Textual Intercourse - Or Attention to Detail is Paramount in The Digital AgeSubmitted by apollo88 at 2006-09-25 15:49:09 EDT
Rating: 1.77 on 41 ratings (42 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I am partial to a few beers every now and then.
I know that will shock you, it's very rare that an Englishman likes to drink.
When I have had a 'few beers' (that being the all encompassing term for wine, vodka, beer and ten year old boy's blood) I tend to let my attention to detail fall to the level of, say, a Down's Syndrome kid on christmas morning when he is expecting Santa to bring him a new helmet.
I have recently changed cell phones, being a lazy bastard it has taken me weeks to save my old numbers into the new phone.
I tend to experience long periods of slothfulness interspersed with shorter periods of manic energy. This was a manic energy mixed with wine day.
The best kind! All my good ideas come on MEMWWD (manic energy mixed with wine day), it was on MEMWWD when I thought it would be cool to sit in a swimming pool when there was an electric storm going (don't worry the doctor told be my armpit hair will grow back eventually), it was on MEMWWD when I decided to try and make a grilled cheese sandwich using only bread, cheese, butter and a steam iron. My new iron, ironing board, carpet and curtains are much better anyway - it was time for a change.
I had cleaned the apartment, done all my laundry, been grocery shopping and had generally caught up with all my chores.
As I sat guzzling a very nice wine, I forget the year but this wine was so good a bottle could not hold all it's awesome. It came in a box! How cool is that - it was like a cage for the kickassedness of the vino.
2006 it was. It's just come back to me. Chateaux Neuf De La Flamme or something like that. Something classy.
I decided to start copying the numbers across and once I got started it didn't take too long. I had had the phone for a few weeks and most of the important contacts had called me several times it was just a case of labeling the numbers.
When I finish a task I set out to do I tend to reward myself with an erection. Today was no different.
And what do you think of when you get an erection?
Goatse of course.
Just kidding, I thought of my girlfriend.
Mel, if you are reading this I DO NOT THINK OF YOU AS AN INSIDE OUT ANUS.
I decided to send her a text message, i'll spare you the crushingly embarrassing endearments but the jist of it was:
"Hi shmoopy, i am a big boy are you dirty?"
I'm romantic me.
I got a reply straight away:
"I can be if you want big boy, why you asking now?"
Yes! Textual intercourse initiated!
"Because I have done all my work and I have an erection." I replied.
The response was swift:
"Good boy - I like it when people do exactly what I tell them!"
That's odd I thought - she didn't tell me to do my chores. But I can see where she is steering this. I'll play along.
"I can do anything you tell me - what do you want me to do?"
It was hotting up now!
"I want you to suck my cock under my desk." She replied.
Huh? HUH? Now i'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer I am sure you will all agree but even I know that my girlfriend hasn't got a penis.
Or a desk for that matter.
She is obviously being very kinky!
"When did you get a cock?!" Came my confused and delayed response.
"Uh, when I was born. What are you talking about?"
Oh fuckity fuck fuck fuck arse bastard twat.
I checked the address book on my phone. I checked the name I was sending to. Yup, Mel. I checked the number. Yup, Bill. My boss.
I had saved the wrong number.
The next day at work I didn't need any lunch - what with all the semen I had consumed and all.
(I was going to write here 'talk about getting a-head in business' but I didn't 'cos it was crap.)