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LMAO That's guy's pretty sad, isn't he? Must be tough being so gay.
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Proving myself right

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-11-13 10:33:50 EST
Rating: 1.85 on 28 ratings (28 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Recently the club which I frequent has got a table-football machine (sometimes known incorrectly as foosball). If you don’t know what it is, you’re a bit of a twat, but I’ll explain anyway. It’s twenty-one plastic blokes, all fused together across eight steal bars, the idea being to play football (or ‘soccer’) in possibly the most frustrating and impractical way. And it’s loads of fun, especially when drunk.

Naturally the two things work perfectly in the club environment, providing cheap drink and cheap play and a fantastic opportunity to challenge child and shout abuse and spray them with whisky every time you score past them. Some of their parents get a bit funny when you hold them in the air and tell everyone to “point and laugh at the loser”, but it’s their fault. If you can’t handle the heat, don’t send your kid in with a water gun to put out a bush fire.

After a few weeks of smashing seven shades of shit out of the machine, breaking it twice and already learning how to cheat in several ways without anyone noticing, one of the guys who works on the club committee with me organised a round-robin (which means everyone plays everyone else), with eleven teams of two.

Because I’m a bastard and deserved some sort of penance, the random draw resulted in me being teamed up with one of the three children who was playing, which is real shitty luck as I was the one doing the random draw. The kid was a pain in the fucking ass. He only held onto one bar at a time, opting to lean on the table instead, leaving the keeper with his legs facing upwards, making an open goal.

After several beatings, a few death threats against his family and attempts to bribe him, I told his dad, who told him to play properly and we went on to do quite well and came in fourth.

All-in-all, it was quite a good night, albeit long and tiring. Which demonstrates the said state of the British drinking culture who struggle with three hours of non-sequential exercise, which basically involved nothing more than leaning over the table and spinning your hand.

When everyone had gone, I did my committee man bit, and stayed behind to help clear up and put the place back to a reasonable state and then we crashed down for a drink after hours to chill out. After a short while my long ignored bladder began crying, which basically meant I was verging on pissing myself. Being polite as ever, I quietly excused myself and gently strolled to the lavatory.

Truth is, I shouted “Gonna piss meself.” And sprinted down the full length of the club.

When I was on the way back up from the toilet, I heard a gentle panting in the corner where everything like the pool table, skittle equipment, table football and other table games were kept. It wasn’t uncommon for a dog to wonder into the club through the open backdoor, so I approached slowly, but it was too dark to make it out.

As I got closer, the panting sound grew, but I still couldn’t make out the shape of the dog anywhere. And then I heard:

“Shit. Quiet, he’s close.” Coming from inside the table football. Knowing how much I hadn’t drank that night I was a bit upset that I was already fucked up enough to be hearing stuff.

“He’s drunk, he won’t think it’s true.” One of the little plastic men read my mind it seemed.

Silently I peered over the top of the table, and instantly the group of shadowed players straightened up from their more relaxed, doubled over position. One of them strayed a glance towards me and caught me straight in the eyes. The stare only lasted an instant and then he spun to look forwards again in a panic.

I think I screamed like a ten year old girl. A butch girl, but a girl nonetheless.

---

When everyone had dragged me away from the table and sat me back in the lounge, they eventually calmed me down and I was able to tell them what had happened. The explanation was greeted by a series of disbelieving and mocking locks and snorts. Indignant, I insisted what I had seen had really happened.

“I believe you,” Dave said.

“Really?” I asked hopefully.

“Course not, you fucking psycho.”

Mentally a sucker punched Dave in the sack while pile-driving his ugly, hairy wife.

After a little more discussing and arguing, mostly against me and my insistence that the little plastic men were alive, we all decided to call it a night and head home. Some of them just thought I was off face despite being sober, others thought I lacked imagination and was just making it.

On the way home I made a plan for the next day.

---

When I turned up down the club before it was due to open the next morning, I snuck down the side towards the car park and sneaked a look in at the table. It was hard to see with the glare of the morning sun, but I could just about make it out. All the players were leaning over, fast asleep. One of them was twitching a bit, obviously dreaming about arms or something.

