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A Game for you Uber: 2 Lies, 1 Truth

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-02-02 02:17:06 EST
Rating: 1.55 on 172 ratings (172 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

Uber is slow tonight, and I need a break from homework. I have a guessing game for you. It’s called 2 lies, 1 truth. Write and post three paragraphs, each consisting of an event that could conceivably have happened to you, but only one in which it actually has. As a starving student, I have no prizes for anybody, but would be more than happy to give out +2's to anyone who gets it right. I'll steal them from Bart.

1. When I was six years old, there was a boy in my class who was always teasing me. When my aunt cut my hair he told me that I looked like a fag. I didn’t know what that meant, but by the way he said it, I knew it wasn’t nice. He collected hockey cards. His favourite was a 1984 Gretzky card. He’d bring it to school along with the rest of his deck, and flash them around to all of his friends. I hated that hockey card. I hated it because he loved it. One day at recess, he left his cards on his desk. I took the Gretzky card and ripped the corner off. I placed the damaged card on his desk, but didn’t know what to do with the remaining piece. I didn’t want him to be able to reattach it with tape, so I (being six) decided that it would be best to shove the small piece up my nose. When he came in after recess he cried, and I sat smugly at my desk and said nothing. Upon trying to remove the cardboard at home, I found that it had become lodged up there. It was very uncomfortable, and try as I might, I could not remove it. I didn’t want to tell my parents because I thought they’d be upset, so I left it alone. After a couple of weeks, it began to rot. With the rot came a repugnant smell. My parents were both aware of it, but couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. When my aunt came over for a visit, she picked me up, hugged me, and recoiled in disgust. I will never forget the look on her face. It’s the same face I think I’d make if a skunk decided to take a shit on me and then give me a good spray-down. She sat me down and asked me a series of questions, and finally I broke down crying and told her about the cardboard. When my father dislodged it mercilessly with a set of tweezers– what hadn’t disintegrated – it was a slimy, stinking mess.

2. When I was eighteen, I decided to learn how to spin fire. I had been going down to the beach every Tuesday night that summer and to watch the dancers twirl their staffs and expertly spin their poi balls. There was always a campfire lit, and when I was feeling up to it, I’d bring my drum and join the circle (yes fuckers, I’m a closet hippie…sue me). Finally, after observing for months, I decided to ask one of them to teach me - a girl who had always been very pleasant towards me, and who was an excellent spinner. She agreed, and that weekend I began to practice in her backyard. Being new to it, I had attached glowsticks to the balls rather than lighting them on fire. I’ve always loved to dance, and after two weeks of diligent practice, felt ready to try the real thing. My first attempt was a failure…the chains twined together and caused me to drop them. My second…and last attempt was worse. As I increased speed, I twisted my wrist inaccurately and the flaming poi (those things are bloody heavy) smashed me in the back of my head. I saw black, and was instantly on my face. When I came to, my head was pounding, I had a tremendous goose egg, and the majority of my hair had been singed off. I wore a bandanna for my first 3 months of university that year. It was traumatic enough that I have never attempted to spin fire since.

3. I hate roller coasters. My best friend loves them, and whenever the fair is in town, she drags me along to it and subjects my stomach to nausea. A couple of years ago, we found ourselves in Edmonton, and decided to check out the mall there (it’s very big). On one end is a water park and at the other is an amusement park. We had just had a big lunch, and were walking around…she had already convinced me to go on the ‘Drop of Doom’…a ride that slowly brings you up X number of stories and then lets you freefall almost all the way to the bloody ground. “Hey look!” she said, pointing to the world’s largest, indoor, triple loop, high speed roller coaster. “Uh-uh…no way am I getting on that thing…it’s called the fucking Mindbender” I replied. So a couple of minutes later I’m sitting in the front seat, alongside my ‘best friend’. As the coaster looped around, I could feel my stomach starting to churn, and after the third cycle I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I puked. I puked mid-loop, and managed to spray the majority of the people behind me with my vomit (although the teenage girl sitting behind me with the raccoon eye-makeup got the brunt of it). My friend, lucky bitch, avoided all of it. In retrospect I wish I had turned my head and thrown-up on her rather than cranking my head the other way. I was mortified, and have never apologized so profusely in my entire life. I have also never been on a roller coaster since.


