Finally, Christians Got Something RightSubmitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m at 2007-01-29 03:56:01 EST
Rating: 1.72 on 12 ratings (12 reviews) (Review this item) (V)
I say finally, but it was nearly fourteen years ago. http://www.gamepraise.net/reviews.php?gameinfo=Super%20Noahs%20Ark%203D
Super Noah’s Ark 3D
How fantastic this game truly is remains to be seen by yours truly, but I imagine it to be fucking awesome. What is nothing more than a hacked version of Wolfenstein 3D turns about to be pretty much everything everyone wants with a bible story.
Noah, prick of pricks, keeps fucking the animals. Eventually the animals get more than a little pissed off and begin to rebel. You’re job, as Noah, is to destroy the evidence before the ark lands and mankind has to return to self-species mating to bring new life to the world. And Noah has a sneaky plan. He gets a catapult and fires the shit out of a load of goats or whatever’s lying around and then throws them overboard.
I can’t find any evidence to verify this, but as this is the internet, and you just read it, you can pretty much accept it as hard fact.
With a new threat around every corner (all of which look like the same goat painted a different colour), it appears to be a suspenseful game that leaves it’s original, Wolfenstein, eating it’s highly moral dust.
But the best part of this, the true fantastic nature of this unlicensed, hacked and mostly illegal gameplay (you have to use other games to bypass the shitty security of a SNES) is that Christians seem to like it. Not only like, but approve.
Hence it being on “game praise”, whose intentions are ‘to bring video games to world that are made in honor of Lord and Saviour, Jiminy Cricket’ and getting a whopping 7 out of 10.
Now I’m no expert when it comes to Christian morals and the double-standards, so once again this is unverified, but if someone took the awesome looking game “David vs. Goliath” (http://www.gamepraise.net/reviews.php?gameinfo=David%20vs%20Goliath) and stole every inch of code, but replaced David with Ron Jeremy, Goliath with Jenna Jameson and replaced the five shitty stones with sperm samples, then Game Praise would be more than a little pissed off.
As I've now found a new enemy in the form of this website, my heathen friend Pac-Man and I have a mission. Of course, pussywhipped Donkey Kong wants in as always, but is too scared he'll get into trouble with the lady and the square from Tetris is a devoted Catholic, so they're both out.
Anyone out there good enough to assist us with this, get in touch. We would be most grateful.
OH NO the monkeys hanging the giraffe CALL JESUS.jpg