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It's a Kidney, NOT a Crayon

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-01-11 06:19:15 EST
Rating: 1.75 on 28 ratings (28 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

The skytrain is filled with a wonderfully eclectic mix of people.

They get on the train, ride to their destination...pretending not to notice each other, but stealing sideways glances when they think nobody is looking. Pretending to be alone in a sea of people. Heads up, staring vapidly out of the window at the city as it rushes by, or hunkered down - noses buried deep in books, talking on their phones, listening to their ipods, or perusing the free paper.

When the train is busy, packed like sardines we stand, shifting body weight in a rigid dance...careful not to press ourselves into the person in front of us. Gripping plastic loops and metal bars, flexing and relaxing...aware of our surroundings but not wanting to admit to their existence. Blissful ignorance...a standby crutch when we are forced into close quarters with strangers.

I do the same...

*crack*

Somebody has just smacked me on the ass. Hard. I can feel a stinging pain and the heat of embarrassment mixed with anger flow to my face. I feel instantly victimized. There is NO way contact of that sort could be accidental. Do I turn and give a menacing glare? Do I pretend it didn't happen? I'm alone here. Alone in this sardine can, packed in with others like me...side by side and yet by myself. Sardines...packed in cottonseed oil, smeared on toast. At this particular moment, are we that different? In some ways our condition is worse...instead of stewing with one another, dead in an oily mess, we are forced to stand, stewing in stagnant air, the sickness of others, and depending on the car you get into, the smell of either stale urine or vomit.

Fuck that, I'm turning.

There, sitting on one of the benches behind me, is Titi. A breath of relief. I really didn't want to have to kick anyone's ass...seeings how I'm so incredibly powerful and all. Titi's full name is TingTing, which makes me think of the little cymbals belly dancers attach to their fingers as they sashay around...a dance for women with hips. My co-worker and friend gestures to the seat next to her and I sit down...we are still waiting for Chris to get on.

"Are you excited?"
"Absolutely".

Chris...the straightest sounding gay man I've ever met. Everybody's mother, ridiculously outspoken, one of my best friends, and the one person on the skytrain who will remind you of exactly where you are.

He's just recently come out as being gay...which is a big step for him, but with this new found confidence in his orientation, he feels the need to scream it from the rooftops. I'm sure this will lessen...I just need to give him time. He steps onto the train...standing room only. Looking down, he sees a picture...a crappy shot taken in a crappy photo machine at the mall. Perhaps it fell out of somebodies wallet...or perhaps there was an argument. A broken friendship and the subsequent removal of tokens of affection. Perhaps the wallet had been stolen and the thief was randomly throwing away things he or she found no use for. Regardless as to why it was there, Trevor picks it up. Two girls and a boy, crammed into one of those little booths, two of them smiling at the camera - the other turned sideways...licking the boy on the cheek.

Leaning over to a complete stranger on the train, Trevor begins to speak. I close my eyes.

"Hey!"
"Er...hello".
"How are you?"
"Um...good...and you?"
"I'M GAY".
The man looks to me for help.

"He's very excited about it...please be supportive of his orientation".

The man speaks to me. "Could you please get your friend to stop..."
"Don't look at me, I'm gay too".
Chris smiles at me. The man looks to Titi.
"Me too...I'm gay too. We ah all gay here".

"Hey! Would you like to see a picture of my best friends?"
"...but you just picked..."
"THIS IS SELMA, AND JOE, AND CHRISTIE...DON'T YOU THINK THAT CHRISTIE IS HOT?"
"...but you just said that you were..."
"I'M BI".

"Okay Chris, stop it. Leave the poor man alone".
"BUT I'M BI!"
"Chris, I know...we all kno..."
"I LIKE TO FUCK GUYS!"
"Yes sweety, me too...we all know that you like to fuck guys. Please leave him be".
"I'M HOT".

I just stare at him.
"Okay Lauren", he says, and takes a seat.

The Body Worlds exhibit was similar.

"WHAT'S THAT SMELL?? IT FUCKING STINKS IN HERE...WHY ARE YOU DRAGGING ME TO SEE DEAD BODIES? THAT'S SORT OF GROSS".
"It doesn't smell in here, and it's meant to be educational...it's at Science World for fucks sakes...look! this one has a prosthesi..."
"Okay...but it's still fucking gross...HEY! WHY ARE ALL THE BALLS IN HERE ATTACHED TO STRINGS? SINCE WHEN DO MY BALLS GROW OUT OF MY ABDOMEN?????"

