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Freak Flag Friday: Physical Oddities

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 11:50:12 EST
Rating: 1.49 on 132 ratings (132 reviews) (Review this item) (V)

As many of you are aware, I'm something of a hottie.

Yes, yes, calm down. You'll cause a scene and I need you to make it through to the end of this. There will be participation. And punch. Pie, maybe, but that really depends on you.

Remember when ghola constantly raved about pie?

Anyway...

Contained within this impressive form is little in the way of physical showmanship, a hard reality I faced late last night when I saw some footage of some kid popping his shoulder out of its socket and flapping his arm about.

I sure as hell can't do that. I'm not double jointed and I don't have any sort of prosthetic with which to remove and shock the public. I didn't lose a finger while working at a deli or anything. I knew guys in grade school who could turn their eyelids inside out, or shoot milk out their eye, but I can't do that either. Wiggling my ears? Maybe a little, I guess, but not so you'd really notice. Can't put my legs behind my head or my fist in my mouth (insert 'legs behind YOUR head and fist inside YOU' here). I have but one scar and have only broken one bone in these, my many years.

I don't have Hitcher's Thumb but I do have that Morton's Toe deal. I guess. Apparently the actual definition of it is a short big toe and a long second toe, but my big toe is normal sized and the second isn't much longer. Fucking Morton, making it all so complicated.

The only forms of physical manipulation I'm adept at are dual eyebrow raising and pec flexing the likes of which the world hasn't seen since Lex Luger was big in the WWF. However the only thing either of these 'talents' are good for is making me look like an inquisitive perv.

Bleh.

And yet, through a stunning combination of tongue-y capability and patience I discovered, as a child, that I was able to create and blow bubbles with my saliva. Perfectly formed little spheres of oral viscosity, combined with whatever I'd had to eat that day and, of course, the Grace of God, floating gently out of my mouth and into the wild world beyond. Too much water in your mouth and they'd fall apart. Too much force of breath and the damn things'd pop. To all things, balance.

I haven't done that in years, but damned if I didn't just try and succeed.

Yippee.

That settles it. I'm going to try to float one into my unsuspecting co-worker's mouth later today. Film at 11.


Oh and I've never been stung by a bee. Hoo-fucking-ray.


How about you, HMM? Surely you're not all physical dullards.

Fly those freak flags high and proud, bitches. It's Friday.


watch out or i'll attack your salad or dinner plate.JPG
watch out or i'll attack your salad or dinner plate.JPG


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Reviews


Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-27 21:19:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

reval

Submitted by JoeyG at 2007-03-12 17:58:55 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

What a time to be alive.

Although I fear that my attempts to modify my cooler may prove disastrous.

Watch this space.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-12 10:20:00 EDT (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by JoeyG at 2007-03-12 10:10:26 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-12 10:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-03-12 09:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

i can make my ear into a catapult and then launch small candies from it.

seriously.

---

You're like a miniature version of that beer launching refrigerator

------------

There's a beer launching refrigerator?

WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED OF THIS DEVICE????????????? I MUST HAVE ONE!!!!!!!

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-12 10:06:49 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-03-12 09:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0

i can make my ear into a catapult and then launch small candies from it.

seriously.

---

You're like a miniature version of that beer launching refrigerator.

Submitted by bob at 2007-03-12 09:51:46 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

i can make my ear into a catapult and then launch small candies from it.

seriously.

Submitted by JoeyG at 2007-03-12 06:04:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Note to self.

Trying to blow spit bubbles after eating a peanut butter sandwich is a bad idea.

Mmmmmmm, chunky.

Submitted by ripple at 2007-03-12 01:31:52 EDT (#)
Rating: 1

just to reveal a slight familial oddity here:

"I don't have Hitcher's Thumb but I do have that Morton's Toe deal. I guess. Apparently the actual definition of it is a short big toe and a long second toe, but my big toe is normal sized and the second isn't much longer. Fucking Morton, making it all so complicated. "

my brother, mom, and grandfather all possess said trait. except the grandfather/mom refer to it as a 'princess toe.' my brothers just embarrassed about how when he wears his jesus sandals, his second toe hangs out over the edge.

my left pinkie is kind of twisted and smaller than my right one with an absolutely miniscule nail. its also the only finger i have that can do that thing where only the top joint bends. not the middle one. if you dont know what im talking about....

oh well.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-12 00:01:36 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-11 19:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

The man knows what he's doing, eh Lish?

