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End of the World – Get Yourself Ready for God knows when

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-10-30 13:48:43 EST
Rating: 2.0 on 13 ratings (13 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Getting bored and feeling manically depressed by work, I decided to see how long I had to wait until the end of the world. I could be less selfish and kill myself, or I could just not be lazy and find another job, but neither seems right for me.

For some reason no one on the internet could give me an accurate date or time, so I decided to look into it myself to come up with some sort of idea. During my research, I checked out wikipedia, which tends to be a trusty source of random information that has the appearance of being confirmed fact.

If I’m honest, that was the bulk of my research.

You can see it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/End_of_civilization

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Apparently “It is certain that events in space will cause life on Earth to an end.”, so that’s put me one step closer to finding out the facts. But why? Will space get torn into from another universe, much like Marvel’s Annihilation story predicted? Will there be invaders from space moving in a regular, horizontal pattern instead of the more direct approach?

Interested, I read on: “The certain events, however, will happen at an extremely long timescale measured in billions of years.”

Fuck that. I’m bored now. I can’t wait for some shitty galaxy to collide with mine. That’s right, mine.

Skip that theory.

Meteorite Impact!!!! RUN FOR THE CAVES!

Is that really the best space can throw at us? We’ve got Die Hard and Frodo Baggins to deal with that shit, so it’s not going to happen.

Under the banner of less likely cosmic threats is a black hole entering our solar system. But that’s not definitely going to be a world ender. More of a relocation, so it doesn’t count. As well as gamma ray bursts and aliens all of which aren’t soon enough or in a time frame I can work out.

I think relying on space to answer my woe isn’t the answer.

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An ice age. Are they joking? Know how to stop an ice age? A fucking hairdryer. If an ice age ends humanity then we deserve to be wiped out.

A mutation of HIV that passes like a cold? Seems interesting enough as a theory, but I feel bad on Africa if I begin cheering on HIV. And then I see “…the consequences would be disastrous, but probably not fatal to the human species, as some people are immune to HIV.” Knowing my luck I’d be one of them, so fuck that.

A megatsunami would be a interesting way to go, but unless I fly out to the west Antarctic with a drill, it’s not likely to happen in my time, and nor will affect me that much.

While a supervolcano sounds quite interesting and could look awesome, it doesn’t seem like the way the world should end. And humanity would find some shitty way to survive like a big cork, and then they’d make a film about it and it would star some wanker like the little shit from the American version of The Ring and I’d just have to go on a rampage much like King Kong.

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Humanity…

<WOMAN SCREAMS AND LOOKS TO THE SKY>

<EVERYONE STOPS TO LOOK AND SCREAMS WITH HER>

“OH NO!” shouts an individual. “HUMANITY’S COMING!”

I may have been a bit quick to judge this section.

Apparently the scenario that has been explored the most is a nuclear weapon or “another weapon”. Fucking brilliant theory there. Another weapon. And then they drop this killjoy “it is difficult to predict whether it would exterminate humanity”. Great job of guessing the end of the world there random internet user who is now my mortal enemy. I hate you with a passion.

But just to keep up the vague theme:

“Another category of disasters are unforeseen consequences of technology.”

That’s not a theory. Replace technology with any word and you’ve got a decent enough ‘theory’. Unforseen consequences of corn, for example. Or paper-cuts. Or sugar-free soft drinks. How is that a theory? It’s not, that’s how.

I’m pushing hard for grey goo to be the cause. For those of you too stupid to know what grey goo is, it’s to do with self-replicating, atomised robots that would eventually eat everything alive. And when I say eventually, it would take roughly two days to a week before everything was gone and they would actually weigh more than the Earth. And it sounds fucking terrifying and awesome at the same time.

Just imagine they had started the second you read this. The world could be over before the week.

But just in case that doesn’t work out, here’s another fantastic and detailed theory:

“It has also been suggested that physical scientists might accidentally create a device that could destroy the earth and the solar system”

That’s right up there with another weapon destroying us.

Quantum Vacuum Collapse, eh? For those of you who can’t even bothered to read the first line of information on this (which is as far as I got), it’s basically a science of unbalancing something to which balance is integral. I think. Which sounds like a really lame and shite way to go. And as it’s too complicated for me to even summarise correctly, I certainly can’t work out a reasonable time-scale.

Or there’s global warming. Big yawn for that.

Brief, other theories:
- Immunity to Antibiotics. That’s just our bodies cutting off our noses to spite our collective faces. And my body’s much better than that.

- A baby bust? Fuck that. I don’t care about civil balance.

- The lack of natural selection. Sounds quite good. It basically means the strong don’t reproduce. Which makes sense. What sensible person would have a baby?

- Ecology. See Global Warming.

- Finance????? Mass unemployment? There’s always McDonalds and some Army to invade some other country. There will always be jobs.

- Infertility. Sounds like the best so far. All the sex in the world and no children to take up the swings at the park. Of course durex and Toy’s r’ Us would go out of business and the employees would have to work at McDonalds or join the Army.

- No more oil. The dinosaurs did okay until they displeased God and he wiped them out, and they didn’t have oil.

