I'm Going to Have to Be Extra Careful From Now OnSubmitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2006-11-23 07:27:11 EST
Rating: 1.95 on 23 ratings (23 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
“Whistle a happy tune with me, World!” I called out on my way over to the shop. Promptly the world began whistling in time with my chirpy little song. As gay as it seemed, the world was great. It had been over two days since I had last tripped over, banged my head, fallen up or down the stairs, swallowed pins, burnt my hand, crashed a car, had a fight or anything else to cause myself notable physical injury.
As I passed the garages which stood near the shop at work, I heard a proper war scream, which was instantly followed by a person flying out of seemingly nowhere to rugby tackle me hard to the ground. I slammed into the floor like an overweight sack of shit, splashing through the large puddle that had always been there, even during the drought. I struggled to push myself up to my feet and face my attacker, but he quickly kick me hard in the ribs and then in the head.
I don’t know how long I was knocked out for, but it must have been a while. When I woke up I was sat in a dark room, tied to a chair with just a single lamp shade hanging about with a crappy little bulb that seemed to be approaching the end of its life. Next to me was another chair, with another person also bound and gagged.
The whole was too familiar…
“Oh shit.” My mind screamed at me. “This is where Zed comes in.”
I began flinching and pulling myself around as much as possible, desperate to free myself before the imminent buggery and after-love spooning that I assume gay rapists insist on. But it was no good. The knots were far too well done.
The man in the chair next to me was just coming around and he noticed me, but wasn’t struck with the same sense of panic as me. Maybe he swung that way anyway. His eyes did grow wide when he noticed me, so maybe I was on his wish list.
There was a loud bang as the door swung open violently and in walked the man who I’d only managed a glimpse of before he tackled me to the ground. He didn’t look happy, despite have too fresh dishes served up in front of him.
“You two fuckers,” He said, walking around behind and untied the other man’s gag. “Are now going to pay for what you’ve done to me.”
ME? I’d never met the guy in my life, what the hell had I done to him?
“That’s typical of you,” The other man said with his mouth now free. Meanwhile our captor moved along and starting untying my gag. “Always blaming someone else…”
“RAPE!” I screamed at the top of my voice the second my mouth was free. The next few seconds got a little awkward as both men just looked at me strangely. Maybe this wasn’t going to be what I had dreaded. That was a bonus, as nothing could really be worse.
“I’m not going to rape you, you fucking idiot.” The man said.
“Damn right, your not.” I threw my body backwards as hard as I could, managing to tip the chair. As I fell back, my plan was to flick my leg up high and kick the man in the face. In retrospect it was a bad idea, as I had not thought any further than that, and it would probably just piss him off even more.
Luckily it didn’t work. I hadn’t anticipated how slowly I’d tip back and my captor just moved a little bit and let me fall onto the floor. I didn’t help myself by screaming hiiiii-ya on the way and doing the Bruce Lee sound effect before missing.
“You see!” The man was saying to the other person he had captured. “It’s stupid shit like this that got me fired.”
“I didn’t get you fired.” I said from the floor, wishing my hands were free so I could rub my head where I had just banged it. “I’ve never met you.”
“He was your guardian angel.” The man in the chair said, barely able to turn around and look at me. “But he got fired because he’s crap at the job.”
“I’M NOT CRAP!” The man screeched. “He’s just a fucking klutz!”
“Am not.” I was starting to get comfortable in my new position on the floor. “I’m just unlucky.”
“No,” The man said from the chair. “You’re a moron.”
“And who the hell are you?” I stopped trying to look at the man, because my neck was hurting from the strain.
“I’m your new guardian angel.” He said, looking less angelic than a pork chop.
“Great job your doing.” I muttered.
“I’m tied to a fucking chair.” He tried to spit on me, but he couldn’t look around fair enough either and just missed completely. I tried to spit back, but just ended up landing it on myself.
“Now,” The captor interrupted. “One of you two are responsible for me losing my job. Either you,” He pointed at me. “Because your stupid and would need a full-time team of people. Or you,” He looked at my new ‘angel’. “Because if they didn’t have someone to replace me, they wouldn’t have got rid of me. When you decide who it is, I will kill them, and the other one can go free.”
There was another loud bang as he walked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him.
Five minutes later my angel and I hadn’t said a word to each other. I was mainly concentrating on the increase of blood that I could feel flowing into my head. Finally he spoke to me.
“Well I’m sorry, but it has to be your fault.” He didn’t sound sorry at all. The bastard.
“Fuck that. You’re my guardian angel. It’s your job to get killed for me.”
“Doesn’t work like that.”
“Yes it does. You’re just making up the rules.”
“How would you know about the rules? Ten minutes ago you didn’t even know you had a guardian angel.”
“Which I didn’t if it causes this kind of shit.”
We argued for a little bit longer, then stopped talking for a while and then finally I came up with a plan.
“Okay.” I said. “How about this. We tell him that we’ve decided that it should be you who takes the fall, in the line of duty and all that bollocks,”
“Let me finish. And then when he lets me go, I don’t go, but I beat him up and free you and we’re both free. Sound good?”
“Maybe it should be the other way around. And he lets me go and I beat him up.”
“No offence, but you don’t look that tough. You did caught by him.”
“SO DID YOU!”
“He blind-sided me.”
“You really think you can take him?” He sounded like he was warming to the idea.
“Sure. I’ve got a few moves up my sleeve.”
When the rogue angel finally returned, we told the story exactly as we had discussed it. He didn’t seem to question it at all, so the plan was going perfectly. Without a word he walked around behind me, untied the ropes and told me I was free.
“Okay.” I said. “But before, have one of these!” I screamed hiiiiii-ya and did my Bruce Lee sound again as I kicked him hard in the sack. Except there was no sack.
“Angels are asexual, numb-nuts.” He looked at me, unimpressed with the lack of force from my kick.
“What the fuck was that?” The angel in the chair yelled at me.
“My legs are sore.” I muttered.
The angel just looked at me with complete and utter shame, while the other one just nodded towards the door. Turning I sprinted out of the door, slamming it shut behind me. Screams inside the room echoed down the corridor, following me all the way to the outside where I burst to freedom, and a life without a guardian angel.
That was yesterday. Since then I’ve fallen down two flights of stairs, nearly got hit by a car door, banged my head on a garage, fallen out of a window whilst having a shower and brought a Mars Bar instead of a Snickers.
Life’s going to be a bit more difficult from now on.