homework makes me want to cry.jpg
homework makes me want to cry.jpg


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Submitted by EmissionImpossible at 2009-04-11 03:54:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

look what ive found


you are pretty

pretty like a button


i hate rollercoasters, wayne gretsky?! and ummm fire spinning. see thats why you should converse with me

ciao

Submitted by Merlina at 2007-02-04 16:39:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Out of the few uber people I miss - you are one of them.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-04 00:05:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2007-02-03 19:06:25 (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-02-03 15:48:13 (#)
Ranking: 2

HEY I GOT IT TOO
____________-
Bloody hell...happy?
---------------------
marginally

Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals at 2007-02-03 23:57:48 EST (#)
Rating: 0

OK i'll play.

1) This weekend i raped and killed a six year old girl

2) Last weekend i raped, killed and ate a six year old boy

3) I hate roller coasters. My best friend loves them, and whenever the fair is in town, she drags me along to it and subjects my stomach to nausea. A couple of years ago, we found ourselves in Edmonton, and decided to check out the mall there (it's very big). On one end is a water park and at the other is an amusement park. We had just had a big lunch, and were walking around...she had already convinced me to go on the 'Drop of Doom'...a ride that slowly brings you up X number of stories and then lets you freefall almost all the way to the bloody ground. "Hey look!" she said, pointing to the world's largest, indoor, triple loop, high speed roller coaster. "Uh-uh...no way am I getting on that thing...it's called the fucking Mindbender" I replied. So a couple of minutes later I'm sitting in the front seat, alongside my 'best friend'. As the coaster looped around, I could feel my stomach starting to churn, and after the third cycle I couldn't hold it in any longer. I puked. I puked mid-loop, and managed to spray the majority of the people behind me with my vomit (although the teenage girl sitting behind me with the raccoon eye-makeup got the brunt of it). My friend, lucky bitch, avoided all of it. In retrospect I wish I had turned my head and thrown-up on her rather than cranking my head the other way. I was mortified, and have never apologized so profusely in my entire life. I have also never been on a roller coaster since.

Oh wait. TWO of those were true.

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-02-03 19:06:25 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-02-03 15:48:13 (#)
Ranking: 2

HEY I GOT IT TOO
____________-
Bloody hell...happy?

Submitted by Tracer0351 at 2007-02-03 17:22:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

After reading the reviews on this I had to go back and read some more of your posts. After reading some of your posts, I knew there was only one thing to do, get your ring size and head to the jewelry store. Then I read your stories about your family, and knew we where already related.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-03 15:48:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HEY I GOT IT TOO

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-03 14:15:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wow... the slightly more disturbing, and slightly less normal, choice turned out to be it. I figured it wouldnt actually rot. I'd have assumed you'd have sneezed it out eventually.

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-02-03 12:24:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sweet.

My winning, I mean.

And you.

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-02-03 11:43:16 EST (#)
Rating: 0

aaaaaaaaaalright. I'm calling time on this silly game. The correct response was 1, which is good for me because it means I only have to give +2's to lungfish. WOOOOOOOOOO Lungfish.

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-02-03 04:40:22 EST (#)
Rating: 0

my name isn't really Doreen.

Submitted by ASO at 2007-02-03 04:26:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I dont know exactly what this means but I feel that it should become Ubersite's next catch phrase.


Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-03 04:00:27 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-03 03:46:35 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-03 03:19:07 (#)
Ranking: 2

DOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEENNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-02-03 04:00:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-03 03:46:35 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-02-03 03:19:07 (#)
Ranking: 2

DOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEENNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Submitted by ASO at 2007-02-03 02:14:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

http://www.ubersite.com/m/98356

I made one too.

