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Destroying a year in the space of a week

Submitted by Spam at 2007-01-09 18:21:39 EST
Rating: 1.95 on 57 ratings (57 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

“When do I get my money boss?

“Soon, Sam. Soon.”

I guess I have to smile. What else is there to do?



There’s no furniture in my lounge, just a 14” portable TV in the corner with a tattered old beige cushion lying next to it where I sit whenever I feel like a change of scenery. The rest of the room is 150 square foot of high-ceilinged Georgian waste. And it’s here I sit with that smile on my face, splitting old fag ends over a calendar from my local take-away ready to collect some of the rancid, second-hand tobacco and make it into something that at least looks like the first cigarette of year.

Beneath the stinking shreds of tar-stained leaf, I can see that 2006 was the Chinese year of the Dog. My Animal. My year. And you’d know it too. Right from the stroke of midnight when my now ex-girlfriend slunk her arms around my neck and kissed me for the first time, everything was fucking beautiful. Dogss are faithful and I planned to be with this girl for ever.

Then, New Yearss day, as I’m leaving her house almost saturated with that self-congratulatory sense of smugness that can only come after fucking the shit out of somebody who you really think could be quite special, I get the call from my now ex-employers stating that yes, they would like to hire me for the job that pays 3 times as much as I’ve ever earnt and infinitely more than I was getting for sitting on my arse smoking pot.

It’s amazing how much your fortune can change in a day but it’s always a worry, because you know already that one day, maybe sometime far into the future, it’s all gonna change back.

But it didn’t.

Even the inevitable split from the girl was good for me, the shine from layers of false interest and pseudo-personality having worn off,. I found somebody that was harmless and fun to be with but for whom I had no feelings for whatsoever. Dogs are honest, the calendar says, and they have a strong code of ethics, so I told her straight and broke her heart, taking solace that at least I did things right



“When am I getting my Rent money Sam?”

Soon.



And the year crept on, Winter to Spring, Summer to Autumn. And all the while the money rolls in. Thousands of pounds. In six months I earnt more than the previous two years combined. But you know, it’s not the money that’s important, It’s what you do with it.

And fuck me this dog could tell you some stories, probably will at some point. Stupid things that I shouldn’t take any pride in. Stinking out an entire floor of The Savoy Hotel with the pungent smell of high grade skunk after holding an all night party in one of their non-smoking suites. Washing down almost uncut cocaine with £350 bottles of champagne. Going to the Reading festival in an Armani suit, just for the fuck of it. The embarrassment of asking the overly snobby staff of Simpson’s-on-the-Strand to take back my drink because I didn’t realise that when you order a Remy Martin and coke they assume you mean a glass of Louis XIII at £160 a fucking SHOT. Twats had already put Pepsi in it too.

Right up to new year again, when ridiculously, I had two women almost desperately trying to get me to go home with them, one on either side, each with a mischievous hand stroking the inside of one of my thighs, only to discover their competition when they met in the middle. But Dogs are dogmatic see and there was only going to be one winner there, so it was the ex on my right that I accompanied home for a pre-arranged one night only fuck.

And then it’s all over. The bells ring and people cheer.

Auld Langs Syne is still playing somewhere back in that smoky laughter filled pub when things start to shift but it’s not until we’re in bed and she says “I’ve decided that it’s probably best if we don’t sleep together tonight if we’re gonna get back together.” that I realise that my year’s over.

And it’s shit like this why I don’t do one-night-stands.



The Calendar says 2007 is the year of the Pig so it’s almost no surprise when, on January 2nd, the black and green monitor still reads -£1205.67 and I already know what the answer’s gonna be when I make my phone call.



“There’s been some problem with your pay Sam.”

No fucking shit.

“Don’t worry, everybody else has been paid.”

That’s a great comfort.

“But we haven’t been paid any of you commissions for some reason”.

But my new house doesn’t even have any furniture.

“I know, we’re trying to sort it out before you come back off holiday.”



Don’t kick a dog, cos that mother fucker’ll bite you right back. But it seems somewhere along the line I lost my bark. At least for a week.



“Seriously Boss, When the fuck am I getting my money? I haven’t even got any food in my house”

“The best we can do is next pay day.”

“What, the one that’s Three Fucking Weeks away?”

“Yeah.”

“Well fuck you then, I quit.”



So I smile.

