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Hey God...

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-09-16 19:25:11 EDT
Rating: 0.65 on 47 ratings (47 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Me: Hey God.

God: Hey You! How are you doing?

Me: Oh pretty good you know... can’t complain... although people don’t really like it when I complain so... >shrugs< . I mean who really gives a shit, right?

God: I do.

Me: Really? See I wouldn’t think so, not with all the stupid bullshit going on these days.

God: Of course I do. I’m God. I created all you little fuckers... and even though you have been a giant disappointment in some areas, you have provided me with endless entertainment. What seems to be bugging you?

Me: Um... wait a sec... aren’t you supposed to be Omniscient? And what happened to your crappy English accent?

God: English accent? Meh, I only use that when talking to self important Australians... As far as knowing what your issues are - of course I do, but I think it might be helpful for you to articulate your worldly issues through this simplistic communication outlet.

Me: Hmm. That sounds silly... But Ok. Ahh... I guess first off I think humanity is failing.

God: No shit.

Me: Ha! See?... and yet every time I bring that up people around here people either agree with me or VEHEMENTLY disagree with me and proceed to get all uppity and start spouting out all sorts of silly mindless bullshit... Yet very little ever gets done to make this world a better place – it’s annoying.

God: Maybe you should stop being such a melodramatic cunt.

Me: >ERP!<

God: Seriously, no one likes people pointing out the failures of humanity – let alone some smug know-it-all like yourself. Your constant blathering is annoying to certain people.

Me: WHAT? So what if they find it annoying? Fuck them! Fuck ‘em all in their ignorant fucking mouths. Besides - them getting all pissy certainly doesn’t change the fact that this world NEEDS to change.

God: Sure it does, but do you honestly feel that simply pointing that out is going to change anything?

Me: Well... I think talking about these things is important... and besides we can’t continue being so hopelessly fucking retarded can we?

God: Well no. I agree that you all need to smarten the fuck up... but you are not the only one to have this thought, you know. Millions of people are thinking that same thing right now. The question is ‘What are YOU doing about it?’

Me: um... well. Nothing, really. I’d LIKE to do something, but it’s pretty overwhelming and I’m lazy.

God: Tell me about it.

Me: Top of mind? I think the worship of you has pretty much gotten out of hand. Christians, Islamic, Jews... You seem to be a rally cry for some of the stupider things we fail at around here. I mean all of this fundamentalist bullshit that goes down in YOUR name has to be at least somewhat depressing right? All this war, and death... yuck! And what about capitalistic greed... and human rights violations? Terrorism, global warming, school shootings, line-ups, paparazzi, toxic waste... the world is a fucking shit show!

God: Yeah. That ‘free will’ thing is a bitch, huh? Heh, to be honest I’m glad I threw that into the mix - adds a certain amount of random excitement. Bottom line is: I love you all. Each and every last one of you. Right and wrong are contextual and ultimately meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I gave you all a conscience and the capacity to think for yourselves – and as an added bonus the ability to become infinitely smarter. Now, what you choose to do with these gifts is a source of constant joy, amusement and abject devastation for me. But just look at what you have accomplished in such a relatively short amount of time- it’s simply incredible. (Oh, and this internet thing? Outstanding!)

Me: How come you don’t participate more, then? I don’t know, maybe send down another son – perhaps a hot daughter this time... maybe even a rockstar! We could certainly use some salvation.

God: I don’t send ‘people’. You are all my children. Besides, I think its time you all realized that Mary was no virgin... but that Jesus kid she spit out really WAS a fucking superstar. Of all the people I have created - he is one of only a handful of you who actually 'got it'.

Me: ‘Got it’?

God: Yeah. The whole key to happiness thing. Live a good life, love, forgiveness, acceptance... read that bible of yours, it’s all in there.

Me: Wow, so... the bible isn’t complete bullshit?

God: Heh. No, not all of it. Certain Parts are badly written (The ark story still gives me a divine cramp) but I think some of the concepts are pretty sound - if not drenched in blatant human self interest and thinly veiled sociological control. The parts you people left in about Jesus, though - read those very carefully. Oh, and the Ten Commandments are pretty good as well – but most of them are written more to manage people instead of guide them... but still.

Me: That’s it? Read the bible? That is your heavenly advice to deal with all of the abject stupidity going on down here?