I think the second one is true. I remember in first grade that sort of shit would go down all the time, but I don't think it could have smelled THAT bad. The third one I just dont believe. I want to, but I dont.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-02-02 16:02:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2007-02-02 14:53:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

#4:Attacked and mauled by a gang of vicious penguins

http://www.ubersite.com/m/98344

Submitted by EchoBoxing at 2007-02-02 14:34:52 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2007-02-02 14:05:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Ballare at 2007-02-02 13:14:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

The only reason I'm giving you this +2 is because I spin poi.
And I've seen plenty of people get bashed around.
And it's hilarious.

Submitted by kaos-king at 2007-02-02 13:07:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think this was a very neat idea!

#1 - Perhaps elements of truth, but no.

#2 - Just silly enough to have happened.

#3 - Too ordinary.


Submitted by scourge at 2007-02-02 12:53:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i fucking hate Maltese




I'll guess number three is the truth since its the one I didn't bother reading.




i fucking hate Maltese

Submitted by The_Drake at 2007-02-02 12:32:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

151

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 12:29:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Allow me to add the 150th review, a controversial statement, and MORE CAMPING!!!

I got fisted by a baby and a big ass midget who was fisting an old transvestite hooker engaged in a donkey show with a big African sex king giving a footjob to the corpse of L. Ron Hubbard which is perpetually spanking a 4-year-old girl with a whip made of umbilical cords covered feces.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 12:26:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hey guys, wanna camp on this post some more? I'm up for it.

Submitted by The_Drake at 2007-02-02 12:17:14 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Your right eye is bigger than your left.

A tit shot could really distract from that.

Submitted by Shlongy at 2007-02-02 12:11:37 EST (#)
Rating: -2

Show me you anus.

Submitted by ih8u2man at 2007-02-02 12:02:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2007-02-02 11:57:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i already wrote my real one, i gotta make up 2 lies now though.

it was going to have something to do with the 'devices' that turned Boston inside out, but Jonnyx already exposed that mystery

Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-02-02 11:46:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-02-02 11:17:40 (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-02 10:18:56 (#)
Ranking: 0

Uber once again wears it's desperation for women on it's sleeve. Moderate (at best) looking woman and all the basement dwelling, virgin trolls come out and +2 the shit out of a post with what could or couldn't be "her".
===
Actually, this is a good idea. There's actually some content. If I can find the time to do one, I will.
------
I agree, this is actually an original idea, of which there are precious few around here, and believe you me, JonnyX knows.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2007-02-02 11:18:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I was right though wasn't I?

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-02-02 11:17:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-02-02 10:18:56 (#)
Ranking: 0

Uber once again wears it's desperation for women on it's sleeve. Moderate (at best) looking woman and all the basement dwelling, virgin trolls come out and +2 the shit out of a post with what could or couldn't be "her".
===
Actually, this is a good idea. There's actually some content. If I can find the time to do one, I will.

Also, Ducky is very cute and has had several camwhores here, and they all match.

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-02-02 10:53:22 EST (#)
Rating: 0

wow. good morning. hmmmmm...nobody is posting their own...

...and as for mine, I don't think I'm going to have to give out too many +2's.


Submitted by Foolproof at 2007-02-02 10:18:56 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Uber once again wears it's desperation for women on it's sleeve. Moderate (at best) looking woman and all the basement dwelling, virgin trolls come out and +2 the shit out of a post with what could or couldn't be "her".


Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB at 2007-02-02 10:00:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

2 is true. The others are too over the top in the disgusting category.


Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 09:29:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

im going with 2

Submitted by Amontillado at 2007-02-02 09:25:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I guess three. The others were a little too detailed.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2007-02-02 09:04:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Great concept, awesome pic.

Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH at 2007-02-02 08:42:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

3.

not that i know anything about you.. but thats my guess.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2007-02-02 08:29:57 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 06:57:11 EST (#)
Rating: 2

not my fault

not my problem

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 06:30:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 06:23:46 (#)
Ranking: 2

maltese ruins everything

including his young girlfriend and their life

====

Fuck you rad

http://www.ubersite.com/m/92782

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 06:27:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

sure, thats fair game. i've got plenty of pointless material to discuss, and we havnt even begun making fun of shlongy.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 06:23:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

maltese ruins everything

including his young girlfriend and their life

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 06:23:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I seriously think we could turn this into a repeat of Rizzo's Neverending Thread and just camp here for all eternity. Anyone else think this is a good idea?

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 06:22:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-02 06:17:02 (#)
Ranking: 2

"LEPRECHAUN FELLATIO"

is it really that much better than midgets? midgets can be expensive enough on their own... let alone leprechauns...

====

I dug so deep into his ass that I found his pot o' gold... he came green and it tasted like Shamrock Shakes

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 06:21:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

17, er, 16 more messages until the top. just think--- people are just waking up now, going to their computers, and reading the last 3+hrs of completely useless conversation we've had. gotta love technology.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 06:18:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

w00t second most heated

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 06:17:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm listening to Rosetta Stoned right now

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 06:17:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"LEPRECHAUN FELLATIO"

is it really that much better than midgets? midgets can be expensive enough on their own... let alone leprechauns...

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 06:15:05 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah, syntax and tense of the post show it.
Thats fucking great.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 06:14:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-02 06:07:51 (#)
Ranking: 2

now, the burning question:
did you man it up, stay put and tell us about it first? or change, come back and then report of your anal extravaganza AFTER you cleaned off the chair?

====

No, I tubgirl'd into a goatse hole while screaming "LOLZ" repeatedly and shitting all over my papers and laptop and laptop screen and I had to call a bunch of shitty assholes to fumigate my anal apartment and then we rode the magical rainbow to leprechaun land where you get ALL THE FUCKIN LEPRECHAUN FELLATIO YOU CAN HANDLE PIZNATCH

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 06:12:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

he told us first

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 06:07:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

now, the burning question:
did you man it up, stay put and tell us about it first? or change, come back and then report of your anal extravaganza AFTER you cleaned off the chair?

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 06:06:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAR HAR BACKFIRE!

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 06:05:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

sleep?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JW4WvsD6mJw

not until i see daylight. then i make a dart for the morning newspaper and hibernate until it;s night again.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 06:03:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

OH FUCK

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I HAD TO FART SO I FARTED BUT INSTEAD I SHIT MY PANTS



FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 06:02:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wow

go to sleep kid

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:57:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:56:13 (#)
Ranking: 2

thanks duders

====

you're welcome




...to a second helping of PWNAGE!!! OH SNAP!!!

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-02 05:57:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:48:37 (#)
Ranking: 2

whatever danger I heard she fancied some other guy over there anyways
-------------------
prick

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:57:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:55:53 (#)
Ranking: 2

hey, when is mickey mouse's birthday? i wanna make a list of rodent-related things we do here in this country that miss me off.

====

April 20, 1889

HEIL!!!

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 05:56:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

thanks duders

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:55:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

no shit? so they're gonna drag the squirrel/rat thing outta a hole, stick a thumb up it's ass and decide what they're gonna call the next few months. wonderful.

hey, when is mickey mouse's birthday? i wanna make a list of rodent-related things we do here in this country that miss me off.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:55:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:54:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:53:34 (#)
Ranking: 2

More like james bond jr... that crappy short lived animated series? I was 12, i mean, what'd you expect?

====

LOL, James Bond Jr? O RLY?



I bet Q raped him up the ass with a broomstick.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 05:54:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hey maltese wheres that post where theres a list of ten sayings about the government blowing shit up

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:53:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

More like james bond jr... that crappy short lived animated series? I was 12, i mean, what'd you expect?

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:52:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

OH FUCK

ITS GROUNDHOG DAY BITCHES

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:52:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

...that was my second masturbation-related joke in one post... Freud may have somethingto say about that.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:51:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:51:04 (#)
Ranking: 2

i think now a days 10 is too late. i started at 15 or thereabouts... thats 5 good years i missed out on. but, on the flip side, that was 5 good years of bonding with my penis.