But it’s not a sad smile, not that hopeless simper of the widow dealing with fawning grievers at her husband's wake. No folks, this mother fucker’s genuine.

And I’m smiling because everything I’ve just described is fucking bullshit, it all means nothing. Women, booze, money, drugs - that shit’s as empty as my living room. That's not what this life's all about.


It's about Eating cold beans from the tin because you’ve got no money to put in the electric meter and no hot water to do the washing up. It’s all about sleeping fully clothed under the blankets because heating during winter has suddenly become a luxury.


Somewhere down the line I lost all this, forgot the struggle, got soft, grew complacent. But I missed it man, and I can’t even tell you why. I guess you just can’t get any satisfaction from something that comes easy and I tell you now folks, as I open bills I can’t pay and prepare to light this foul, piss and bonfire stinking excuse for a roll up, I’ll tell you the one thing on this page that’s maybe a hundred percent honest.


It’s fucking good to be alive.








Happy new year all.jpg
Happy new year all.jpg


Review This Item

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Reviews


Submitted by slate1 at 2011-07-11 15:59:59 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by tatersninja at 2008-09-12 14:47:41 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-01-09 20:42:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I was once so poor I had to resort to eating the apples off my neighbours tree.
______________________________________________________________________________

That's hilarious.

I haven't been paid in like 3 weeks, still waiting. Gonna go forget about it at the bars in 3 hours.

Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-17 13:50:29 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Spam. I hope this works--goddamn thing took me an hour to write.

Submitted by Linus at 2008-08-16 11:12:05 EDT (#)
Rating: -2

LOL

Submitted by mrwolf at 2008-08-16 10:57:23 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Fucking brilliant

Submitted by monkeyswithguns at 2007-12-02 11:50:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yup.

Submitted by rorrim at 2007-12-02 08:48:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Take care. I know how it feels. Life is great, hmmm?

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2007-12-02 07:51:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well, this was just fucking excellent.

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2007-07-10 01:19:19 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ghola at 2007-06-25 20:46:25 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by experima at 2007-05-26 20:51:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

howdy

Submitted by burt_mianus at 2007-03-12 17:45:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

much as I am the most hated writer on this site, I have to say Spam that it really lights up my day when reading your posts.... the one about getting sacked circled the office several times!

Submitted by JoeyG at 2007-01-11 05:05:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

First class

Submitted by Spam at 2007-01-10 17:48:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Somebody who should be above the 'below' gag below.

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V

Submitted by apollo88 at 2007-01-10 16:55:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

oooh it's GREAT to be back lads!

Simpering idiot below
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V

Submitted by Spam at 2007-01-10 13:30:56 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-01-10 13:19:08 (#)
Ranking: 2

On a purely selfish note.

It's good to see you back here Spamuel.

-Dave

--

depressingly, it's rather good to BE back.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2007-01-10 13:28:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2007-01-10 10:11:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

Breaking football transfer news:

Michael Jackson is signing for Liverpool.

Apparently the prospect of being spanked by eleven kids at home was too good a proposition to turn down.

I thank you. I'm here all week. """



Text cannot adequately convey my contempt for this joke, Dervel, Norwich in general and football.


Submitted by Davros at 2007-01-10 13:19:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

On a purely selfish note.

It's good to see you back here Spamuel.

-Dave

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2007-01-10 12:16:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yep: - http://www.drinkon.com/Details/AR0042/Detail/Armagnac+and+Cognac

I was SOO fucking tempted to drink it and put in on the work's tab. Looking back, I guess I shuould've.

============

I like how that website claims to be owned by a Scottish company, yet all the whisky on there is fucking shite.

Submitted by Spam at 2007-01-10 11:56:16 EST (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by Dervel at 2007-01-10 10:11:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Breaking football transfer news:

Michael Jackson is signing for Liverpool.

Apparently the prospect of being spanked by eleven kids at home was too good a proposition to turn down.

I thank you. I'm here all week.

Submitted by Nellypaal at 2007-01-10 07:06:33 EST (#)
Rating: 1

It's a pain in the arse when the fucks in payroll balls it up.

Submitted by Spam at 2007-01-10 05:36:33 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-01-10 05:15:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

Gosh.

Seriously?

160 squidders a SHOT?

Heeeectic.

--

Yep: - http://www.drinkon.com/Details/AR0042/Detail/Armagnac+and+Cognac

I was SOO fucking tempted to drink it and put in on the work's tab. Looking back, I guess I shuould've.