Bastard.

I never got my robes, either......

---

Dude, they're in the mails.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-12 00:01:10 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

gas ventriloquist below

Submitted by Amontillado at 2007-03-11 20:28:01 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2007-03-09 13:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

I have a freckle on my right palm.
----

Me too!

I have a hitchikrer's thumb, and I can make farting noises with my neck.

Submitted by coley at 2007-03-11 19:15:57 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

The man knows what he's doing, eh Lish?

Bastard.

I never got my robes, either......

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-11 18:47:12 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-11 15:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2

awkward silence below
===
Yeah, he uses it as a control method to remind me to submit.

Notice I get no apology, either. My eternal reward better be fucking CLUTCH.

Submitted by TheUniter at 2007-03-11 16:32:20 EDT (#)
Rating: 0

.

Submitted by TheUniter at 2007-03-11 16:32:11 EDT (#)
Rating: -1


Submitted by coley at 2007-03-11 15:54:47 EDT (#)
Rating: 2

awkward silence below

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-11 00:46:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ghola stopped raving about pie when we gave her some. So, if I constantly rave about your mouth..

Submitted by rob_berg at 2007-03-10 03:07:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2



I can do the wave with my eyebrows.




...reverse too.


Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-10 02:25:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I don't know what the fuck that means below but plus two for your critique on the poem. I was writing mine and then before I posted I saw you had complied with my humble demands.

It appears we agree on some points.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-10 01:57:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

TYDLIHYGN

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-10 01:57:24 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Fine. Never send a boy to do a man's job.

I'll do it myself.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-10 01:53:49 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Here's to all the mogs
Drunk and hardly crucified
Trolleybound down Main to 5th
To 8th and the stumbling mogs beyond
Beyond dimlit blowjob alleys
Past old diners and older food
To the next open bar
And, mercifully, the next shootaway drink.

I'm out.

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-10 01:49:52 EST (#)
Rating: 0

And bump the rating while you're there, too.

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-10 01:48:43 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I see Sacrilicious softened you up on the granny ode.

I found your sarcasm directed at the poem on the front page just now distasteful and thought I'd address it here.

True, the poem wasn't great, not even close.

But I would think someone who writes poetry would be a little more supportive, especially on a site like this with post after post of utter shite.

Why not give a constructive critique on a post like that?

It was obviously meant seriously.

You have a wonderful affinity with words.

Quite the pity if you can't spare a few for an honest effort.

Now get your skinny ass back over there and offer that poor sap an honest critique you poet fucking laureate.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-10 01:44:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's the last suburban town in America with a trolley running down the main street.

It passes about 15 mog bars/restaurants sog in the first 6 blocks.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-10 01:40:12 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I'm sure yuns done have a lot of fun at them there Mog Bars. I'm sure they keep plenty of old bottle caps in the jaun.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-10 01:33:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

It's an above the Mason-Dixon Line thing, you wouldn't understand, slim.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-10 01:30:27 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I'll just have to look for Dateline NBC: To Catch a Mog Bar Predator or something, I guess.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-10 01:27:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

secret society would have to kill you etc etc

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-10 01:17:27 EST (#)
Rating: 0

That's what happens when you quit. Or so I'm told.

What, exactly, is a "mog bar?"

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-10 01:16:08 EST (#)
Rating: 2

mog bars are smoky when your smoke nevar got born yet again

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-10 00:38:31 EST (#)
Rating: 0

My birthmark looks like Madagascar.

I know, I know. Don't everyone get in line to fawn all over it all at once now.

Submitted by maiorano84 at 2007-03-10 00:36:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2


I have a hammer-toe, and a huge black-and-white shaded (and symmetrical) birthmark on my back that looks like a tattoo. I can also bend my pinky back to my wrist, and pop over 50 different parts of my body.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-10 00:09:58 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-09 19:16:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

And what do you apologize to me for?

---

I regret nuh-zeeng.

'Sides, you wouldn't respect me in the morning if I apologized. Some cult leader I'D be.