====

Bond? JAMES BOND!!!

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:51:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:49:08 (#)
Ranking: 2

I lost my virginity at 10

====

Rad seduced his hot blonde third-grade teacher and fucked her seven shades of exhausted.










































Did I mention he was homeschooled?

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:51:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i think now a days 10 is too late. i started at 15 or thereabouts... thats 5 good years i missed out on. but, on the flip side, that was 5 good years of bonding with my penis.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:49:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Guys, Bart just passed 1.2M hits...

He had 1.18 this morning...

20,000 hits in one day? TAMPERING MUTHAFUCKA

I SMELL CONSPIRACY

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 05:49:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I lost my virginity at 10

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 05:48:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

whatever danger I heard she fancied some other guy over there anyways

*seeths*

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:47:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

rad, thats fucking awesome. Wish I was there to see it.
maltese, that too, is awesome. I don't necessarily wish i was there to see it.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-02 05:45:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 02:30:32 (#)
Ranking: 2

you're pretty Danger and I like it when you smile
------------------------
whatever rad. Here's some more.

1. D_R and Ducky shared a tent in Ireland.

2. D_R and Ducky shared a bed in various b&b's in Ireland.

3. D_R slept in the car.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:44:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Bob:

13th birthday

My girlfriend at the time was at my birthday party and she stayed after everyone had left. She said she had a present for me in my room... I guess you know where that went.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 05:44:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

no srsly,

he called the real bob dole an asshole back in the 70s

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:41:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You were an asshole yesterday.
You're an asshole tonight.
And I've got a feelin'
you'll be an asshole the rest of your life.

And I was fucking your mother
just the other night.
I told her I thought you were an asshole.
She said, "Yes. I think you're right."

And all your friends are assholes
'cause you've known them your whole life.
And somebody told me
you've got an asshole for a wife.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:39:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
cause you're an asshole (D)tonight.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 05:38:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

SORRY DIDNT MAKE SENSE

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 04:55:56 (#)
Ranking: 2

1. I drive a porche.

2. I have a pretty penis.

3. one time my grandfather called bob dole AN ASSHOLE in a senate hearing.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 05:37:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AHEM

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 04:55:56 (#)
Ranking: 2

1. I drive a porche.

2. I have a pretty penis.

3. one time my grandfather called bob dole in a senate hearing.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:37:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wait, thats a strange question to ask someone out of the blue? stranger still, i answered it.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:36:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ok, smartass aside... i was young, she was cute, i dont remember much else. it was fast, i was nervous, and thats about it.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:34:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

to a girl. what about you?

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:34:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm bored as all hell

Bob, how'd you lose your virginity?

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:31:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

BOB DOLE WANTS EVERYONE TO VOTE FOR BOB DOLE! BOB DOLE! Bob Dole! bob dole... bob.... bob.... ZzZzZz

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:29:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i could run for senate again. ya know, pick up the ol' refer-to-myself-in-their-person thing...

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:26:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wait, i fixed it.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:26:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

FUCK ME ITS ALREADY EIGHTH ON MOST HEATED




AND MY CAPS LOCK IS MORE BROKEN THAN SHLONGYS DICK




OH THE SORROW

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:25:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

DISREGARD RAD EVERYONE HE FISTS CHILDREN

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 05:23:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

AHEM


Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 04:55:56 (#)
Ranking: 2

1. I drive a porche.

2. I have a pretty penis.

3. one time my grandfather called bob dole in a senate hearing.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:23:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:22:44 (#)
Ranking: 2

remember i stopped pushing viagra? so no more free samples. i'm not hittin nothing.

====

well thats too fuckin bad cause i hit GINGERBREAD MENZ with my DICK and i CRUSH them

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:22:44 EST (#)
Rating: 2

remember i stopped pushing viagra? so no more free samples. i'm not hittin nothing.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:22:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:21:31 (#)
Ranking: 2

Glaxo-Smith-OATHMEALZ. I'd sponsor it.