I pulled the camera out of my bag and aimed it up at the table. The picture was a shit quality against the window, which meant I had to get inside. I knew the security code, but I didn’t have a key. And then the stewardess turned up to do the cleaning and preparation for the lunchtime crowd.

She didn’t even ask for a reason, already deciding I was a young eccentric and let me in. Quietly I pulled a chair up to the table football and sat next to it, video camera next to me, ready for action, as well as an audio recorder. The stewardess just ignored me and carried on doing her job, but the second she was out of sight, the red keeper turned and looked straight at me, its plain eyes staring intensely into my human ones.

“You’ll never catch us, fucker.” It smiled. Instantly I reached for either of the pieces of equipment. “We’ve been doing this for longer than you’ve been alive.”

He fell silent after that and returned to his position of facing forward and smiling in a shitty, 1980s way. I set the cassette recorder down again and leaned in real close to the keeper, so my lips were hovering just above its head as I spoke in a low tone.

“You’ll lumps of plastic.” I muttered, upset by my own shitty threat. “I can’t imagine it’ll take much to outsmart you.”

Before I knew what happened, the keeper spun around on its own and its stubby little legs kicked me hard in the mouth. Feeling stupid and outsmarted by a lump of plastic, I slumped back down in my chair, recording equipment ready.

My siege had begun…


you belive me dont you george  george  george its gone dark george theres a hole in the back of my head george whats happening george.jpg
you belive me dont you george george george its gone dark george theres a hole in the back of my head george whats happening george.jpg


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Reviews


Submitted by HotWillie at 2006-11-13 22:51:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Life101 at 2006-11-13 21:13:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by TheUniter at 2006-11-13 13:44:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2006-11-13 13:33:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh, you ass munch -

My old roommate (or "flat mate" to you) used to have a foosball table. Long story short, I may inherit it soon and I was thinking about a post of them playing against me for their freedom. You somehow managed to beat me to it. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Submitted by TheCrystalShip at 2006-11-13 13:19:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Pentameter at 2006-11-13 13:16:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This was awesome to read since you wrote it in all of your English glory.

Submitted by The_Yellow_Dart at 2006-11-13 13:07:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I bet I could beat you at foosball (or table-football as you like to call it). I happen to have my own table and am very well practised at it.
I don't even bother being modest about it, I just plain rock at foosball.
(great post btw).

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2006-11-13 12:59:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Despite your "English" english, which I detest, because the words are myself, soccer (not football)
and foosEball, this was good.

Americans took over this world, and we don't care if you "invented" the language, it's ours now, and anything you say otherwise is wrong.

Submitted by scourge at 2006-11-13 12:35:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by garudave at 2006-11-13 11:57:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ha!

Submitted by Beano312003 at 2006-11-13 11:56:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Friend of mine turned down a dance with a lady (debatable) because we were playing table football at he time (some kind of gay bar set up affair in Taunton.... don't ask). How fucking bad is that?

She had to go back and tell her friends he didn't want to dance because he was playing a child games with his friends.

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2006-11-13 11:56:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Crystle at 2006-11-13 11:51:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:43:01 (#)
Ranking: 2

I don't review your posts nearly enough.

Submitted by Davros at 2006-11-13 11:03:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-11-13 11:02:33 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-13 11:00:11 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:47:01 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:43:01 (#)
Ranking: 2

I don't review your posts nearly enough.

---

Same here, mate. But I don't review nearly enough generally. Despite already having reviewed my own post twice in three minutes.

---

Just wanted to let you know that I read your stuff.

And that I love you, of course.

But that goes without saying. You've been receiving my boxes of chocolates, flowers and assorted other mating ritual gifts. You know that by now.

---

That was you??

I've been giving my girlfriend the special love for weeks, thinking it was her.

Thanks for telling me. Nothing but a backdoor surprise for her from now on.

