Hey God...Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-09-16 19:25:11 EDT
Rating: 0.65 on 47 ratings (47 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
Me: Hey God.
God: Hey You! How are you doing?
Me: Oh pretty good you know... can’t complain... although people don’t really like it when I complain so... >shrugs< . I mean who really gives a shit, right?
God: I do.
Me: Really? See I wouldn’t think so, not with all the stupid bullshit going on these days.
God: Of course I do. I’m God. I created all you little fuckers... and even though you have been a giant disappointment in some areas, you have provided me with endless entertainment. What seems to be bugging you?
Me: Um... wait a sec... aren’t you supposed to be Omniscient? And what happened to your crappy English accent?
God: English accent? Meh, I only use that when talking to self important Australians... As far as knowing what your issues are - of course I do, but I think it might be helpful for you to articulate your worldly issues through this simplistic communication outlet.
Me: Hmm. That sounds silly... But Ok. Ahh... I guess first off I think humanity is failing.
God: No shit.
Me: Ha! See?... and yet every time I bring that up people around here people either agree with me or VEHEMENTLY disagree with me and proceed to get all uppity and start spouting out all sorts of silly mindless bullshit... Yet very little ever gets done to make this world a better place – it’s annoying.
God: Maybe you should stop being such a melodramatic cunt.
God: Seriously, no one likes people pointing out the failures of humanity – let alone some smug know-it-all like yourself. Your constant blathering is annoying to certain people.
Me: WHAT? So what if they find it annoying? Fuck them! Fuck ‘em all in their ignorant fucking mouths. Besides - them getting all pissy certainly doesn’t change the fact that this world NEEDS to change.
God: Sure it does, but do you honestly feel that simply pointing that out is going to change anything?
Me: Well... I think talking about these things is important... and besides we can’t continue being so hopelessly fucking retarded can we?
God: Well no. I agree that you all need to smarten the fuck up... but you are not the only one to have this thought, you know. Millions of people are thinking that same thing right now. The question is ‘What are YOU doing about it?’
Me: um... well. Nothing, really. I’d LIKE to do something, but it’s pretty overwhelming and I’m lazy.
God: Tell me about it.
Me: Top of mind? I think the worship of you has pretty much gotten out of hand. Christians, Islamic, Jews... You seem to be a rally cry for some of the stupider things we fail at around here. I mean all of this fundamentalist bullshit that goes down in YOUR name has to be at least somewhat depressing right? All this war, and death... yuck! And what about capitalistic greed... and human rights violations? Terrorism, global warming, school shootings, line-ups, paparazzi, toxic waste... the world is a fucking shit show!
God: Yeah. That ‘free will’ thing is a bitch, huh? Heh, to be honest I’m glad I threw that into the mix - adds a certain amount of random excitement. Bottom line is: I love you all. Each and every last one of you. Right and wrong are contextual and ultimately meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I gave you all a conscience and the capacity to think for yourselves – and as an added bonus the ability to become infinitely smarter. Now, what you choose to do with these gifts is a source of constant joy, amusement and abject devastation for me. But just look at what you have accomplished in such a relatively short amount of time- it’s simply incredible. (Oh, and this internet thing? Outstanding!)
Me: How come you don’t participate more, then? I don’t know, maybe send down another son – perhaps a hot daughter this time... maybe even a rockstar! We could certainly use some salvation.
God: I don’t send ‘people’. You are all my children. Besides, I think its time you all realized that Mary was no virgin... but that Jesus kid she spit out really WAS a fucking superstar. Of all the people I have created - he is one of only a handful of you who actually 'got it'.
Me: ‘Got it’?
God: Yeah. The whole key to happiness thing. Live a good life, love, forgiveness, acceptance... read that bible of yours, it’s all in there.
Me: Wow, so... the bible isn’t complete bullshit?
God: Heh. No, not all of it. Certain Parts are badly written (The ark story still gives me a divine cramp) but I think some of the concepts are pretty sound - if not drenched in blatant human self interest and thinly veiled sociological control. The parts you people left in about Jesus, though - read those very carefully. Oh, and the Ten Commandments are pretty good as well – but most of them are written more to manage people instead of guide them... but still.
Me: That’s it? Read the bible? That is your heavenly advice to deal with all of the abject stupidity going on down here?
God: What the fuck else do you want? Even if I DID show up and started hurling lightning bolts and began layin’ down some serious smite-action on all of the idiot heathens – what would that actually accomplish? Humanity needs to believe in itself... and when it comes right down to it you folks are going to have to figure this shit out ALL on your own. I gave you the smarts - you just need to use ‘em.
Me: Holy fuck. Sounds to me like yer just being fucking lazy.
God: HEY! Watch the blasphemy, asshole. I created EVERYthing... What the fuck have you done lately? Hmm?