===

More like, "I'd hit it".

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:21:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Glaxo-Smith-OATHMEALZ. I'd sponsor it.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:21:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

whats so great about the power rangers anyway

i mean they fuckin range power


ohhhhh they range power big fuckin whoop im sooooo scared


im so drink

i mean drunk

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:19:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:16:59 (#)
Ranking: 2

wait.... anal krill?
sounds like a disease... like somethign you hear in a commercial for some new drugs...

"For 24 hour relief from anal krill, try new ankrilox! from glacko-smith-kline" (or however it's spelled)

====

I wanna give you anal krill, type B.

This post is shaping up to be some sort of drug-induced retarded press conference of sorts where everyone asks me stupid questions and I give them even worse answers. My answers are so nonsensical that Ralph Wiggum is Spok compared to me.

P.S. It's spelled Glaxo-Smith-OATHMEALZ.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-02 05:18:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

okay, I'm out. I'm teaching my eight year old why he will never beat his father at chess. Nice post duck.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:17:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

viagra sucks. the other guys pay more for advertising.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:16:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wait.... anal krill?
sounds like a disease... like somethign you hear in a commercial for some new drugs...

"For 24 hour relief from anal krill, try new ankrilox! from glacko-smith-kline" (or however it's spelled)

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:16:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:15:15 (#)
Ranking: 2

you don't know anything Maltese. The minute a fly shits it spews some of that enzyme saliva straight back on it and gobbles it up. there are no sub-species flys.

====

I wanna give you a baby enema.

That's right. You heard me.

An enema. Of babies.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:15:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:15:09 (#)
Ranking: 2

ohhh....
got it.

===

Good. Now go promote more Viagra!

Submitted by messmind at 2007-02-02 05:15:18 EST (#)
Rating: 1

You like really familiar ! And it looks cold out there !

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-02 05:15:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you don't know anything Maltese. The minute a fly shits it spews some of that enzyme saliva straight back on it and gobbles it up. there are no sub-species flys.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:15:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ohhh....
got it.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:14:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:13:46 (#)
Ranking: 2

anal seahorse?
wtf?

====

it feeds on fuckin anal krill

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 05:13:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

anal seahorse?
wtf?

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:13:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:10:29 (#)
Ranking: 2

special "get a pussy drunk" alcohol.

====

Whatever. I get more pussy than you do. You fuck animals. If there were a super hero called the Anal Animal, you'd be his sidekick, Bestiality Boy.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:11:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:09:53 (#)
Ranking: 2

you know Maltese if you hadn't pleaded for people not to edit it, I never would have known you could. Good god I was on it like flies to shit.

====

Do flies shit? I assume they do. Who, then, encircles flies shit? Some group of sub-flies, perhaps? But then there would need to be sub-sub-flies to encircle the shit of the sub-flies...

MAN THATS EPIC

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 05:10:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

special "get a pussy drunk" alcohol.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:10:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I need a nigger hard dick.

I mean a bigger hard disk.

Fucking typos.

The keys are right next to each other, I swear!

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-02 05:09:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you know Maltese if you hadn't pleaded for people not to edit it, I never would have known you could. Good god I was on it like flies to shit.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:09:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I NEED A FUCKING BIG MAC

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:08:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Fuck everyone all up in here like "LOL MALTESE SHOULDNT U BE DOIN STUFF WIT UR WIFE LOL" shes asleep dumbasses its 2 in da AM and shes sick she has a fever and stuff so i fixed her some tea

usually im on uber during the nighttime

fuck im drink

what do they put in mikes hard lemonarde

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:06:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:03:47 (#)
Ranking: 2

nice try Maltese. btw, I wrote that thing about red and berty and Apollo on your wiki page, I hope you don't mind. c'mon, it was funny.

====

Hey, fuck you, you...



uh...




fuck, I need to think of a good insult...





but it's 2 AM...




uh...

you're an...

anal...

seahorse.