Submitted by kuroneko_sama at 2007-03-09 23:55:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i can infact, dispite contrary belief that humans can't... lick my elbow

and the tip of my nose

and i can move my eyes independantly

as well as manually adjust my pupils




Submitted by coley at 2007-03-09 19:56:17 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-09 19:14:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-09 18:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

and what do you apologize to me for?

---

For starters, for not giving you a child by insisting we do it "the other way" all those times.
====
oh, and here I thought you were going to apologize to me for making me "come out on top" all the time (like in that Bart's game post)...I was going to say; no apology necessary. It's easier maneuverability from the upper angles anyhow.

wait, what?

Submitted by HighVoltage900 at 2007-03-09 19:54:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Something about reading the words "oral viscosity" made me feel that I had been raped.

Jolly good show.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-09 19:16:26 EST (#)
Rating: 2

And what do you apologize to me for?

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 19:14:53 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-09 18:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

and what do you apologize to me for?

---

For starters, for not giving you a child by insisting we do it "the other way" all those times.

Submitted by MANICMOTHER at 2007-03-09 19:13:54 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Free Hat

Submitted by Ducky at 2007-03-09 18:37:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-03-09 12:42:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

I've got long toes and rediculously arched feet so I can sorta use my feet as hands. Like I can use a computer mouse with my feet. I've done it. And I'm good at picking stuff up with my feet. Nothing heavy, mostly just dirty clothes, but yeah.
_________________________________________________

Same minus the arched feet, but my toes spread really far apart as well...it's sort of gross, but I'm incredibly sturdy.

Submitted by coley at 2007-03-09 18:26:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

and what do you apologize to me for?

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 18:03:49 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-03-09 17:59:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

what're you going to apologize to me for?

---

For starters: never being there to help raise our child.

Submitted by coley at 2007-03-09 18:00:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sexy.

Submitted by Crystle at 2007-03-09 17:59:47 EST (#)
Rating: 2

what're you going to apologize to me for?

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 17:38:21 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I can't wait until I get to the part where I have to apologize to everyone.

Submitted by Crystle at 2007-03-09 17:30:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

at least you realize it. That's the first step to recovery.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 17:25:57 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Look I say wenis sometimes, ok? Not all the time but enough to make it stand out.

Of course I also say crinkle, janx and blammo so maybe I'm not the authority on what's cool and uncool.

Submitted by Crystle at 2007-03-09 17:20:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

possibly, Caul, but I think "wenis" is a reference to something.

Possibly Beevis and Butthead?

*I SUCK at pop-culture references!*

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2007-03-09 17:15:35 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Weener would've made more sense, no?%

Submitted by LittleMonster at 2007-03-09 17:14:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

My fingers are all funky and my knuckles wasted after an accident. My nose now bends in ways it didnt until it got broken a couple of weeks ago. At least its striaght though.


Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 17:13:33 EST (#)
Rating: 0

below the Listless Woman below, that is

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 17:13:10 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Wenis Wanting Frog below

Submitted by Crystle at 2007-03-09 17:13:01 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I'm a wombat?!?!?!



*sob*

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2007-03-09 17:08:48 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Wombat With Fungus below

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 17:01:18 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Women With Funbags below

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-09 17:00:16 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-03-09 16:54:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

gah - WWF below

Submitted by Crystle at 2007-03-09 16:54:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

gah - WWF below

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2007-03-09 16:51:51 EST (#)
Rating: 0

wtf, totally not what we tried. we thought it was a move while running.

fuck you un-deux-trois kid for wasting countless hours.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 16:47:35 EST (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by Crystle at 2007-03-09 16:47:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I don't know if I want to detail my various physical talents here..


but I'll give you these minor tidbits: I can raise each eyebrow independantly.


And I'm flexible.


The roof of my mouth is ticklish.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2007-03-09 16:42:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

ROFL! I remember that!
We used to do it too!

It's 1-2-3 kid we couldn't figure out.

I can't believe I'm talking about Pro-Wrestling.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 16:35:47 EST (#)
Rating: 0


Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 16:31:04 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Just something Flair would yell sometimes before applying the move to someone is all. In an actual match I mean, not the SNES game. Your nostalgia was contagious for a moment.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2007-03-09 16:26:15 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-09 16:21:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Dear Caul,

I recall a friend of mine doing Bret Hart's sharpshooter on his girlfriend at a party back in high school. I believe they broke up shortly thereafter. Imagine that. """

I don't recall Bret Hart's move. He was one of the few we had not uncovered with the controls.