Submitted by phuzzygish at 2007-01-10 05:15:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Gosh.

Seriously?

160 squidders a SHOT?

Heeeectic.

Submitted by Dervel at 2007-01-10 04:57:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well, I feel better.

Top stuff, Spam.

Submitted by hour_man at 2007-01-10 04:24:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Rock on.

Submitted by Berty at 2007-01-10 04:19:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Nice.

Submitted by Beano312003 at 2007-01-10 04:10:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Great story.

Submitted by Amontillado at 2007-01-10 02:17:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam at 2007-01-10 01:48:44 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-01-09 22:28:06 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-01-09 19:19:03 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-09 19:17:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

That's what happens when you give a pikey some cash.

Can't handle it.
--

good luck in the FA cup.

===

They're already out of that, beaten by Arsenal on Saturday. Tonight was the Carling Cup, which they were humiliated in, again by Arsenal. Worst defeat at Anfield since 1930. Ho Ho.

This post was excellent.

--

that was sort of the point

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-01-09 22:29:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Testicletastic.

Submitted by HurtByTheSun at 2007-01-09 22:28:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-01-09 19:19:03 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-09 19:17:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

That's what happens when you give a pikey some cash.

Can't handle it.
--

good luck in the FA cup.

===

They're already out of that, beaten by Arsenal on Saturday. Tonight was the Carling Cup, which they were humiliated in, again by Arsenal. Worst defeat at Anfield since 1930. Ho Ho.

This post was excellent.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2007-01-09 22:19:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-01-09 20:43:30 (#)
Ranking: 2

I will send you one Australian dollar. Buy yourself a condo in Wellington.

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It's better than anything austraaaaalia has to offer

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-01-09 21:38:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DeathJester (user info) at 2007-01-09 19:08:22 (#)
Ranking: 2

This has B@W all over it.
----------------
seconded. this was very enjoyable.

Submitted by marginwalker at 2007-01-09 21:22:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Lovely Read

Submitted by Siren at 2007-01-09 21:11:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-01-09 20:43:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I will send you one Australian dollar. Buy yourself a condo in Wellington.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2007-01-09 20:42:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I was once so poor I had to resort to eating the apples off my neighbours tree.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-01-09 20:22:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Feels good, don't it?

Submitted by Targa at 2007-01-09 20:04:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

... the cold beans out of the can did it for me. That sucks.

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-01-09 19:54:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Excellent.

Submitted by ilikesteak at 2007-01-09 19:48:24 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I like.

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2007-01-09 19:36:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ballsy

Submitted by Soley_Trinity at 2007-01-09 19:32:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

What an engrossing read. Riches to rags and all that.



Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-01-09 19:29:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-01-09 19:19:03 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-09 19:17:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

That's what happens when you give a pikey some cash.

Can't handle it.
--

good luck in the FA cup.
----------------------
must be nice to have a cup competition even liverpool can qualify for. btw if you'd cut your hair Fabio you could save on conditioner.

Submitted by locksly at 2007-01-09 19:28:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Cyrus at 2007-01-09 19:20:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

an interesting read

Submitted by Spam at 2007-01-09 19:19:03 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-01-09 19:17:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

That's what happens when you give a pikey some cash.

Can't handle it.
--

good luck in the FA cup.

Submitted by apollo88 at 2007-01-09 19:17:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That's what happens when you give a pikey some cash.

Can't handle it.


Submitted by 8track at 2007-01-09 19:11:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DeathJester at 2007-01-09 19:08:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

This has B@W all over it.

Submitted by mikethescottish at 2007-01-09 19:01:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Bloody effective writing.

Submitted by MANICMOTHER at 2007-01-09 18:58:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by sweetcheebs at 2007-01-09 18:55:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I love reading about the suffering of others.

Submitted by joedaddy at 2007-01-09 18:28:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

been there a few times

Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-01-09 18:24:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

go to the bar and order

1 bourbon
1 scotch
and
1 beer

Submitted by Spam at 2007-01-09 18:22:48 EST (#)
Rating: -2

before anybody says it, I already know that Chinese new year doesn't fall exactly on New years day.


I'll work from midnight to eight, come home, sleep for five minutes, eat
breakfast, sleep six more minutes, shower, then I have ten minutes to bask
in Lisa's love, then I'm off to the power plant fresh as a daisy.

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Pony