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Sorry, bud, but you ain’t getting anywhere with that gangrenous fuck stick.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-08 16:06:16 EST
Rating: 1.65 on 87 ratings (87 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

The man’s name was Darryl, and we went on a date. He was a friend of a friend of an acquaintance. The acquaintance—my co-worker, Marjorie—told me over weak tea and stale saltines that we would be perfect together. She didn’t know this man personally, and to be honest, she didn’t really know me all that well either; but she was willing to bet that we would get along, because he was a hard worker with a nice face, and because Ellen—the friend who had made introductions—was a great judge of character.

Of course, I knew Ellen—knew her well. She was our supervisor, someone Marjorie had flattered and petted and done everything but go down on—the very same supervisor I had run afoul of once or twice, most notably when I threw her kid against my cubicle wall (he asked me to do it), and again, only a week before, when I stopped her from reaching into my bag of spicy peanuts.

(Ellen doesn’t realize it, but she has a nasty habit of itching her armpits when she’s thinking. Deep, prolonged, sandpaper scratching. She does it everywhere, at any time. Sharing my peanuts would have required that I share in her musky dew.)

I offered my skepticism about the whole thing, mentioning Ellen’s soured attitude toward me; but my intrepid coworker added that she had met Daryl and found him winning, friendly and sweet; that he was worth taking a flier on, whatever his relationship to Ellen. Eventually I agreed to see this man for the sake of ending the conversation and gave up my phone number so she could arrange the rendezvous.

Two days later I met him for dinner at a sushi place. He was good-looking, I suppose—filled out in all the right places. His hair wasn’t moussed. Thankfully. He had a blue shirt that wasn’t too blue and dark pants that hung loosely over fit legs. As a plus, he was shod in shoes, real leather shoes. Most of the men I date only wear sneakers. I felt optimistic.

He greeted me warmly and went through the typical compliments, dress, hair, face, etc. I returned them in kind, and we sat down. The first hint of the trouble to come was in his smile. It was insistent, forceful. Denying it seemed sacrilegious.

We ordered, and he kept his smile on me. I put my elbow on the table and plopped my chin in it.

“If you’re looking for a staring contest, you won’t win. I have a record of 55 minutes.”

“You don’t say.”

“I do say. It cost Hitchcock four Mars bars once.”

“Hancock?”

“Hitchcock. He’s a friend at work.”

We continued staring at each other. His smile remained the same throughout, never twisted or skewed, even when he spoke.

“A good friend?”

“Who? Hitchcock? I’d say he is.”

“Are you flirting with me?

I laughed. “Nope.

“It seems like you’re flirting with me.”

“I’m not that original. I flick my hair when I flirt.”

“Then what are you doing?”

I shrugged. “Staring.”

“All right then. I give.”

He turned away and dramatically covered his eyes with his forearm. I sat back. “That’ll be a Mars bar.”

“I thought it was for four.”

“Uh uh. Hitchcock is special, a sucker for double or nothing. I’d hope you were wiser.

Daryl nodded and laughed. He still had that smile, but he wasn’t staring at me as intensely as before.

“What do you do for work? Anything interesting?”

“Not really. Just counting numbers, recording hours. Sometimes I get to travel, though. That’s fun.”

I added, “I once stayed at a hotel where there was a stripper convention.”

He laughed. “You did? They have stripper conventions?”

“Yep. I got my picture taken with a pair of attendees. They signed my address book.”

I reached in my purse and showed him the autographs.

“Nice. Got the picture?

I smiled. “No, and it isn’t that sexy, either—if that’s what you’re interested in. They’re both wearing fleece pull-overs and swishy pants.”

“A shame.” He snickered..

Dinner followed. It was good and Daryl’s smile became easier to take, if only from my extended exposure to it. After that we went to a movie. Then he brought me home.

It had been a nice night, all things considered. I decided if he were to call and ask, I’d accept a second date. He took me to my door.

“This is going to sound like a line, but could I come in to use the bathroom?”

I gave him an appraising look. “That’s it? Just the can?”

“Yes, I swear.”

“All right. Come on.”

I opened the door and flicked the light switch. I looked around. The place was as I left it, and I pointed toward the bathroom. Daryl nodded and scurried by.

