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Mars, Bringer of War

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-01 10:36:45 EST
Rating: 1.8 on 27 ratings (27 reviews) (Review this item) (V)


I missed APW yesterday. APT doesn't have the same ring to it.

Bleh.

---

"Mars, Bringer of War"

Red to the wrists he smiles, resists
The urge to seek his spoils and runs
Once more to the line, the cattle
Creaking in their old boots and thin
Courage, men now children in the fray,
Hidden behind rusted helmets and
Shaking simple spears - this is no sport
But it will do
- quickly he comes and
Darkens their eyes, first with a shadow
And then with a veil drawn by stained
Fingers that smell of dirt and iron,
Hard hands setting throats to singing
With a slit and beating bone to dust
And drumbeats as they split for the
Hammer and the hilt, heavy and low
Sounds from the lowing of the animals
Sacrificed to this angry bloodhand god.

He hurries now, red to the breast and drowning,
Casting away the sword and shield to take them
With his hands, a wave of muscle, rage and teeth
Against mortal fear and humility, the wild eyes
Hypnotic in the moonlight, the long hair loose
And on fire behind him as he forces eyes from
Their round and comfortable caves, parts jaws
Until their breaking booms as thunder, stealing
Language, loose mouths above empty eyes, these
Hopeless, these helpless, a drawn arm from a
Penitent corpse handled and swung, crushing
Throats and forcing ribs through sweaty bodies,
These bones drawn, these very bones, with a need
And a twist in the night he births daggers
For the gutting, drawn down the front while
Useless arms flail and protest, up the groin
And to the breast they run, these splinters
To cool the sunburts hearts and hail winter
With burnt history and the smell of metal.

And their blood it surrounds him, swells to him
A storm of lost potential and steaming life,
Screaming from pools and thick rivulets
That it may bathe him
And stain his skin,
An upwards sort of rain drawn magnetic
To paint his eyes and bless his heart
In celebration of the fallen feast,
A slaughter song silent in the night.

Falling upon full fields they die
They die and bring life back
To their first mother, the hungry
Mistress that she may recline,
And decline, and in time again
Spit fools upon her chest
To nurture, observe,
And consume.

All divinity a hunter, and every man a meal.



it's no velázquez but it'll do.JPG
it's no velázquez but it'll do.JPG


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Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-02 08:26:47 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-03-01 20:17:59 (#)
Ranking: 2

DUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN - DUNNNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN - DUNNNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

DUNNNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
DUNNNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

DUNNNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

---

Holst doesn't ever seem to want to end that piece, does he?

Submitted by JoeyG at 2007-03-02 03:44:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

There's something hypnotically soothing abuot your poetry.

Are you trying to put me in some sort of trance in order to rape me?

Because if so, then all you gotta do is ask a brother.....

Submitted by Bubba2341 at 2007-03-01 23:00:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Circe at 2007-03-01 20:29:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-01 14:23:36 (#)
Ranking: 1

Nicely done, but more sizzle than steak in my opinion.

Almost as if you are too in love with the words.
____________

As far as flaws go, that one is infinitely preferable to the alternative.

When it comes to style vs substance, I'd much rather see someone err on the side of style.

Submitted by thorpe at 2007-03-01 20:17:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

duddledun-dun-dun-dundundun-duddledun-dun-dun-dundundun-duddledun-dun-dun-dundundun-
duddledun-dun-dun-dundundun-duddledun-dun-dun-dundundun-duddledun-dun-dun-dundundun-
duddledun-dun-dun-dundundun-duddledun-dun-dun-dundundun-duddledun-dun-dun-dundundun-

DUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN - DUNNNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN - DUNNNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

DUNNNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
DUNNNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

DUNNNNN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Submitted by TheUniter at 2007-03-01 19:56:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Submitted by lungfish at 2007-03-01 19:43:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It was an April morning when they told us we should go
And as I turned to you, you smiled at me, how could we say no?

With all the fun to have, to live the dreams we always had
Oh, the songs to sing, when we at last return again

Sending off a glancing kiss, to those who claim they know
Below the streets that steam and hiss,
The devil's in his hole

Oh to sail away, To sandy lands and other days
Oh to touch the dream, Hides inside and never seen.