Hey, I tried.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-02 05:05:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:03:33 (#)
Ranking: 2

Yeah D_R?
----------
your lovely wife is only human, don't blame her. wanna play some more?

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-02 05:03:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

nice try Maltese. btw, I wrote that thing about red and berty and Apollo on your wiki page, I hope you don't mind. c'mon, it was funny.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:03:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I WANT TO TWIST RAD'S DICK UNTIL THE VEINS SHOOT OUT

that is all

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 05:03:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yeah D_R?

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:02:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2007-02-02 05:00:48 (#)
Ranking: 2

hey rad?

===

YES DEAR!? </girly rad voice>

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:01:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

SOMEONE FUCKING IM ME: marblefluss.at.hotmail.com

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:01:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm on MSN cunts

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-02 05:00:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hey rad?

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 05:00:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Guys, I'm so fuckin wasted

marblefluss.at.hotmail.com (MSN Messenger)
homsarrunner1337 (AIM)

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 05:00:04 EST (#)
Rating: 2

danger_ranger I am very sensitive and you know I really care about what you think of me so thats just hurtful

]is this because of baking_lady?

it is, isnt it.

my wife still has a crush on you.

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-02 05:00:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i don't even have the internet

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-02 04:59:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

oh and pannerplant? camwhore you fucking sex god.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 04:58:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

no, we camp here.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 04:58:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

why would a bi dude use that as some sort of insult?

Im not biing your story kid.


Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 04:57:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Hey fuckasstards, any of you have MSN or AIM?

Submitted by Danger_Ranger at 2007-02-02 04:57:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can't play because I know the answer.

okay I'll play. 2 lies, 1 truth.

1. rad is a giant douche.

2. rad isn't a giant douche.

3. rad isn't a giant douche.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 04:56:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 04:53:36 (#)
Ranking: 2

wtf are you talking about?

you live in the ocean?

Im at work buddy boy.

====

I thought Vegas was in Mountain Time...

Still though, work at 2 in the fuckin morning? Where do you work, Al's All-Night Blowjob Cocaine Shack?

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 04:55:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

1. I drive a porche.

2. I have a pretty penis.

3. one time my grandfather called bob dole in a senate hearing.

Submitted by Bob_Dole at 2007-02-02 04:53:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Maltese:
Sleep is for people who don't know how to masturbate.

Ducky:
The hockey card is plausible, and gross enough to be real, but I say the truth lies in the smooth yet chunky vomit left on the seats of a roller coaster. It's a common enough occurrence to be fair game.


I'm not that great a liar and most of my really good true stories, well, the statute of limitations hasn't run out on yet, so I can't really participate myself.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 04:53:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

wtf are you talking about?

you live in the ocean?

Im at work buddy boy.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 04:47:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 04:44:33 (#)
Ranking: 2

maltese

http://www.ubersite.com/m/98300

get some sleep

===

More like YOU get some fucking sleep. You're one time zone ahead of me.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 04:44:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

maltese

http://www.ubersite.com/m/98300

get some sleep

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 04:41:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I've been standing here in the kitchen for an hour with my iPod on playing air guitar...

I NEED SOME FUCKING SLEEP

Submitted by Wisher at 2007-02-02 04:30:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm not posting this, but one time I stuck my demi-boot (picture Little House on the Prairie boots, lace-up from toe to ankle, up my girl-"friend's" cooch~ halfway, and the crisscrossing strings were rubbing her clit and she got off. I made her lick it~ the boot afterward. This was years ago {my boyfriend's dog later licked the boot while we were sitting in the living room.

Should I go on, since this was very true and the other stories would be true. I literally can't think of fiction weirder than what I've actually done. This was just one, we all laugh about.

Ok, everybody forget you just read that. We're all family. Family secret.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 04:17:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

yeah me too.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 04:14:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I actually am, Rad. I've sucked a few guys off before.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 04:06:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

thats not the proper use of an alter simon.