Purse, keys, and coat all went on the kitchen table. Then I grabbed my cell off its catch and checked my messages, having to punch the keys twice due to my tired fingers There were a few from Candy, just nonsense mingled with faltering static from her speaker phone; and one from Sarah, yet another of my coworkers, checking up on my date. Unsatisfied, I deleted them and I sat down to a bottle of water. Daryl didn’t come out right away, and I guessed why.. I rolled my eyes and took a healthy sip. The silence continued in its menacing way, portending doom, and I almost called out before finally hearing the rush of running water on the other side of the wall, behind my sink.

It bothered me. He had taken a shit in my house on our first date. It seemed presumptuous to expect that his crap can mingle with mine. But it wasn’t a deal breaker. People gotta shit. Hell, I’ve written about it. He took a while cleaning up, though, and that seemed more unsettling. I began drumming the table with the half-empty bottle, an attempt to drown out the noise from the sink

Finally, at least 20 minutes after he went in, he came out.

“Oh, no.”

I pushed my seat back and went behind the little wall separating the kitchen and the living room. He was smiling. And he was naked.

“Nope! Out! Out!”

His pubes were wet. Christ.

“Are you ready?” He was smiling and—save for his neck and face—very, very hairy. He looked like the Bigfoot from Harry and the Hendersons with his cashew penis, jingling pathetically as he walked, barely exposed beyond a tuft of wet, matted hair.

“Out! God help me if you touch anything. Cover up. Put your clothes on. It was a nice night. Put your clothes on!

“Please….With all that “hand-cock” business, you knew. Enough games.”

Hitchcock! “Hitchcock!” I stammered. “Out! You have five minutes. Oh God.”

I zipped through the living room, passed the groping naked man newly added to my furniture scheme, and made it to my closet. There I grabbed my softball bat, still rich with the blood of other less nauseating suitors.

“Cover up and go! I had 10 homeruns in my senior year!”

I thrust it over my head like a samurai sword. He inched back.

“I was going to show you—“

“Nope. Don’t show me anything!” But I did see something. He lowered his hands, and like plucking a dove from a thorn bush, exposed the rest of “It.” I didn’t notice it before—don’t ask me how I missed it—but this wasn’t just an ordinary cashew. It was a pale, powdery, moss-green cashew.

( There was a post on here, one with a variety of penises being all pointy and happy. None of those could come close to this. None of those was flaccid and green and jingling, jingling like an uncooked piece of lobster meat)

I shivered and swung my bat, just missing him. “Out, or so help me!”

His smile vanished and he retreated back to the bathroom. While he was in there, I grabbed my phone and punched in 911, ready to press send if he came out, cashew flying. But he didn’t. He returned, dressed as he was before, and walked slowly, deferentially to the door. As he passed he didn’t look up, but gave me a tremulous nod. Finally, door closing, he spoke to the jam, thanking it, in lieu of me, for a fun night.

First thing I did was lock the door. Then, bat in hand, I went to survey the bathroom. It was clean. There weren’t any pools of water or stray bits of sasquatch hair. Still, I decided I would clean it thoroughly the next morning. That night, the bat stayed under my bed.

In closing, I think I should mention that Ellen gave me a very curious look the next morning. I don’t know if Daryl had told her what had happened, but she seemed to know. And she smiled.







don't_look_at_his_dingledangle.jpg
don't_look_at_his_dingledangle.jpg


Review This Item

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Reviews


Submitted by tenofspades at 2015-01-25 11:35:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

quality writing.

Submitted by Loren at 2015-01-24 14:46:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Laughed my ass off.

Submitted by hour_man at 2007-09-06 06:02:58 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

much funnier than this shit The Drunk Magician and her Flowering Hat Trick

Submitted by Brdn_Nkd at 2007-09-05 12:21:54 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-09-02 13:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

how'd I miss this?

awesome

Submitted by netimportant at 2007-09-02 16:11:09 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Haha, oh my God, this is hilarious.

Submitted by Merlina at 2007-09-02 13:01:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

how'd I miss this?

awesome

Submitted by Fey at 2007-08-22 09:37:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

"passed the groping naked man newly added to my furniture scheme"

Submitted by Newty at 2007-08-08 17:56:04 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Euw

Submitted by SgtHartman at 2007-08-08 17:17:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

oh my fucking god thats funny

Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-08-08 16:30:05 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

where have you been hiding?