- Quantum Energy. This had one of my favourite comments in history on it:
“In the search for new quantum particles, scientists accidentally destroy the universe”

“How was the lab today, honey?”

“Oh, don’t ask.”

“That bad, huh?”

“Destroyed the universe.”

“Really?”

“Ah-huh.”

“Well you knew the risks when you became a scientist. I told you you should have become a bear baiter.”

- Telomere? So people will get old people diseases earlier? But surely as the average life expectancy extends this will all be balanced, and won’t happen for a few thousand generations, so don’t bother me with that crap.

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There is no way on Earth I’m going to go into Eschatology. I don’t trust God, Buddha or Allah to help me find the right lottery numbers, no way am I going to believe they’d end the world.

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So in summary, I’m still no closer to the end, and wikipedia suck’s pelican clit for not going into the most likely cause:

Zombies pac-man


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Submitted by Dacin at 2006-11-01 03:22:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You should check out the Exit Mundi site. It has a collection of every possible way the end of the world could happen with "scientific" facts to back them up. Interesting reading.

http://www.exitmundi.nl/

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-10-31 06:27:34 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2006-10-31 05:58:28 (#)
Ranking: 2

I reckon it will be three pronged.

1st prong: Manmade disaster: some twat will do something stupid with something deadly. Either a killer virus, like on 28 days later, only nobody will really have the balls to kill their mates with a baseball bat, or remember watching all those ray mears survival shows, and will starve to death. Or... some dictator somewhere will say "fuck you - I SO WILL detonate all my nuclear devices underground, all at once..."

Leading to 2nd prong: Natural Disaster: With everyone having some disasterous virus, the crops of the world won't get harvested, causing an inbalance on the earths crusts, leading to a shift of the axis, and all the snow caps and icebergs'll melt and we'll all drown. Or... the dictators bombs will cause a MASSIVE earthquake, that triggers a thousand other earthquakes - even in places that didnt think they could have one - releasing a shit tonne of poisonous gases that eats oxygen, and we all suffocate.

Leading to 3rd prong: anyone who's left after the virus/bombs & flooding/earthquake gassing effect will be jobless because their bosses have all died in the above scenarios... financial collapse all over the shop and anyone left over will starve to death, or be eating by the other survivors until theres only one guy called charlie left - and he killed the only other woman to reproduce with cos she burnt his best mates butt cheeks for dinner.

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All well and good, but WHEN?

Submitted by Bellebrown at 2006-10-31 05:58:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I reckon it will be three pronged.

1st prong: Manmade disaster: some twat will do something stupid with something deadly. Either a killer virus, like on 28 days later, only nobody will really have the balls to kill their mates with a baseball bat, or remember watching all those ray mears survival shows, and will starve to death. Or... some dictator somewhere will say "fuck you - I SO WILL detonate all my nuclear devices underground, all at once..."

Leading to 2nd prong: Natural Disaster: With everyone having some disasterous virus, the crops of the world won't get harvested, causing an inbalance on the earths crusts, leading to a shift of the axis, and all the snow caps and icebergs'll melt and we'll all drown. Or... the dictators bombs will cause a MASSIVE earthquake, that triggers a thousand other earthquakes - even in places that didnt think they could have one - releasing a shit tonne of poisonous gases that eats oxygen, and we all suffocate.

Leading to 3rd prong: anyone who's left after the virus/bombs & flooding/earthquake gassing effect will be jobless because their bosses have all died in the above scenarios... financial collapse all over the shop and anyone left over will starve to death, or be eating by the other survivors until theres only one guy called charlie left - and he killed the only other woman to reproduce with cos she burnt his best mates butt cheeks for dinner.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2006-10-31 05:15:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yup

Submitted by JMG114 at 2006-10-30 22:04:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"Some people are immune to HIV."

"Knowing my luck I'd be one of them, so fuck that."

Submitted by JonnyX at 2006-10-30 18:07:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

They had a teevee program on this subject the other day - they ranked the disasters by least likely to most likely - when it got to number 1, 'global warming', I just turned the teevee off.

Submitted by JoeyG at 2006-10-30 16:40:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-10-30 13:53:08 (#)
Ranking: 2

I used to type 'No Comment' when I first started using uber.

I didn't realise that was the default comment.

Stupid eh?

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I thought I was the only one....

great piece, Nath.

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2006-10-30 16:21:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

December the 21st, 2012.
I'll be 32 so my life will be essentially over anyway so I'm kinda looking forward to see how the whole thing kicks off.

Submitted by Crystle at 2006-10-30 14:39:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

well, realistically, Nath took all the good comments...

Submitted by rob_berg at 2006-10-30 14:25:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2


End of the wha...? Fuck that - pass the remote.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2006-10-30 14:09:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I always had something to say, so I never even worried about the No Comment stuff.
Now, not so much. I'm learning to love my indifference.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2006-10-30 13:56:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Same as Apollo.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-10-30 13:53:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I used to type 'No Comment' when I first started using uber.

I didn't realise that was the default comment.

Stupid eh?



Marge: Maybe it'll turn out that he was innocent all along.

Homer: Earth to Marge. Earth to Marge. I was there ... the clown's
G-I-L-L-T-Y.

Krusty Gets Busted