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Textual Intercourse - Or Attention to Detail is Paramount in The Digital Age

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-09-25 15:49:09 EDT
Rating: 1.77 on 41 ratings (42 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

I am partial to a few beers every now and then.

I know that will shock you, it's very rare that an Englishman likes to drink.

When I have had a 'few beers' (that being the all encompassing term for wine, vodka, beer and ten year old boy's blood) I tend to let my attention to detail fall to the level of, say, a Down's Syndrome kid on christmas morning when he is expecting Santa to bring him a new helmet.

I have recently changed cell phones, being a lazy bastard it has taken me weeks to save my old numbers into the new phone.

I tend to experience long periods of slothfulness interspersed with shorter periods of manic energy. This was a manic energy mixed with wine day.

The best kind! All my good ideas come on MEMWWD (manic energy mixed with wine day), it was on MEMWWD when I thought it would be cool to sit in a swimming pool when there was an electric storm going (don't worry the doctor told be my armpit hair will grow back eventually), it was on MEMWWD when I decided to try and make a grilled cheese sandwich using only bread, cheese, butter and a steam iron. My new iron, ironing board, carpet and curtains are much better anyway - it was time for a change.

I had cleaned the apartment, done all my laundry, been grocery shopping and had generally caught up with all my chores.

As I sat guzzling a very nice wine, I forget the year but this wine was so good a bottle could not hold all it's awesome. It came in a box! How cool is that - it was like a cage for the kickassedness of the vino.

2006 it was. It's just come back to me. Chateaux Neuf De La Flamme or something like that. Something classy.


I decided to start copying the numbers across and once I got started it didn't take too long. I had had the phone for a few weeks and most of the important contacts had called me several times it was just a case of labeling the numbers.

Job done.

When I finish a task I set out to do I tend to reward myself with an erection. Today was no different.

And what do you think of when you get an erection?

Goatse of course.

Just kidding, I thought of my girlfriend.

Mel, if you are reading this I DO NOT THINK OF YOU AS AN INSIDE OUT ANUS.

I decided to send her a text message, i'll spare you the crushingly embarrassing endearments but the jist of it was:

"Hi shmoopy, i am a big boy are you dirty?"

I'm romantic me.

I got a reply straight away:

"I can be if you want big boy, why you asking now?"

Yes! Textual intercourse initiated!

"Because I have done all my work and I have an erection." I replied.

The response was swift:

"Good boy - I like it when people do exactly what I tell them!"

That's odd I thought - she didn't tell me to do my chores. But I can see where she is steering this. I'll play along.

"I can do anything you tell me - what do you want me to do?"

It was hotting up now!

"I want you to suck my cock under my desk." She replied.

Huh? HUH? Now i'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer I am sure you will all agree but even I know that my girlfriend hasn't got a penis.

Or a desk for that matter.

She is obviously being very kinky!

"When did you get a cock?!" Came my confused and delayed response.

"Uh, when I was born. What are you talking about?"

Realisation dawned.

Oh fuckity fuck fuck fuck arse bastard twat.

I checked the address book on my phone. I checked the name I was sending to. Yup, Mel. I checked the number. Yup, Bill. My boss.

I had saved the wrong number.

Fucking genius.

The next day at work I didn't need any lunch - what with all the semen I had consumed and all.

(I was going to write here 'talk about getting a-head in business' but I didn't 'cos it was crap.)

Review This Item




Submitted by fuck you at 2016-12-16 09:51:21 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by apollo88 at 2015-12-13 18:56:28 EST (#)

heh, cool.

Submitted by Dave Robison at 2015-10-27 22:44:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I had linked to this way back in 2006. Bart helped me find it. Updating the link, now.

Submitted by MrRottenTreats at 2006-10-02 23:17:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by DuiTicket at 2006-09-29 00:20:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2006-09-29 00:06:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-09-28 23:57:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by Crystle at 2006-09-28 16:48:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

talking to yourself, old bean?

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-09-28 16:18:34 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-09-26 22:50:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-09-26 14:38:02 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-09-26 08:29:27 (#)
Ranking: 0

from what i kjow of you, this might actually be true""

of course it is true.

except for the sucking his dick part of course.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-09-26 13:44:33 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

what moi?

review my own post so it goes back on the MRR?

Submitted by yhywstudios at 2006-09-26 11:50:06 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by c1ndy at 2006-09-26 11:38:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

you have turned into an american: grilled cheese sandwhich? apartment? whatever next?

Submitted by Dervel at 2006-09-26 08:38:28 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Proper job.

Submitted by shandythedog at 2006-09-26 08:29:27 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

from what i kjow of you, this might actually be true

Submitted by corn nugget at 2006-09-26 06:13:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

haha awesome

Submitted by Merlina at 2006-09-26 04:53:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


thanks, I needed a laugh this morning.

Submitted by Berty at 2006-09-26 04:42:50 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Is your girlfriend really called Mel??

Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey at 2006-09-26 03:11:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

ah, box o'wine. Takes me back to the good old days. Hock-in-a-box, pure class.

Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2006-09-26 00:30:39 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

That's a good wine.

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2006-09-25 22:57:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2



Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2006-09-25 21:00:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by JulsInsane at 2006-09-25 20:30:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


I texted my landlord "I better be getting some action tonight" instead of my best friend who was sitting across the table from me at a bar at 2am on a Thursday night.

Fucker is evicting me anyway.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-09-25 19:34:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

heh, you said La Flamme

Submitted by MyNameIsTim at 2006-09-25 19:22:40 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

big head giving a little head. nice work champ. :)

Submitted by firefly at 2006-09-25 19:20:07 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by piowufbhwervnerfnc at 2006-09-25 18:37:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Crystle at 2006-09-25 18:16:32 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by kaos-king at 2006-09-25 18:12:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2006-09-25 17:23:17 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

I've awlways thought phones should come with breathalyzers for just this reason.

Submitted by Fucking foul at 2006-09-25 16:58:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2006-09-25 16:28:24 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

You're a disgusting homo.

linkwhore - http://www.ubersite.com/m/89787

Submitted by Amontillado at 2006-09-25 16:18:43 EDT (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2006-09-25 16:18:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

So, what did it taste like?

Submitted by loki at 2006-09-25 16:14:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

how very Apollo of you

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2006-09-25 16:08:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

This was beautiful.

Submitted by St_Jimmy at 2006-09-25 15:58:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Very funny.

Submitted by Anansie at 2006-09-25 15:54:53 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by FunnyAsCancer at 2006-09-25 15:53:38 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Auto+2 "Textual Intercourse"

I randomly thought of that phrase last night, and bam, here it is again.

Submitted by BobLobla at 2006-09-25 15:50:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Auto Box O' Wine +2

Submitted by Maltese at 2006-09-25 15:50:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Auto +2 for "10 year old's blood"

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win
or lose: it's how drunk you get.

-- Homer Simpson
Bart Gets An Elephant