God: What the fuck else do you want? Even if I DID show up and started hurling lightning bolts and began layin’ down some serious smite-action on all of the idiot heathens – what would that actually accomplish? Humanity needs to believe in itself... and when it comes right down to it you folks are going to have to figure this shit out ALL on your own. I gave you the smarts - you just need to use ‘em.

Me: Holy fuck. Sounds to me like yer just being fucking lazy.

God: HEY! Watch the blasphemy, asshole. I created EVERYthing... What the fuck have you done lately? Hmm?

Me: um...



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Reviews


Submitted by Shlongy at 2015-10-27 22:47:15 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I'll say, below.

Submitted by Linus at 2015-10-27 21:29:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Turns out I was an asshole too.

Submitted by Dru M at 2015-10-27 05:18:25 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

JonnyX is a pedophile

Submitted by RoadSong at 2015-10-26 23:14:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Humanity needs to believe in itself... and when it comes right down to it you folks are going to have to figure this shit out ALL on your own. I gave you the smarts - you just need to use ‘em.

oh rob

Here is a fave post of mine.
https://ubersite.com/m/128660

Submitted by dougiep at 2008-03-11 11:33:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by F.J.Bell at 2008-03-11 07:12:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Pious.

Submitted by Ltap at 2008-03-10 18:43:47 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Why do so many Ubersite people-beings seem to have conversations with God, anyway?

Submitted by Shlongy at 2008-03-10 18:24:36 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Hate,

me

Submitted by experima at 2008-03-10 18:22:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

love,

me.

Submitted by orphelia at 2008-03-10 18:13:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Cartoon would be good.

Funny how your fav posts don't always get as rated as highly as ones you care less about. Hmmmmm...

Submitted by SkullBiter at 2008-03-10 16:02:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I would be afraid to talk to god. it would be able to read your mind right?

Submitted by rob_berg at 2007-04-03 18:45:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


heh

I think this is one of my favorite posts.

Maybe I should turn this into a cartoon?

Submitted by 0bserver at 2007-03-31 17:54:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

JOB anyone?
+ you took the words right out of my mouth
"'nuff said"

Submitted by BadASCII at 2007-03-20 22:18:36 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Rob Berg is a size queen.

Submitted by Sepsis at 2006-10-02 21:35:50 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

bongs

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-10-02 03:40:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2006-10-01 18:43:57 (#)
Ranking: 2

+4 for calling me...

An existential hippie-type.

---

hehe

Submitted by ooQueso at 2006-10-01 18:43:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

An existential hippie-type.

Submitted by ooQueso at 2006-10-01 18:43:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+4 for calling me...

Submitted by ASO at 2006-09-20 18:37:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

goood shit nigga.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-09-18 21:01:56 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-18 15:26:19 (#)
Ranking: -2

Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-09-16 15:25:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
-----
Rob, you keep using that word 'troll' - I do not think it means what you think it means.

Y'see, trolls just go around trying to stir up trouble, just for fun.
As for me, as you can tell by Bret's recently dispatched corpse, I don't just start trouble, I finish it off.

I tell you this because of your interest in semantics.

---

And YOU, you pathetic little troll…

You actually epitomize the term TROLL. You are of very little use to anyone, only occasionally entertaining and are generally a complete waste of my time. You are annoying and boring… and even though you seem to have convinced (deluded) yourself that the gutter you dwell in is some 'higher road' paved with sheer awesome - the reality is you are little more than a sad example of how to be a useless internet retard.

Your tormenting of Oathmeal was both juvenile and stupid. The fact that you view his departure as some kind of accomplishment in your tragic little life is just plain sad.


However, I DO very much enjoy the semantics so listen up:


‘Please fuck off’


Now, do me a favor and spend some quality time figuring out exactly what I meant by that, k?

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-09-18 20:39:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-09-18 15:09:11 (#)
Ranking: -1

Maybe you should stop being such a melodramatic cunt.

---

Hehe... it was either that or someone was going to say "See? Even God thinks you are a cunt." I was curious as to who would take the lame road first... delighted it was you Mr. Ninja.

Tell you what: I'll stop being a melodramatic cunt when you stop being a negative unhelpful asshole.

Deal?

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-09-18 20:35:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-09-18 02:40:14 (#)
Ranking: 2

"Me: Ha! See?... and yet every time I bring that up to people around here they either agree with me or VEHEMENTLY disagree and proceed to get all uppity and start spouting out all sorts of silly mindless bullshit... Yet very little ever gets done to make this world a better place - it's annoying."
---------------------
Disheartening hey? People misinterpret magnanimity for pompousness.
I do believe it's directly related to human ego.

