black guy from "Reading Rainbow", or something I know I could kick the shit of like Sponge from "Salute Your Shorts".

Either way, this thing had claws and really sharp teeth, and he was thoroughly kicking my ass. I would try punching him in the snout, kicking him in the nuts, sticking my thumbs in his eyes, and even biting him like a little bitch. But it was all in vain. He had me on the ground, and his hand clamped down on my inner thigh as he bit into my stomach. But what wrenched me awake wasn't the fact that I could practically feel him chewing on my insides.


Something was grabbing and digging its nails into my inner thigh, and it really fucking hurt.


I began to kick wildly. Whatever was gripping my leg refused to let go. I took my left arm and pried some fingers off. My roommate must've been fucking with me.

"What the FUCK are you doing, Ryan!?" I began to yell.
"Huh!? What the fuck are you talking about!?" He asked from across the room.


I may have been half awake, but I knew something was completely fucked. I looked down, and realized that my left hand was holding my very numb right hand. I had fallen asleep on my right arm, and my hand clamped down on my own leg in response to the bad dream, which is completely screwy in its own right because I didn't even know that a numb hand could move in the first place.

Bruises were already beginning to appear on my thigh, after I explained the whole thing to my roommate.


"You're fucking weird, man." Ryan politely explained to me before he fell asleep again.

I paused. He was right. I'm a pretty bizarre guy.

"Dude?" I asked after a moment.
"What?"
"What if it were my balls?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"There are bruises on my leg. What if my own hand crushed my balls?"
"Then you wouldn't have a sack. Let me sleep, you psycho."

I mulled over it for a minute more.

"Ryan?" I asked one more time.
"WHAT!?" He shouted.
"Be careful."





Mah balls.JPG
Mah balls.JPG


Review This Item

Rating:

Comment:




Reviews


Submitted by Scooter at 2006-09-18 05:55:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-09-12 22:24:22 (#)
Ranking: 2

I keep having this dream that I get stuck in a toy store and there are NO FUCKING LEGOS IN SIGHT!

Submitted by Scooter at 2006-09-18 05:54:16 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Classic, you always make me laugh, anyways I once fell asleep on the couch and had my arms across my face and I was half asleep and thought my brother was messing with me and shit so I hit my arm and went back to sleep.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-09-13 16:52:21 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Dude, what is with the recent UberFascination with LeVar Burton lately???

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2006-09-13 10:08:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You are a nut.

And I love that about you.

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2006-09-13 10:00:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2006-09-13 09:33:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by mattnotharry at 2006-09-13 06:53:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-09-12 22:48:41 (#)
Ranking: 1

Last night I went to sleep face down in the pillow, with my arms crossed in front of me. When my alarm woke me up they were both competely numb and I couldn't move them, therefore I couldn't reach the alarm or push myself up to breathe (I don't know how I survived the night). I eventually managed to roll myself over and flop an elbow onto the snooze button but not before I had woken up the rest of the house and almost drowned.

-------

I've had that before - I awoke with my numb arm across my face. I used my other arm to blearily throw the numb arm off but it hit the wall and bounced back, causing me to hit myself in the face.

Sometimes you wake and know you're in for a bad day

Submitted by creep_firebombing at 2006-09-13 06:06:13 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Ryan"
"WHAT?!"
"Be careful."



HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! Batshit insane.

Submitted by whiskey_jack at 2006-09-13 03:37:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

The key to dealing with unintential pain is to become a total massichist. That way all that pain becomes a turn-on.

Submitted by coley at 2006-09-13 00:17:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I knew it. I knew what happened.
Just like when Titanic came out.

THE FUCKING SHIP SINKS


Submitted by coley at 2006-09-13 00:16:30 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

OMG I ONLY READ THE TITLE AND I ALREADY KNOW THIS STORY
DAMN YOU FOR GABBLY SPOILERZ

Submitted by TheUniter at 2006-09-13 00:01:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2006-09-12 23:40:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2006-09-12 23:38:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Great stuff.

PS: Wildman is an asswipe.

Submitted by Wildman at 2006-09-12 23:10:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Not very bright.
|
|
|
v

Submitted by Crystle at 2006-09-12 23:03:51 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

only Thorpe could almost drown with no water around.



poor baby....EMOTICON

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2006-09-12 22:53:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Should'a stroked with the numb hand.
Could have checked 'the Stranger' off your list.

Submitted by Average_Dan at 2006-09-12 22:52:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I once dreamed that my numb right arm was a snake, it was disturbing when everytime I threw it off me, it kept coming back.

Submitted by thorpe at 2006-09-12 22:48:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Last night I went to sleep face down in the pillow, with my arms crossed in front of me. When my alarm woke me up they were both competely numb and I couldn't move them, therefore I couldn't reach the alarm or push myself up to breathe (I don't know how I survived the night). I eventually managed to roll myself over and flop an elbow onto the snooze button but not before I had woken up the rest of the house and almost drowned.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2006-09-12 22:45:45 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Good use of the clown face.

Submitted by ooQueso at 2006-09-12 22:31:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I love dreams, but it was the end of this that made the +2.

"Dude?" I asked after a moment.
"What?"
"What if it were my balls?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"There are bruises on my leg. What if my own hand crushed my balls?"

lol

Submitted by awesome_face at 2006-09-12 22:24:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I keep having this dream that I get stuck in a toy store and there are NO FUCKING LEGOS IN SIGHT!

It pisses me off.

Submitted by JohnGalt at 2006-09-12 21:48:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What a crazy coincidence. I had a dream about grabbing your thigh last night too.

Submitted by WatchMyStep at 2006-09-12 21:40:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by knucklesnelson at 2006-09-12 21:36:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Amontillado at 2006-09-12 21:12:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've woken up with cuts, scrapes, and unexplained bruises before.

Submitted by DuiTicket at 2006-09-12 21:00:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 weird dreams

Submitted by ConorJS at 2006-09-12 20:57:37 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

My dog just went absolutely apeshit over something outside. I cried I was laughing so hard.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2006-09-12 20:54:48 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

If that happened or even almost happened, you're DOING IT WRONG, Sparky.

Submitted by bokinsmowls at 2006-09-12 20:51:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

-2DIE YOU FUCKING NOOB

Submitted by Maltese at 2006-09-12 20:50:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Auto masturbatory +2


Smithers:
Next. There's a problem with the reactor -- what do you do?

Homer: There's a problem with the reactor?? We're all going to die!!

I Married Marge