Ok so I lied. The most important part of the figure four is yelling "NOW WE GO TO SCHOOOL, FAT BOY! WOO!!" (or in your case, "LE WOO!") before applying it. You've gotta have the moxy. """

I have really no idea what that means. ???

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 16:21:23 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Dear Caul,

I recall a friend of mine doing Bret Hart's sharpshooter on his girlfriend at a party back in high school. I believe they broke up shortly thereafter. Imagine that.

The important part about Flair's figure four is getting your victim's bent leg over their shin. Oh and, of course, making sure that they don't turn over. BECAUSE ONCE THEY TURN YOU OVER IT HURTS YOU. Apparently. Seems like a shoddy move if it can be reversed in such a devastating fashion.

And always work the left leg. All wrestlers are trained to apply submissions and such to their opponent's left arm and leg so they can work with anyone no matter where they're having a match. Kind of like a tradesman's handshake, if you will. Sucks if you're a natural southpaw, but them's the breaks.


Ok so I lied. The most important part of the figure four is yelling "NOW WE GO TO SCHOOOL, FAT BOY! WOO!!" (or in your case, "LE WOO!") before applying it. You've gotta have the moxy.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2007-03-09 16:16:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

fuck that game just bring up memories. we played so much. i remember running around doing the tatanka dance. my older brother would do the Razor Ramon move to us. or he'd do the Yokozuna belly check on us, which forced him to learn wall plastering pretty soon. i used to try to figure out the Rick Flair leg bar, using my little brother as a guinea pig. etc...

sorry about that blog entry. i'm nostalgic today.

Submitted by Caulaincourt at 2007-03-09 16:09:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Lex Luger mention auto +2

we called him Monsieur Bobettes (Mr. Panties) when we were kids and played WWF on SNES because of his ridiculous white speedo.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 14:47:52 EST (#)
Rating: 0

"Crinkle" is the new "balloon knot."

Pass it on.

Submitted by Despina at 2007-03-09 14:46:42 EST (#)
Rating: 2

oooh u figured out how to fix the margins ni word, im so prod of you!!!

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2007-03-09 14:35:17 EST (#)
Rating: 1

You just had to out do me by one "F" didn't you, you fucking scumbag? I tell you what, I'll call it even because I am using the word crinkle now, but that doesn't mean that you don't have give my coin purse some pipette.

Submitted by ampersand at 2007-03-09 14:16:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I guess I'll have to download it over break and see for myself. But yea, if you put funeral as one of your all time favs, our tastes are very different.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-09 14:08:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-03-09 14:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Theyll be in DC monday, thats when i'm going. I was wondering if Sac was also a native of the DC area. Have you gotten the new arcade fire cd? Is it as good as the internet says it is? I thought funeral was really overrated (aside from rebellion).

===
I have the AF CD (Thanks to Orgasmatron), but Funeral is one of my favorite albums of all time, so our tastes are probably different that way. I enjoy this one a lot, and I always give things some time, but at this point I'd say Funeral is still my favorite.

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-09 14:03:29 EST (#)
Rating: 0

What he lacks in stamina he makes up for in speed.

You simply cannot imagine his hearty fraternal grip unless you've experienced it firsthand.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-09 14:03:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

HAHAHA Susie..I..I don't know what to say..I'd like to thank god, and the academy..

(What's funny is, they are so sparse and light colored that they're memorable only because if I don't color them in, I look washed out).

(sssh don't tell)

Submitted by ampersand at 2007-03-09 14:02:45 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Theyll be in DC monday, thats when i'm going. I was wondering if Sac was also a native of the DC area. Have you gotten the new arcade fire cd? Is it as good as the internet says it is? I thought funeral was really overrated (aside from rebellion).

@susie, yea i cant really blame you there. Not that I'm unhappy with my penis, I just wouldnt want both. (Or would I?)

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 13:59:49 EST (#)
Rating: 0

The Rock says..."footjobbable below."