---

To be honest I find it even more disheartening that I am so easily affected by my own apathetic inertia.

The people who think I am pompous are either completely bored with what I have to say or too fucking stupid to fully comprehend it and tend to compensate by acting like a caustic retard.

I have always found that the human ego is absolutely delicious with the right amount of syrup and butter.

Submitted by TheUniter at 2006-09-18 17:29:22 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-09-18 15:26:19 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2006-09-16 15:25:37 (#)
Ranking: -2
-----
Rob, you keep using that word 'troll' - I do not think it means what you think it means.

Y'see, trolls just go around trying to stir up trouble, just for fun.
As for me, as you can tell by Bret's recently dispatched corpse, I don't just start trouble, I finish it off.

I tell you this becuase of your interest in semantics.

Submitted by indoninja at 2006-09-18 15:09:11 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

Maybe you should stop being such a melodramatic cunt.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2006-09-18 14:53:36 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

If you speak with him again, tell him Shlongy's a little pissed off about the size of his dick.

Submitted by Wicked at 2006-09-18 14:52:44 EDT (#)
Rating: -1

blasphemous and presumptuous

Submitted by loki at 2006-09-18 14:49:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You should have gotten his picks for the World Series.

Submitted by marginwalker at 2006-09-18 02:40:14 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"Me: Ha! See?... and yet every time I bring that up people around here people either agree with me or VEHEMENTLY disagree with me and proceed to get all uppity and start spouting out all sorts of silly mindless bullshit... Yet very little ever gets done to make this world a better place - it's annoying."
---------------------
Disheartening hey? People misinterpret magnanimity for pompousness.
I do believe it's directly related to human ego.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-09-18 02:08:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-09-18 01:41:50 (#)
Ranking: -2

this is must be the hundredth post about a dialogue with god
i do not give a shit

---

this is must be the hundredth bile-filled assface comment you have left today
it's obvious you don't give a shit you cranky french princess

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2006-09-18 01:41:50 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

this is must be the hundredth post about a dialogue with god
i do not give a shit

Submitted by Allyson at 2006-09-18 00:51:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 2




I liked the first, And this one is pretty good too.


go rate my shit.


http://www.ubersite.com/m/93166

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-09-18 00:13:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 0




Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-09-17 22:21:52 (#)
Ranking: 0

failing against what measure, exactly? and why is that measure more valid than any other?

---


The measure we will use is mine. I say humanity is failing.


What makes that more or less valid than another measure? Nothing.

However, smarmy validation of a painfully obvious statement is just silly... we are failing. Period.

Is this a statement you disagree with?


If so, do tell.

Submitted by iddqd at 2006-09-17 22:21:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

failing against what measure, exactly? and why is that measure more valid than any other?

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-09-17 22:14:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-09-17 09:01:33 (#)
Ranking: 0

you say IM self important, and then you say this:

"I guess first off I think humanity is failing."

---

Well technically I didn't say you were self important ... God did.



I certainly do think we are failing as a society... in OH so many areas.

Oh, and I absolutely think I'm self important. I'm my biggest fan.

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-09-17 22:08:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2006-09-16 20:00:41 (#)
Ranking: -2

I don't think God cusses.

---

Sure does! AND God also thinks you really need to get laid.

Submitted by iddqd at 2006-09-17 09:01:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

you say IM self important, and then you say this:

"I guess first off I think humanity is failing."


Submitted by Chroniclysm at 2006-09-16 22:54:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Obviously.

Submitted by MANICMOTHER at 2006-09-16 21:56:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by coley at 2006-09-16 21:45:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-09-16 21:39:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

God cusses all the time.
Who's gonna tell him he can't?

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2006-09-16 20:43:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2006-09-16 20:00:41 (#)
Ranking: -2

I don't think God cusses.
______________________
No. You don't think.

Submitted by ooQueso at 2006-09-16 20:00:41 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

I don't think God cusses.

Submitted by awesome_face at 2006-09-16 19:56:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i like

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2006-09-16 19:54:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

It was a GREAT post, and Rob's theology has a lot going for it.

Submitted by Genko at 2006-09-16 19:50:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Would have been a great post if God wasn't such a sermonizer.

Submitted by Mister at 2006-09-16 19:28:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Nahbad.


Marge: I know we didn't ask for this, Homer, but doesn't the Bible
say, "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you
do unto me...?"

Homer: Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take
moochers into thy hut?"

The Otto Show