Submitted by pannerplant at 2007-02-02 04:05:24 EST (#)
Rating: -2

-2 ugly

Submitted by thorpe at 2007-02-02 03:40:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I called everyone on New Years.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 03:39:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

thorpe I was going through my messages and I just realized you called me on new years.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 03:38:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

goodnight ducky

*swoons*

Submitted by thorpe at 2007-02-02 03:37:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I suck

I suck.

I'm awesome.

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-02-02 03:37:18 EST (#)
Rating: 0

yep...it's bedtime. night uber.

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-02-02 03:24:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

OK. I'm a little drunk, but not bi.

I get to sleep in tomorrow.

Go Bears woo!

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 03:24:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

<3 maltese.

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-02-02 03:23:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm rating the poster. I FUCKING LOVE YOU DOREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not bi either.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 03:22:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

no, I get the plus 2s because I'm bisexual.

you should have come out sooner.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 03:21:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-02-02 03:18:53 (#)
Ranking: 2

oh meh maltese,

everyone is bi

====

Right, just like everyone gets extremely high ratings from an endless series of drunk posts (the novelty of drunk posting wore off in 1996, fuckhead) due to an audience who rate the poster and not the post, no matter how shitty it is, as well as knocking a ton of worthy posts from Best Ever.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 03:18:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

oh meh maltese,

everyone is bi

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 03:17:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-02-02 03:16:18 (#)
Ranking: 2

Maltese killed his wife because she fucked a chicken.

====

Fuck you, I'm gonna go -2 all your posts.

Hey wait a minute...

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-02-02 03:16:18 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Maltese killed his wife because she fucked a chicken.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 03:14:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wrong. First one.



There I said it. And I'm not ashamed.

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-02-02 03:09:20 EST (#)
Rating: 0

One sentence is hardly a paragraph...it's meant to be in your own posts...

um... Lungfish - usa?
MJ - drywall (obviously)
Maltese - you should be nicer to chickens


Submitted by lungfish at 2007-02-02 03:09:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Here's a true story just before I head to bed. It's not altogether interesting.

When I was about 17 or so, I saw a movie on TV called "Saturday Night and Sunday Morning" starring Albert Finney. It instantly became, and remains to this day, one of my favorite movies.

In the movie, there is a character named Doreen. I fell in "love" with the actress who played Doreen -- Shirley Anne Field. Albert Finney's character -- Arthur Seaton -- was also in love with Miss Field, or Doreen; he called her Duck, which is apparently a term of endearment in England.

Whenever I see your name, "Ducky," on the screen, I think of Doreen. I get all giddy inside. Then, I call you "Duck."

Also, you look like Miss Field.

Well, not really, but you're both pretty.

Thank you, and good night.

I'm not gay.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 03:05:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

maltese killed a chicken with his bare hands.



Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 02:58:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Here's one:

1. I'm bisexual.
2. My wife is pregnant again.
3. I've killed a chicken with my bare hands.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2007-02-02 02:40:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can try this.

1. I have a tattoo of two keys on the back of my neck

2. I speak 5 languages

3. I am scared of drywall

Submitted by TheUniter at 2007-02-02 02:34:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I like this.

I think they are all true in a way.

Submitted by Maltese at 2007-02-02 02:34:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

1. Lie. Cardboard wouldn't stink up everything that bad, and besides, they would have known.
2. Lie. That would have killed you.
3. True. I've done that before.

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-02-02 02:33:46 EST (#)
Rating: 0

nope...phone's on silent. I've been in class all bloody day. I'll check though.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2007-02-02 02:31:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'd say two is true. Didn't you get my text?

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-02-02 02:31:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Thanks Rad. Right back at you.

Submitted by rad1101 at 2007-02-02 02:30:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

you're pretty and I like it when you smile.

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-02-02 02:24:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Not really. I'm guessing your No. 1 is the true story.

I have to go pee.

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-02-02 02:23:36 EST (#)
Rating: 0

are you drunk now?

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-02-02 02:21:07 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I got drunk in Borneo.

I got drunk in Swaziland.

I got drunk in the United States.



Do I win?


Apu: You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?

Homer: Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone.

Homer's Night Out