Submitted by tartpumper at 2006-11-13 11:00:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Im in Calabar, Cross River state. I will post all Ive done here one day including a post I want to make called 'the handcapped boys penis' but in Nigeria no-one gives a shit about privacy they just come over and read you screen. I will post....promise.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2006-11-13 11:00:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:47:01 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:43:01 (#)
Ranking: 2

I don't review your posts nearly enough.

---

Same here, mate. But I don't review nearly enough generally. Despite already having reviewed my own post twice in three minutes.

---

Just wanted to let you know that I read your stuff.

And that I love you, of course.

But that goes without saying. You've been receiving my boxes of chocolates, flowers and assorted other mating ritual gifts. You know that by now.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2006-11-13 10:59:57 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I played soccer and by default I know it's 22 players, not 21 and I counted as well.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-11-13 10:56:23 EST (#)
Rating: 1

you've got 45 mins that is approx 43 mins more than you used to spend on your posts!

nigeria? fucking hell?

i was there not so long ago.

where about are you?

i was in lagos then port harcourt.


Submitted by tartpumper at 2006-11-13 10:54:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well not for good just for the next...let me see.....46 minutes and 40 secs. Im volunteering in Nigeria and Im skiving off. Im in an internet cafe just because everywhere else is fucking boiling. Been doing loads of cool shit though....maybe I'll post some stuff..... if i get time

Submitted by apollo88 at 2006-11-13 10:51:26 EST (#)
Rating: 1

ish



on another note:

fucking hell tartpumper is back.


Submitted by tartpumper at 2006-11-13 10:49:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:46:11 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:41:08 (#)
Ranking: 1

+2 for "All the players were leaning over, fast asleep. One of them was twitching a bit, obviously dreaming about arms or something. "

-1 for the first paragraph being overly british sounding

---

Yeah, that's a side-effect of my nationality, numbnuts.

"Recently the bar which I go on has got a foosball table. If you don't know what it is, you're a bit of an asshole, but I'll explain anyway. It's twenty-one plastic dudes, all stuck together across eight steal rods, the idea being to play soccer in possibly the most annoying and <dumb word for impractical> way. And it's da bomb, especially when drunk."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Stop! I just laughed out loud in a Nigerian internet cafe! Loads of black people looked at me....
(NB: Im British by the way not Nigerian)

Submitted by JoeyG at 2006-11-13 10:47:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've never trusted the little plastic fuckers.

This more than justifies my paranoid persecution of them.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-11-13 10:47:01 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:43:01 (#)
Ranking: 2

I don't review your posts nearly enough.

---

Same here, mate. But I don't review nearly enough generally. Despite already having reviewed my own post twice in three minutes.

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-11-13 10:46:11 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2006-11-13 10:41:08 (#)
Ranking: 1

+2 for "All the players were leaning over, fast asleep. One of them was twitching a bit, obviously dreaming about arms or something. "

-1 for the first paragraph being overly british sounding

---

Yeah, that's a side-effect of my nationality, numbnuts.

"Recently the bar which I go on has got a foosball table. If you don't know what it is, you're a bit of an asshole, but I'll explain anyway. It's twenty-one plastic dudes, all stuck together across eight steal rods, the idea being to play soccer in possibly the most annoying and <dumb word for impractical> way. And it's da bomb, especially when drunk."

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2006-11-13 10:43:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I don't review your posts nearly enough.

Submitted by kuroneko_sama at 2006-11-13 10:41:08 EST (#)
Rating: 1

+2 for "All the players were leaning over, fast asleep. One of them was twitching a bit, obviously dreaming about arms or something. "

-1 for the first paragraph being overly british sounding

Submitted by tartpumper at 2006-11-13 10:38:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"I believe you," Dave said.

"Really?" I asked hopefully.

"Course not, you fucking psycho."
--------------------------------------

"Dreaming about arms or something"

------------------------------

Classic best thing Ive read in the 2 days of me being back.


The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes
... Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty -- that was our planet! You
maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

-- Homer Simpson
Deep Space Homer