Into the sun the south the north, at last the birds have flown
The shackles of commitment fell, In pieces on the ground

Oh to ride the wind, To tread the air above the din
Oh to laugh aloud, Dancing as we fought the crowd

To seek the man whose pointing hand, The giant step unfolds
To guide us from the curving path, That churns up into stone

If one bell should ring, in celebration for a king
So fast the heart should beat, As proud the head with heavy feet.

Days went by when you and I, bathed in eternal summers glow
As far away and distant, Our mutual child did grow

Oh the sweet refrain, Soothes the soul and calms the pain
Oh Albion remains, sleeping now to rise again

Wandering and wondering, What place to rest the search
The mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens upon the earth

The mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth
From the earth...

I know the way, know the way, know the way, know the way (X2)

Oh the mighty arms of Atlas, Hold the heavens from the earth.

------

Your poem just reminded me of this. Now I have Zeppelin's greatest song stuck in my head. Cool.

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2007-03-01 18:49:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by shitfuck at 2007-03-01 18:44:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Nice work.

Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope at 2007-03-01 18:27:54 EST (#)
Rating: 0

very nice

Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-03-01 18:17:38 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Despina (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:57:32 (#)
Ranking: 2

Your margins are way too smal, you could fit a lot mroe words on each line, but this was good neway
------
are you Electro's sister?

Submitted by Anansie at 2007-03-01 17:38:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-01 14:23:36 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Nicely done, but more sizzle than steak in my opinion.

Almost as if you are too in love with the words.


Submitted by St_Jimmy at 2007-03-01 12:22:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

<insert intelligent poetry critique here>

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-01 11:55:28 EST (#)
Rating: 0

MOG

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-01 11:46:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

MOG

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-01 11:17:06 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-03-01 11:07:55 (#)
Ranking: 1

nice subject material, interesting. why is it that you prefer odd meters? is it to try and prove something?

---

I didn't give a single thought to meter when writing this. I can't really explain why it looks the way it does. I must have decided to stop certain lines at certain words, or to stop them because of how they looked below the previous line(s).

I agree that there is an inadequacy in language here. As soon as I was done with it I knew there was much more to be done, but I tend to not revise after I've worked something through to completion. I don't know if that's to do with being lazy or preferring to share some pieces as they fall, but either way here we are. This was done in about a half hour. I mention that not to brag - Hallelujah took Leonard Cohen years to write, so who's to judge a piece by how long it took to write? - but in the hopes that it may explain the way the post reads. The thing felt as if it literally wanted to come out of me, and apparently this is how it wanted to present itself.

Submitted by iddqd at 2007-03-01 11:07:55 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by Despina (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:57:32 (#)
Ranking: 2

Your margins are way too smal, you could fit a lot mroe words on each line, but this was good neway

---
for the love of god.

---

nice subject material, interesting. why is it that you prefer odd meters? is it to try and prove something? 4 lines of tetrameter then 4 of tetra-and-a-bit meter (i can never remember whatthat extra half foot is called), then a bunch of penta-and-a-bit lines - though you screwed up one of the lines, cant remember which one, it had 'humility' in it, which was the word screwing it up.

something bugs me about your word selection, i find it inadequate.

still, its way better than i can do, though thats not saying a great deal.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2007-03-01 11:05:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 filename :)

Submitted by The_Drake at 2007-03-01 11:01:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You have a way with words.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-01 11:00:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Despina (user info) at 2007-03-01 10:57:32 (#)
Ranking: 2

Your margins are way too smal, you could fit a lot mroe words on each line, but this was good neway
===
*giggle*

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-01 10:58:25 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Read this on the other place.

Fantastic imagery.

Submitted by Despina at 2007-03-01 10:57:32 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Your margins are way too smal, you could fit a lot mroe words on each line, but this was good neway

Submitted by Amontillado at 2007-03-01 10:50:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I like the maids of honor.

mmm... chocolate.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2007-03-01 10:49:30 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Nice post, wanna fuck?

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-01 10:44:11 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I had to place a laurel wreath upon Stagger Lee's brow yesterday, janxgargler.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2007-03-01 10:41:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You were APT to do this yesterday, cum batcher.


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