Submitted by Unabonger at 2007-03-15 22:54:11 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

sober. read it. I was right.

Submitted by sideshow at 2007-03-12 12:15:31 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

"I didn't notice it before—don't ask me how I missed it—but this wasn't just an ordinary cashew. It was a pale, powdery, moss-green cashew.

( There was a post on here, one with a variety of penises being all pointy and happy. None of those could come close to this. None of those was flaccid and green and jingling, jingling like an uncooked piece of lobster meat)"

That was so funny!!!

Submitted by TheUniter at 2007-03-11 16:40:15 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

.

Submitted by TheUniter at 2007-03-11 16:40:03 EDT (#)
Rating: 1


Submitted by Maddog at 2007-03-11 12:30:18 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

i dug it.

Submitted by DeathJester at 2007-03-11 10:57:42 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Harry!

Submitted by Off_The_Wagon at 2007-03-09 15:29:06 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I think the word is...fake.

Submitted by Off_The_Wagon at 2007-03-09 15:26:26 EST (#)
Rating: 1

A little too...I don't know.

Submitted by precision at 2007-03-09 13:17:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2007-03-08 16:46:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

In anyone else's home I would have been more curious, but my first priority was to sunder Harry from casa de ally.


As for asking Ellen, that is out of the question. I think she planned the whole thing and used Marjorie as her foil. If that's the case, I need to plan. Nobody is sicking green penises on me. No sir.
============================
How would you feel about a nice shade of orange?

Submitted by Director at 2007-03-09 12:31:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2007-03-09 09:37:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wow.

I'm glad breakfast was an hour and a half ago.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-09 09:00:22 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by paul_anthony (user info) at 2007-03-09 07:04:32 EST (#)
Ranking: -2

-2 you gave me a visual I did not want to see this morning

====================================

Who told you to read this this morning? If you had emailed me, I would have advised a later reading--perhaps with your afternoon tea.

Submitted by DrogoRoch at 2007-03-09 07:42:52 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Holy crap there are some weird chaps out there.

I have an issue with the whole 'Shitting on the first date' try as I might to purge as best as I can before I go out, my bowels seem to always want to give a delayed encore; presumtious little shit that it is.

Submitted by phuzzygish at 2007-03-09 07:12:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Awesomeness.

Submitted by paul_anthony at 2007-03-09 07:04:32 EST (#)
Rating: -2

-2 you gave me a visual I did not want to see this morning

Submitted by Berty at 2007-03-09 05:38:31 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's a great story and all but I do worry that you're kind of a terrible, monstrous human being.

Just the language you use is all, the tone you describe stuff in.

Submitted by Herpes at 2007-03-09 01:09:49 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Coulda been worse... it coulda been me.

Submitted by ASO at 2007-03-09 00:45:46 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I read caes' review and decided that the story is probably good enough for a +2.

Submitted by thecaes at 2007-03-09 00:16:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

By the way, you post real good.

Submitted by thecaes at 2007-03-09 00:16:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Seriously. Did this happen?? If so, WHO DOES THAT?? To go into a woman's house on the first date, take a shit, and then present your naked hairy body to her (green cashew and all) is either the height of overconfidence or height of complete lack of intuition.

Come on. This didn't really happen. I know a guy who had sex with five different women last week. He's pissed in a slushie machine at a 7-11 and ejaculated into his buddy's unattended shoes and even HE wouldn't do something so fucking lame.

Submitted by munkeypants at 2007-03-08 22:39:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

cashew penis... HAHAHAHA

Submitted by DCWoody at 2007-03-08 22:02:33 EST (#)
Rating: 1

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2007-03-08 21:43:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-08 20:23:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I question your gender.

=======================

I question your species.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hahahaha

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-08 21:43:14 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-08 20:23:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I question your gender.

=======================

I question your species.

Submitted by Unabonger at 2007-03-08 21:17:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm too drunk to read this right now...but I'll assume it's like your others and kicks ass.

Submitted by Falafel at 2007-03-08 21:06:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

While he was in there, I grabbed my phone and punched in 911, ready to press send if he came out, cashew flying.

BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

Submitted by goferforhire at 2007-03-08 20:56:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

hahahaha

furniture scheme

Submitted by lungfish at 2007-03-08 20:47:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

with his cashew penis, jingling pathetically as he walked

_

Ha

Submitted by coley at 2007-03-08 20:42:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I like Ally.

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-08 20:23:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I question your gender.

Submitted by consuelo212 at 2007-03-08 20:13:59 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by forensicgirl3 at 2007-03-08 19:57:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Ew!

Submitted by joedaddy at 2007-03-08 19:47:06 EST (#)
Rating: 1

sounds like the two-pump-chump spanked his skippy before coming....out

you got green soap...or toothpaste?

Submitted by moneyshotforyou at 2007-03-08 19:40:40 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I would have been forced to fuck you with my pathetic little dick until the police arrived. Just for shits and giggles and it would have made for a better post.

Submitted by darko at 2007-03-08 19:37:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-03-08 18:55:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

can't believe darko missed that filename.

Submitted by manic_impressive at 2007-03-08 19:30:37 EST (#)
Rating: 2

it'll do

Submitted by DCWoody at 2007-03-08 19:29:01 EST (#)
Rating: 1

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-03-08 16:51:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

i read one of your other posts and now i can't stop making those friggin throwing ninja stars.

this was funny

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ninja stars?


dammit none of those post names seem ninjistic, now I gotta check all of them

Submitted by pen_name at 2007-03-08 18:55:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

can't believe darko missed that filename.

Submitted by Stagger_Lee at 2007-03-08 18:52:51 EST (#)
Rating: 1

You were giving me signals all night, you tease.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-08 18:01:10 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-08 17:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I'M RETIRED!

why? are you paying?

i have a minimum fee.

===============================

I have a maximum fee. I just hate charging more than I'm worth.

Submitted by tiaprae at 2007-03-08 17:57:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Either way, why do you spend all day looking at penis?

Submitted by tiaprae at 2007-03-08 17:54:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

How much?

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2007-03-08 17:53:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-08 17:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Stop looking at that nude of mine that somehow got into your hands, Noonie.

It's not right for you to see it. Give it back.

----------

if only...

*wistful sigh*

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2007-03-08 17:52:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'M RETIRED!

why? are you paying?

i have a minimum fee.

Submitted by tiaprae at 2007-03-08 17:51:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-08 17:36:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

i'm gonna go cry now. i stare at penis all day and this made me not want to go to work tomorrow :(

i hate you.
---
Are you a hooker?

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-08 17:39:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Stop looking at that nude of mine that somehow got into your hands, Noonie.

It's not right for you to see it. Give it back.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2007-03-08 17:36:19 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i'm gonna go cry now. i stare at penis all day and this made me not want to go to work tomorrow :(

i hate you.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-08 17:02:15 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-08 16:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

WATCH OUT FOR LA FLEUR, HARRY! SEEK SHELTER IN THE HENDERSONS' NEIGHBOR'S POOL! YOU KNOW, THE ONE THE WIFE THOUGHT A GIANT CONDOR FLEW BY AND TOOK A SHIT IN!

=============================================

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys at 2007-03-08 17:00:55 EST (#)
Rating: 2

uh huh huh huh "pubes!"

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-08 16:55:29 EST (#)
Rating: 2

WATCH OUT FOR LA FLEUR, HARRY! SEEK SHELTER IN THE HENDERSONS' NEIGHBOR'S POOL! YOU KNOW, THE ONE THE WIFE THOUGHT A GIANT CONDOR FLEW BY AND TOOK A SHIT IN!

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2007-03-08 16:53:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Sometimes I feel sorry for girls and all the shit they have to go through, but just before I reach a state of total empathy I start thinking about their boobies and my mind just sort of goes blank.

Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe at 2007-03-08 16:51:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i read one of your other posts and now i can't stop making those friggin throwing ninja stars.

this was funny

Submitted by tiaprae at 2007-03-08 16:49:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

For some god awful reason now I want to know what causes that. I googled "Green genitalia":

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0101/actionalert.html

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2007-03-08 16:47:59 EST (#)
Rating: 2


There are so many gems in here that De Beers will be sending a shift of pickax weilding South Africans in any minute.