Submitted by Susie_Derkins at 2007-03-09 13:58:57 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Sacrilicious - you win the People's Eyebrow Award, yours is equally as impressive as mine.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2007-03-09 13:58:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-09 13:35:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1

I just had sex with Captain Thorns on another post and boy are my arms tired.
-----------------

And BOY OH BOY was it pleasurable.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-09 13:54:02 EST (#)
Rating: 2

DAMMIT I NEVER WIN ANYTHING.

Ampersand- they're playing Philly on Tuesday.

Submitted by Susie_Derkins at 2007-03-09 13:53:22 EST (#)
Rating: 2

O - that means I actually have to post something....shit.

Ampersand - .....................nah. Pretty happy with the parts I've got. But picking up small dropped items with my toes is pretty handy.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 13:53:04 EST (#)
Rating: 0

They'll be in DC sometime soon, I imagine, if they're trekking about the east coast.

Not that I'm going. If/when forced to choose I'd go with the Arcade Fire over the Shinnies.

Submitted by ampersand at 2007-03-09 13:50:45 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Are they playing constitution hall tuesday as well?

And I dont know why you gave me a :( susie, I can give myself footjobs (maybe) and thats definitely a :). Maybe you just need to grow a penis?

Submitted by FlakMonkey at 2007-03-09 13:50:30 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-09 12:35:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Don't make me internet threaten you, zebra. As someone once said, I'm a fierce keyboard warrior.
---

Oh sorry! That is incorrect, ma'am.

You are an 'AGGRESSIVE keyboard warrior'

You do not win the bozo button. So sorry. PLease try again later.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 13:49:00 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Your next 5 posts are getting +2s for that Rock reference, Susie.

Submitted by Susie_Derkins at 2007-03-09 13:43:05 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I have a freckle on my right palm. Apparently my right eyebrow is higher than my left, so I have a permanent "People's Eyebrow" going on. One foot is a half size larger than the other. I have long toes too, Ampersand :(

Jack, you are one mean bastard....right on.

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-09 13:35:56 EST (#)
Rating: 1

I just had sex with Captain Thorns on another post and boy are my arms tired.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-09 13:35:43 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I SEE THE SHINS TUESDAY WOOOOO

Submitted by ampersand at 2007-03-09 13:33:33 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Footjobs isnt quite what I meant but, now that you mention it, I am definitely gonna try that over spring break (which starts in 3 hours and 28 minutes, woooo break!). Sadly if it works, it will be the second best part of my break (the best part will be seeing the Shins on monday, woooo Shins!).

Submitted by JonnyX at 2007-03-09 13:18:36 EST (#)
Rating: 2

TASTE ME WHERE I PEE, BIOTCH

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2007-03-09 13:17:39 EST (#)
Rating: 0


A few minutes ago I walked outside for a smoke. An old black guy came up to me…

Old Bastard: Gih-gih-gimme—
Me: (shakes head, lights cigarette)
Old Bastard: Gimme a… gih-gih-gimme a… gimmie a-a-a—
Me: (shakes head and takes a few steps away)
Old Bastard: (getting angry) Gahd!-guh-guh-gimmie-gimme—
Me: (exhales smoke and looks right past the guy)
Old Bastard: You ffff… gimmie-gimmie-gimmie—
Me: what the fuck do you want, you old bastard?
Old Bastard: You ffff… fffffff… fffffffffffffff—
Me: (drops half-smoked cigarette on the sidewalk and steps on it)
Old Bastard: UHHH! Uh-uh-uh—
Me: (walks away)

The homeless fucks around here hate me.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 13:12:44 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Gives himself footjobs below.

Submitted by ampersand at 2007-03-09 13:10:49 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Call me a monkey if you want but its great for watching porn.

Submitted by DesolateMisanthrope at 2007-03-09 13:09:31 EST (#)
Rating: -2

good job sparky, you would make a nice addition to the mental oddity list.

Submitted by hidden101 at 2007-03-09 13:05:45 EST (#)
Rating: 0

holy fuck, Jack. take a knife to those toes!

Submitted by ASO at 2007-03-09 13:05:39 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I would like to have surgery to place webbing into my feet.