The final straw came when we came to the display station. Here, there are a number of sections and organs that have been plastinated for the public to handle. I think I may have been the one who made the mistake of likening the texture of the kidney to a wax crayon, but it certainly wasn't me who tried to draw with it.



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Submitted by sparkle_pink at 2007-01-14 03:57:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I live in Vancouver too!

I haven't been on the skytrain yet though... I'm scared of it.

Submitted by Konerak at 2007-01-14 03:49:24 EST (#)
Rating: -1

Meh

Submitted by icarus1987 at 2007-01-12 20:12:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That's a great marketing angle for Crayola. Organs that draw shit would be fun AND educational. Now all I need is a patent and a supply of black market body parts.

Submitted by MyTeeOne at 2007-01-12 16:42:52 EST (#)
Rating: 1

It was really good, but the "movement" was a little clunky.

Submitted by Quint at 2007-01-12 13:11:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You shouldn't have got off the SkyTrain at Science World, rather kept going until Commercial Drive. Then eaten spaghetti. They have good spaghetti.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-01-12 02:52:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

shorty

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-01-11 18:25:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

pleasure

Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-01-11 16:23:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

mmm, 5' 10"

Submitted by ripple at 2007-01-11 14:43:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2007-01-11 06:23:50 (#)
Ranking: 2

Despite how confused I feel, I still feel like I read something good

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2007-01-11 14:31:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Oh Ducky, such a shame. I thought for a second we could be giants together.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-01-11 13:06:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

the names in this post have been changed and changed again and changed again and again and again and again because Ducky is a dork. i mean a canadian, and we all know that means.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-01-11 13:02:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

IMMA KILL TITI

AND PHUZZY

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2007-01-11 12:30:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-01-11 12:10:10 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Ha...not that tall...5'10" I don't think 'exceptionally tall' encompasses women who are less than 6'

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2007-01-11 12:00:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Axolotl, are you saying Ducky is very tall? If so how tall? Please, I don't want to be the only 50ft woman anymore!

Submitted by Luther at 2007-01-11 11:55:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wow. Creepy. Same thing happened to me last week. Only I'd be Chris.

Excellent reading tho- even if I did know what was going to happen next. :) heh heh *snort*



Submitted by Ducky at 2007-01-11 11:27:05 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Sac. - that sucks! You'll have to catch it somewhere else or something - it's really good.

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-01-11 11:17:50 EST (#)
Rating: 0

cshape:
Yes, I'm referring to Vancouver. It sure is a lovely city isn't it?

phuzzy:
*blinks*

Submitted by cshape at 2007-01-11 11:10:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

OMG Not main Street, Broadway.

Fuck, I'm forgetting home already!

Submitted by cshape at 2007-01-11 11:10:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Do you live in Vancouver?

Because this made me remember back home.

Hopping on the skytrain at Main Street, usually, and riding it to Metrotown.

Nicely described.

Submitted by phuzzygish at 2007-01-11 09:28:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Procrastinator?

Like, you poop in public?

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-01-11 09:20:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yep, this sounds about right. And very accurate description of the public transportation culture, too.

Being the procrastinator I am, I waited until the last day of the Body Worlds exhibit in Philly. Sold out, of course. I was very disappointed to have missed it.

Submitted by phuzzygish at 2007-01-11 09:13:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well, it's your own fault for hanging out in public with Danger Ranger.

Submitted by Axolotl at 2007-01-11 07:59:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I heard you were an exceptionally tall woman.

Submitted by locksly at 2007-01-11 06:27:59 EST (#)
Rating: 1

yeah but not necessarily plus 2 good

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2007-01-11 06:26:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I bet you were

Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2007-01-11 06:23:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Despite how confused I feel, I still feel like I read something good

Submitted by redskieslookfake at 2007-01-11 06:21:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

heh


Homer: Ooh, look at this one! The Hammer of Thor! (Reading) "It
will send your pins to ... Valhalla?" Lisa?

Lisa: Valhalla is where vikings go when they die.

Homer: Ooh, that's some ball.

The Telltale Head