Submitted by Badlands at 2007-03-08 16:47:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Yes.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-08 16:46:29 EST (#)
Rating: 0

In anyone else's home I would have been more curious, but my first priority was to sunder Harry from casa de ally.


As for asking Ellen, that is out of the question. I think she planned the whole thing and used Marjorie as her foil. If that's the case, I need to plan. Nobody is sicking green penises on me. No sir.

Submitted by tiaprae at 2007-03-08 16:40:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by AllyJeans (user info) at 2007-03-08 16:31:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

I'm not asking a crazy naked man why his penis is green! Maybe it was the only part of him that could transform, ala the Incredible Hulk.
---
Maybe I'm just too curious about oddities with people.

Submitted by tiaprae at 2007-03-08 16:39:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Well, I'm not male, but I think just out of curiousity, I would have to know.

Maybe I would call later. Or ask Ellen. But I think first reaction would be to scream, and then hold up the bat for a moment and ask how it got that way.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-08 16:33:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Men seem to be alot braver when it comes to taking on discolored penises (assuming the questioners are male).

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-08 16:31:52 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I'm not asking a crazy naked man why his penis is green! Maybe it was the only part of him that could transform, ala the Incredible Hulk.

Submitted by DirtyHarry at 2007-03-08 16:29:00 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Submitted by tiaprae (user info) at 2007-03-08 16:26:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

I think given the same situation, I would have paused to ask why it was green.


----------------

Me too.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-08 16:26:56 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Haha, when I hear "gangrenous fuck stick," I smile. It wasn't meant as a slight toward the male gender.

Submitted by tiaprae at 2007-03-08 16:26:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I think given the same situation, I would have paused to ask why it was green.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-08 16:23:28 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I just noticed I used "jingling," when I should have used "jiggling." To be fair, I thought I heard some chimes playing at the time.

Submitted by darko at 2007-03-08 16:20:43 EST (#)
Rating: -1

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-08 16:07:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -1

It was all downhill after the title.

Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-03-08 16:20:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'd love to go on a date with you, but only if you dressed up as Helen Slater...

Submitted by Foolproof at 2007-03-08 16:20:24 EST (#)
Rating: 1

You had me at "gangrenous fuck stick"!

*embraces Ally - weeps on Ally's shoulder*

Submitted by ICO at 2007-03-08 16:20:24 EST (#)
Rating: 1

'passed the groping naked man newly added to my furniture scheme'

Submitted by Shlongy at 2007-03-08 16:17:44 EST (#)
Rating: -1

I'm sincere, if nothing else.

I think I like you.

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-08 16:16:29 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-08 16:10:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -1

You must have noticed that I added a point because rumor has it that you have a pusada.

The feeling is mutual, babycakes.

===================

I'll never again doubt your warm intentions.

Submitted by messmind at 2007-03-08 16:16:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

"jingling like an uncooked piece of lobster meat"

Fusion! Fusion! Fusion!

Submitted by Snare at 2007-03-08 16:14:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

....groping naked man newly added to my furniture...


Thank you Ally! On a hung-over Friday morning, staring down the barrell of a full day with an IT consultant and a congentinal moron, you made me smile.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-08 16:14:09 EST (#)
Rating: 2

OH FUCKING GROSS

I went on a date with a Darryl once. Same spelling and all. But it was to a HS basketball game and he never showed me his wang.

p.s.- you were too nice. Unauthorized exhibitionism on the first date after a shit is taken is grounds for IMMEDIATE dismissal and the throwing of his clothes out the door.

Submitted by The_Drake at 2007-03-08 16:12:50 EST (#)
Rating: 2

+2 Harry

Submitted by Shlongy at 2007-03-08 16:10:57 EST (#)
Rating: -1

You must have noticed that I added a point because rumor has it that you have a pusada.

The feeling is mutual, babycakes.

Submitted by MichaelJackson at 2007-03-08 16:10:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

You should post more often

Submitted by AllyJeans at 2007-03-08 16:08:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I love you too. :)

Submitted by Shlongy at 2007-03-08 16:07:16 EST (#)
Rating: -1

It was all downhill after the title.


Bart: So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad
so other kids will like you better?

Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

The Telltale Head