Submitted by inion_de_trua at 2007-03-09 13:00:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

i'm double jointed in the elbows and can twist my arms all the way around. i can also braid my fingers and twist and bend my pinkies around in odd ways.

i can also burp REALLY impressively. (proud moment there)

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 13:00:28 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Just wait until next week, Jack. Apparently some region in China is planning on eliminating some 750,000 dogs - domesticated pets and woebegone strays - and leaving only military/govt dogs and research canines alive. I guess they're scurred of the rabies.

But think about all those carcasses. And how the bugs they will feast and a-feast.

Submitted by ASO at 2007-03-09 13:00:20 EST (#)
Rating: 2

oh and my farts smell like raspberries.

Submitted by ASO at 2007-03-09 12:58:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

oh and i tried to blow a bubble on my tongue but they kept popping. but i can flip my eyelids inside out. My pastor taught me to do that when I was very young.

Submitted by ASO at 2007-03-09 12:56:58 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I have a ridiculous hitchhikers' thumb. i can roll my aaarrrrr's. i can raise my right eyebrow, but not the left. I can run a mile in 43 seconds.

Submitted by pen_name at 2007-03-09 12:56:00 EST (#)
Rating: 2

kracka would understand. nothing racist about you except your adam's apple.

(by the way, I'd have a talk with it and straighten it out. You don't need that kind of baggage.)

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2007-03-09 12:50:44 EST (#)
Rating: 0


I once read about a farmer who was looking for two lost cows and he found them dead by a stream. It turns out that they were suffocated to death by thousands of mosquitoes that were breeding there. Their nostrils and throats were packed with dead bugs.




That has nothing to do with this post, but god damn, man.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 12:50:07 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-03-09 12:46:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-09 12:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

monkey below

------------------------

would have been funnier above Zebra's comment.

---

Would have been terribly awkward if kracka had reviewed below me without my knowledge.



In other news, my dad's friend can make a fist backwards. I don't exactly know how fucked up your knuckles have to be to allow that, but it's great at parties.

Submitted by pen_name at 2007-03-09 12:46:41 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-09 12:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

monkey below

------------------------

would have been funnier above Zebra's comment.

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 12:44:07 EST (#)
Rating: 0

monkey below

Submitted by ampersand at 2007-03-09 12:42:50 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I've got long toes and rediculously arched feet so I can sorta use my feet as hands. Like I can use a computer mouse with my feet. I've done it. And I'm good at picking stuff up with my feet. Nothing heavy, mostly just dirty clothes, but yeah.

Submitted by ChalupaTres at 2007-03-09 12:42:33 EST (#)
Rating: 1

My biology teacher showed me something once.
Put one pinky finger up, and your other right next to it, both FULLY extended.
One of them may be crooked.

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-09 12:38:07 EST (#)
Rating: -2

oh now I'm back to a 0 i think i'm so confused i hate this why can't i escape the voooooooortex

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 12:38:03 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-03-09 12:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Actually it's the opposite. Two less flesh cracks, two less sand traps. Feet only.

O-man, you will appreciate this. When I was born everyone looked at my toes and hummed and hawed like it was a huge deal. The doctor suggested surgery, but when the nurse (another redhead) assisting him had a minute with my mom, she explained that the surgery was unnecessary and proved it by taking off her shoes and showing that her toes were identical to mine.

What are the odds, man?

---

The Internet - who is never wrong - tells me that it's every 1 in 2000 or 2500.

But...the male to female ratio is 2:1.

So really, yeah, you'd have had better odds of having the doctor show you his fused feetses.

Nice story though. Was the redhead hot?


In the RPG of life, you're clearly +23 for Making Women Take Their Shoes Off In Front Of You.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2007-03-09 12:37:20 EST (#)
Rating: 0


And she can drive you crazy with that motorboat burping thing.

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-09 12:36:53 EST (#)
Rating: 2

she's doing it again daddy make her stop okay fine here's your goddamn +2 now tell her to stop

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-09 12:35:34 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Don't make me internet threaten you, zebra. As someone once said, I'm a fierce keyboard warrior.

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2007-03-09 12:32:06 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-09 12:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0

Hey Jack, so is it just your lower paws or are your hands affected too?

Does it make coming back from the beach more difficult? Running the risk of additional sand, I mean.

--

Actually it's the opposite. Two less flesh cracks, two less sand traps. Feet only.

