Being a Prick ain't always easySubmitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2007-01-05 09:48:17 EST
Rating: 1.59 on 30 ratings (30 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I walked in through the door to the building at work today, declaring I was a man eater, that I’d make you work, make you spend hard and make you want all of me love, when Bryan walked out of the first office I came up to.
“Whoa Nelly!” He said as we nearly collided and started laughing at himself.
“Not funny!” I screamed, before doing the splits and smashing him in the sack with my fist, Johnny Cage style. Just as I was about to upper cut his head off, I heard a faint music which was growing louder. It was the unmistakable noise of the Duelling Banjos. Bringing myself back up to height level I turned to see Tony.
“Still got the soundtrack, Tony?” I asked, turning to walk alongside him.
“It’s ridiculous.” He muttered, sounding depressed. “You get have drunken sex with your brother ONCE and you get stuck with this for God knows how long.” Poor Tony. Poor, sick, disgusting, sexually confused Tony.
Spotting an escape, I took advantage of a corridor and walked down it. But as they were made for being walked down, I don’t see it as taking advantage. I give corridors meaning, I give them substance and purpose. Without me, corridors would just be wasted bits of space. If I wasn’t already the patron saint of being a prick, I’d be the one for corridors.
Coming towards me was Fat Rebecca.
“Hi Fat Rebecca.” I said, putting my hand up while I tried to work out a way around.
“You don’t have to call me that anymore.” She whined. “I’ve lost a lot of weight.”
“Is that because your boyfriend left you or peer pressure?” I asked, trying to sound sympathetic, but really just wanting to carry on singing.
“It was because of you!” She upgraded from a whine to a screech. It wasn’t attractive. When I told her so she went to a high pitch. “You gave me an eating disorder!”
“Not really a disorder if it worked.” I muttered, wondering how much chocolate she had flowing through her veins. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.”
I heard her mumble that I was a prick under her breath as I squeezed past, despite her now being dangerously under weight. But I didn’t mind. I was use to it, as people don’t like hearing the brutal truth followed by a heavy amount of denial and a bit of self-praise. I think it’s penis envy.
My last stop before going into my own office was to find Darren. He had a new person with him this morning, and I felt it was my duty to go in there and inform them about all of the problems with Darren and what to look out for with other people in the building, like Fat Rebecca, Incest Tony and Ass-Crack Paul.
Sure enough, when I entered the room there was Darren and the new person whose name I didn’t remember.
“You want me to turn this around?” I asked Darren, holding up the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign, offering to change it to ‘Come On In’ side.
“You might as well, as you just clearly ignored it.” He said in his usual, frumpy voice.
“You the new person?” I asked the young lad who looked to be about five years older than me.
“Yeah.” He said back. “Whose this hairy bastard?” He looked at Darren, clearly implying that I was a bastard. I felt a bit hurt. Obviously this guy was tired or maybe a bit retarded.
“This is Nath.” Darren said. “Nath, this is Gary.”
“Hello Gary.” I said in a soft, quiet tone, not wanting to scare him off or put him in a spastic attack. “Are you new?”
“Don’t patronise me, asshole.” He said. “What do you want?”
I stood up straight and walked away. Mental illness or not, I refused to be spoken to like that.
When I was in my office a little later, the whole thing still hadn’t left my mind. I turned in my chair to one of my colleagues.
“Smelly Dave,” I had to shout because he was on the phone. He just raised a hand to me, while cupping the phone to the side of his head with his other one. “How obnoxious.” I sat there and started tapping on the desk, waiting for him to finish, just so he didn’t forget that I wanted to speak to him.
After what seemed like forever he finally hung up.
“Can you not shout at me when I’m on the phone!”
“Don’t take so long then.” I said, getting annoyed with people in work today. They all seemed to have a problem.
“It was my wife!”
“I thought you were getting a divorce?”
“So you’d rather talk to that whore than to a trusted colleague?” I shock my head, ignoring whatever response he gave. “I never liked her anyway. You know that new boy that’s working with Darren?”
“Yeah. What about him?”
“What’s his job?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him yet. Check out his job description. They’re all on the system.”
That was very true. And a very good idea. I spat my gum, aiming for the bin, instead just hitting the pile of all my other misses, and turned to my network machine. It wasn’t long before I was accessing the shared drive and looking in the job descriptions folder. When I found the new guy’s, I tried to open it, but it came up restricted. I tried a few others and managed to get in with no problem whatsoever. Something was very fishy. Apart from Dave’s armpits. He didn’t say anything when I told him that and carried on working.
Feeling like my joke was wasted, I went to find someone who could tell me about this Gary and what he was doing in the building.
“What?!” I screamed at Catherine the personnel lady, who was still sat calmly, staring across at me and the filing cabinet just behind me. Poor cow was bog eyed.
“You pushed us to it.” She said, keeping her calm level.
“How did I?”
“You’re such a prick here, we can’t handle it!” She shouted.
“The first thing you said to me when we got back from Christmas was ‘see you still haven’t got the eye thing sorted’” She looked mad.
“That’s no reason to get someone to ‘out prick me’.” Her words, not mine. “Are you seriously telling me this guy is here for no other reason than to distract me from everyone else’s faults?”
“Is that why you hired Smelly Dave? To distract me from Sam’s slight stink and put me onto his awful one?”
“No, that was just bad luck.”
I left Catherine’s office feeling totally pissed off. At the other end of the corridor, I saw Gary just walking out of the women’s toilet, closely followed by Judy. He was zipping up and she was straightening her skirt out. He caught my eye and smiled an evil smile.
If he wanted a war, I’d give him a war he’d never forget.
To be either:
1) Continued, or;
b) Forgotten about