O-man, you will appreciate this. When I was born everyone looked at my toes and hummed and hawed like it was a huge deal. The doctor suggested surgery, but when the nurse (another redhead) assisting him had a minute with my mom, she explained that the surgery was unnecessary and proved it by taking off her shoes and showing that her toes were identical to mine.

What are the odds, man?

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-09 12:30:33 EST (#)
Rating: -2

I lied below. My first thought was I've seen better, but I actually found myself cheating you with an undeservedly high rating.

I should have gone with my gut, but unfortunately one of your thugs who shall remain nameless (Sacrilicious) intimidated me on your previous post and the fear of that encounter has remained with me lo, all these hours hence.

But it's never too late to right a wrong.

I hope you appreciate the courage this required.

-1

Submitted by TigerLilly at 2007-03-09 12:24:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2007-03-09 12:23:51 EST (#)
Rating: 2

Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-03-09 12:03:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2


Members of the Jack McCallum fan club already know I am a genuine mutant, born with syndactyly.
----------------
FUSION FUSION FUSION

Submitted by Orgasmatron at 2007-03-09 12:22:05 EST (#)
Rating: 0

pulsehead's makeover hasn't really done anything for me yet. I'm still on the fence.




Hey Jack, so is it just your lower paws or are your hands affected too?

Does it make coming back from the beach more difficult? Running the risk of additional sand, I mean.

Submitted by CHR15 at 2007-03-09 12:21:35 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can make a clover shape with my tounge.. oh, and sometimes my pee pee goes hard, pretty sure none of you can do that.

Submitted by messmind at 2007-03-09 12:20:27 EST (#)
Rating: 2

That bullshit of rating again....

Submitted by zimm0r at 2007-03-09 12:20:10 EST (#)
Rating: 2

!FIRE! !FIRE! !FIRE!

Fag below.

Submitted by messmind at 2007-03-09 12:19:20 EST (#)
Rating: 0

Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-03-09 12:10:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2

no matter how many times they change pulsehead it never gets anymore appealing.


I was thinking i was the only one getting lightheaded from their siteformat...

And i'm not that freaky, really, just that my right leg is an inch longer then my left leg, and all shoes wear off on 1 side. And getting an old goat by now, my hip sometimes hurt.
All women missed it untill now. Must be that 8 inch leg, that's distracting...

Submitted by Daccory at 2007-03-09 12:18:28 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can do 70 push-ups without stopping and can shoot my ejaculate about 8-10 feet.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-09 12:15:14 EST (#)
Rating: 2

And I'm glad to see that in this photo you have assumed the proper position in which to greet me.

Submitted by pen_name at 2007-03-09 12:10:13 EST (#)
Rating: 2

no matter how many times they change pulsehead it never gets anymore appealing.

Submitted by Sacrilicious at 2007-03-09 12:09:06 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can burp at will, more times in a minute than anyone I've met. Little girly ones, but there's a lot of them.

Sexy, huh?

Submitted by Jack_McCallum at 2007-03-09 12:03:12 EST (#)
Rating: 2


Members of the Jack McCallum fan club already know I am a genuine mutant, born with syndactyly.

Other than avoiding situations were I am barefoot among strangers ("Hey... hey man... what's up with your toes, dude? Is that for real? Can I touch them? That's some freaky shit.") it has never caused me any discomfort, and to me people with normal toes look weird.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Webbed_feet

Submitted by The_Drake at 2007-03-09 12:00:56 EST (#)
Rating: 2

I can make blood shoot out of my nose.
One little bump on my nose and it gushes.
.......Terribly inconvenient.

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2007-03-09 12:00:23 EST (#)
Rating: 2

1.5 (Able to get the hottest and ugliest girls drunk enough to fuck).

Submitted by S.I. Co. at 2007-03-09 11:59:35 EST (#)
Rating: 1

Prosthesis.

Submitted by CaptainThorns at 2007-03-09 11:58:03 EST (#)
Rating: 2

*inserts witty comment about unnaturally large phallus*

Submitted by Zebra at 2007-03-09 11:52:18 EST (#)
Rating: 0

I can rate honestly.


Sure, I might offend a few of the blue-noses with my cocky stride and
musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called `City
Fathers' who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about
`What's to be done with this Homer Simpson"'

-- Homer Simpson
Lisa's Rival